DH’s friendship with woman at work is killing our marriage

[Teaandbiscuits123456]

DH and I have been together for over 20 years and have two dc all grown up now. DH has made a very good woman friend at work and although not an affair it is very cosy iykwim. Private jokes, DMs at all hours and weekends, breaks spent in each other’s company.
I told him how this made me feel anxious and upset and his response was that that’s just how it is and he can’t help feeling like he does but insists it is just friendship. That just about broke my heart and has made me question where I figure in his life. They’ve only known each other for 2 years.
Knowing all this I’m worried I’m starting to think I might be falling out of love with him almost as a way of self-preservation if that makes any sense?
All the time they are working together I’m not sure if we can get back what we had even though I wish we could. I just don’t know what to do.

Thank you, appreciate it. Long time but clearly these dickheads haven’t changed.

Been happily married to my husband now for 20 years.

I don’t think she would be lowering herself by confronting the OW. She needs to hear the truth as she’s not getting it from her DH. It’s more degrading for the OP being lied to whilst they carry on behind her back! If her suspicions are confirmed she can name the OW in divorce proceedings because as it stands now, he is feeding her the friendship narrative. I’ve been in this position myself and believe when i say, it’s kinder to hear the truth to move on.

I suspected my husband was having an affair. I found out where she worked and confronted her. She said 'we're just friends and enjoy each other's company'. I later found out that they had been having an affair for 2 years.

I would be having words with her husband if im honest. See what he thinks. Take it from there. If talking to your husband is getting you no where. The relationship is already over. Neither of them seem to care about their spouses. They only have space for each other. You are showing in part an acceptance of this. Its only a matter of time before they leave their relationships. Do you want them to have the upper hand. Its probably wise to put your finances in order.

This is soul destroying and you really don’t have to put up with this. The alternatives are also really tough but you are absolutely not obliged to endure years of this stress.

Very close and fun connection, constant contact, thirst for OW’s company, reaching out to her even while dining with you, totally dismissing your discomfort and boundaries…

@Teaandbiscuits123456, your H is absolutely having an emotional affair (at the least) with this OW. He has shifted his allegiance and is pouring his emotional resources into their relationship while diminishing you and your marriage. This is all about him and his need to be validated by external flattery and an exciting adventure.

I suggest that you read Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass. She examines the slippery slope of emotional infidelity — how a marriage/partnership is damaged when one partner blurs boundaries in a friendship and invests more and more emotional energy, time and attention in the third party.

So far your H has stonewalled and gaslit you to protect his illicit relationship. You have taken a huge proactive step by putting your foot down and telling him to stay elsewhere if he goes to the event. He needs to understand that you mean business. Personally, I would send him away if he doesn’t acknowledge their inappropriate relationship, cut contact with OW, provide transparency with devices, and work on his need for flattery and thrills outside the marriage.

Good for you.

hi OP, I think you need have a very clear picture of what you want to happen going forward.
if it’s impossible for your husband to change his job you aren’t going to stop them from ever seeing each other.
You can insist that all private messages and communication stop and that he has no contact apart from work, but would you be happy with this.
It’s very possible that he does love you and literally only see her as a friend but I totally understand how hurtful this is to you and he has to realise that. The first step to prove that he does care for you and will put you first is to cancel the trip away.
I think you’ve been very wise in giving him this ultimatum.

I would definitely try and meet her - perhaps drop in to his work for a surprise lunch. I think it would feel you're taking control. At the moment she's the unknown and it's easy to fantasise what she's like. Maybe your fears would be assuaged. Worth a try.

This.

When the image shows up, it's NOT SENSITIVE. Honestly.🙄

I hope he comes to his senses and realises what he's about to lose OP. Here's some

I don't like this. There is a man in my job who tried not to have boundaries with me verbally. Recent sayings were: I want to give you flowers and chocolates for your birthday , which happens to be on Valentine's day, today , but has to be on another day, because ...- the man who does this will be in trouble, ended I

asked me did I ever cheated on my husband or him on me
If I ignore him, comes and asks me with puppy eyes am I ok

I would say something more than friendship is going on OP as he is prioritising this woman over you amd your feelings. Sorry OP, this would absolutely break me too.

forgot to add: trip away with 2 nights

She is not the unknown.
Op has met her and has observed their behaviour together.
The woman is aware OP is upset about her relationship with her H.

How IS he behaving to you? React to that, not to your fears.

You've done the right thing, OP. There's nothing to be gained by letting him set his moral compass to 'I can't help how I feel'.

Meanwhile, OP, what about YOU? Are you the same person you were when you married him? Have you kept up with your own interests? Now the DC are grown up, or nearly so, what are your plans for your own further self-development and future happiness. Just for a moment, separate yourself mentally from your DH and ask yourself the question: WHAT ABOUT ME? What interests do you have? How often do you go out meetings of like-minded people (e.g., choir; Art group; local history; community volunteering; exercise/dance; rambling; lone-traveller holidays; OU degree course - whatever catches your fancy). LIfe moves on. Whether or not your relationship with DH patches up or falls apart, you need to take some action about how you shape the rest of your life.

Hence my question.

Civil service employee here we have large mixed offices and often joke about our work family as we spend more time together than at home, some people do have a work husband/wife but it’s always platonic, just very good colleagues that become friends… but when we clock off you leave that in the office….

If he goes you can also do a divorce application that is basically joint so you don’t make a payment until he has done his part - he would get the email immediately

might scare the shit out of him

and ducks in a row before then

This is the only way to show him what he stands to lose. he's in a little bubble of cosiness with this woman, you need to burst his bubble.

Has he responded @Teaandbiscuits123456 ?

As long as you are prepared for an actual divorce, this sounds like a good idea

Yes, don't do or start anything you aren't prepared to follow through on, OP.