Page 14 | DH’s friendship with woman at work is killing our marriage

wrongthinker · 14/02/2026 17:14

I think you are doing the right things, OP. You've made it clear that you're not happy with their relationship and that it's threatening your marriage. He seems to have responded with the equivalent of a shrug.

If I were you, I'd be getting my ducks in a row. Even if he decides he wants his marriage more than he wants this other woman, would you want him now? Now that you've seen how he's prepared to betray you, over and over again, and to gaslight you, telling you it's not a problem that he is putting another woman first instead of you.

blueskies23 · 14/02/2026 17:23

Hang in there op. All you can do is clearly establish your boundaries, as you have done. Fundamentally, the most essential thing in any relationship is respect. He has decided to disrespect you, to undermine your valid feelings. That must sting like hell. Prioritising feelings is an action, an action that has negatively impacted on you. Be the centre of clarity, state the obvious and as intimidating as it is, clearly state your boundaries. Then he has a choice, if he doesn't choose you, he will still have to respect you. Be gentle with yourself, you'll get through this.

DotAndCarryOne2 · 14/02/2026 17:26

Dinnaeeatallthecheese · 14/02/2026 17:04

This thread isnt about you , way to go centering yourself, its about the Op and her marriage.

She has clearly stated this is troubling her and she feels upset

Private jokes , messaging at night and weekends and crucially he has made zero attempt to reassure her, just " this is how I feel" subtext " get over it"
Not attempts at self reflection,no attempt at repair or reassurance.
He has CHOSEN to go to a conference eith her .
If he cared about his wife, he would make her his priority, pull back and set some firm boundaries

He hasnt

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And this is the crux isn’t it ? If you’re married and find yourself having inappropriate feelings towards another person (which is basically what this ‘friendship’ is, if he’s honest) then if you truly love and respect your spouse you end the contact or distance yourself as much as possible, keeping work time strictly business with no unnecessary outside contact. Especially if you know your spouse is upset by it. Or, if you’re unable to do that, you leave. He’s not doing either, because like most men in this situation he wants to have his cake and eat it and he doesn’t give a flying one how OP feels as long as he gets what he wants.

OP says he shows no interest in spending time with her or in doing any of the things they used to do together. And yet he can volunteer for a two day work trip in a heartbeat as soon as he knows his ‘friend’ will be there. That would tell me all there was to know and the divorce papers would be waiting for him on his return.

Steeleydan · 14/02/2026 17:30

Teaandbiscuits123456 · 13/02/2026 20:49

DH and I have been together for over 20 years and have two dc all grown up now. DH has made a very good woman friend at work and although not an affair it is very cosy iykwim. Private jokes, DMs at all hours and weekends, breaks spent in each other’s company.
I told him how this made me feel anxious and upset and his response was that that’s just how it is and he can’t help feeling like he does but insists it is just friendship. That just about broke my heart and has made me question where I figure in his life. They’ve only known each other for 2 years.
Knowing all this I’m worried I’m starting to think I might be falling out of love with him almost as a way of self-preservation if that makes any sense?
All the time they are working together I’m not sure if we can get back what we had even though I wish we could. I just don’t know what to do.

Is she married? This isn't going to get any better iam.afraid, don't beg him to love you, get your financial affairs in order, and tell him to go to her,you're done.
But not before you have stern words with her about her zero morals

DotAndCarryOne2 · 14/02/2026 17:32

MikeRafone · 14/02/2026 13:15

I think its far better for the spouse to either admit he has a problem and work on it - or to leave and not make the other spouse fucking miserable and feeling so unloved for many years as he has either an emotional affair or a full blown affair. He needs stop stealing her tine and love if its no longer mutual, as that imo is cruel

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This. Absolutely.

DotAndCarryOne2 · 14/02/2026 17:37

wrongthinker · 14/02/2026 17:14

I think you are doing the right things, OP. You've made it clear that you're not happy with their relationship and that it's threatening your marriage. He seems to have responded with the equivalent of a shrug.

If I were you, I'd be getting my ducks in a row. Even if he decides he wants his marriage more than he wants this other woman, would you want him now? Now that you've seen how he's prepared to betray you, over and over again, and to gaslight you, telling you it's not a problem that he is putting another woman first instead of you.

This too. I don’t think l’d ever be able to get over the fact that even knowing how much l was hurting, his priority was still this woman.

MayAwayDay · 14/02/2026 17:39

Good for you op. He needs to have a long hard look at where his priorities lie. Sounds like he’s been trying to have his cake and eat it, but at the expense of your feelings.

Applecharlotte2 · 14/02/2026 17:44

DotAndCarryOne2 · 14/02/2026 17:26

And this is the crux isn’t it ? If you’re married and find yourself having inappropriate feelings towards another person (which is basically what this ‘friendship’ is, if he’s honest) then if you truly love and respect your spouse you end the contact or distance yourself as much as possible, keeping work time strictly business with no unnecessary outside contact. Especially if you know your spouse is upset by it. Or, if you’re unable to do that, you leave. He’s not doing either, because like most men in this situation he wants to have his cake and eat it and he doesn’t give a flying one how OP feels as long as he gets what he wants.

OP says he shows no interest in spending time with her or in doing any of the things they used to do together. And yet he can volunteer for a two day work trip in a heartbeat as soon as he knows his ‘friend’ will be there. That would tell me all there was to know and the divorce papers would be waiting for him on his return.

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Your both derailing the thread - please don’t keep on both and refocus on OP

Applecharlotte2 · 14/02/2026 17:46

Somebody up post said he has given you a metaphorical shrug

that is such a good metaphor

you played out how hard your finding and he said I can’t help my feelings and gave a shrug 🤷

you must be hurting so much sending hugs. 🤗

DotAndCarryOne2 · 14/02/2026 17:49

Applecharlotte2 · 14/02/2026 17:44

Your both derailing the thread - please don’t keep on both and refocus on OP

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Explain to me how l’m derailing the thread when my post was entirely on topic ?

Applecharlotte2 · 14/02/2026 17:51

DotAndCarryOne2 · 14/02/2026 17:49

Explain to me how l’m derailing the thread when my post was entirely on topic ?

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By arguing back and forth and quoting each and using up space - you written so much the pair of you and I didn’t read it but it does look like a difference of opinion your battling

I don’t think your argument back and forth is helping OP and not what she needs

to avoid starting going back and forth with me I won’t respond further

Poppy61 · 14/02/2026 17:58

Well done OP, this cannot have been easy. He knows how serious this is and cannot just disregard your feelings. He has a decision to make. I hope it is a decision, either way, that works well for you.

Adelle79360 · 14/02/2026 18:06

The fact that he’s not phoned you straight away upon reading your message absolutely frantic with worry that his marriage is on the verge of breaking down really does speak volumes…I’m so sorry you’re in this situation OP.

Woodfiresareamazing · 14/02/2026 18:10

GertieLawrence · 14/02/2026 15:08

I feel for you OP. I worked with my now exH and at one point he was such good “friends” with a woman in the office that people were awkwardly telling me they thought Something Might Be Going On… At lunch time I would wander miserably on my own watching them laughing together up ahead as they went off to have lunch. I told him I was hurting and humiliated and he stubbornly insisted he could be friends with who he liked. Such a good friend he got her pregnant ha.

Anyway, I’m way better off without him and many years later she has now divorced him too.

You’re in pain right now, bewildered, hurt, feeling helpless, all the horrible things. Do what you can to take back control and you’ll be better in the long run, even if the short term family upset feels insurmountable.

God, it really does happen so many times!!
I'm actually quite shocked...

I'm glad you're happy now 🙂

Xmasxrackers · 14/02/2026 18:15

Teaandbiscuits123456 · 14/02/2026 13:13

Thank you so very much everything for taking the time to comment and share experiences.
Had a good long think last night. He was at work this morning and I’ve texted that if he goes to this conference at the end the month with her then he should stay somewhere else for a while when he comes back. He hasn’t responded yet but he has read it.

Let us know if he replies OP, thinking of you today of all days x

SaltyCara · 14/02/2026 18:17

Teaandbiscuits123456 · 14/02/2026 13:13

Thank you so very much everything for taking the time to comment and share experiences.
Had a good long think last night. He was at work this morning and I’ve texted that if he goes to this conference at the end the month with her then he should stay somewhere else for a while when he comes back. He hasn’t responded yet but he has read it.

You've done the right thing. I was going to suggest you say something to him like, "Alan, I'm not prepared to be the second most important woman in my husband's life. Claire gets a totally different version of you to the version that I get; whenever I suggest we do anything together like go out to the theatre you couldn't give two hoots but I'll bet if she suggested it you'd be off like a shot. You seem to expect me to sit here at home waiting for you while you're off having lots of fun with another woman. I'm not going to do that. I don't want to be married to a man who behaves like that. I'd like you to move out so we can both have some space and think about what we want. I know that I don't want to be married to you if this is what that means."

Have you read Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass? Lots of men seem to struggle to recognise that they're engaging in affairs when the affairs are "just" emotional, then they seem completely surprised when the decisions and choices they make turn the affair physical.

DotAndCarryOne2 · 14/02/2026 18:24

Applecharlotte2 · 14/02/2026 17:51

By arguing back and forth and quoting each and using up space - you written so much the pair of you and I didn’t read it but it does look like a difference of opinion your battling

I don’t think your argument back and forth is helping OP and not what she needs

to avoid starting going back and forth with me I won’t respond further

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That’s a shame, because if you had read the posts properly you’d find that l responded to @Dinnaeeatallthecheese precisely twice. Not arguing, not battling, and not continuously going back and forth. Two posts, both entirely in agreement with each other, supporting the OP, entirely on topic and within context.

Next time you jump in with such a rude and condescending attitude, at least make sure you know what you’re talking about and that you understand what derailing is, because this is not it.

worldshottestmom · 14/02/2026 18:27

Supporting2026 · 14/02/2026 16:09

To cover the three posts off that decided to insult me - I am not usually thought of as even close to any of "dim", "naive", "very young, lacking emotionally, trolling, [or her husband :)]". I am it seems one of the only people on this thread who hasn't lost their husband to exactly this sort of scenario (I don't have a husband) - so from my point of view I feel like I may have a less emotional perspective here. I've had loads of male friends at work as i work in an industry which is 95% men - not one was even the tiniest bit inappropriate / going anywhere inappropriate and when I've met their wives we almost always got on super well - but I did to some degree have private jokes with them, hang out with them on breaks / work trips and even (occasionally - not often to be fair) message them outside traditional work hours (this is a bit hard to really compare as its the sort of industry where all hours are work hours). When you spend a lot of time at work it is normal to develop quite close friendships precisely because you do spend so much time together - that makes him human, not a cheat. Sure - it may be that this is some guy hiding his massive affair as a friendship - but nothing OP has detailed specifically demonstrates that and I would think before blowing up a long and happy marriage she should probably make sure she isn't catastrophising here. The whole "he is picking me over her" narrative isn't explained by anything he's actually done or said (at least she hasn't described them - she's only described her feeling that way). This last piece where he happens to be going to a work conference he wasn't forced to attend doesn't seem like it has much to do with the work colleague, nevermind the sort of thing you blow a 20 year marriage up over.

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😬

You have got to be joking, right?

Can't recall the amount of times I have insisted on going on conference trips to get some alone time with a man who is not my husband, that I text and spend time with constantly, all the while dismissing my husbands feelings who i have barely spent any time with since meeting my new boyfrien- sorry, friend. Totally normal, guys!

IcantFeelMyFaceNow · 14/02/2026 18:28

MrsLizzieDarcy · 14/02/2026 09:36

Given he's going away with her for a "conference" OP, I think it's a perfect opportunity to say to him that if he goes, he will come back to divorce papers.

See who he chooses, but you have to risk that it won't be you...

100% this. The writing is very clearly on the wall now.

I would divorce him for being a walking fucking cliche'

OVienna · 14/02/2026 18:29

Teaandbiscuits123456 · 14/02/2026 13:13

Thank you so very much everything for taking the time to comment and share experiences.
Had a good long think last night. He was at work this morning and I’ve texted that if he goes to this conference at the end the month with her then he should stay somewhere else for a while when he comes back. He hasn’t responded yet but he has read it.

Telling him : " Your 'friendship' and behaviour has given me the total ick" may actially be the wake-up call he needs. Don't stroke his ego, let him kniw how unattractive he's being. If I were really feeling spiteful I'd be wishing him luck with his "blended family" and parenting youngsters again.

worldshottestmom · 14/02/2026 18:30

Would honestly question if there even is a "conference trip". The ole' "going on a business trip" to have a secret affair excuse. Pathetic.

Meteorite87 · 14/02/2026 18:31

Teaandbiscuits123456 · 14/02/2026 13:13

Thank you so very much everything for taking the time to comment and share experiences.
Had a good long think last night. He was at work this morning and I’ve texted that if he goes to this conference at the end the month with her then he should stay somewhere else for a while when he comes back. He hasn’t responded yet but he has read it.

Please put yourself first because your
(so-called!) husband will not.

DotAndCarryOne2 · 14/02/2026 18:37

worldshottestmom · 14/02/2026 18:30

Would honestly question if there even is a "conference trip". The ole' "going on a business trip" to have a secret affair excuse. Pathetic.

I hadn’t thought of that. Would be good if OP could find a way to check without giving herself away.

HK04 · 14/02/2026 18:38

How’s it going OP? That was a brave text (as you know he might go anyways) but thinking of you. Rubbish situation.

worldshottestmom · 14/02/2026 18:45

DotAndCarryOne2 · 14/02/2026 18:37

I hadn’t thought of that. Would be good if OP could find a way to check without giving herself away.

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Really hope she has thought to do this, if she can, for her own sake! Would have his stuff tossed in the trash by the time he gets back if so.