DH’s friendship with woman at work is killing our marriage

[Teaandbiscuits123456]

DH and I have been together for over 20 years and have two dc all grown up now. DH has made a very good woman friend at work and although not an affair it is very cosy iykwim. Private jokes, DMs at all hours and weekends, breaks spent in each other’s company.
I told him how this made me feel anxious and upset and his response was that that’s just how it is and he can’t help feeling like he does but insists it is just friendship. That just about broke my heart and has made me question where I figure in his life. They’ve only known each other for 2 years.
Knowing all this I’m worried I’m starting to think I might be falling out of love with him almost as a way of self-preservation if that makes any sense?
All the time they are working together I’m not sure if we can get back what we had even though I wish we could. I just don’t know what to do.

The husband is the brutal one.

Agree. I’m also struggling to see how any of the extra info this poster has asked for is relevant. Age doesn’t seem to be, because the overriding factor is the strong emotional bond he can’t let go of, and OP has already said her own children are grown adults.

How does any of what you asked factor into what’s happening here ?

Even if they genuinely don't fancy each other, he has withdrawn from you and his attention and emotions are with her. That is massively damaging to a marriage, even without an affair. She is as bad as him if she knows it upsets you and carries on contacting him so much out of work. I have a male colleague who I am really close to but I rarely contact him out of work as I don't want to cause these issues, like you are suffering, with our partners. I am sorry they are both such jerks. He will realise the error of his ways if you decide to end the marriage but it will be too late.

If DH wasn't a sociable person, then he would never have become a "DH" to begin with. It has to be accepted that a DH will always talk to other women, because men who don't speak to women never become a DH.

He is being like this because he thinks he can have his cake and eat it for the time being, and he doesn't want to make a final decision regarding your relationship for as long as he is able to string you both along. At some point either you or she will force a decision. Who will it be? Failing that, he just continues in this halfway measure that utterly disrespects your relationship and makes you miserable.

Some pp have suggested stopping the household chores etc, but if you do this, I think it's important you link it to his behaviour and make it very clear it is because you are reconsidering the relationship. Otherwise you just feed into his mind more fodder for him falling "out of love" with you. People are very quick to look to blame an innocent party, when they don't want to accept their actions have caused the relationship breakdown. All too often the hurt party withdraws and acts oddly (essentially as a weak attention-seeking measure) and, far from making the other partner pull back towards their original relationship, it "justifies" in their mind why they are moving on. If you go cold, withdraw, cease your normal dynamics, i think it is wiser to make it very clear why - and put it heavily at his feet. That way he is forced to confront it. Don't help wean him off you; make him confront what he stands to lose, and choose,

Well that's a massive exercise in over-simplification isn't it?

Honestly. Get all your paperwork in order. Bank cards, start a savings just for u. Put money away. You will need it. He has no respect for you to the fact he won’t even try to minimise time spent. It is an emotional affair at the least and I’m sorry to say but he is showing his true colors by not caring. I think you need to start getting ur ducks in a row and then suggest separating when it suits you. He will either stop immediately or continue with no fks
given. He will show you then what is important to him the most. Either way you have lost trust in him so you need to consider everything now

Is there any way that you can check if there is a conference and whether his company are actually attending? If there is one, could you ring the venue to see if his company are part of it?

Yeah if you children are grow up and you can arrange it, I would definitely attend the conference. See it with your own eyes.

It will be a lovely surprise for him.

I always think this (ie; turning up at a dinner. date, conference, party etc) is the best flushing-out move on these types of threads. Yes, it takes pluck and a bit of gumption, but it cuts to the heart of it without mucking round.

If I were having an affair and the wife had the balls to do this, I'd be quite impressed - and would feel like a caught-out schoolgirl with my hand in the cookie jar.

💯

You don’t even have to confront them or let them see you. It could bean information gathering exercise plus an overnight in a hotel might be nice.

When I asked how old she is, it’s because age can change the dynamic. Sometimes what looks serious is more about attention, validation, or a phase rather than something long-term. A big age difference can shift the balance in ways people don’t always think about.
I asked about children because that affects the practical reality. If his children are already grown up, he’s at a different stage of life. If she has young children, that would mean going back into school runs, childcare, routines, and all the responsibility that comes with that. That’s a huge lifestyle change for someone who’s already raised their kids. People sometimes overlook what starting over with young children actually means day to day.
And when I asked if she works . It’s about independence and security. Being financially independent changes your options and confidence.

I wish I had done this.

OP laid out a very recent history in a 20-year marriage. I’m asking about what preceded this, just as any marriage counsellor would do.

He’s the resident forum misogynist- take no notice of his sexist nonsense

And once they are a DH - especially after twenty years - do you think it’s acceptable that he should still be behaving as though he is a single man. Because that’s what he’s doing here. He has a wife and family and a home life. Why does he feel the need to form an emotional (and if not sexual, in imminent danger of becoming so) bond with anyone other than his wife ?

I don’t know of any marriage counsellor who would ask whether this was tit for tat for similar language OP had used to explain a reduction in sexual activity at some point. You framed it in exactly this way and it came across as victim blaming. Just as it would to any marriage counsellor worth their salt.

Absolutely none of this is a factor in his intransigence toward OP. If he’s at the point where he’s determined to carry on the relationship despite the pain it’s so obviously causing OP and has been told it’s directly threatening his marriage, then he clearly has a deep and meaningful connection to this woman which means more to him than his own wife. He may think twice about everything else once he’s plunged back into child care and school runs but by then he’ll have burned his boats and it won’t be OP’s problem.

100% certain you will not get a dispassionate and objective response on MN

if you cannot control your own response then get a move on with your divorce as that is what you seem to want

Sorry you are being made to feel like this and question everything.
It's a big boundary he has crossed in what he has said to you and his actions.
Definitely see a solicitor .
You shouldn't be made to feel this way it's really unfair .. what would your grown up children think of him allowing you to feel this way.
As scary and sad as it is if the marriage ends you will find yourself again it could be a time to start that look after you do what you want to do for you xx

If you marry a man who is sociable and who talks to women, then your DH will be a sociable man who talks to women.

If you want a man who doesn't talk to women... then marry a man who doesn't talk to women.

So are you literally suggesting that OP isn't having enough sex with her H? Meaning H is flinging himself willy first at the first female colleague who he thinks might be interested in having sex with him because the poor man is so sex-deprived?

Which is why i also said in my opinion it is over.
His behaviour shows a huge disrespect for OP. He has moved on and so should she.