DH’s friendship with woman at work is killing our marriage

[Teaandbiscuits123456]

DH and I have been together for over 20 years and have two dc all grown up now. DH has made a very good woman friend at work and although not an affair it is very cosy iykwim. Private jokes, DMs at all hours and weekends, breaks spent in each other’s company.
I told him how this made me feel anxious and upset and his response was that that’s just how it is and he can’t help feeling like he does but insists it is just friendship. That just about broke my heart and has made me question where I figure in his life. They’ve only known each other for 2 years.
Knowing all this I’m worried I’m starting to think I might be falling out of love with him almost as a way of self-preservation if that makes any sense?
All the time they are working together I’m not sure if we can get back what we had even though I wish we could. I just don’t know what to do.

Is she prepared to give up her marriage for him

I think I would message her husband and see what his opinion on it all is. I wouldn’t be keeping quiet.

Also whilst I know the DH is the main culprit / protagonist, what is in it for the female colleague maybe she does see it as more than a friendship ?

Most people, who knew a colleague’s wife was upset by their unnecessary weekend texts, just wouldn’t continue. She is choosing her connection with him over another woman’s sense of security in her marriage. Maybe it’s an ego boost for her, an alleviation from the boredom of her own domesticity?

So very sorry OP. He’s a selfish idiot and she’s no better.
I would screenshot the messages and tell her husband that you have done so and are willing to show him, when you tell him that your marriage has broken up over the close relationship your husband has developed with his wife. He needs to know so that he can make his own choices.
Her husband has a right to know and without seeing the truth in the messages, will probably be treated to the ‘but we’re just friends, his wife is over-reacting’ bullshit you got treated to.
It’s time the little ‘close friends’ bubble got popped and reality stepped in for both of them.
Men in affairs distance their wives and pour all their energy into the affair and OW. Often it’s an obsessive, ego boosting infatuation rather than a deep connection, but sadly neither party can see it until they are at the point of losing the life and marriage they have built in the real world. Time for them to face the music and take the consequences of prioritising their emotional affair over those who really love them.
Prioritise yourself now, get all the legal advice and support you need and remember none of this is your fault, he knew what he had to do to avoid this and ignored it.

Also don’t forget that once the shine wears off for him (or unless she doesn’t dump and run to save her marriage with her husband finds out) she gets the sullen, non-communicative man who farts on the sofa.

Don't bother messaging her husband OP, nor her for that matter.

His vows were to you, no third parties.
The fact that he's introduced someone else into the relationship says it all.

Nothing her or her husband will say or do will change how he feels about you.

Been there and the woman knew, didn't give a fig and they didn't last long. She's probably forgotten all about me by now as I wasn't of importance to her.

Hold your head high and chuck him out on your terms.

Use the momentum of those messages to ask him to leave for a while. I know it's frightening because it feels very final and you imagine all the time he will have to message OW, but he is texting her/thinking about her/prioritising her anyway - take it out of your vision and use the space and time to clear your head.

He will still not understand that you are 'done' and will probably enjoy the first couple of days but soon realise the reality of being out of the family home. What that does or doesn't do to the situation is not the purpose though.

You will get a moment alone (and realise that you won't spontaneously combust just because he isn't there), and above all you will retain and demonstrate, dignity and self-respect. Ultimately he will respect you more for it down the line and this may matter in the future.

Don't do it with a future outcome in mind (him crawling back/you filing for divorce), just do it to show him you will recognise the situation for what it is and will not dance about playing 'pick me' to someone who isn't even trying.

I think she may be considering she knows how I feel and how it’s affecting our marriage. Either that or she just doesn’t give a shit about it all. Funny how being swept up in infatuation can do that I guess.

'A good friend of mine is a solicitor and I’ll be meeting her to talk about things next week. I need to explore my options at the very least I think, that has become clear.'

I have read your update/s, did you see your friend ?

Not easy, and it will probably take you a long time, but you want to end up at the point where their lives are 'not my circus, not my monkeys'.

Let her have him, the real him that you've been stuck with will some come out.

Your deserve so much better OP

The time has come for him to feel the full consequences of his actions. Tell him he has to leave. Let him experience life without you and your life together, everything he has sacrificed. Hope it was worth it! I’m sorry he has put you in this position, you did not deserve it. But you need to end this charade and start the act of self-preservation. Focus on doing everything you need to do to put your ducks in a row, to process, grieve, heal and move forward.

Wishing you all the best for the future

I’m so sorry. But glad you now have clarity on the situation

He is treating you appallingly by continuing to be in contact with her, that shows he really doesn't care about you at all. Please protect yourself and insist he leaves. You do not deserve to have this intrude woman on you in your home. He is a disrespectful silly old fool.

He's being awful to you @Teaandbiscuits123456 and I'm so sorry you're in this situation.

Have you made any plans about telling him it's over?

I'm so sorry, but good on you for making this decision!

You are getting more and more clarity, and it's shit, but you are worth so much more and I think once you're through the other side of this, you'll see xx

This is hard OP and I’m sorry 💐
Time to think what you want out of life and start excitedly planning your future free of him. You deserve so much better than this farting prick who doesn’t give a shit about how much he’s hurting you.

The decision has been made, good for you @Teaandbiscuits123456. Fucking abhorrent behaviour from him (and her!). I am still so furious on your behalf!

Do you have rl support right now?

I’m sorry OP. He's being incredibly unfair on you.

I’m sorry it’s ended this way, but at least now you know the facts, and can start making strides going forward. Wishing you all the best.

Some people are awful and so self serving.
Im 6 months + at the other side of this, but with very young children.
Its exhausting but I dont feel quite as overwhelmed day to day, at least at the moment. I do have the horrible feeling of waiting on him delivering some other awful information, such as OW being pregnant, but keep reminding myself not my circus not my monkeys!
She knew we had a child, and i was pregnant, and still was keen for them to have an affair so good luck to them both!!

You will get through this, although appreciate it is hard to believe but use your rl support and take small steps when you can.

Some people are bastards.

I'm so sorry OP. I was in your position about 10 years ago, while my ex actively pursued his now wife while disengaging from me. It's like they need to be sure it's reciprocated before they can blow everything up. But my future is brighter now than it ever was with him, and I hope that one day you will look back and see that yours is too 💐

The reason he can be that witty, funny, loving person for her is because he has you in the background taking care of all his needs. No doubt her husband is sitting on the sofa farting as well so your H is fulfilling her emotional needs. They both need a sharp dose of reality.

Tell him to leave. Then one of two things will happen. A) she will realise that your H wants more from her than she is prepared to give and will back off and he will realise what he has lost in your relationship or B) she will leave her H and they will shack up together. Once the honeymoon period has passed and he’s back to acting like who he really is, they will both be in the same situation they left but now they have to manage divorce and broken families.

You can’t control his actions or feelings but you can decide not to live in an inauthentic relationship that is harming you more than it is helping you. You are not the problem. She’s not special or more worthy of love than you.

Don’t allow them to use you to meet his needs at home so he can give her an ego boost at your expense. Take control of what you want and deserve.