DH’s friendship with woman at work is killing our marriage

[Teaandbiscuits123456]

DH and I have been together for over 20 years and have two dc all grown up now. DH has made a very good woman friend at work and although not an affair it is very cosy iykwim. Private jokes, DMs at all hours and weekends, breaks spent in each other’s company.
I told him how this made me feel anxious and upset and his response was that that’s just how it is and he can’t help feeling like he does but insists it is just friendship. That just about broke my heart and has made me question where I figure in his life. They’ve only known each other for 2 years.
Knowing all this I’m worried I’m starting to think I might be falling out of love with him almost as a way of self-preservation if that makes any sense?
All the time they are working together I’m not sure if we can get back what we had even though I wish we could. I just don’t know what to do.

OP, I'm so sorry this is happening to you.

Re the conference, can you ask him for details of what it is and where it is? If it is genuine, he shouldn't have any qualms about telling you. But if he's at all cagey about it, that sounds like a massive red flag.

Thinking of you.

OP if it’s doable, go to where that bloody conference is.
If there’s one evening I could borrow a Time Machine for, it would be the one evening when I suddenly suspected pretty definitely that my husband was with someone else. I couldn’t quite get myself to believe it, he was that ‘never in a million, not that kind, loving, respectable husband and father…no way
my spidey senses have got it wrong…how terrible of I show up and I’m wrong!’
So I had the night from hell awake, wondering and telling myself this was nuts and of course not etc but it just wouldn’t go away. I don’t even know why I thought it, it came out if the blue to me.
Your gut knows what’s happening, even without proof. I knew which hotel he was in, just over an hour on a train and I’d have been there. My one night of ‘don’t be daft, no way.’ etc cost me many more nights of kicking myself and trying to blot out what had really happened later.
Go unannounced and tell the hotel you’re his wife, checking in to his room which is booked under his name, and just let yourself in. Ask if he’s booked dinner in the hotel and what time is the table. It will be booked for two, believe me.
Even if there’s nothing to see, his face will tell you the lot. Meanwhile get prepared for what you want to/ are going to do if this continues.
I’m sorry you’re where you are, and I know it’s not popular and that people have friends of the opposite sex, I do, (I only ever see them or text them within the friendship group they belong to, group outings and group chat) I don’t text them privately or often or mention them constantly) but men acting like this are never “just friends “. He’s far too invested and obsessed.
It starts to seep out in conversations, their behaviour, how you are treated, until you just know something, somewhere, is horribly wrong. Time’s up with this foolish man enjoying his ego boost.

The trust has gone, he's having an emotional, at least, affair I think.

While I would definitely try to find out if the conference is 'real' I would not get on a plane (if that is required) and fly there.

Personally, I'd feel a bit like Mr Rochester's first wife running amok from the attic doing that, and I would also far prefer to spend the time (and money) on something nice for myself.

NB: If money is not a major issue, you could find a local private detective who could check up on them and take pictures for you as well as chat up the hotel people. All documented and ready to go (if you needed it.) As long as you're not running a four-man surveillance team tracking him hither and tither it will be less than the cost of your flights and hotel etc.

But generally: I think you're far stronger sticking to your original message of if you go, stay elsewhere. You've said it, show you MEAN IT.

If she had any decency she’d be stepping back.

My best friend is a man (friends since our teens) and the last thing I’d want is to upset his wife or make her think there’s anything to worry about.

They’re both being shady and at the very least it’s an emotional affair.

I am in a not disimmilar situation.
My DH is of the opinion that men and women can just be friends.
If I'm honest, deep down I don't believe that.
Although I do disagree "it's never Colin from accounts". DH had a "bromance" with a new male friend (older than him) a few years ago and they were messaging at all hours.

So which are you ? I’m guessing you’re a man who talks to women because you’re posting on a predominantly female forum. And rather than answer my questions you’re just blithely repeating your original statement, so l’m also guessing you’re a man who doesn’t apply much in the way of critical thinking.

I often wonder whether these men who get themselves so entangled with another woman are just missing out on a good male friendship.

My DH has lots of intense friendships with other men / male colleagues. He’s definitely not gay but I joke that if it was a woman I would consider it an emotional affair. Laughing constantly at their messages, messaging throughout the day into our evening. Taking up new hobbies or interest they like. It rarely gets more than an eye roll from me, but if it was a woman it would feel different.

Although he’s had plenty of female colleagues he gets on with, and will sometimes go for drinks with etc, he has never sent more than cursory messages. He knows that the level of intensity he has with his male friends is not appropriate for someone in a relationship. But equally if he didn’t have close male friendships I think he would feel like something was missing.

Yeah, you could be right.
DH's behaviour with female friend isn't really much different to what it was with male friend. In fact, the frequency he was messaging him and talking about him I would definitely have screamed emotional affair if he'd been a woman. Not to mention rushing off to meet him at a pub whenever he called.
That friendship seemed to cool, and now he's replaced him with a woman I'm much more concerned.
Though he's told me it's no different. And tbh it doesn't seem as intense as it was with the man.
Maybe you are right and it is a close friendship they want. But I still think there's the potential for heterosexual men and women to develop things further.

Go unannounced and tell the hotel you’re his wife, checking in to his room which is booked under his name, and just let yourself in.

A good idea in principle, but is there a risk that you'll be told that his "wife" (ie the OW) is already there?

Of course men and women can be just friends. I have a male friend who I used to work with and speak to on messenger. Shock horror he’s also younger than me too. I am not going to be told who I can and can’t be friends with. It’s controlling. And no it isn’t an emotional affair which is another term that is completely overused nowadays.

That's the thing, the potential for something more to happen is higher.

Could be from him, or from the female friend.

It's happened to a heterosexual male friend where a gay friend came onto him.
It didn't go further but I think it's easier to go further between a heterosexual man and a heterosexual woman.

There'll always be people who think it's possible to be genuine friends and for nothing to ever happen. But we're all human and temptation is a thing.

Hope you're ok OP.

I have a work friendship the op has described, slightly different details though the context very much the same. Two people who gel and enjoy each others company. yes I think the colleague does cross the line and like me more than a friend though no lines have been crossed and never would be as both parties are in relationships. If we both were not in relationships I’m sure the story would be different, I’m sure it happens a lot in workplaces.

So you don’t accept that OP has anything to be worried about ?

It doesn’t matter whether it’s a man or a woman, or how he labels it.

If a friendship becomes so close that you feel uncomfortable, sidelined or replaced, that’s valid. The issue isn’t gender - it’s time and priority.

You shouldn’t need to prove something is inappropriate beyond doubt before you’re allowed to feel uneasy. If it feels off to you, that’s reason enough to address it. My sympathies @secretrocker its a shit feeling.

I have quite a few good male friends. Pretty much all from years back, uni days, ex boyfriends, flatmates, old colleagues and so on. Oh, and a couple of very close gay male friends who I've known for nearly 30 years. I have good relationships with their partners too, because there is no question of it being anything other than friendship. But friendly exes, obviously had to be negotiated, step back etc, to ensure respect to the new partner. It's just what you do.

I would NOT be looking to develop the same level of close one to one friendship anew with a man, say a colleague, who was in a marriage or partnership, and expect everyone to be cool with it if I wasn't going to become friends with the partner as well. "Be on friendly terms" yes, but you don't insert yourself into a relationship in the way the OP's husband's 'friend' appears to have done, with constant texting and calls at all hours as if she's their partner & his wife doesn't exist. Nobody in a "just friends" situation would be talking about "it's just how I feel." Come on. You can't be that naive. It's not controlling to understand the dynamics there or to know when something's off

I could not possibly know the answer to your question, because I can't read that man's mind.

The point is that we shouldn't be surprised when something follows its expected behaviour.

If a person makes a conscious decision to spend as much time as close to a bear as possible, then that person should not be surprised if the bear attacks them, because that's the bear's expected behaviour.

If a man who approaches women to talk to them... continues to approach women to talk to them... that's just expected behaviour.

OK then.

Then that’s all you need to know. I’d then probably sit on the lobby and call him from there to tell him to get his ass downstairs because if he doesn’t I’m on my way up.

I think a private detective is best if you could afford it as they could take pictures / videos and maybe record conversations without being recognised, then you could see if there is anything going on or how close they are and have proof if he tries to deny anything.

LOL
or OP could just accept that her jealously is rampant and the marriage is over.

Who are you? The husband?

That was my first thought too...

Or the over friendly friend