DH’s friendship with woman at work is killing our marriage

[Teaandbiscuits123456]

DH and I have been together for over 20 years and have two dc all grown up now. DH has made a very good woman friend at work and although not an affair it is very cosy iykwim. Private jokes, DMs at all hours and weekends, breaks spent in each other’s company.
I told him how this made me feel anxious and upset and his response was that that’s just how it is and he can’t help feeling like he does but insists it is just friendship. That just about broke my heart and has made me question where I figure in his life. They’ve only known each other for 2 years.
Knowing all this I’m worried I’m starting to think I might be falling out of love with him almost as a way of self-preservation if that makes any sense?
All the time they are working together I’m not sure if we can get back what we had even though I wish we could. I just don’t know what to do.

OP l’m so sorry to introduce more uncertainty into this but are you 100% sure that there even is a conference ? Several posters have mentioned that it looks very like a cover story and I think you need to make sure that his ‘backing out’ isn’t actually a case of cancelling his leave and ‘Sorry Sheila, we’ve been rumbled so the trip is off’. I’m sorry if that sounds harsh but it’s a question of intent and l think you need to be clear on it.

Op, he may not be able to help how he feels but neither do you. He is taking the mickey, enjoying the romance at work while having a woman at home keeping his life comfortable. Stand your ground, set your boundaries, decide how much you are prepared to do and sacrifice to keep the relationship going BUT remember it is not all on you. If he is already checking out (he is if he puts having fun with this woman, however innocent it may be, well above your feelings) the only wise thing you can do is to put yourself first, put your ducks on a row as he can call it quits anytime.

I don’t think OP wants a new lease of life. I think what she wants is to not be left with the sense that the man she loved and trusted for twenty years is not who she thought he was.

Well done for telling him if he goes to the conference then he needs to move elsewhere when he returns. That will make him realise how serious the situation is. I hope he follows through and cancels, but if not do please stick to your resolve and insist he leaves whilst you assess your financial situation. That way you are taking control and whatever the outcome you won't feel so powerless.

The difference is that there is the potential for an opposite sex friendship to tip over into something else. And why are you insinuating that OP is the problem because she doesn’t trust him, when she’s trusted him just fine for the last twenty years until he gave her reason not to ?

This.

Maybe . But OP isn’t going to back down on her ultimatum. OP should do a bit of detective work. What was the conference , where & when …was it just a cover story?

Very wise decision @Teaandbiscuits123456 to not make a hastily decision about your future together but at the same time prepare for the eventuality of a divorce and get informed so you got all the information you need before you might need it. I hope he gives his head a wobble and realise what's at stake here and that he's not too far gone in his emotional affair with the other woman.

I would discreetly do some detective work to find out if the conference is for real and also read his messages with the woman to find out what's going on.

What was his response to the rest of your text and the line in the sand? Him 'trying to get out of the conference' and not cancelling immediately is not reassuring.
He seems to be game playing and trying to cover all options. Clear boundaries now along with openess and transparency. Otherwise he would be told today that you are moving forward looking at your options.

if he goes to this conference at the end the month with her then he should stay somewhere else for a while when he comes back.

this is a good ultimatum - you haven't said if he goes to the conference that the marriage is over or he needs to move out permanently - but if he goes to the conference he has to stay elsewhere for a while

which gives you breathing space
give you time to digest what is happening
gives you some time to decide what you want

it also gives him the strong message you're not a walk over

as others have said, I doubt he will get out of going to the conference and will have a lip service of excuses, to later looks bad blah blah blah - be prepared for this.

There's a hint there inhis reply to you....he will see if he can back out of the conference. He didn't say that he won't go. He can go ro his boss and explain that his marriage is on the line otherwise or he can ring in sick on the day. There is always a way. His marriage should be put before everything else.

Luckly you're wise enough to see through all of this and are seeking solicitor advice. Well done.

And if there is no ‘conference’ he’s factoring in the reaction of his ‘friend’ when he tries to tell her their little ruse to get away together has been rumbled and will have to be called off.

OP, why not show him this thread. I suspect it would sober him up a bit.

PS. His behaviour is completely selfish, he deserves the divorce that is coming his way if he doesn't mend his ways.

@Teaandbiscuits123456 Men don't like being told what to do, they dig their heels in even more.
Make up a friendship with a man and tell him all about your conversations and his opinion on things. See how he likes it

With every post OP has made it clear that DH’s behaviour has caused a sea change in their relationship.

And the majority of posters have told her to ditch the relationship without even bothering to ask whether this was cause or effect.

Mumsnet at its finest.

My sister had similar with her DH. He had a ‘good’ female friend that he went for drinks with, had dinners with, texted and called. She too hung on to his every word and ultimately turned to him for ‘solace’ when her marriage ended.

Dsis left the kids with someone else (they were younger than yours) and sat him down and calmly and practically told him in no uncertain terms how his actions were affecting her and how things would unfold if he carried on. She said that he would leave her in no other position but to end the marriage because of his actions. Made it clear it wasn’t on her. It was entirely on him.

He listened and changed his behaviour and although it took time for trust to build back up, they’re still together 35 years later. But she also meant what she said and he knew it.

Edited to add: sometimes men need it spelled out in black and white the consequences of their actions.

Op it’s not just about backing out of the conference he’s needs to back out of the relationship with her. She’s become his number one and people do have affairs in the work time so it’s not like he’s giving her up completely. This is the only way your marriage will work.

I would now be expecting him to come back with a 'I tried but they're counting on me now so I have to go but I TRIED'. And I would say that doesn't change the position for you on him finding somewhere else to live if he goes. You've drawn a line which is useful. I would stick with it.

OP, there is a letter to Annalisa Barbieri in yesterday's Guardian (no paywall) that is very similar to yours, except that she and her husband are in their early sixties and have been married for forty years, her husband's new friendship is with an ex-colleague, and she says that their relationship has had its ups and downs, whereas yours seem to have been better thus far. I suggest that you read the letter, Annalisa's response (she is always very good), and the comments. Good luck, OP, and please report back!

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2026/feb/15/my-husband-friendship-woman-he-used-to-work-with

But it doesn't matter, does it? The response to someone looking outside the marriage should never be "Did I do something to cause this?", because someone who, when unhappy in their relationship, gravitates towards someone else rather than trying to fix it with their partner, isn't worth staying married to.

You cant help how you feel husband well I cant help thet what I felt yor you has curled up and died over this! Ltb

But we don’t know what he has or hasn’t tried to do to fix it.

Most people on this site seem to want to throw away their vows (or more accurately, other people’s vows) at the first sign of trouble. Sometimes people counsel marriage counselling but I wonder sometimes if they picture it as the counsellor simply agreeing with the first version of events they hear.

His response is such a tell.
He will see what he can do, whilst faced with his marriage ending?

OP, the marriage is over, its a timing thing that he has to weigh up.
Meet your friend and get in front of the inevitable.
He's already gone in his head.

I'm sorry if that is harsh.

Read Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass.

hes definitely having an affair (even if not physical yet) - a cold sharp shock is what he needs.

On what planet is the DH trying address issues in his marriage ( that Op is unaware of) by sneaking off and starting an inappropriate relationship ?

All the current research shows that its emotionally immature people who start extra marital affairs to boost their own egos
Otherwise they would address it first,take responsibility and work through it .
But they never do...