DH’s friendship with woman at work is killing our marriage

[Teaandbiscuits123456]

DH and I have been together for over 20 years and have two dc all grown up now. DH has made a very good woman friend at work and although not an affair it is very cosy iykwim. Private jokes, DMs at all hours and weekends, breaks spent in each other’s company.
I told him how this made me feel anxious and upset and his response was that that’s just how it is and he can’t help feeling like he does but insists it is just friendship. That just about broke my heart and has made me question where I figure in his life. They’ve only known each other for 2 years.
Knowing all this I’m worried I’m starting to think I might be falling out of love with him almost as a way of self-preservation if that makes any sense?
All the time they are working together I’m not sure if we can get back what we had even though I wish we could. I just don’t know what to do.

I imagine that was tough to write, and is tough waiting for the response. He’s probably slightly surprised by your decisive action as well.

Sending hugs to you. Not an easy time for you.

I’m always amazed at the number of MNers who object to asking questions.

I wonder sometimes if those who recommend marriage counselling even know what it is.

Ducks in a row, ducks in a row -famous MN saying.
You need to speak to a solicitor, check up on your finances eg can you afford the house without his input? Whose name are savings in?
On the unlikely event that he sails off into the sunset with her you need to get your finances tightened up,

Try this
www.mumsnet.com/talk/special_educational_needs

Reading the rest of thread I've changed my view a bit. Having a good female friend is always going to be awkward when a man is in a relationship, but it's different if the relationship is strong and he's not already kinda checking out.

On the flipside, I used to go and stay over at my male friend's house and sleep on his sofabed downstairs. It didn't seem weird because we'd shared a house for several years previously. Just meant we could go for some food and drinks and not worry about driving. But would've felt weird when with my partner to be staying at another man's house. Thankfully, my friend moved away for a job so this issue never arose.

But I've always thought there's no difference between staying at a friend's house regardless of their sex so long as its genuinely no more than a friendship. But in reality/practical terms it is of course a different dynamic if you're in a relationship. The only explanation I can think of is that people never really trust their partners in this situation which isn't great but is reality. Some people would say it's disrespectful but why if it's just a friendship and gender is irrelevant?

The truth is that few people really trust their partners in this situation so it's considered disrespectful to put them through that. It's a perspective based on cynicism but ultimately a realistic and logical one.

I’m so sorry you’re in this awful
position. Your dh is a pathetic cowardly cliche and you deserve better.
all I can say is that my marriage of 28 years ended when my ex-dh came home and took his things whilst I was out. It had been obvious really it was over but I clung on like a ,fool. I wish I’d ended it on my terms. So that would be my advice to you. Take control.
not just the work trip, the constant messaging, etc. it stops, or it’s over.
or even better, just end it on your terms. In the long run you’ll thank yourself.
you can do this.

Just wondering if it’s a bit existential- a mid-life crisis, realising he’s getting older etc? If you talked to him about this angle he might be able to realise he’s being silly to act this way.
You can also tell him that infinite numbers of men have taken this path and have lost what they built until they took this choice- sitting old and lonely at the pub, not being remembered by anyone, except some bitter kids who don’t see them much.

You should (pretend to) make a really close male friend at your work. Be on your phone all the time "texting" said friend. Laughing and smiling at your phone. Tell your DH how wonderful he is and how happy he makes you. You guessed it, when he complains, you respond "I cant help my feelings, its just the way it is now".

Honestly think divorce is inevitable, if he is showing this much a flagrant disregard for your feelings now, then it won't change. This is truly how he feels; that its ok to dismiss your feelings cos who cares! His are more important. He's found a wonderful new """friendship""" 🫠 with someone and youre just an obstacle in the way. He might as well be having an affair if this is how he's going to behave.

So sorry you're going through this OP, no-one should have to experience such emotional negligence from their SO. sending love ❤️

You need to start your own thread.

if you do a search for waterproof bed covers, there’s lots of companies that supply them.

I'll bet the female friend is single. Often that's the case on here. A guy thinking it's just friendship and trying to be nice, but when the wife sees the texts she immediately sees the other woman's game.

I think the Op said the work colleague is married with young children.

Sorry wrong thread. There are waterproof covers for mattresses of all sizes, plus there are waterproof covers for duvets. Look on Amazon.

Yes that is odd (wrong) but that’s not what the poster said

But they have met. OPs just not involved in the friendship which is normal and ok for some

Get all your paperwork together.
Sadly your marriage is already over.

Her having young children is likely the sticking point at the minute.

Get in front of this.

Get copies of all paperwork, banking, deeds, pension stuff together.
Get it safe.
Start looking around for recommendations for a good solicitor.

He may well bullshit you because the timing isn't right and he is in a holding position, but when that changes, he will be gone.

Be very very clear in your language to him, yourself and your family.

The marriage is ending because of HIS affair with a colleague at work.

Don't be moved from that narrative.
Stick rigidly to it.

When my friends sister was advised to do this, when they separated and he tried to then introduce her as a "new relationship" to everyone, after denying for a year that they were only friends, his family and friends turned on him hugely.

He is no doubt waying up his options and best move now.
He may be thinking he will actually be better to forego the conference as the timing isn't right.

Be very careful.
In his head he is likely long gone.

I'm so sorry, but better to be aware.

You already know what the situation is. Your gut has told you. You need to end it on your own terms or he will, probably after months of lies and shagging behind your back.
Just tell him it's over, you deserve better and he's welcome to her.

Op has not mentioned seeing them together, ''seen the vibe' or that she hangs off his every word! I must be reading the wrong post!!!

You’ve not read all the ops posts.

You can see all the OP’s posts by going to the bottom of her original post and clicking “See All”.

The ultimatum over the conference is the right call. He's being outrageous.

What a foolish man. He likes the way it feels to have a woman hanging on his every word. He's probably reached an age where he's realizing that he's no longer a young man and he's getting validation of his masculinity from attention from another woman. This woman will remind him of his younger days before responsibility and maturity.

Frankly, he needs to grow up. I think what the OP has messaged is the most sensible option although I fear that this may not be enough to make him feel the potential consequences of his schoolboy behaviour.

@Teaandbiscuits123456 you may need to fight your corner for some time. The danger then is that the longer you fight the more you lose respect for the man you thought you were married to.

Well done on the message, OP. I really hope it helps him see sense!

I'm really confused - what exactly have they done beyond get on together? Why is it so upsetting? When he said "that's just how it is" isn't he talking about how his friendship is just a normal friendship - did you actually make any "reasonable" request e.g. keep the messages to work times only or did you just tell him you were anxious and upset. What was he supposed to do? I don't see how he is prioritising her over you or even comparing - he might just not like the way you are behaving about an innocent friendship?

Is he really at work on Valentine's Day op?