DH’s friendship with woman at work is killing our marriage

[Teaandbiscuits123456]

DH and I have been together for over 20 years and have two dc all grown up now. DH has made a very good woman friend at work and although not an affair it is very cosy iykwim. Private jokes, DMs at all hours and weekends, breaks spent in each other’s company.
I told him how this made me feel anxious and upset and his response was that that’s just how it is and he can’t help feeling like he does but insists it is just friendship. That just about broke my heart and has made me question where I figure in his life. They’ve only known each other for 2 years.
Knowing all this I’m worried I’m starting to think I might be falling out of love with him almost as a way of self-preservation if that makes any sense?
All the time they are working together I’m not sure if we can get back what we had even though I wish we could. I just don’t know what to do.

I never understand the 'change the locks' advice on here. I have never seen it irl, most probably because in situations like this, it is illegal!

OP, this is clearly an emotional affair, very possibly about to become a physical affair.

He has no regard for your feelings whatsoever. The marriage is on its last legs. In your shoes, I would dig deep and think about how you want your future to look. Your H has put all this is serious jeopardy, and has dismissed your concerns and feelings with callousness. I don't think I could get get passed this tbh. After 20 years of marriage I would expect far more respect and consideration.

He has turned you into someone who feels like they have to compete with a stranger. Even if nothing has happened between them, the trust is broken.

For me the deal breaker is him choosing to go away on a 2 day trip with her that he doesn’t have to.

Id be moving out while he was gone. Thats what I did..

Yes, most likely

He is definitely falling for her. I don’t know what you can do to stop it but it is happening.

For those of you asking ‘how would he feel if you were doing this with a man at work’ her husband would probably be delighted because then he would be free to do what he wants to do.
He wants the woman at work, is looking for any opportunity and is lying to himself if he says otherwise.

I’m sorry x

I agree with this. In the short term you’re unlikely to see a sudden improvement but there are lots of reasons you may not want to leave instantly.

Pull back. Take much more time for yourself and your own interests. Your children are grown so pull out of the role of wife who served the family - stop serving him entirely. Start expecting him to serve you a bit.

One of two things will happen, over time, but you might be surprised that if you pull away he might pull back towards you.

When my dh started messing about being overly friendly with a woman at work (and telling me his colleagues was a man !!!! I found out later that he was actually a she!) I made him resign on the spot and get a different WFH job and never speak to her again. Changed his number. I’m not a doormat and he needed to stop being a dick.

Also think it’s very possible the other women has a very tight marriage and really does consider him just a friend and her DH knows all about him but because they’re in a better position doesn’t feel any threat.

men are notorious for being fucking idiots about their prospects with women.

OP could try to make plans with her and her husband together ? So you can assess in person

You can’t be in love with someone you’re not actually in a relationship with.

has a massive crush on, yes probably - but love isn’t the same

I think this says it all really. My DH and I have been together for 34 years. Our youngest head off for uni this year. Dh can be a bit of a pratt - we are all ND so reading each other’s emotional needs is a bit of a minefield. However we are all open about how we feel (eventually) and if at any time I expressed my concern and hurt feelings over another person - in my case it might be hanging out with his best mate every weekend, or prioritising the boys annual golf tour over something the kids and I wanted/needed to do - he is/has been devastated that I feel that way, that what he has said/done has been [mis]interpreted by me and gone out of his way to remedy it. We’ve worked together to fix it.

I am so sorry that your DH seems to care so little about the marriage you have valued all these years but in your shoes I would simply say: I asked you to wind that relationship back because it distressed and hurt me and, in response, you stated you could care less about my feelings. That tells me all I need to know and the only option for me is a separation and divorce.

If that doesn’t give him the wake up call he needs, you proceed with a divorce. You are still young enough to start again and why should you hang around on the sidelines on the off-chance his friendship burns itself out?

You could say something along the lines of ‘ I’ve asked you to dial back this friendship as it hurts me. I don’t want you to go to this conference, if you do then you need to move out’. His response should help you to find a way forward.

Very sad when men put their own pleasure and needs before their loyal partner and family.

Bloody hell. This and the ‘I can’t help my feelings’ makes clear this is more than just friends.

He may not be able to help his feelings but he can help his behaviour. He is choosing to pursue his feelings, and hence feed and grow them.

I’m so sorry OP.

his response was that that’s just how it is and he can’t help feeling like he does

He can't help his feelings but he CAN help what he does about them. It's up to him to pull back and put more distance between himself and his coworker but he chooses not to. That's a huge red flag. He isn't prioritising his marriage and your feelings above his work relationship and he should be.

try calling her and giving her a piece of your mind

I would not do this, tempting as it might be. This will only result in you being the unhinged, hysterical wife.

My heart goes out to you, OP. You sound like such a lovely person and you don't deserve this. Another poster said look at the way he's making you feel and that's the crux of it all. Do you normally celebrate Valentine's day? If so, see how he treats you today xx The two day trip away is a massive red flag xx

He volunteered despite knowing your feelings.

I think I would be giving an ultimatum over this. If he goes then you will be seeing a divorce lawyer while he is away. His choice.

I would be spending this weekend making copies of all financial and bank documents, including anything related to pensions.

Sorry OP.

Solid advice. It doesn't matter how far they have taken it. It's already too far and he has already denied your request to tone it down.

It's making you feel second best and he doesn't care. That's enough.

Totally agree with this.

Do you work? Have you access to an Employee Assistance Program? They offer free counselling, financial and legal advice.

What are your children saying about it?
Are they aware?
Spend your time gathering financial information, not looking for evidence. Trust your feelings. Good luck x

I was in this situation OP, I could see it was at the very least an emotional affair. I simply told him to stop, as it was disrespectful, or I would end our marriage.

I’m sorry you are going through this. It really is devastating for your metal health. But I think now is the time to take control.

It doesn’t matter whether they are having a physical affair, their relationship is intimate and it makes you feel disconnected from him as a result. He doesn’t care that this is the outcome of his behaviour.

The longer he is allowed to live this fantasy where he gets the dopamine hit, having her attention and also a comfortable home life, the more entrenched he will become. The best thing to do is go nuclear now. Ask for a separation and be clear on the reasons why. Then go very low to no contact. Let him live in his choices. It will either escalate what is already between them and she will need to decide whether she wants to destroy her marriage too or he will realise that he could end up alone in all this.

You can’t control his decisions but you can be clear about your boundaries and what you will put up with. At the very least he will see you as worthy of respect and someone he can’t gaslight. Whether it ends in divorce will depend on whether he realises he fucked up and does everything he can to put it right, and whether that is enough for you. And if he doesn’t fight for you then at least you can rip the plaster off quickly and take back your life and start to heal.

I’m so sorry OP - these men are weak and pathetic, so they leave the work of deciding and sorting and organising for us to do.

Lots of luck.

So did mine. And engineered the situation in such a way that as I became emotionally broken and less able to function in the marriage he relished in telling her how "cold and unloving" I had become. It felt like an evil game in the end that nearly cost me my mental health.

Tell that to all of us who's marriage has been destroyed in exactly this way. Just what the OPs husband has told her about the way this woman makes him feel take me right back to what happened to me. I can't express how much empathy and sorrow I feel for the OP right now. He has no business having a "crush" of this level when he's married to someone else and if he does should be doing all he can to take himself out of situations that feed it to focus on his marriage. I dont think a 2 night away conference with this other woman quite cuts that does it? Especially as he wasn't obliged to go!

Once you get into the messages at all hours you know that they are up to no good. Please see that you deserve so much better than being the housekeeper. He isn't in the slightest bit bothered how you feel. Please get all the financial paperwork you need, as much cash as you can manage to hide as i feel you are going to need it.

So he's basically telling you their relatjonship matters more to him than your marriage. Im sorry OP but going to the conference in the face of your objections would be the line in the sand for me. If they've not slept together yet it's obviously an ideal opportunity to do so when boundaries can be more easily blurred and ignored.

Trust and respect have gone. Suggest marriage counselling and see what his reaction is. Line up your paperwork and finances and then see what your financial options are with a local solicitor.