DH’s friendship with woman at work is killing our marriage

[Teaandbiscuits123456]

DH and I have been together for over 20 years and have two dc all grown up now. DH has made a very good woman friend at work and although not an affair it is very cosy iykwim. Private jokes, DMs at all hours and weekends, breaks spent in each other’s company.
I told him how this made me feel anxious and upset and his response was that that’s just how it is and he can’t help feeling like he does but insists it is just friendship. That just about broke my heart and has made me question where I figure in his life. They’ve only known each other for 2 years.
Knowing all this I’m worried I’m starting to think I might be falling out of love with him almost as a way of self-preservation if that makes any sense?
All the time they are working together I’m not sure if we can get back what we had even though I wish we could. I just don’t know what to do.

@Teaandbiscuits123456 He doesn't love you. He loves the convenience of being in the marriage. He has financial advantages, an image of a family, a clean home, and the time and freedom to do communicate with his "BBF" without being inconvenienced with such plebian annoyances like cooking, cleaning and laundry. You are convenient - until you're not.

How do you honestly feel about a life without him in it? Do you think this is something you could do?

So it's OK to stand up in front of all your family and friends and say "'til death do us part" and then walk away the moment you start feeling it's even slightly difficult? Or did you change your vows to say, "Until the spark starts to fade a bit and you realise your connection has drifted a bit, then I'll just give up instantly."

Thank you so very much everything for taking the time to comment and share experiences.
Had a good long think last night. He was at work this morning and I’ve texted that if he goes to this conference at the end the month with her then he should stay somewhere else for a while when he comes back. He hasn’t responded yet but he has read it.

I think its far better for the spouse to either admit he has a problem and work on it - or to leave and not make the other spouse fucking miserable and feeling so unloved for many years as he has either an emotional affair or a full blown affair. He needs stop stealing her tine and love if its no longer mutual, as that imo is cruel

Yes, which is why I said he should not have got into an emotional affair and instead reduce contact when feelings started to develop and work on why that's happened. If you feel yourself fall out of love in a marriage, the right thing to do is try to find it again, not walk off.

Absolutely this
He needs to take responsibility not have his bloody cake and eat it.

OP I admire you taking control. His response will "say it all"
Wishing you all the best.

Good.

It's a shitty thing to do, but there is no law against shitty behaviour.

If the only two options available are the husband being honest or stringing his wife along as home life becomes more and more difficult and the wife becomes more and more miserable and wonders what she is doing wrong, the first option is better.

Feel sorry for you here, you are neglected
Just a suggestion please feel free to ignore it- why not get out and about and join some group or social thing where you meet lots of nice people including men.
I am suggesting this because

• You are currently constantly available to your DH it will not do him any harm to have some competition for your attention
• If you do split the wider social circle will be comforting
• I suspect he will be outrage if you have friendships with men (ok for him but not I suspect for you)

I didn't say it was illegal, but I will say he's a shitty husband for saying he can't help it, a shitty husband for letting it get this far, and will also be a shitty husband when/if he leaves. Whether he's an even shittier husband if he stays is irrelevant- he's already trash.

The thing is, he doesnt care
If he cared about it and being a decent loving husband he wouldnt be doing this in the first place
He only cares about himself and The Script is always that he did this because she was not a loving, appreciative, sexy wife.
" look what you made me do"
They NEVER ever show accountability or concern,just twist the narrative that its their wifes fault.

They never ever doubt themselves and their behaviour, never
Narcissitic entitled behaviour and the victim of their awful wives 🙄

I think this is the main thing to keep hold of.
He has disregarded you and developed a close 'friendship' with another woman, and when you express that it makes you feel shit and vulnerable and that you want it to end, he has told you that he values that friendship above you and your feelings.
Unless it's part of a pattern of you not wanting him to have friends, then I'd take that as very clear statement of his priorities.

Your husband is a massive disappointment isn't he. He has turned into as much of a cliché as any of them.

I'm not surprised that it has made you start checking out emotionally.
At this stage in my life i think I'd walk away too. Fuck that.

I think unfortunetly she makes him feel alive! Probably because he knows, his feeling for her are unexceptable.

The fact he hasn’t responded to your msg also shows there is a lack of care/consideration.
If I had msg’d my DH to advise him we would be essentially separating if he went to the conference, he would be straight on the phone regardless of being at work, or if they really aren’t allowed to make calls he would be replying to say he had sent the email withdrawing from the conference and that we would sit down and have a long chat when he got home.
I don’t honestly understand the mindset of getting that msg and ignoring it…

I’m sorry OP - I think you’ve done the right thing. You cannot stay in a relationship with a man who prioritises another woman over you.

I just came on here to suggest exactly this. In your shoes I would be very clear that if he goes, your marriage is over.

I think you've done the right thing sending that text. How he responds will tell you everything you need to know about the future of your marriage. I hope for your sake he comes to his senses but if he doesn't, you will get through this.

@Teaandbiscuits123456 Well done, that was exactly the right move. Restrained but to the point and will get the message home.

Did she stay with him after that?

Great I got my stupid husband back! that will teach him

Well done OP. That took some guts. Hopefully that'll make him think. He can't keep putting you second just because he thinks its all safe with you.
At the least he should've stop texting her out if work hours when you said you weren't happy about it. They're both enjoying the attention. It may not have escalated yet.
Hopefully he'll give his head a wobble and realise what he's risking. In the meantime you get to decide whether you still want him.

This is what would worry me about this situation.

In my opnion, there's nothing wrong with a man/woman being friends. It's not the chat that is a red flag. People who are friendly will have in-jokes etc. Even in a bigger group. It's part of what makes them gel. Often it makes no sense to people outside the group. In happen in all women friendships, all men friendships and mixed.

But putting that friend before your partner is the issue. In your case, It really sounds as though he's emotionally moved on already.

This would be a problem, even if it's a man with his man friends. Out at sport all the time, in the pub, gaming - whatever it is, if he's prioritising time with his friends and making no time for his partner.

Some men just prioritse what they want all the time and don't think about others around them and that's unacceptable.

He's not making any time for you at all. That's not the sign of someone who has a female friend. It's the sign of someone who is emotionally involved with someone else - a bit obsessed even. And I absolutely would not put up with it.

What does blame have to do with it?

Standard Mumsnet advice is to bin a 20-year marriage at the first sign of problems. Personally I think it’s better to consider whether the storm can be weathered. OP hasn’t really told us anything about the course of their relationship; only what it was like in the very early days.

Is he an academic? This is in response to your comment at neither of them being able to get another job? If so, obviously academic affairs are not uncommon- people do similar things that is more than just their jobs. However, he just has to disengage from her......if he works in a lab that might be a bit harder but if not he should be able to do it.

If he says no that's on him. No friendship is worth ending a marriage over unless he is indeed in love with her. Sorry

I think that is an excellent move. It flags to him that you are seriously upset with his behaviour, and that he needs to think hard about your relationship.

I hope he responds to this maturely, but would expect him instead to agree to not go on the work trip, but then sulk and fume about it and continue to accuse you of being the unreasonable one.