DH’s friendship with woman at work is killing our marriage

[Teaandbiscuits123456]

DH and I have been together for over 20 years and have two dc all grown up now. DH has made a very good woman friend at work and although not an affair it is very cosy iykwim. Private jokes, DMs at all hours and weekends, breaks spent in each other’s company.
I told him how this made me feel anxious and upset and his response was that that’s just how it is and he can’t help feeling like he does but insists it is just friendship. That just about broke my heart and has made me question where I figure in his life. They’ve only known each other for 2 years.
Knowing all this I’m worried I’m starting to think I might be falling out of love with him almost as a way of self-preservation if that makes any sense?
All the time they are working together I’m not sure if we can get back what we had even though I wish we could. I just don’t know what to do.

That's so cruel of him. Please don't allow him this entitlement to place you in a position of being someone 'he chooses'.
I mean WTF?! You are not someone just waiting on the sidelines, someone waiting to be The Chosen One.
Please. Be strong. Don't play the Pick me Dance that he's setup for you both. It's nasty and shows you who he is.

I’m so sorry OP, his attitude is intolerable. You’ll never fathom it because it makes no sense, he’s throwing his life away for an obsession, but people in the throes of any kind of affair have their head so far up their arse they can no longer see the daylight if reality. He absolutely is a pathetic man having a midlife crisis of some sort but the level of selfishness and lies he’s told himself to protect his current addiction to the ego boost mean he’s not seeing or listening to reason. He’ll see who he wants? This is allegedly not an inappropriate friendship, ‘just friends’ but he’s choosing between you? Outrageous. He doesn’t get to choose because you’ve chosen. He can move out. Disgusting attitude, he’s gone. So very sorry OP, you deserve better. Far better.

Personally I would go along to the drinks and say about seeing the texts and how inappropriate they were in front of everyone there. Then leave.

Pretty much!

He's saying he's not sure he wants you over her.
There's nothing else to hear, messages to read or anything from him OP.

He's shown you over and over how little respect he has for you and the marriage.

If it wasn't her, it would be someone else.

He said he will see who he wants. Wow. There's just no regard for you or your feelings. That would be enough for me but I understand it must be difficult to live through this.
Just find it in yourself to remember you are worth so much more that this 💐

Have you spoken to your adult kids?

I think I’d tell him I wanted to separate OP. Tell him you’re tired of feeling second best. You start calling the shots for a change.

Tosser

He knows his behaviour is hurting you, impacting your mental health, and your relationship. He either doesn't care or he enjoys it. He is chooses to continue regardless of the impact because what he is getting from it means more to him. That's not love. I would be mortified if my behaviour was having a negative impact in someone I care about. You know what I would actually care if my behaviour impacted a stranger. Stop begging him to give a shit. He either doesn't or he likes it. I'm not sure what's worse

@Teaandbiscuits123456 THIS 💯

Op what a cheeky bastard he is being a cunt if you can afford to I would call it a day he’s fucking unbelievable to even suggest this I think he’s made his choice by staying in contact he wants his cake and then some. So sorry you are going through this he’s a twat honestly I would be helping him pack.

Sorry you’re going through this OP, I have been in a very similar situation recently. I know it’s easier said than done but with him blatantly lying about the messages and choosing to go out with her then I would tell him it’s over, he has definitely chosen her over you.
I should have told my H it was over when he didn’t care about my feelings but was happy to apologise to her, I still might yet but at least on one hand he has cut down on contact but if I found out he was still having inappropriate contact I would end it.

So he wouldn’t mind you going along for the evening then

You're right here @Teaandbiscuits123456 , he's showing you that he doesn't care about your feelings at all.

You should go ahead and ask him to leave. I'm sorry, but he has clearly checked out of your relationship: you'll be happier without him.

I agree with this. He’s not a good person. But it wouldn’t matter anyway, if my dh said I’ll see who I want then I’d ask him to leave. I’m not going to be an option to my own husband.

@Teaandbiscuits123456 please read your posts from the first. What would you advise your daughter if she was writing that - living through a marriage like that? Would you want her to find her self respect and anger at this callous, cruel treatment? Would you say her husband was ‘essentially a good man’ if he treated her like your husband is treating you?
YOU DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER THAN THIS!

Op your going through the exact situation im in! If you look for my thread last year. I stayed after his EA with a work colleague. There has been continued shit since, hes done nothing but rug sweep. and hes now started going out on work socials with her present after saying he wouldn't. Despite me not being happy about it. The level of not giving a fk is crazy. Its completely messed with my head and Im now starting to really get my ducks in a row. Its not easy but ive done trying. My inbox is open if you want to rant to someone who is going through it . I know how hard this is. I just dont understand some men and how they think this is ok!!!

The guy is a complete cunt, always has been I bet.

Selfishness does not occur like this with reasonable caring men, it occurs when they have constantly had their own way in marriages but played the nice guy in public.
Op you must have had your moments with this man and lost yourself kowtowing down to him, his behaviour at present is not just ego, it is defiance, arrogance, and cruelty and it appears he is enjoying your pain, that's sadistic and very harmful for you, his nature is intrinsically bad.

You have to learn to fall out of love with this man as he has crossed boundaries whereby he will not return back from, once they get a taste of this kind of cruelty they become addicted to the high of it, abusive sadism.
Protect yourself by shutting downfrom him.

It's because he values her above you.

I think this is true. This is what I am having to slowly come to terms with.

But that’s the strange part of this. He’s really not a c*nt. usually he’s kind and thoughtful and a dependable dad, son and friend. This is what I don’t understand about the whole situation. And what is so depressing.
it pushes me to think he really does have feelings for her over me to be responding to me in the way he is.
I think she’s become the right person for him that he happened to meet at the wrong time in his life. It’s heartbreaking.

Please get angry.

He's not kind and dependable now - definitely not with you. Get angry he doesn't deserve you any more.

I thought this about my ex. I genuinely thought we would grow old together until his behaviour changed as a result of him meeting 'the one' (or who he thought was the one). Two marriages ruined, he moved in with her (after them both trying to get me to move out) and seven months later she dumped him and he came crawling back. By then I had nothing but anger and told him to bugger off.

Anger is your friend. Get advice so you know where you stand even if you don't tell him you've been. Having that knowledge will make you feel calmer and more in control.

She is not the right person, met at the wrong time. We could end up with how ever many people in life. There is no single “right person”. You are his wife, the mother to his kids, the woman he chose. That promise to love you should - if you are decent and kind - override any hormonal desires for other people in terms of his choices. He has crossed a boundary into a deep emotional affair. Can you get him to Google what an emotional affair is to bring him out of this and realise how he’s harming you? That what he’s doing is deeply wrong? What I’m trying to say is she isn’t the right woman, she is the other woman, she is a woman, and he is wrong to be pursing this infatuation that’s deeply over a line. I’m so sorry op - I have so much experience of emotional affairs and the above is what I learned - there is no right other, he is in the wrong, and that’s the way it should be framed. Never that he’s found ‘the one’, instead that he’s f*** up. Sending much love X

Yes get angry. Take some control, it will make you feel better. Don’t stand for it.