DH’s friendship with woman at work is killing our marriage

[Teaandbiscuits123456]

DH and I have been together for over 20 years and have two dc all grown up now. DH has made a very good woman friend at work and although not an affair it is very cosy iykwim. Private jokes, DMs at all hours and weekends, breaks spent in each other’s company.
I told him how this made me feel anxious and upset and his response was that that’s just how it is and he can’t help feeling like he does but insists it is just friendship. That just about broke my heart and has made me question where I figure in his life. They’ve only known each other for 2 years.
Knowing all this I’m worried I’m starting to think I might be falling out of love with him almost as a way of self-preservation if that makes any sense?
All the time they are working together I’m not sure if we can get back what we had even though I wish we could. I just don’t know what to do.

What a pair of utter idiots. It's so easy to show your best side and for everything to be all lovely when you don't live together and have never even spent nights together! As adults, how do they not know that? I never understand how people leave marriages for someone else, because you haven't been able to get to know them nearly enough to judge whether you're compatible or not. I think an exception can be where the marriage has been very abusive, but that's mostly men abusing their wives (I know not always, before anyone leaps on me) but I'm sure you weren't abusing your DH!

It's a very boring old tale. After a long relationship, your DH got his head turned by someone else. It's not rocket science or very original. And she's married! There really is no fool like an old fool, is there.

It's very very tough, OP - my husband left me too - but ultimately you really are better off without someone who can treat you like that. When mine bolted, I was so so devastated, and it IS devastating. All your plans for the rest of your life, your retirement, are thrown completely in the air and it's a massive adjustment.

But for all that - and I DO feel hard done by when I realise how much his actions have cost me, financially and emotionally - for all that, he did me a favour. I live alone now without having to pander to his moods and demands, and without having to spend my time with his relatives, who were very different from me....it's true that he has buggered my retirement, but I'm still far better off without him.

And I strongly suspect it will be the same for you.

Sending strength and hugs 💐

Having lived long and observed life - the karma comes not it them losing the job / the relationship / going bankrupt etc ….. it’s nothing visible - it’s more nuanced and insidious.

It’s eroding loneliness.

They may visibly still have people around them - but they won’t have emotional intimacy and deeply fulfilling trusting relationships because others although in contact will have put them at best at arms length and over time faded out. If they have any ‘friends’ at the end of their life it will be people who are equally as cuxty as them. But believe me they are silently judged and swerved and they feel it.

Yessss! All of this.

My exH is too ashamed to show his face in our community these days.

But I now know we are over.

Did you tell him that, @3luckystars?

Did you tell him that you can clearly see the joy, intimacy and adoration in their chat? Did you declare that you are not prepared to stay in this one-sided marriage where he continues to actively build a primary emotional relationship with OW while treating you like a sidelined appliance?

He is making an utter mockery of your feelings, boundaries, and indeed your marriage. He absolutely needs to leave the home. Get him out and consult with a solicitor to move forward with plans to divorce. Please don’t allow him to manipulate you (i.e. protect OW) with more guff about this being platonic. Their intense enthrallment proves otherwise.

I echo the advice to contact OW’s Husband. She is making a fool of him with your H’s help. He needs to know that they’re in constant contact and are having an emotional affair, which has greatly damaged your marriage. Like you, her H deserves to be informed and have agency over his life.

Sending you strength and support, @Teaandbiscuits123456.

Oh God absolutely. I was crept on by a bloke when I was 18 and staying in their family home (au pair type situation) . His wife was 7 months pregnant. I was flattered for about half an hour then embarrassed.

After I left he wrote to me all soppy and 'oh you're very special ' (from his work address, natch). So I wrote back telling him that just because you feel something doesn't mean it has to be acted on. He was literally twice my age. I thought he was pathetic.

An OP, I am so sorry your husband is similarly 'oh I can't help how I feel'. I think he's pathetic too, and it seems you do as well, unsurprisingly .

It's just so disappointing, isn't it? 💐💐💐 for you.

My parents split for slightly different reasons when they were in their 40s and although it was shit for a while, my Mum then dated for a bit, thought better of saddling herself with another man, and lived a fabulous, busy, fulfilled life, working and running voluntary groups , going on numerous trips that she was interested in, and made many many friends - the younger among them are still in her life now she's 90.

I really wouldn’t contact the OWs DH. This could backfire on you - painting you as irrational and unhinged. You don’t need this distraction and diversion. If you believe it will flip your DH feelings back to loving, respecting and cherishing you then you are mistaken. I suspect his reaction will be the opposite. If you just want revenge on her - then go ahead once you have left your marriage - but even then you have no real proof that this limerence from your DH to her is reciprocal. She might be enjoying the bantz of the older mid life crisis guy at work.

You have much more important and pressing tasks ahead - to focus on yourself, your feelings, your needs, your wants for your future which don’t include your DH. Emotionally protect yourself and detach from him and this situation in your head and then use the freed up headspace now available to you from not being preoccupied with them - to invision your future, speak with solicitors, come up with a range of options that obviously will not be financially better but will be more than compensated by being emotionally better than being exposed daily to your DH disrespect and nonsense

He is showing you that he has no respect for you. I think that a relationship where the respect has gone is doomed - it’s a crucial building block for any healthy partnership.

I'm sorry that it has come to this, but your H clearly doesn’t care enough about you to put you first. He’s demonstrating contempt for you and your marriage.

This is so spot on. I was so, so tempted to do this but im glad I didnt (contacting the ow husband) . My situation is similar to this too.
Try to keep strong op. Sending lots of love and strength. 🫂🫂

This.

Did you post your situation on here at the time? Your brother came round and told him to leave?

Either way I wish you well 💐

I did post about it, but nothing to do with my brother.

Thsnk you x

How are you doing OP?

OP if you’re still monitoring, check out this thread:

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5503388-colleagues-wife-upset-about-our-friendship-am-i-being-naive?page=31&reply=151099073

This sounds remarkably like your husbands’ colleague.

OP You have to lead your own life. First you make your feelings very clear but if nothing changes you need to make it clear what you will tolerate. A small shock of you packing your bags (or his) will help clarify his priorities.

Thanks everyone, been taking some time to take stock.
Last weekend I asked him if I could see that they haven’t been messaging. He promised me they weren’t and there were no messages to show me but I later discovered him deleting all their messages. Don’t know what to believe. My friends think I should ask him to leave.

so he is reacting slowly to what you are telling him and it has taken time for it to register with him how upset you are hence him deleting messages "after" you asked him to.

If the same happens next time you ask then start a divorce as clearly the marriage is over

So sorry, but this is an emotional affair, or it would be easy for him to time this down/ stop it and he hasn’t and doesn’t want to.
Ot stops completely now or he gets asked to leave. He has to make a proper choice now. Enough choosing her over you. He gets to feel the consequences for ignoring your request.

I'd listen to your friends.

So he has continued to lie and cover his tracks.

when someone shows you who they are, believe them.

You always get people saying that everyone on MN likes to say LTB at every issue, and actually, I always DO say (or at least think) LTB to most posts on here. Mainly because I don't understand why so many women put up with so much shit.

But if your friends are saying it, they know you and him and your circumstances, so they're probably worth listening to x

I think you should listen to your friends. It’s easy for people online to say LTB, but if your friends who know you irl, and know him irl are saying it…

Aren’t they at work together? How do you not know what to beleive if you caught him deleting their messages, you know it’s still going on. Aren’t they together every day?

are you just trying to turn a blind eye and hope it stops as you don’t want your marriage to end, and just accepting it?

Hi op a liar will lie to your face and cover their tracks. If he’s putting her before you I think there lies your answer. Affairs can start emotionally then physical but considering you have been honest about how it makes you feel he’s not stopping is he. I think for your sanity you give him an ultimatum your 20 years seem to mean zero to her 2 years. Sorry this is happening especially after all your time together but I think this when they are likely to cheat as kids are grown up and he’s been with you for so long he seeks someone new exciting but this is not fair on you.

He is lying to you. He’s showing how little respect he has for you.