DH’s friendship with woman at work is killing our marriage

[Teaandbiscuits123456]

DH and I have been together for over 20 years and have two dc all grown up now. DH has made a very good woman friend at work and although not an affair it is very cosy iykwim. Private jokes, DMs at all hours and weekends, breaks spent in each other’s company.
I told him how this made me feel anxious and upset and his response was that that’s just how it is and he can’t help feeling like he does but insists it is just friendship. That just about broke my heart and has made me question where I figure in his life. They’ve only known each other for 2 years.
Knowing all this I’m worried I’m starting to think I might be falling out of love with him almost as a way of self-preservation if that makes any sense?
All the time they are working together I’m not sure if we can get back what we had even though I wish we could. I just don’t know what to do.

OP, from your posts it seems to me that your focus is on trying to understand your husband - how he can do this, what his motivation is, what’s actually going on inside his head. The thing is, we can only ever know people as well as they allow us to. You are spending all your time thinking about him, when you really need to be thinking about YOU. Pouring more time and energy into figuring him out is a complete waste of time now. It’s harsh to say this - but you need to focus on yourself and what you need because nobody else is going to. Your husband has been very clear in that his friendship with her matters more than your feelings. He votes with his feet by giving her his time and energy, you aren’t getting any of that.

Instead of trying to figure out the Why in all of this, listen and look. He is telling and showing you all the time where his care is going. Believe him. And focus on You. What you thought you had is no longer there. If you’re okay to live this half-life he is offering you, you can do that. But you do have choices here, don’t forget that.

Exactly this

This would be the deal breaker for me. Sorry but absolutely not. If he didn’t HAVE to go but is offering instead of staying home with me his keys wouldn’t be working by the time he got home!

Ok, this is what you need to do to preserve your sanity.

Before the conference happens, ask him to leave the house as you have a lot of thinking to do and that you really need some space. Tell him it's just the way it is and you can't help how you feel.

Do this for your own sanity and to regain some control over this situation.

Don't tell him how long you need - say you have no idea how long you need and you'll 'be in touch at some point'.

I am wondering if asking him to stop being friendly with her will just make him hide their relationship better.
I am also wondering that when he says that he loves you, he may believe that he does, but as a constant rather than someone to share his deepest thoughts with. An emotional affair to me is as bad or even worse than them having sex with someone else. To share their feelings, their option, what’s important to them with someone else. To care more about what’s important to someone else, want to protect them rather than you is devastating and will make you feel worthless and question your right to be loved.
please be gentle on yourself but open your eyes to the damage he is doing, doing to you and doing to your children as he will be a different father to the one he was two years ago. Show your children you are worth more to instill that in them.
dreadful situation.

He’s away with her on a work thing for two nights? Come on op, you are watching them start (continue?) an affair in plain sight. Use the time he’s away to get organised - as I said upthread, you really need to find your anger here, stop being passive, and get a lawyer. Your marriage is already over, you need to protect your kids and yourself. I’m sorry you are going through this.

Given he's going away with her for a "conference" OP, I think it's a perfect opportunity to say to him that if he goes, he will come back to divorce papers.

See who he chooses, but you have to risk that it won't be you...

What about telling him if he goes to a conference he doesn’t have to go to especially if his “friend” is going then he can’t come back. If he is refusing to put you first he will have to live with the consequences of it

I echo pp’s
warn him if he goes away with her you’ll be using that time to apply for a divorce
its all done online now op so you could actually set that ball rolling
he would get the notification email while he’s away
you can do the initial application and then the financial separation at a later date

Id be starting to make my own life, id be going out with friends to the cinema and theatre. If he's not interested in going don't let that stop you

search for your life, dancing clubs, theatre clubs, cinema club etc

get out there and live

Id also get all my admin sorted, but the cynic in me thinks he has a bad case of "mentionitise" and it will not go anywhere

But make sure your life is as full a possible - go and live

“Theonlywayicanloveyou · Today 08:17
Obimumkinobi · Yesterday 22:05
I think you have two options: start divorce proceedings or build up your life and interests so that he takes less of a priority in your life. Go to the theatre, go on a trip, don't be so available to him physically or emotionally. Currently he's got 2 women to meet his needs.
This might feel unnatural to you but if he won't change his ways, and you won't leave him, try to forge a new way forward for yourself. He's not prioritising you and has likely framed your questioning of his behaviour as irritating and unreasonable. This genie isn't going back in the bottle, I'm afraid.”

“I agree with this. In the short term you’re unlikely to see a sudden improvement but there are lots of reasons you may not want to leave instantly.
Pull back. Take much more time for yourself and your own interests. Your children are grown so pull out of the role of wife who served the family - stop serving him entirely. Start expecting him to serve you a bit.
One of two things will happen, over time, but you might be surprised that if you pull away he might pull back towards you.”

I’m with @Theonlywayicanloveyou and @Obimumkinobi - at the moment, you’re all about him; you’re doing the ‘pick me’ dance and that is making him feel very secure with regard to you. Drop the rope; step back; focus on what makes you feel strong and confident. You may need to fake it till you make it but it will help you feel better about yourself in any event. It will also give you time while you work out what you want to do longer term.

This relationship,with this Woman needs to stop! Even if it's just Emotional.You deserve more than this! I would let my Husband know,that if this continues,you will be seeking a divorce.Can he be trusted? Women are out there get off on flirting with married men! They are not really interested, just do it to cause misery!

He cant help his feelings.

The conference is another matter. As are the dms etc.

To begin with, Id want the conference cancelled, and the chats muted.

Otherwise, start a conversation about what divorce would look like.

This is exactly what I would do. And I’d mean it.
You said he doesn’t have to go, so if he chooses to then it’s all crystal clear.
What a bastard.

How did she behave with you when you met her?

I would be tempted to want to see their dynamic again in the flesh, to check the vibes. If I were you I’d casually say ok, can see this woman is a good friend to you, and suggest you invite her and her DH round for drinks, or a more casual coffee meet up, to say it would be nice to get to know her. His answer here will speak volumes. If it miraculously did happen you will see how they interact together and draw your own conclusion.

But as other PPs have said, behind the scenes, get yourself organised financially etc, make a plan for you IF you think your DH likes this woman as more than a friend. He could be staying with you as this woman has younger kids and won’t leave her husband. Or (doubtful), he genuinely sees her as a friend. I do find it worrying that he’s going to a boring work conference he doesn’t need to though, when she will be there.

Oh yes you can

It sounds like your husband can sense that you’re stuck and perhaps too emotional to act on the current situation and he is “having his cake and eating it”. Having (at least) an emotional affair whilst you continue to keep everything together in the background. The conference thing is a major red flag.

Call his bluff. Go and see a solicitor, get your finances together and tell him to leave - then see what happens. Sending a hand-hold.

Watch this. This summarises the friendship and boundaries that should be in place.

Female friend is someone that respects relationship, does not cross lines, she is in my opinion.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DT-cwKBkyMA/?igsh=cjMyYzJnM2I5bXg5

Oh OP :( this does sound like at the very least an emotional affair. If the boot was on the other food would you remain friends with someone who made your husband feel this way? That’s the real question. Probably not I’m guessing. If he won’t extend that to you then you need to have a real hard think.

‘I can’t help the way that I feel’ is not the way anyone speaks about work friendships. Work friends are fun and supportive and it’s good to have people you can chat about things which would bore other people. However, there isn’t this level of intensity.

Is he her boss and is he away fairly often?

I agree with this but I don’t even think you need to say it. You’ve expressed your feelings enough and he knows what he’s doing, he knows how this will make you feel. Let him go and then just have the papers on the table the day he gets back.

I’m sorry this is happening to you OP. You know that words aren’t working and you need to take action. At the moment, there’s no negative consequences for your husband and his girlfriend.

They get to flirt and enjoy the giddy excitement that comes with a new romantic relationship without taking any responsibility for the damage they’re causing.

She’s not going to choose between him and her husband until she absolutely has to. He’s going to string you along until he’s confident that she’ll leave her husband for him.

I agree with the other poster who said you need to stop doing all wife duties. He needs to realise that he can’t have the benefits of being married whilst acting like he doesn’t have a wife.

You don’t need to take drastic action like demanding a divorce or giving ultimatums. But I’d ask him to leave the family home and live elsewhere for the time being. There has to be negative consequences for what he’s choosing to do in order to change his behaviour.

If she has young children, she’ll probably not want to leave her husband for him and he’ll come crawling back to you.

And then cry cry cry when he comes back with an occupation order which could quite possibly exclude OP from the property if her actions are deemed unreasonable. Stupid advice. You absolutely cannot change the locks on your marital home. It’s illegal. You can ask a partner to leave, but if they refuse, you can’t force them unless you have proof that they are abusive.