DH’s friendship with woman at work is killing our marriage

[Teaandbiscuits123456]

DH and I have been together for over 20 years and have two dc all grown up now. DH has made a very good woman friend at work and although not an affair it is very cosy iykwim. Private jokes, DMs at all hours and weekends, breaks spent in each other’s company.
I told him how this made me feel anxious and upset and his response was that that’s just how it is and he can’t help feeling like he does but insists it is just friendship. That just about broke my heart and has made me question where I figure in his life. They’ve only known each other for 2 years.
Knowing all this I’m worried I’m starting to think I might be falling out of love with him almost as a way of self-preservation if that makes any sense?
All the time they are working together I’m not sure if we can get back what we had even though I wish we could. I just don’t know what to do.

Exact same situation as me. He left me and they’re now married. Best thing that could have happened as I have a lovely life now . He’s tempted if nothing else but stand your ground! X

It might be a better strategy to sit tight for a while: try to detach yourself (very difficult) from the situation, go out and do things on your own or with friends and take an evening class, figure out your finances, talk with a therapist or counsellor, and perhaps a lawyer too (or at least get informed about the logistics of separation/divorce). He may lose interest in this infatuation, but if he doesn't, which unfortunately is quite likely, you will be prepared psychologically and materially and able to respond rationally.

This is very cold-sounding advice, but feeling hurt and downcast will put you in a vulnerable position. Your husband may have been a kind man, but he's not behaving like one, and if he decides to leave you for his colleague, he likely will not be considerate or generous.

I am very sorry to read this, OP.

So sorry to hear about your situation.
Giving up on 20 good years is heartbreaking, suffering for the next 20 years will be heartbreaking.
i hope this helps. X

if he chooses to not go to the conference, will you be able to trust him or even have anywhere near the relationship you used to have?

I think this is a good point - he’s going to gave to do more than just give the conference a miss if he wants to keep his marriage intact. Which makes me wonder why the delay between him reading OP’s message and replying to it. Surely if your partner messaged to tell you your marriage is in trouble you’d be in contact ASAP.

Well done Op !

he obviously wanted to see if he could shag her at the conference whilst gaslighting you about it.

def say that if he goes you’ll assume that is it.

maybe go see a solicitor about how a spilt would work out, just for your info. You don’t have to do anything.

good luck ! You are doing the right thing

Civil Service HR.

I can assure you that my casework shows you are very very mistaken. It’s not platonic, it’s not left in the office, and quite frequently it comes close to tribunal.

Same with the NHS

Same with education

Same with private sector.

HTH.

‘can’t help feeling like he does‘ - which is?
I’d go through his phone and stuff, see if they’ve been up to anything.

That image is exactly how I felt after finding out shit about my H from many years ago - we are still married, but to be honest that really rang home as I’ve never felt 100% since

He is knowingly ignoring boundaries in your marriage. No excuse. Cruel, selfish. At best, forgetting himself and what your and his relationship is/was about.

I think he would shit himself if you told him he had to leave and he would snap out of it, he thinks you’ll just put up with it. Show him you won’t and then watch him try to crawl back as I bet the other woman won’t leave her husband for him.

As soon as I say this thread title I knew some one would say this...of course men have men friends. This is the worst cliche on mumsnet, people going..oh its never colin from account...of course it fucking is. Of course men have men friends. Just it is never commented on.

No judgement about op. Just this response is so, so worthless

The only rational reposense on this thread.

Of course you can.

@Teaandbiscuits123456, I agree with @IsabellaCoral and others who have suggested your consulting with a solicitor regarding your options. Knowledge is power and you need to make decisions from a position of strength.

He claims that he can’t help his feelings but of course he can control his actions, and he is choosing to pursue OW like a single man. He can claim ‘She’s just a mate’ til he’s blue in the face, but that is a lie. This is not a platonic friendship by any stretch. Their dynamic and level of contact are way too intense, which indicates deep intimacy and physical attraction. His relegating you to secondary status while actively gaslighting and trampling your boundaries show just how disengaged he is. The sharp shock of feeling the loss of you might snap him back down to earth, but I fear he is too far gone. Frankly, I would have lost all trust and respect for him, and would not put myself through soul-crushing anxiety while they continue working together. It would be game over for me.

Well, not really a rational "reposense" from you there, is it

Are you OP's husband or the "friend"?

Get a grip. We live in the real world. Nothing "irrational" about it, as those who've been through similar situations can attest.

The guy's behaving like a tosser. Sit down.

Sorry, I hadn’t added this……. Hope it helps! 😘😘😘

Condescending response, and irrational.

Yes, men have friends at work, but if it comes to those "special friendships" where a man spends tons of emotionally intintimate time with the "friend" outside work to the detriment of their marriage - it's pretty much ALWAYS a fuckable woman, not Colin from accounts. Nor Gertrude from supplies, who is plagued with hot flushes and who could do with a friend.

A good friend of mine is a solicitor and I’ll be meeting her to talk about things next week. I need to explore my options at the very least I think, that has become clear.
Although Dh said he will see what he can do about backing out of the conference so will see what happens there…

Think thats the best thing you can do at this point OP. Just know your options and be prepared for anything going forward.

He will most likely act like he tried all he can to get out of it, but now "has to" go anyway.

If he doesnt go, he needs to do a lot of making up to you; not going on the trip would be insufficient at this point. You do what you think is best, hope it all works out for you.

How old is this woman?
How old are her children?
How old are your children?
Do you work?

Ps I think you are clutching at straws he is more into her than he is you. Sorry😔

If he has said at least said he will.see if he can back.out of the conference then you.have obviously got through to him about how seriously you feel.about things OP. Of course he may end up ttelling you his employers won't let him back out .
I.think speaking to your solicitor friend is an excellent thing to do, whatever happens with the conference.

No, actually it’s one of the very few responses which are victim blaming in tone. This isn’t about how OP feels about herself, it’s about how her DH is making her feel, and asking OP ‘what does it take from you’ is deflecting from that.

With every post OP has made it clear that DH’s behaviour has caused a sea change in their relationship. Comparing what’s happening here to a friendship with another male is anything but rational because the dynamics are totally different, and there is much more potential for it to develop into something inappropriate.

He will never back out of the conference.

More context, please.

How old are you and hubby?
Are you financially dependent on him? Or do you have your own career?

You are fortunate to have grown-up DC - it makes the inevitability of a divorce MUCH easier to bear for so many reasons.

You might find this gives you a new lease of life.