DH’s friendship with woman at work is killing our marriage

[Teaandbiscuits123456]

DH and I have been together for over 20 years and have two dc all grown up now. DH has made a very good woman friend at work and although not an affair it is very cosy iykwim. Private jokes, DMs at all hours and weekends, breaks spent in each other’s company.
I told him how this made me feel anxious and upset and his response was that that’s just how it is and he can’t help feeling like he does but insists it is just friendship. That just about broke my heart and has made me question where I figure in his life. They’ve only known each other for 2 years.
Knowing all this I’m worried I’m starting to think I might be falling out of love with him almost as a way of self-preservation if that makes any sense?
All the time they are working together I’m not sure if we can get back what we had even though I wish we could. I just don’t know what to do.

I don’t think it is physical-yet, but it’s emotional and that is just as painful. The messages he allowed me to see between them were so fun and playful, not flirtatious but you can see how much they mean to each other and how they are showing each other their best versions. He is making her laugh and she is loving it.

That’s awful OP, I’m so sorry. I almost think an emotional connection is worse than a physical one in many ways.

Do you know what you’re going to do now? Does he know how you’re feeling or does he think everything is smoothed over because he’s not going to the conference?

He is making her laugh and she is loving it.

I'm amazed that they've agreed not to go to the conference. Or at least, he has.
That would have been the perfect time for them to move to the physical side of things.

So painful for you to read them @Teaandbiscuits123456 . You need to draw back a little, I think.

What does your husband want to do? Have you asked him? I mean, he's continuing to message this woman despite you asking him not to - this situation can't continue, can it?

Apologies OP if this has already been mentioned (I have read all of your posts) but have you got a copy of Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass?

Very many men have dreadful boundaries around themselves, their behaviour and their marriages - they seem unable (and unwilling) to see how affairs often start about a hundred steps before any physical lines are crossed.

Presumably your husband promised to "forsake all others" when he married you. Now is a tune for him to put his money where his mouth is (and it's not that he isn't "allowed" to have friends, it's that inappropriate friendships that damage his marriage should be something he runs away from, not towards).

I think that’s what I can never understand - blokes can be shits about putting their dick it lust first but women who actively carry on with married or partnered up guys- when they know this - I will never get that. There will be plenty of mumsnetters too who have been that person and I often wonder now how they would feel if the same was done to them .

Some people have no morals. I cant see how their relationship will be anything but doomed if she pursues married men and he cheats on his pregnant wife. Hardly the foundation for a healthy relationship.

I’m so sorry but my advice is let him go. For your sanity and future happiness this relationship is over. Try not to waste any more tears or anger on him. Again I’m so sorry he’s treated you so badly. 💐

Exactly - the old one ‘when a man marries his mistress she creates a vacancy’ often has an element of truth

Two words sprang inexorably to mind: "Narcissism" and "Limerence". Or, as good friend of mine said today in Spanish: "Imbéciles!" I wish you well. Once trust is broken, it is hard to recover. Once you see your partner as a bit stupid, it is hard to unsee. If they can recognise that they have been completely daft and selfish in risking everything, there is a chance of recovery. However, they have shown you who they are, so be warned. I wish you well.

Hi op it’s a shit situation to be in but I would say now you see what he’s been like with her I think I would prefer to know than him bullshitting you all the time. You are in control now do what you need to do then decide if your going blow up her life. Prioritise yourself first. Fuck that selfish twat you call a husband.

Absolutely this 👌

Definitely message the husband if you can, he may have no idea !!!

Does her husband know what's going on? I think its about time he did!

Your H has clearly demonstrated that he has no respect for you. In my opinion, once the respect has gone, the relationship is unlikely to survive (assuming the respect is not rediscovered). He has shown you that he has no regard for you or for your feelings. He has decided you do not matter.

So sorry that you find yourself here - but at least you now know exactly where you stand, and can make your own plans accordingly. Make sure you put yourself first from now on.

It sounds like you are done so I would get my proverbial ducks in a row and until they were ready I would leave them to it.

Have you spoken to your solicitor friend and I would be getting myself financially and practically prepared for the split.

I wouldn’t be saying anything to her husband until you are ready to split. Nor would I keep pressing your husband. What’s the point?

Make sure you take control of this situation and don't let him back in your life when it all goes wrong.
I was in a very similar situation with my now ex wife. She was absolutely infatuated by her work colleague. She couldn't care less about me and my daughter and his long term partner who was also a friend and former colleague.
She was convinced it was love and he felt the same. But he was using her for sex. I got strung along for 8 years before finally saying enough is enough. He never left his girlfriend.
Please please try and get any evidence before walking away. As when they end it the first thing they will do is destroy everything and make you out to be an insane liar.
I would get all your financial paperwork including pensions and bank statements in place immediately and file for divorce.
I guarantee if you approach her husband without evidence they will destroy everything and then try and make you out to be a fool so please tread carefully.

I am sorry this is happening to you and I am really sorry that your DH once he knows of your discomfort and distress is not prepared to do anything at all to alleviate that.

This tells me a lot tho. If he sees it as purely work place bantz platonic he would have zero concern with a totally reasonable request for his focus on you outside of office hours and fade / not reply to her.

Him not being able to give you this tiny compromise tells me where his head is at whether work colleague is in same place or not. It tells me he is either shagging her, fantasising about shagging her or planning to shag her.

His mid life crisis (is she younger than him?) is very selfish and you are not his priority.

The four ‘A’s:

Awareness - you are there already

Anger - it’s valid and an important signal so don’t repress your feelings - it’s also an energy and a clarity.

Acceptance - when you stop begging, ruminating, trying to change someone / something that’s not within your control

Agency - this is your power. To do something whether that’s investigating your options, whether that’s emotionally detaching from him in your head - ‘drop the rope’ whether that’s seeking professional emotional support, whether it’s initiating the end of your marriage. But agency is not more words to him - he doesn’t hear you, you are not his priority. Don’t discuss it any further just have an alternative plan that you are researching.

Never feel you are being unreasonable or irrational. He’s not respecting you or being kind to you - all you get are the moody sullen teenager vibes at home when he can’t be with her - and underneath he will be so contemptuous and resentful of you.

She knew you were pregnant??? JFC.

Obviously all affairs are awful, but I especially cannot understand people who have affairs with people who have dependent children. They are SUCH threat to those children's worlds. I just could never do it to small children.

I saw up close how my friend's children's lives were blown up by their dad's affair. Of course my friend's life was too, but she had had her happy childhood. Her children's childhoods were shattered. The younger one won't even ever remember living with his dad.

I hope there's a special place in hell for people who are party to destroying children's childhoods like this.

ETA: How can anyone even fancy a man who cheats on his pregnant wife?? How is that not an INTENSE turn-off?

Yeah knew we were married, had a toddler and I was pregnant and also seemed to find the whole thing amusing. Its absolutely disgusting. Needless to say they are still together, and he now spends less time with his kids to accommodate spending time with her.

Vile behavior.

Absolutely this. U are a sitting duck giving them time to do things when they want. Get on the phone to the husband, tell him everything and then get this absolute dick out ur life. Stop wasting time all it is doing is letting them disrespect you even more. Kick him the fk out and start divorce. Come on u can do it, he is not worth anymore
oF your time.
you also need to have a grown up chat with your kids and let them know exactly what their dad is doing too.

And a grown-up convo with family and friends, before he gets his version out and you are branded crazy- ex.

I agree with the posters upthread who say to take control the situation going forward. Decide what you want and how things are going to be going forward. Don’t be blindsided by anything he says now. Maybe now it’s all blown up, he’ll realise what he’s losing, but it’s too late. Control the narrative from now onwards.

Yes - absolutely vile.

You say they're still together, but it sounds as if it's only been about six months. There's still time for them to find out what a mistake they made. Your husband is so disgusting to do such a thing to a pregnant wife that I cannot imagine he's any good as a longterm partner to anyone. And look what she's gained - a man who treats his pregnant wife like that! What a CATCH! She must be a bit thick - I can't believe she thinks she's come out on top with that one.

I know it won't seem like it now, but you are far, far better off without him, lovie. The silver lining is that you haven't wasted more years on him. Many people with tiny children do go on to meet a nice man and be happy, I've heard of that lots on here.

And no good comes to people who treat others the way these two have treated you. It's a huge stain on their characters and their conscience, and it will come back to haunt them one way or another, you mark my words, even if it takes a long time. These choices when younger are what constructs a sad and broken life when older. Your kids won't want much to do with him when they're grown-up, but they'll want you.

Again, it may not be much comfort now, but you're definitely much better off alone than with someone who wants to be with someone else. While divorces are always really sad, it takes a special kind of low-down oik of a man to leave when he has a very young child and a soon-to-be newborn. I hope his penis gets a horrible disease and drops off. 💐

Thank you for the lovely words I really appreciate it.

I do believe you cant live a happy and fulfilled life treating others so poorly, and expect his conscience or karma will catch up to him one day.

She is just absolutely awful and I have no words for the sort of person she is.

I hope ill find love again, but for now im just aiming to build myself back up and enjoy my kids as much as I can.