DH’s friendship with woman at work is killing our marriage

[Teaandbiscuits123456]

DH and I have been together for over 20 years and have two dc all grown up now. DH has made a very good woman friend at work and although not an affair it is very cosy iykwim. Private jokes, DMs at all hours and weekends, breaks spent in each other’s company.
I told him how this made me feel anxious and upset and his response was that that’s just how it is and he can’t help feeling like he does but insists it is just friendship. That just about broke my heart and has made me question where I figure in his life. They’ve only known each other for 2 years.
Knowing all this I’m worried I’m starting to think I might be falling out of love with him almost as a way of self-preservation if that makes any sense?
All the time they are working together I’m not sure if we can get back what we had even though I wish we could. I just don’t know what to do.

@Wot23 it’s nothing to do with jealousy - everything to do with not being taken for a mug

Is @Wot23a male???

How are you getting on OP?

Oh I think so

Yep. As is shuggles.

They don’t hide themselves very well do they?

how about outside observer not prejudiced by the common gut reaction MN viewpoint

I rest my case regarding objectivity on here.

where does it say men must hide and only women may comment?
where does it say all comments must agree with whatever the OP says or thinks?
have you actually read the many other comments supporting get a divorce...

Why bother with MN then? Just can't bear women talking among themselves?

what a bizarre sexist remark,
If you cannot understand the nature of many comments on here then it is nothing to do with gender, but everything to do lack of the reader's objectivity.

Lol.

I’ve been taking some time to process all this and I appreciate your comments - all of them to get different perspectives. Things had been better, he isn’t going to the conference now (although he was grumpy about this). But I now know we are over. They were in touch over the weekend, despite me saying how this made me feel, and so I asked to see the texts. He reluctantly showed me and the connection between them just leaps off the screen. I realise how he must be when he is with her. Witty, private jokes, stroking each other’s ego’s, making each other laugh. All done while I was cleaning the bathroom on Saturday afternoon - nice. No wonder he enjoys being at work so much…
in comparison, I get the sullen, non-communicative man who farts on the sofa.
he spends way more ‘quality’ time with her in a week than with me. He may be physically in the room at home but that’s it. He saves his best side for her and I’ve had enough.

I’m sorry op but at least you know now and can work through the pain and move on!
people do find unusual connections with others and it’s great when it doesn’t hurt or include anyone else in the picture but sometimes u have no control in how u feel. However, there is never any excuse for doing this behind your partners back, ever! Sending u a big hug!

Yes he is so obviously in love with her and I can see that now. How he speaks to me and how he speaks to her is very telling to who he has feelings for.

That's so sad and painful for you OP.

But if it has finally shown you where you stand and allows you to realise divorce is the only way forward then the pain has a purpose.

I'm so sorry. But there is a better future for you ahead, once you have rid yourself of this cruel, cheating man.

Does she love him in the same way though, OP? It might be that she just sees him as a good friend and confidante and would be horrified that he was blowing up his marriage for her.

None of which matters to you, I know. I’m so
sorry he’s doing this to you. The sooner you can divorce him the better.

I’m glad you qualified this with your second paragraph 😬
I doubt she see’s the side of him that farts on the sofa, they’re in the honeymoon stage. He’s giving her the best version of himself, they always do 🫠

She knows how I feel

Wow, and she still persists with the messages? What an awful woman. Is she married?

I’m so sorry Op. Honeymoon phase for them but that doesn’t help you! You deserve a lot better & will be far better off without him.

I am so sorry to hear this, it's very sad. Now at least you can start looking at your options. I have been there and come out the other side and I am now happy and I am sure you will be too. Take care of yourself and my piece of advice would be get legal advice. Take care of yourself.

Yes she does. And he responded. Kept it going on Saturday and then a bit on Sunday

Just seen she is married. I would ask your DH how he thinks she would react if her husband objected to their “friendship” and if he doesn’t know about it yet, maybe it’s time he found out. How she dealt with the possible threat of her husband discovering their emotional affair would be very telling.

Might be worth getting some screenshots of their messages.

I’m increasingly feeling as though I want him out the house. Let him stay with her and her kids and husband. Let him see the reality.

Maybe the time has come to insist he moves out. His reluctantly cancelling the conference but continuing the messages doesn’t sound like the actions of a remorseful man who wishes to do anything he can to save your marriage.

I completely understand what you said in your original post about the feeling of losing love for them as an act of self preservation.

The story is as old as the hills. Men thinking that the younger bit of grass is so very much greener. But it just isn’t!
This woman may like to send a flirty weekend text - but it doesn’t sound like there’s any guarantee she will actually leave her husband? If she did - is all the juggling he will have to do (eg learning to step parent her younger children) going to be an inviting prospect? Introducing his new step children to your adult DC?

God these men are such idiots. Be strong OP. There’s a lovely life for you beyond this.

Is she prepared to give up her marriage for her