Thinking of opening relationship. Can it work?

[Simplysayingit]

My partner, a 39-year-old man, and I, a 40-year-old woman, have been happily together for over 15 years. We have three children and are comfortably settled in a very stable relationship.

I’m straight, and we believe that if we hadn’t met so young, my partner might have explored a side of himself that we think could make him bisexual. In fact he has told me about some sexual experiences he has had with men before we met. However, over the past year or two, I’ve noticed that my libido hasn’t been where it used to be. I think I’m hitting peri-menopause and I’ve been feeling a bit sexually indifferent. My partner has been incredibly supportive throughout this time though. We do have sex just not as regularly as we would both like. I should say I’m very open about sex and all that goes with it. I’m open to different positions, oral sex, anal sex (him and me) and we also enjoy using toys in the bedroom.

Recently, we had a hypothetical discussion about introducing someone else to our sexual exploration and experiences. I firmly declined the idea of another woman because the thought of another woman in the bedroom makes me extremely jealous. Partly, this is because I’m more likely to imagine my partner running off with another woman. (I know they could run off with anyone, but this scenario just seems more likely in my mind.) However, I did say that I wouldn’t mind another man in the bedroom because I think I would be less jealous, and am less likely to believe he would leave me for a man.

Then, we discussed whether my partner would be open to anal sex with the other man. Since then, we’ve had many frank and honest discussions about how it would work, where it would be, and our hard limits. My partner has set up a Grindr account with my permission and has been messaging a few guys. He’s been honest with them and told them that he has a partner who is aware of what he’s doing—my partner has been showing me the messages he’s been receiving and sending.

He’s found a potential match on the site and the match knows that I know about the whole situation. He’s hoping to meet and hook up with this guy this week to see if he enjoys it and if we both are happy to continue the arrangement. Obviously safety is paramount and we’ve spoken about all of that too. We’ve agreed that at any point if either of us feels we don’t want to continue, we stop straight away.

I’ve also expressed that if the other guy is open to it, I might join in with the “fun” in the future. Also since we started this topic of conversation my libedo has gone through the roof and I’m way more active in the bedroom.

Am I being completely näive in thinking that this situation could work or should we just go for it and enjoy it.

This works for very very few people. This is more likely to be the start of the end of your marriage.

Why do you say that?
I have had total 100% control over what happens (in terms of being open) in my relationship for the past 6 years (since we became committed) and I always will. DH does nothing that I haven't agreed beforehand or that I veto. Likewise when we are together. It's all my decision.

I was talking about a specific issue that OP herself said she experiences which is the woman losing libido in peri.
Many women don't lose their libido, some even find it increases. That's not the issue I was talking about. PP called what I suggested a 'harem' which I countered by saying that plenty of women also want NSA sex. I was responding to a different point to the one you're making. That's how chat forums work.

It’s not silly at all. It’s exactly the thinking that underlies a harem and proponents of that model make the same arguments that you’re making- that it’s in the interests of both women and men because women’s sex drives decrease with age while men’s do not. So you have one respected
older wife who no longer has sex with her husband and a bunch of younger women with lesser status who do.

Thankfully in reality here younger women have other choices. Some may be up for no-strings sex with ageing men with no prospect of anything further developing but far fewer than the number of old men who’d like no-strings sex with younger women plus a wife at home raising the children.

(We’re getting a bit side tracked from OP’s situation. I’m not actually opposed to people having this arrangement if it’s what they truly want but it very much does not sound like what OP wants.)

Why are you talking about younger women? Why assume that middle aged men will go for or succeed with younger women?
It's not a 'harem model' by any means because in a harem the other women are exclusively for the sexual use of one man. I am talking about adult women with agency having NSA sex with as many/few men as they want to.

Absolutely. It kind of sounds like OP feels guilty that she wants less sex, and has offered up the possibility of DH banging men as a 'compromise' - no women, just men, as she'll feel 'less' jealous.

The DH is already messaging men, and organising sex with a man. I frankly doubt that the OP feels like she could say 'no' and call it all off at this point without major repercussions, given how keen her DH is, and her own guilt at not having sex with him 'enough'.

Right now she might be all excited over the 'fantasy', which is enough to blunt her uncertainty, but when her DH tells her that the guy only wants to meet him in a hotel room the weekend after next (for instance), she'll likely feel pressure to say yes.

Then he's going to toddle off to shag a man, while she sits at home with the kids, not knowing what's happening, what he's doing, or how he feels, and knowing that she'll never truly know, because he could just lie about it if he thought it'd upset her. Then he'll come home riding on a high and want to do it again...

She's already lost control.

But PP was responding to your comment about that specific issue (older women losing their libidos, so they should let their husbands fuck women - presumably younger women as so many older women have no libidos according to you.)

So my reply is still relevant. Yours wasn't though.

What does younger women wanting casual sex have to do with what you said about how more older women should let their husbands fuck other women in order to preserve their marriage?

I refer to younger women because the premise of what you’ve described is that older women lose interest in sex. It’s in your original post. People who defend the harem model do so on exactly the same grounds that you’re putting forward here- that it makes everyone happier because older women aren’t obliged to keep having sex but ca still retain the security of marriage 🤷‍♀️ Saying that the other women are also free agents is a twist, sure, but not really a relevant one from the perspective of the existing wife.

Yes. Whenever I hear people saying, ‘we’ve put in place really firm rules and boundaries’, I think ‘yeah, you don’t know what you are doing’.

In fact I remember a poster on here in a very successful long term polyamorous relationship who talked about all the couples she met in the ‘community’ who were absolutely blindsided by their partners developing feelings for someone they had ‘opened’ their relationship too, despite all the ‘rules and boundaries’ they put in place.

It’s like they imagine the other people just being sex toys or props. Presumably because that’s how they are in their fantasies. It’s like they don’t realise their fantasies are not reality.

It’s fantastically naive.

Yeah. My daughter is in a poly relationship and knows a lot of people on the scene and it is often horrifically MESSY. Hurt feelings, tension, fights, suffering, high drama, it's a circus.

Op started her original post with ""We ... are very comfortably settled in a very stable relationship"

After reading the rest, my immediate thought was, "There goes your stable relationship."

I'm not really following your point but I'll do my best to answer

• some women stop wanting sex in their 40s and older
• some women don't
• in my opinion and my opinion only some marriages would last longer and be happier if they were opened up so that the partner who wants sex (not always men but usually) can have sex and remove pressure from the partner who doesn't
• This is not a harem
• I never said that the women who might want to have sex with attached men would or should be younger
• the fact that many 40+ women lose their libido does not mean that I meant that women seeking NSA sex would automatically be younger

HTH

and how is your daughter's relationship? Messy, drama, circus or has she cracked it? Some people do...

You said that women often have their sex drives drop in peri. So, frequently. Presumably, you think that's more often than not? But I don't know. You certainly think it's common.

You think that marriages would be happier if the wife continued to do the wife work and drudgery after a lifetime of (generally) birthing and raising children, and providing financial and emotional support, and told her husband to go have fun having sex with other women while she hoovers the floors and gets tea ready for him, post shag.

I think that might make selfish husbands happier. I don't think that will make women happier. I think the number of women it would make happier is so infinitesimal that suggesting it as a solution is just silly, and shows a disdain for women. I think it would make most women sadder and that normalising it as a possibility would put immense pressure on women to let their husbands fuck other women.

Also, considering that you've said women's libidos often drop in peri, and considering that many peri- and menopausal women are married (so many of the ones with high libidos will probably be taken) it follows that many of the women that the husbands could potentially be having sex with would be younger.

I think ComeOnJeremy covered the rest regarding harems.

Yawn

I think the point is that people who go into it with the attitude and standpoint of OP, end up in the messy relationships.

When I was in my 20s my best friend when out clubbing with me picked up a couple and had a threesome with them. Of course the man was thrilled and wanted this to continue. His long term girlfriend left him shortly afterwards. They were both foreign so no idea if she went back to her home country.

You’ve only got to look at commune type situations. One of my DM’s friends has a brother who lived in Germany in a commune situation (I think he still does) and they were forever in and out of each others beds. I personally think maybe it can work but you have to be very clear on boundaries and expectations. No way on earth should you consider it if you have children. It’s not fair on them should they find out.

It's interesting to have your take on here for balance, but honestly six years isn't all that long in the grand scheme and not enough to declare on long-term marriages with several kids in the mix and how this goes down often, frequently, occasionally or rarely. It's great that it's working for you and there's a chance it'll work for OP, but to advocate for it as some panacea for mis-matched libidos in middle-age is pointless endeavour. It simply won't work for most couples and hasn't worked long enough for you, but at least you've done it it in a transparent way and way more considered fashion from the off, not watched a TV show and decided to spice things up with a foolish (in her own word) premature prowl on grindr before doing the most basic research or fully considering the implications. Still, as long as the OP briefly feels more aroused and DH gets to shag a guy, it'll all be worth it in the end eh!

My point is that those who think ‘boundaries’ will save then are wrong. If you want to open your relationship, you have to accept you are letting go of control. Feeling and attachments may develop between partners that you can’t control and you have to be ok with that. OP has already stated she has issues with jealousy.

Have you considered how your children might feel if they were to find out that dad has been meeting up with men from Grindr? And mum not only knew, but encouraged it?

Do what makes you happy of course, but it's a big risk that could very easy blow your family apart.

There was a thread on here fron a woman who had had an open relationship for many years. They always introduced each other to new partners. Had rules re ending it if feelings started. She was blindsided when he announced he was moving in with his new partner, and would visit that OP at weekends. You can’t control it. You are creating a situation where your partner has increased likelihood of meeting someone they are both sexually attracted to and like as a person, and are having sex with all the intimacy that involves.

Drama. They all love each other dearly and are each other's cheer squad but the personal and interpersonal problems absorb so much of my daughter's emotional energy that she's thought on numerous occasions of ending it. Which the other two know, so it makes them anxious, which feeds into the tension, which erupts into rows.

And this is a committed threesome, no new people being brought into the arena. My daughter tells me stories about a local 5-person polycule - where person A is with person B, who is also with person C, who is also with persons D and E, and some also date other people - and there's always some massive drama going on.

It all sounds exhausting and the opposite of stability.

Being honest, this type of relationship attracts people who love the drama and that's a big part of the appeal!

That's a good point! Six years is just a blip on the radar, really - they haven't even reached the 'seven year itch' yet. If it was twenty years and still going strong, that'd mean a bit more.

We have been together longer than 6 years. But whatever you can find to discredit my perspective right?