DH’s friendship with woman at work is killing our marriage

[Teaandbiscuits123456]

DH and I have been together for over 20 years and have two dc all grown up now. DH has made a very good woman friend at work and although not an affair it is very cosy iykwim. Private jokes, DMs at all hours and weekends, breaks spent in each other’s company.
I told him how this made me feel anxious and upset and his response was that that’s just how it is and he can’t help feeling like he does but insists it is just friendship. That just about broke my heart and has made me question where I figure in his life. They’ve only known each other for 2 years.
Knowing all this I’m worried I’m starting to think I might be falling out of love with him almost as a way of self-preservation if that makes any sense?
All the time they are working together I’m not sure if we can get back what we had even though I wish we could. I just don’t know what to do.

Hi @Teaandbiscuits123456

Is he still messaging her, spending breaks with her etc?

Has he acknowledged your feelings at all, or shown any empathy for what he's put you through?

💐

They still spend breaks together, work on projects together. Everyday. He says there’s no messaging anymore.
He’s going out to a work party soon with a small group, one of which will be her. I imagine they’ll be spending most of the evening in each other’s company (as it’s obviously so mutually wonderful 😢) He knows how upsetting I would find this so I think if he chooses to do that, I think I’m sadly done.

If they're still spending breaks together, and planning a small group party together, do you really believe the messaging has stopped?
Has he shown you his phone to 'prove' this? (I would be inclined to think it's happening but he's better at deleting as he goes).

I'm so sorry @Teaandbiscuits123456 , you must be feeling utterly exhausted with it all.

Can you change thw locks.when he's out OP. Or rent yourself a flat and move out?

Either he doesn’t go to the party or you go with him or sod it OP, no way is this acceptable. Them working together is bad enough. He’s got to be bloody kidding.

So sorry Op - he really has no respect for your marriage or you.

This is so like what went on with our situation theres just no respect or f**s at all, I dont know how they can think this is right

I’m sorry OP, I find it ridiculous that you are still thinking he is a good person and a good father when he is showing you right, left and centre his true colours. It may be just fun and ego stroking but in not giving a shit about how you feel for so long shows really that the moment she accepts him, he will leave.

So stop lying to yourself and start putting your ducks in a row, it is your fault too, why is he going to change if he can have his cake and eat it as you tolerate this behaviour so well?

Forget about him and his shitty behaviour and start working on getting that self esteem and boundaries back so you can leave. You are acting as a person who has suffered quite a lot of domestic abuse, He is absolutely shit and you still think he is lovely, just distracted? Be yourself’s best friend and stop enabling him, the good old times are not coming back, he no longer cares or respects you.

Absolutely this.

Edited to add that I just read this on another thread, but its so relevant here:

The situation that the OP is going through now is often how affairs start - it happens right under the nose of their poor partner who must put up with being called jealous or crazy, until one day, they finally realise they were right all along and their partner was making a fucking fool of them the entire time.

Yep I would calmly tell him if he goes to the party your relationship is over. Be prepared for him to go blustering that he’s done no wrong and why should he be punished for your paranoia (we know this isn’t true). Be prepared he will go and follow it through if he does go by ending the relationship.

The issue is not him and her but that it is hurting you and he doesn’t care/wont change his actions and attitude. It’s a pet hate of mine when someone says they didn’t mean to hurt you but carried on doing something they knew would hurt you. It’s BS.

But you're not done are you OP? You keep giving him the signal that you're willing to stay. In his mind this is all OK because your behaviour shows it is OK for you. If it wasn't you would be out of the door. I'm just saying this is how he probably sees it. All words on your part. I know the taking action to leave takes preparation but if you're taking no actions and he's taking no actions then nothing will change.

The simple message he is giving is that you and your feelings aren’t his priority.
seeing and communicating with this woman are.
And because he doesn’t care about your concerns, that’s enough.
if this is unacceptable to you. Tell him so and start making plans .

OP, does he know this is your final straw?

He isn't listening to you and is completely and utterly disrespecting you. If this is your final straw you must get behind it. Mean it. As hard as it is, and I know how hard this is, you must muster all your courage, all your resolve and stick to it.

Tell him and make sure he knows it. If he doesn't listen, you must move forward. You can't continue to live like this 💐

Sending you strength, OP. This is all on him.

Yep I would calmly tell him if he goes to the party your relationship is over. Be prepared for him to go blustering that he’s done no wrong and why should he be punished for your paranoia (we know this isn’t true). Be prepared he will go and follow it through if he does go by ending the relationship.

I totally agree with this, but don't issue the ultimatum unless you're prepared to go through with it (otherwise you will be in a weaker position than now)

@Teaandbiscuits123456 4 months on from your OP. Has anything changed for the better for you?

It is totally disrespectful - which is why the "not bovvered" posters annoy me on these threads, as if there is something wrong/controlling about you for feeling this is just a total lack of respect for your feelings and, by extension, your marriage. When he knows it upsets you, it is wrong. If it were every interaction he has besides you that distressed you, that would be different, but there are very clear reasons why he should be stepping back in this instance.

There are a lot of people offering advice, which is great, but no one is living @Teaandbiscuits123456‘s life. It’s easy to say walk away. People stay for a multitude of reasons and that’s also fine if it works for them. Of course he should be showing you more respect, you know this, but right now he’s not doing that in the way you need, or should rightly expect. Take the time to figure out what you need in this scenario and look after yourself. Take time to do some nice things for yourself that help you feel good, remind yourself of your worth, because only you can determine that. How he acts is on him. Take care of yourself

Yes this is great piece of advice. Develop yourself independently of this person. Unfortunately in marriage we get into the (false) idea that we are somehow nearly "worthless" without the marriage. I think this comes from the fact our brains tell us our partners are like our parents - we depend on them for our very survival.

For healthy adult relationships there needs be a process called Differentiation where each person develops into somebody for whom the marital relationship albeit very important is only a part of a web of structures in the person's life. They have a great many ways to seek support and fulfilment outside. But these require work and active cultivation. We need to also focus inwards and stop imagining we can control anyone else.

As babies we learn to scream and parents respond. We "control" them. As adults we have to learn to look after ourselves and set boundaries. If we ask for a reliable connection and it is not there we need to take matters into our own hands and seek other sources of connection and let go.

@Teaandbiscuits123456 I went through this, my ex husband his colleague and I hate to say it but your marriage as you knew it is over. Your husband has prioritised her feelings over yours - end game.
Right now you are in no mans land and it’s uncomfortable , uncertain and scary- but you will come through it, in your own time.
I tried to hang on to my husband, to correct all things he said were wrong with me and which led him to his affair- until the penny dropped and I saw through it- a year after my divorce I began to feel like a weight had been lifted, it’s four years later and I am happier than ever. You will get through this.

Not in terms of our relationship but I think at least I now know that perhaps I do need to be on my own without him, at least for a while. The fact he thinks going out drinking with her would be okay shows how he has no idea of how hurt I feel. Not sure if we can really get past that.

It’s important that you keep close to how you feel. You have expressed your emotional needs and he has dismissed and disrespected them. When I was deep in the unraveling of my marriage - I got to some clarity about obligation / love / frustration to the core question is ‘Do I care about him?’ or ‘Does he care about me?’ When you end up in the place of indifference which is just beyond the pain, desperation, hurt - it’s truly over.

I was in this position OP (not marriage but my LTR before I met DH).

It’s soul destroyingly awful, you feel simultaneously like a mug and also like you’re going a bit mad.

He too was very ‘she’s my friend’ and tried to make it an issue of me being controlling. Eventually I found out that they had, of course, slept together.

I’m sorry to be like this but men never ever have close, cosy female friendships like this unless they fancy the woman. He’s keeping his powder dry with you because either she’s rebuffed his romantic advances to this point, or she hasn’t but isn’t in a position to be with him.

You’re being played here, and regardless of whatever he does next, I would be instigating divorce proceedings.

@Teaandbiscuits123456 Deep inside you know what the best thing is for you to do. I'm sorry, I know it's hard, but denial is just taking time from your future; a future where you are the priority and there's no OW because anyone that loves you wouldn't hurt you like he does.

You've been dealing with this for a long time and he still refuses to even acknowledge that he's wrong and continues with the disrespect. He KNOWS it hurts you, and he really doesn't care. It's up to you whether you continue to play by his rules. His way is "Suck it up, Buttercup" and there's absolutely no reason to think he'll change his mind.

Or you can find and USE your anger. Use it to make you strong enough to secure your boundaries and choose to leave your H- there's no longer anything dear about him!

You'll never be younger than you are right now. Don't wait 20 years or until he leaves you to make a change. Your future is waiting. ❤️❤️

He either does know how hurt you are and still he chooses his “friendship”
or
He doesn’t know/ care/acknowledge how hurt you are because he’s more focussed on his “friendship” and, his needs are his priority.
It hurts like hell.
I like the quote above “you will never be younger than you are today”
I wish you all the best, I really do ❤️

Op i can tell you i know how you feel word for word about what hes doing and its awful. Agree with the last pp. Especially beenwhereyouareagain. You have to be strong and look at what this is doing to YOU and what he is doing. Its not healthy and he dosent value you. My husband left 2 week ago now, after i told him i was done with it all after months of giving me emotional hell with a very similar situation. I finally snapped and found that anger. He knows what he is doing lovely and he dosent care. You have to be strong and really show him you mean it and you have done with his shit!!! i know its hard 🫂🫂🫂🫂