DH’s friendship with woman at work is killing our marriage

[Teaandbiscuits123456]

DH and I have been together for over 20 years and have two dc all grown up now. DH has made a very good woman friend at work and although not an affair it is very cosy iykwim. Private jokes, DMs at all hours and weekends, breaks spent in each other’s company.
I told him how this made me feel anxious and upset and his response was that that’s just how it is and he can’t help feeling like he does but insists it is just friendship. That just about broke my heart and has made me question where I figure in his life. They’ve only known each other for 2 years.
Knowing all this I’m worried I’m starting to think I might be falling out of love with him almost as a way of self-preservation if that makes any sense?
All the time they are working together I’m not sure if we can get back what we had even though I wish we could. I just don’t know what to do.

This is an emotional affair. It’s not reasonable behaviour within a marriage @Teaandbiscuits123456 xox

On what planet did I claim it is? Read what I actually wrote.

This is not acceptable behaviour within a marriage Op - hope you’re ok & well done for standing up for yourself.

Can you explain then?
It reads like blaming the Op

Marriages can of course have issues
None of them are solved by extramarital affairs

@moderate. I am not sure what you are suggesting here. It doesn't matter what has or hasn't been addressed in the past. The current facts are easy to understand

DH is having in an inappropriately close relationship with OW
OP has asked him to step back, but he has refused because he 'can't help how he feels'
OP has questioned if she is being overly-jealous or unreasonable and come here to sense check herself.
OP has been reassured that she isn't and that lots of us are familiar with the DH behaviour which in MANY cases leads to a physical as well as emotional affair.
OP has told her DH that the conference that he absolutely wasn't required for is line in the sand for her, and that if he goes he will have to find somewhere else to stay for a while
DH has come back with a wishy-washy 'see what I can do' type response.

What DH has done with that response is put the importance of attending the conference onto a 'work footing'. He has made it about whether his work will allow him to duck out. He has deliberately chosen to ignore what the real dealbreaker was about. The correct response would have been "OK. I hear you and I want to reassure you. I will not be going to the conference and yes, we need to talk about how my 'friendship' is making you feel and address it".

He has not done that. I don't think there is any need to speculate over what he has or hasn't done to help the marriage. In this particular scenario, he has done nothing to help the marriage.

OP - well done on drawing your line in the sand. His pathetic response is telling and disappointing. Don't feel pressured to do anything, but do give yourself time and space to decide what comes next. I am glad you are talking to your solicitor friend.

Succinct but accurate.

Is she younger / prettier than you?

I would be worried too. As Harry says in When Harry met Sally - 'Nah, you pretty much wanna nail them too'.

Does she have a partner or is she single?

At best he's being very selfish and ignoring your feelings. Sit down with him and have a serious talk. If this solves nothing I think you have to leave him.

He's cheating on you emotionally and seems to get some enjoyment out of your distress - that's a tad sadistic.

Your children are grown up - the ball is in your court.

P.S.
Do you have any male friends you could go the cinema with?
I'd try that first to give him a taste of his own medicine.
If he has any real feelings left for you, he won't like it.
If he doesn't care, I'd starting talking to a solicitor.

You deserve to be with someone who wants to be with you exclusively.
It's not a lot to ask.

Read all the OPs posts on this thread. She (OW) is married with young children. That doesn't appear to have made a difference to the situation.

I actually don’t think the main issue here is whether his friend is younger and prettier than OP. I think the deciding factor is that when confronted with OP’s worries and anxieties about the relationship he point blank stated that he can’t change his feelings and that just the way it is. So he’s more than prepared to prioritise his ‘friendship’ with this woman over his commitment to OP and it either hasn’t crossed his mind, or he doesn’t care that he is jeopardising his marriage. It’s more than selfish, it’s reckless and cruel, and a good indication that there is a much deeper connection there than he’s prepared to admit to. OP deserves better.

Yes, let’s take it all the way back to the playground - tit for tat instead of behaving like the adults they are and either confronting the issues or leaving if they can’t be resolved. Way to draw out the misery.

You wrote this: But we don’t know what he has or hasn’t tried to do to fix it.

Yes we do. OP has laid it out. Precisely nothing. His interest in spending time with her is waning and she gets little or no response if she suggests doing some of the things they used to enjoy together.

In actual fact, it’s less than nothing - he now knows how upset and anxious his behaviour is making OP and when confronted he quite clearly said he has no intention of changing anything. ‘I can’t change my feelings, that’s just how it is’.

And yet you posted to the effect that maybe she had used these same words to her DH to explain a waning sex life. On what planet would you jump to that as a reasonable explanation when it’s actually some sick version of tit for tat ? What evidence is there in any of OP’s posts that they didn’t have a good marriage before this friendship developed ? Apart from anything else, it’s absolutely no justification for having an affair. If you can’t address what, if anything, is wrong in the marriage and leave if you can’t work it out, you’re not being honest with either yourself or your partner.

You’ve presented a mans’ argument - no, a mans’ excuse. Which is why I challenged you, as have a number of other posters. OP’s main concern here is not, or shouldn’t be, whether he and his ‘friend’ have already had sex, or even that they are planning to initiate a physical element. His response has indicated a deep and intimate connection that he knows deep down is inappropriate but is not prepared to give up, even if it puts his marriage on the line. That’s what OP should be focused on because that’s where the real infidelity lies.

Don't do this. It's childish and the sort of thing an 18 year old might do three months into a relationship. Behave with dignity and truth because that way, no matter the outcome, you will come away loving and believing in yourself.

I don’t see how I can further clarify “we don’t know what he has or hasn’t tried to do to fix it”.

On 13/2/26 at 23.35pm OP posted I’ve seen them together and she was very attentive and hanging on his every word

I have a feeling you have at one time been "that friend" your reactions throughout have been very telling. When a partner becomes so entangled in a "friendship " mo matter what that friendship is. To the point you put them before your spouse. Something isn't right.
Hopefully you are not the husband or the "friend"

Of course you don’t because he hasn’t. OP’s made that quite clear. If he had, he wouldn’t be making OP feel as though he’s not interested in spending time with her, he would be engaging with her suggestions that they do some of the things they enjoy together, he would have put in some boundaries with this woman about contact outside of work hours, and generally working hard to ensure he’s prioritising his wife. Instead he’s got one foot in another relationship even though he knows it’s putting his marriage on the line, and he’s effectively telling his wife she can like it or lump it. Have you actually read her updates, because it doesn’t seem like it ?

Totally agree. There’s also the consideration that if the marriage broke down he would undoubtedly try to weaponise this to minimise his own part in it.

I'd be surprised if he does this.

Not sure what the point of your posts are then and you still havent clarified what you meant?

This is a terrible way to live @Teaandbiscuits123456 and it inevitably grinds you down. As scary as it must seem to contemplate leaving, the reality (after the initial sadness) may very well surprise you.

Life on your own is not nearly as lonely as living in the that awful liminal uncertainty. You know you deserve much better than the way you’re being treated, and what we often can’t see when we’re in a bad relationship is that the solution isn’t finding a better man, it’s just removing the pain inducing one. So don’t let thoughts of never finding love again keep you paralysed.

You’ve already started to let him go from your heart. Start lining up the ducks. Gather your financial evidence quietly, while you wait for this appointment. Look at property options in your price range- you’re a little way off this, but you may find that you start envisioning a life where you’re not tripping over his shoes, or cleaning his toothpaste off the bathroom mirror. Try and find the little glimmer of light and follow it. There’s a way out of this dark place.

Men are only friends with women their own age or younger if they fancy bonking them.

It is very sensible to explore your options, and should you need to proceed I'm sure your friend will be able to suggest the right solicitor for your needs (which won't be her unless she is a divorce specialist).

From your earlier post:
"Had a good long think last night. He was at work this morning and I’ve texted that if he goes to this conference at the end the month with her then he should stay somewhere else for a while when he comes back. He hasn’t responded yet but he has read it."

So, his response is "he will see what he can do about backing out of the conference". And of course we all expect him to now say it's not possible, his employer expects him to go, yadda yadda yadda. Although, to be honest, it's almost immaterial now whether he goes or not, because his 'I'll see what I can do' makes it clear that you are still at the bottom of his priorities.

'I'll see what I can do' is in the same line as his "that that’s just how it is and he can’t help feeling like he does" - making himself out to have no agency, no say in the matter or what he does and what he feels. It's as if he has this romantic notion of himself, helpless, buffeted by the waves of uncontrollable emotion and harried by the demands of a pitiless boss. Which is all nonsense of course, because he chose to have his ego stroked by this relationship in exactly the same way he chose to volunteer to go to this conference. (And I must admit, the theory put forward by other Mumsnetters that this conference doesn't even exist is indeed possible.)

So, if he 'sees what he can do' and then claims the answer is 'nothing' and he HAS to go to this 'conference' - then he also HAS to stay somewhere else on his return. No ifs or buts. If he claims he can get out of it and doesn't go to 'wherever' - I'm still not sure I'd want him in the house, where he will undoubtedly droop around the place sighing at the unfairness of it all like a lovelorn teen.

But, focus on yourself and not him - get advice from your friend and consider your next move. ((hug))

@Kalanthe I’ve said this so many times on here - women are looking at it solely from a female perspective — ‘well I can do this, have all kinds of male friends I don’t fancy, just like their company -‘
I’ve discussed this with many different men over the years( I’m 64), relations, friends of my H , colleagues, my son, they all have said whilst they can have casual friends/acquiantances who are colleagues, ex uni friends who were part of their circle etc etc , they don’t go out their way to be frequently in contact, making plans , communicating on the quiet unless they either fancy them ( even if not free for a relationship right now ( them or the woman) or they think they could be useful career wise .

Wow brutal!