DH’s friendship with woman at work is killing our marriage

[Teaandbiscuits123456]

DH and I have been together for over 20 years and have two dc all grown up now. DH has made a very good woman friend at work and although not an affair it is very cosy iykwim. Private jokes, DMs at all hours and weekends, breaks spent in each other’s company.
I told him how this made me feel anxious and upset and his response was that that’s just how it is and he can’t help feeling like he does but insists it is just friendship. That just about broke my heart and has made me question where I figure in his life. They’ve only known each other for 2 years.
Knowing all this I’m worried I’m starting to think I might be falling out of love with him almost as a way of self-preservation if that makes any sense?
All the time they are working together I’m not sure if we can get back what we had even though I wish we could. I just don’t know what to do.

I’m so sorry your twat of an insensitive husband is putting you through this.

My Friend experienced this too. It started off with mentionitis, then gradually building up to her husband acting like a lovestruck teenager about his special work friend. All the while treating my Friend terribly, making her think it was her who had a problem. She hired a private detective, who got the details of the work friend’s Husband. My Friend then contacted him. He had no idea what was going on, his wife shit herself and broke all contact with my Friend’s husband.

Do not let him take your worth.

Stop playing pick me, use the two days he is away productively by getting your ducks in a row.
Her young children are not your concern.

The Gov website is very good for explaining the stages
www.gov.uk/divorce

Regardless of if this is a romantic or platonic relationship he is still choosing her over you. I’ve always said men and women can be friends and they can however if it’s affecting a marriage there needs to be boundaries that everyone respects in place. If they are genuinely friends then yes the odd text is ok but they don’t need to sit texting all night…. I bet he doesn’t sit texting his male friends all night long?

But what do you want the outcome to be? He can’t really quit his job can he?

should he just start ignoring her? That won’t work either

i don’t really see a solution - if you aren’t happy then spilt up.

i honestly can’t understand this not wanting men to ever be friends with woman though - if he was hanging out with a man all the time what’s the difference.

You must not trust him otherwise you wouldn’t mind

So if trust is gone then the relationship isn’t salvageable- you get rid of this woman / situation then you’ll be worried if it happens again on repeat so it won’t fix anything

I think its odd to have a friendship that excludes your partner, whatever the sexes involved.

Really?? I have heaps of friends separate to my husband - friends he’s never even met -?especially work friends - why would he be hanging or with my friends - he has his own

we have little kids so go out separately a lot as don’t always have a babysitter to do things together so we are probably our more and spend on time socially with friends than each other at the moment 🤷‍♀️

It’s not odd to have friends that aren’t involved in your marriage and are kept separate

It's odd when a person invests so much in that friendship that it intrudes into their family time with their spouse and is more important to them than their marriage.

Oh for heavens sakes.

She's not objecting to a friendship.

She's objecting to her husband of 20 years having feelings for another woman.

This will just play into his hands and justify his behaviour
" unreasonable wife, driving him away"

Calm, quiet and prioritise herself, thats what he is doing

You’re not a doormat, tell him to shape up or ship out. Life’s too short.

My ex is married to his ‘friend’

Leave this relationship on your terms. You are still young with loads of years of life ahead. Don’t spend it having your would destroyed by this selfish man.

There’s clearly more to this ‘friendship’ and he doesn’t seem to care that it’s bothering you! It’s a horrible situation to be in but if he has nothing to hide he would be showing you the messages between them to put you at ease.
This is the behaviour of a narcissist! I would speak to this woman and find out what is going on. Maybe it’s one sided on his part and she sees it as a friendship. Either way he clearly has no respect for you to make you feel like you do with his insensitive words.

My sympathies, OP, I have been there and it's really horrible. You definitely need to see a solicitor, as soon as possible.

I agree. The texting at all hours is very disturbing.

Why should OP lower herself by speaking to this woman?
She has already seen her H and this woman together. She has seen the vibes. And that this woman hangs on his every word.
Speaking to this woman isn't going to stop her H having feelings for this woman.
He has already checked out of the marriage so what good will talking to the OW do?

“I think it's the ability to know and hold boundaries that prevents opposite sex friendships where both are opposite sex attracted becoming inappropriate. And if you are both married/in relationships and those are solid, that also reduces the likelihood of boundary crossing.”

@CrazyGoatLady - completely agree. Otherwise, those who are same sex attracted could only have friends of the opposite sex and bisexual people couldn’t have any friends at all! I consider a number of my male friends to be physically attractive but i love and am committed to my DH and my male friends love and are committed to their partners. We have healthy and respectful boundaries. It’s part of commitment and of being an adult and not a teenager! Unfortunately, the OP’s husband has massively crossed this boundary and the planned trip away is utterly inappropriate and deeply troubling.

Of course he can help it. If you're married and find yourself developing feelings for another person, you stop spending time with that person and work harder on your marriage.

Playing devil’s advocate here, is “I can’t help how I feel” a phrase you’ve ever used to him, e.g. to explain a reduction in sexual appetite?

Ah so shift the blame to the Op. Not enough sex.

Fucks sakes.

Or you leave the marriage an its not fair to tie another person to a marriage when you're not actually present any longer. There isn't anything wrong with leaving, its how you leave

Nobody that still truly loved you would make you feel this way. You deserve better. The grass is always greener with these people they will learn the hard way once you kick him to the curb and reality hits. Tale as old as time. Xx

Jesus wept. Nice bit of victim blaming there.

Sending you strength OP.

A very close friends who texts you at all hours of the weekend and in the evenings who your husband has never met?

A friend who you wouldn't ever invite over to your house if your husband was there?

It sounds as though you just have different social circles because of circumstances, not a best friend who your husband doesn't know.

It's very odd to have a best friend who you keep separate.