DH’s friendship with woman at work is killing our marriage

[Teaandbiscuits123456]

DH and I have been together for over 20 years and have two dc all grown up now. DH has made a very good woman friend at work and although not an affair it is very cosy iykwim. Private jokes, DMs at all hours and weekends, breaks spent in each other’s company.
I told him how this made me feel anxious and upset and his response was that that’s just how it is and he can’t help feeling like he does but insists it is just friendship. That just about broke my heart and has made me question where I figure in his life. They’ve only known each other for 2 years.
Knowing all this I’m worried I’m starting to think I might be falling out of love with him almost as a way of self-preservation if that makes any sense?
All the time they are working together I’m not sure if we can get back what we had even though I wish we could. I just don’t know what to do.

Do you have a way of meeting her husband? Invite him for lunch, see what he thinks about it all? Always strikes me in these situations that people like this woman get away with what they're doing because they're not challenged at home. You know about her, but does her husband know about your husband? Make life uncomfortable for her in the way thats she's making yours. Divorce is an option of course, but they are very painful and expensive. Marriages can recover although you may not want it to at this point. Im not saying you should get him to pick you, but you should definitely try to spoil this nice, cosy little situation she's enjoying. Of course your husband is being an absolute dickhead, but so is she.

Ok so you know the situation. You acknowledge how it makes you feel. The fact he is not even understanding it is affecting you is an issue. You are accepting it at the moment so he will do as he pleases. You need to get mad and recognise that this is not good enough as he is not considering your feelings. Even if it was a friendship with another man or something else making you feel uncomfortable, he needs to acknowledge this and find a way to work forward.
Stand firm. You deserve to have your feelings acknowledged and if he doesn’t well then you have your answer. All the best.

OP already has her answer. She’s. Told him how this friendship makes her feel. He’s told her he can’t help his feelings and has no intention of ending the friendship. And now he’s volunteered to go away on a work event when he doesn’t have to, because his ‘friend’ is going. There’s no way to work around this, it’s a deal breaker.

@theonlygirl is absolutely right.

Ring him, have a chat.

And if your husband doesn't like it... tough shit. "You cant help your feelings". Whats good for the goose.

What does her husband think of all of it. Does he know.

You need to ask him to pick between you and her. If he doesn’t or he picks her then you have your answer. He’s having an affair under your nose .!

I do wish people would stop telling Op to change the locks
They own together,he has every right to live there
Far better to go into stealth mode, gather evidence and get her ducks in a row
There was a thread on here about a woman in this situation who kept quiet and planned her exit meticulously as I said before

That would be a nice surprise for the silly man !

I would say:

You attend this conference with her, we get divorced and our family is no longer a unit.

that’s all there is to it, a really simple choice and his actions are that serious.

Sorry OP this is so tough

anx it is never a close work friendship with Dave from accounts or Sheila who is 64

it’s always a younger woman

so predictable really. Trust your instincts about this, and look after yourself

peopke always say get your ducks in a row, and practically that means the following:

have copies/photos of all legal documents and financial information , including things like pensions , have a bank account he has no access to where you have money to tide you over. Once things get serious men can turn very quickly and try to hide any assets whilst saying: I would never do that and do’t you trust me

maybe he will see sense still, I hope he does.

Don't stand for this. Tell him you're thinking of divorce since you're not happy anymore since he started having a girlfriend.

But that's easy for me to say. I hope you manage to find the strength to stand up to him.

But this isn’t someone OP is dating. This is her husband of twenty years, and his friendship with this woman has developed over the last two years to such an extent that he’s prioritising it over his marriage. He knows OP is anxious about it - and with good reason, since he’s demonstrably losing interest in socialising or spending time with her.

He’s told her he can’t help his feelings and has no intention of ending the friendship, and has now volunteered for a work event away when he doesn’t have to, simply because his ‘friend’ is going. So this isn’t a case of jealousy of a long standing friendship just because it’s with the opposite sex. This is a case of a married man striking up a close friendship with a woman knowing that it’s damaging his marriage and not giving a shit. For that to happen, there is more than just ‘friendship’ here. There are big red waving flags for an out of control emotional affair that’s about to turn physical.

This. It’s illegal and he’ll just apply for an occupation order. If l were OP l’d consider the marriage ended and while he’s away on his work jolly with his ‘friend’ l’d start divorce proceedings for him to come home to.

that’s just how it is and he can’t help feeling like he does but insists it is just friendship. That just about broke my heart and has made me question where I figure in his life. They’ve only known each other for 2 years

I'm sorry OP, but he's prioritising his relationship with her, whatever it is currently, over his marriage with you.

It must be hurtful and confusing to see this apparently good man doing this, but it's because you have been devalued in his eyes.

She is a shinier penny, gets his imagination going as to what their lives could be together. A different, sparkly future that hasn't been worn down yet by reality, by the grind of every day life and rasing a family. If they haven't done anything physical together or declared anything to each other yet, I can see them both just waiting until their kids leave home and then making a move.

The horrible thing about this scenario is all the denials and the lying. He won't want to leave you until the time is right for him, and until then you'll be left wondering what's going on.

OP he is not going to stop something that makes him feel good about himself.

If you can park the hurt for now and try put a plan in place to help yourself. Get a therapist and legal advice to explore an exit plan.

Yes, when I see stuff like this, I wonder if those people think we all live in EastEnders, or what their home lives might be like.

I'm not sure it's fair to say that it's totally rare. I have hobby and gym based friends who are male, same for DH with female cycling friends, but the friendships are boundaried and centred on a shared interest. I do hybrid fitness races occasionally and have done those in a mixed pair, for example, and have trained with my race buddy intensively for 2-3 months and it's never resulted in an affair. But we have all met each other's partners (e.g. at gym socials where partners are invited, or if my/his cycling/running/gym buddy has come to "collect" one of us on the way past). We'll say hi and chit chat while DH is getting his bike out. DS2 sometimes goes as well. We might whatsapp privately but the conversation is nearly always hobby based, how was training last night, gym memes, do you need a lift to x event or gym on Saturday, that sort of thing. It's rarely personal stuff, unless I know a gym bud is going through something, then maybe I'd check in.

I think it's the ability to know and hold boundaries that prevents opposite sex friendships where both are opposite sex attracted becoming inappropriate. And if you are both married/in relationships and those are solid, that also reduces the likelihood of boundary crossing.

What an absolute piss taking arsehole! How dare he treat you like this, you’re his wife and the mother of his children! To have the nerve to fob you off and try to make you question yourself…. manipulating you into feeling that you’re being unreasonable! Arrogant, entitled, self serving shit. Tell him to kiss your arse on his way out of the door.

Divorce him. He doesnt care about your feelings. He is having an emotional affair with her and I wouldn't be supposed if its physical as well.

My best mate is man. We've know each other for 35 years. I would never encroach on his family time. We met for a coffee and a chat. I always ask about his wife and kid. I would absolutely reduce my contact with him if it was impacting his marriage because I love him, his wife and his kid. We see each other about 6 times a year, often with the kids and talk once or twice a month.

@GaIadriel I always think it's funny when I see women declaring 'no sexual attraction whatever', as if their will is some kind of force that decides what the other person's feelings are too.

You have no real way of knowing if that was the same for him. There are many stories of women who've had male friends for years who then made a move. The only exception I'd say, maybe, are instances whereby both people were single and content for a period or months or years, and neither party made a move. However, even then, someone might not make a move knowing that it'll be rejected, but it doesn't mean they don't have feelings for you.

Personally I wouldnt show my cards too early
Surprise is the best approach, the DH will be super focused on his GF his dick
While he is all smug thinking he has shut his loyal wife up, she can be quietly putting herself first and planning how to leave the marriage in a way that protects her own interests.
I wish I could find the thread but the Op of that one started stashing things in her work locker and then filled a storage unit with everything she and her DC would need for 2 years post divorce including cash and gift cards which she added to the weekly shop
Total genius as none of it would have to be declared in a financial settlement
Call it the stupid man tax

OK maybe I mean independent friendships. These are people that you know through a shared hobby that you're friendly with.

I still reckon though, if most women tried it on with their male friends they'd be successful. I do think, in my opinion, that boundaries between men and women are kept mostly by the women.

Hi op he sounds like he is in love but going away sounds like there likely to have sex I would definitely give him a choice now her or you. If he goes with her see a solicitor and divorce him you cannot play second fiddle to her. Also she sounds like she is in love with him she knows you’re not happy with their friendship but carries on they are going to ruin both marriages and right now they don’t care. Op there is no respect any decent woman would cool the relationship and she’s not willing to do this. They may have already had sex. Either way you have lost him.

If he realises that he can't have both and that he is risking his marriage and his relationship with his children, there probably isn't much more to say to him.

He has made his choice.

His response is a big red flag! At the very least you'd expect, 'we are work colleagues and nothing more' not 'I can't help the way I feel' so he obviously has feelings. I wouldn't sit and wait for it to unfold, I'd be asking him where you stand and be firm about your intentions then make arrangements accordingly.
This isn't going to end well if you allow him to continue, you need straight, honest answers! How would he feel if you were in that position! He's being very disrespectful to you and playing mind games whilst having the best of both worlds.

Can you check in with her husband. See how things are going there, if he has any doubts.
So sorry you are going through this.