Page 13 | DH’s friendship with woman at work is killing our marriage

WhereYouLeftIt · 14/02/2026 14:54

Supporting2026 · 14/02/2026 14:51

I'm really confused - what exactly have they done beyond get on together? Why is it so upsetting? When he said "that's just how it is" isn't he talking about how his friendship is just a normal friendship - did you actually make any "reasonable" request e.g. keep the messages to work times only or did you just tell him you were anxious and upset. What was he supposed to do? I don't see how he is prioritising her over you or even comparing - he might just not like the way you are behaving about an innocent friendship?

You're either very young, lacking emotionally, trolling, or her husband.

Marieb19 · 14/02/2026 15:00

I'm afraid your husband is having an affair, be it emotionally or sexually. He has also chosen her over you, perhaps because he doesn't think he will lose you. I think it's time for you to work out what you want and start planning how you are going to look after your interests if the relationship ends. It would be interesting to know what this woman's husband thinks and if she has any intention of leaving him? This could be a bit of flirtation and ego boost for her but she may not really want to take it further. However, the damage has been done, as your husband has prioritised his relationship with this woman over the one he had with you. Really sorry you are going through this. It is unreasonable shitty behaviour.

myfriendsellshouses · 14/02/2026 15:03

Well done OP. His reaction will tell you all you need to know, and you may choose to ask him to leave before then.

The person that a man is constantly texting and spending time with, is the one he wants to be with. He is putting her feelings before yours and that really does say it all. Good luck

Frugalgal · 14/02/2026 15:03

Supporting2026 · 14/02/2026 14:51

I'm really confused - what exactly have they done beyond get on together? Why is it so upsetting? When he said "that's just how it is" isn't he talking about how his friendship is just a normal friendship - did you actually make any "reasonable" request e.g. keep the messages to work times only or did you just tell him you were anxious and upset. What was he supposed to do? I don't see how he is prioritising her over you or even comparing - he might just not like the way you are behaving about an innocent friendship?

Are you really that naive??

BatchCookBabe · 14/02/2026 15:07

His behaviour is disgusting @Teaandbiscuits123456 and he deserves to lose you. Do not stay. You deserve better. He does not love you

Never Alan from payroll is it? Always a woman, always young-ish, and always attractive. I am assuming she is attractive, but I bet I'm right.

GertieLawrence · 14/02/2026 15:08

I feel for you OP. I worked with my now exH and at one point he was such good “friends” with a woman in the office that people were awkwardly telling me they thought Something Might Be Going On… At lunch time I would wander miserably on my own watching them laughing together up ahead as they went off to have lunch. I told him I was hurting and humiliated and he stubbornly insisted he could be friends with who he liked. Such a good friend he got her pregnant ha.

Anyway, I’m way better off without him and many years later she has now divorced him too.

You’re in pain right now, bewildered, hurt, feeling helpless, all the horrible things. Do what you can to take back control and you’ll be better in the long run, even if the short term family upset feels insurmountable.

TheHillIsMine · 14/02/2026 15:18

No doubt she'll need to comfort him some more snd they'll take your message as a justification for having sex.

worldshottestmom · 14/02/2026 15:26

WhereYouLeftIt · 14/02/2026 14:54

You're either very young, lacking emotionally, trolling, or her husband.

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Im gonna go with shes just really dim

Boboobear · 14/02/2026 15:30

This happened to me a few years ago, only it wasnt a work colleague it was the local bar maid. The gaslighting was on another level and he had me believing it was all in my head until I had proof and told him to leave. They spent over 2 years together but once their dirty little secret was out, it was no longer fun for them. Some men are pigs and are happy to have ‘the little wife’ at home while he continues with his indiscretions. Don’t be that person OP. Get yourself out of that relationship, you deserve better! Unfortunately I still have contact with him because we have children together but it gives me some comfort that he now regrets it and is drifting from woman to woman searching for what he had in the first place!

Firefly100 · 14/02/2026 15:33

TheBestThingthatAlmostHappened · 14/02/2026 13:09

So it's OK to stand up in front of all your family and friends and say "'til death do us part" and then walk away the moment you start feeling it's even slightly difficult? Or did you change your vows to say, "Until the spark starts to fade a bit and you realise your connection has drifted a bit, then I'll just give up instantly."

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What about the ‘to love and to cherish’ bit? Did op’s husband mumble that bit? It takes 2 to make a marriage work and you can’t cherry pick the bits you like when it is convenient. It all counts.

Starthecar · 14/02/2026 15:33

I don't know if anyone else thinks you're being unreasonable or not, but I don't think you are.
From what you describe I can't imagine if it was a male friend that he would be spending as much time messaging at late hours and on weekends, spending time with them on work breaks, having insider private jokes, bring described as having a cosy relationship etc...

I would address this quite firmly.
Why should you be made to feel anxious and unhappy to the point where you feel you're falling out of love with your DH?

If it were me I would feel there is definitely something going on that shouldn't be, and there's no way I would put up with it.

hihelenhi · 14/02/2026 15:34

budster08 · 14/02/2026 14:23

Op has not mentioned seeing them together, ''seen the vibe' or that she hangs off his every word! I must be reading the wrong post!!!

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Yes, she has. RTFT.

Good luck, OP. You've done the right thing with that message, but my stomach is in absolute knots for you, gotta say. Sending hugs and probably a stiff drink. Still, quite rightly it seems like you're mentally preparing for the worst and yes, you deserve a LOT better than his behaviour.

"I can't help how I feel" my arse. Well, as he's about to find out, neither can you. Behaviour has consequences. And I hope he is really going to end up feeling those.

MCF86 · 14/02/2026 15:44

Teaandbiscuits123456 · 14/02/2026 13:13

Thank you so very much everything for taking the time to comment and share experiences.
Had a good long think last night. He was at work this morning and I’ve texted that if he goes to this conference at the end the month with her then he should stay somewhere else for a while when he comes back. He hasn’t responded yet but he has read it.

Good for you OP!

I am usually very defensive of mixed sex friendships - I've had relationships end before they really started because of jealousy around my male best friend. But my friend has been in my life since we were children, he was there first. (I only mention that because maybe my perspective is different to people who don't believe straight men and women can just be friends.)

But a new friend being chosen over a spouse? That's not "just how it is" or whatever it was he said. I've also never had a friend that my relationship with was as intense as you describe either. He is trying to convince himself as well as you that he's doing nothing wrong, but I don't think anyone would be ok with this!
I hope your message makes him think carefully about what he's doing here.

MikeRafone · 14/02/2026 15:47

TheBestThingthatAlmostHappened · 14/02/2026 13:17

Yes, which is why I said he should not have got into an emotional affair and instead reduce contact when feelings started to develop and work on why that's happened. If you feel yourself fall out of love in a marriage, the right thing to do is try to find it again, not walk off.

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We can't control the actions of others, we can only control how we react to their actions.

Sadly many spouses will not back away from an emotional affair or an affair, which will be a very messy end to a marriage. Only the spouse who has had their head turned will know whether they will stop or not - far better to leave if they know they will not stop

allthingsinmoderation · 14/02/2026 16:06

Teaandbiscuits123456 · 13/02/2026 20:49

DH and I have been together for over 20 years and have two dc all grown up now. DH has made a very good woman friend at work and although not an affair it is very cosy iykwim. Private jokes, DMs at all hours and weekends, breaks spent in each other’s company.
I told him how this made me feel anxious and upset and his response was that that’s just how it is and he can’t help feeling like he does but insists it is just friendship. That just about broke my heart and has made me question where I figure in his life. They’ve only known each other for 2 years.
Knowing all this I’m worried I’m starting to think I might be falling out of love with him almost as a way of self-preservation if that makes any sense?
All the time they are working together I’m not sure if we can get back what we had even though I wish we could. I just don’t know what to do.

Im so sorry that must be tough.
I think the bottom line is your DH of 20 yrs doesn't care about your feelings (obvious by his response)
Honestly if your gut is telling you your DH is emotionally attached to his female work friend and its troubling you and making you feel bad there is probably reason to be concerned.
If it were me,as painful as it may be and regardless of the outcome,id tell him his closeness to this woman is not compatible with marriage to you.
Honestly i think he may be in at best an emotional affair. He could be gearing up for or wanting more or it could be already an affair.
I would also do some due diligence on them.....

Supporting2026 · 14/02/2026 16:09

worldshottestmom · 14/02/2026 15:26

Im gonna go with shes just really dim

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To cover the three posts off that decided to insult me - I am not usually thought of as even close to any of "dim", "naive", "very young, lacking emotionally, trolling, [or her husband :)]". I am it seems one of the only people on this thread who hasn't lost their husband to exactly this sort of scenario (I don't have a husband) - so from my point of view I feel like I may have a less emotional perspective here. I've had loads of male friends at work as i work in an industry which is 95% men - not one was even the tiniest bit inappropriate / going anywhere inappropriate and when I've met their wives we almost always got on super well - but I did to some degree have private jokes with them, hang out with them on breaks / work trips and even (occasionally - not often to be fair) message them outside traditional work hours (this is a bit hard to really compare as its the sort of industry where all hours are work hours). When you spend a lot of time at work it is normal to develop quite close friendships precisely because you do spend so much time together - that makes him human, not a cheat. Sure - it may be that this is some guy hiding his massive affair as a friendship - but nothing OP has detailed specifically demonstrates that and I would think before blowing up a long and happy marriage she should probably make sure she isn't catastrophising here. The whole "he is picking me over her" narrative isn't explained by anything he's actually done or said (at least she hasn't described them - she's only described her feeling that way). This last piece where he happens to be going to a work conference he wasn't forced to attend doesn't seem like it has much to do with the work colleague, nevermind the sort of thing you blow a 20 year marriage up over.

hypnovic · 14/02/2026 16:10

Oh no this doesn't sound good. Has he responded to your text yet?

TheHouseElf · 14/02/2026 16:20

Ultimatum was the right call OP - however, you deserve better than this, and should be reassessing staying in this marriage altogether. No one who loves you would have put you in this position in the first place.

TikTokker · 14/02/2026 16:25

I’m sorry OP. I agree with you making the decision

TheThingOnTheIce · 14/02/2026 16:36

Good on you for being brave op
i don’t plan on ever getting into a relationship again and glad it means I wont have to make these gut wrenching ultimatums and decisions again . He’s your husband and he shouldn’t be putting you in this position

BanditTheCat · 14/02/2026 16:39

Sorry to hear this OP. When husbands suddenly have a special new friend at work they spend all their spare time with, texting out of hours etc, it’s never Colin from Accounts, is it. I’d remind him of that, and how it would look to him, if it were the other way around.

I’d try and have a really thorough conversation about things and keep the lines of communication open, and if nothing changes / you don’t feel listened to, start to disengage, quietly quit, start putting yourself first.

DotAndCarryOne2 · 14/02/2026 16:42

moderate · 14/02/2026 12:45

Playing devil’s advocate here, is “I can’t help how I feel” a phrase you’ve ever used to him, e.g. to explain a reduction in sexual appetite?

This is how men think.

Dinnaeeatallthecheese · 14/02/2026 17:04

Supporting2026 · 14/02/2026 16:09

To cover the three posts off that decided to insult me - I am not usually thought of as even close to any of "dim", "naive", "very young, lacking emotionally, trolling, [or her husband :)]". I am it seems one of the only people on this thread who hasn't lost their husband to exactly this sort of scenario (I don't have a husband) - so from my point of view I feel like I may have a less emotional perspective here. I've had loads of male friends at work as i work in an industry which is 95% men - not one was even the tiniest bit inappropriate / going anywhere inappropriate and when I've met their wives we almost always got on super well - but I did to some degree have private jokes with them, hang out with them on breaks / work trips and even (occasionally - not often to be fair) message them outside traditional work hours (this is a bit hard to really compare as its the sort of industry where all hours are work hours). When you spend a lot of time at work it is normal to develop quite close friendships precisely because you do spend so much time together - that makes him human, not a cheat. Sure - it may be that this is some guy hiding his massive affair as a friendship - but nothing OP has detailed specifically demonstrates that and I would think before blowing up a long and happy marriage she should probably make sure she isn't catastrophising here. The whole "he is picking me over her" narrative isn't explained by anything he's actually done or said (at least she hasn't described them - she's only described her feeling that way). This last piece where he happens to be going to a work conference he wasn't forced to attend doesn't seem like it has much to do with the work colleague, nevermind the sort of thing you blow a 20 year marriage up over.

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This thread isnt about you , way to go centering yourself, its about the Op and her marriage.

She has clearly stated this is troubling her and she feels upset

Private jokes , messaging at night and weekends and crucially he has made zero attempt to reassure her, just " this is how I feel" subtext " get over it"
Not attempts at self reflection,no attempt at repair or reassurance.
He has CHOSEN to go to a conference eith her .
If he cared about his wife, he would make her his priority, pull back and set some firm boundaries

He hasnt

BatchCookBabe · 14/02/2026 17:07

WhereYouLeftIt · 14/02/2026 14:54

You're either very young, lacking emotionally, trolling, or her husband.

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100% this. ^

DotAndCarryOne2 · 14/02/2026 17:09

Supporting2026 · 14/02/2026 16:09

To cover the three posts off that decided to insult me - I am not usually thought of as even close to any of "dim", "naive", "very young, lacking emotionally, trolling, [or her husband :)]". I am it seems one of the only people on this thread who hasn't lost their husband to exactly this sort of scenario (I don't have a husband) - so from my point of view I feel like I may have a less emotional perspective here. I've had loads of male friends at work as i work in an industry which is 95% men - not one was even the tiniest bit inappropriate / going anywhere inappropriate and when I've met their wives we almost always got on super well - but I did to some degree have private jokes with them, hang out with them on breaks / work trips and even (occasionally - not often to be fair) message them outside traditional work hours (this is a bit hard to really compare as its the sort of industry where all hours are work hours). When you spend a lot of time at work it is normal to develop quite close friendships precisely because you do spend so much time together - that makes him human, not a cheat. Sure - it may be that this is some guy hiding his massive affair as a friendship - but nothing OP has detailed specifically demonstrates that and I would think before blowing up a long and happy marriage she should probably make sure she isn't catastrophising here. The whole "he is picking me over her" narrative isn't explained by anything he's actually done or said (at least she hasn't described them - she's only described her feeling that way). This last piece where he happens to be going to a work conference he wasn't forced to attend doesn't seem like it has much to do with the work colleague, nevermind the sort of thing you blow a 20 year marriage up over.

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So he’s been married to OP for twenty years and this friendship has developed over the last two years. To the point where he’s dismissed her concerns about the situation by saying that he can’t help his feelings, has no intention of ending the friendship and ‘that’s just how it is’. They are messaging constantly and l think you know by OP’s posts that it’s not remotely work connected. It’s intrusive and rude.

And now, despite knowing how much he’s hurting OP with this behaviour, he’s volunteered for a two day work trip he didn’t have to attend, for no other reason than that this woman is going on it. OP says he shows no interest in spending time with her, or doing any of the things they used to do together, and by this one action he’s confirmed her suspicions as to why that is.

He’s prioritising this ‘friend’ over his marriage and ignoring the fact that he’s hurting his wife in the process. He doesn’t ’happen to be going to a work conference’ he volunteered for it because his ‘friend’ is going. You really can’t see any red flags here ? Because from where l, and the majority of posters sit, they are waving everywhere.