Anyone else actually given up on trying to make friends?

[Iusedtoshopatsafeway]

I’m mid 40s

Never had great luck with friendships despite (at least IMHO) being chatty, caring, loyal, kind and a good friend.

A few years ago I made a new friend, really clicked and after a year or two I considered her to be a close friend. We communicated frequently (few times a week) but neither of us were demanding & we both respected we each have busy lives, jobs, kids etc. It felt really balanced.

Heard from her a bit less than usual over Christmas, but didn’t think too much of it, given that it was Christmas.

Few weeks ago she messaged to say she’s trying to use her phone less, so I might be hearing from her a bit less than usual.

We used to send voice-notes, so I sent one a couple of weeks back and she just responded with a short text (she always used to send voice notes). Not heard from her at all for ten days or so now.

I am going to contact her and check she’s ok, but in my heart I think she’s cooling off or backing out of the friendship and I’m feeling really sad.

I really thought I’d finally found someone I click with.

I honestly can’t face trying to make friends any more. Think I’ll just focus on DC, and make small talk with my neighbours & folk at the gym and that will have to do me.

(Please don’t tell me to “join a club”. Been there, done that. Got many t-shirts, but zero friends.)

Oh OP I totally get why you feel this way, read somewhere that friendships have never been as tricky as they are now due to social media for example. There is so much harassment that comes from having a mobile, and all those apps that anyone and everyone can be in contact at all times, from anywhere, and so I am wondering if your friend is telling you the truth that she is trying to use it less due to that? That she is perhaps feeling that it has taken over?

You could send one last message to say that you understand and that you are going to respect this cooling off, and then leave it at that. Loosing friendships is so hard, it is a breakup just more complicated perhaps as you start to question what you may have said or done, or not said or done. I am in a similar situation, but with my cousin, we have always been friends since we were little girls, so I understand you very well.

I have an identical situation so I feel for you

I’m in the same boat. Friend of 40 years is refusing to speak on the phone, text or sm unless it’s on her terms. So I no longer have a friend imho.

as for cutting back on phone though your friend may have a point. I only check my mobile about once a week for texts it’s just hidden at the bottom of my bag. I use my laptop for sm so once I’m away from the laptop the only way I’m contactable is a phone call to my landline, I kept it for this reason, by post or by knocking on my door. I’m estranged from my family and live hundreds of miles from them so there’s reasons I’m doing this to protect myself. Life is easier to cope with like that.

If your friend has been trying to simplify things like me just send her a text saying you understand and arrange to meet for a coffee at each others home or a cafe. Then get in a routine of you do that once a month, much nicer.

I won’t tell you to join a club because I wouldn’t, BUT have you considered volunteering? That’s what I did when I moved to a new area and I loved it, made new friends, led to a career change and now I’m all peopled out. I’m trying to downsize 😆

What’s happening with you now feels shit and you won’t be in the mood for it, but when you’re ready to get back in the saddle, have a little look. It worked for me.

I'm the same, may be an age/life stage thing?

I've had some cool social experiences but the cognitive load of maintaining or keeping 1-1 friendships is just too much.

I think its a life stage where everyone is quite wrapped up in their own lives and a bit selfish so "if you can't beat them, join them".

I'm not completely ruthless and cold hearted and still enjoy people. But essentially, if it doesn't pay off financially or preserve my energy/self-care I'm not emotionally investing in it.

So I have a few "spaces" I can be social in (hobbies) or if something comes up I might decide to go to it on the day.

I won't go out of my way to contact or plan or organise though.

If I'm honest I actually regret not being a bit more like this when I was younger. I spent lots of money going to weddings or parties or nights out or lunches with people where things fizzled out.

It was just to "maintain friendships", I never really enjoyed the events.

I'm actually happy with my own company, being frugal at home, solitary exercise, nice cooking. I enjoy small ad-hoc encounters.

Could have saved all that money, and compound interest would have meant it would have been a decent sum now. Plus all the emotional energy spent could have been used to run a side hustle and really do well professionally.

Hopefully I am a bit more sensible now and can enjoy the benefits at 60!

A solid friendship can have quiet patches, gaps, and moments where people pull back a bit. You might go a month without talking, but still know they’re there if you need them. There’s no need to label it or call things off—just let them be themselves and give the space they need.

I couldn't cope with someone who needed me to be in constant touch by phone or text as some people seem to demand of their friends on here, as I'm never going to be on my phone loads. Perhaps she still wants to be friends and meet up regularly but doesn't want to be messaging you all the time.

Thanks for all the responses, some interesting perspectives

I’m really hoping she’s just stepping back rather than ending things.

Totally understand the thing about always being “on” due to phones/apps these days. So maybe she just needs space.

She was very much the one who set the tone of the friendship though in terms of type & frequency of contact - so I definitely never felt I was harassing her!

Why not one last message saying you completely understand about the phone so let’s get some dates in to meet in person? There is a limit to how much friendship can be conducted by text/sm/whatsapp anyway

Contact a few times per week would be far too much for me, I'm very introverted though in fairness and a lot of people I know do like a lot of contact. I'm happy to catch up with someone two or three times per year. It's less waffle and more quality conversation

I think if you can give her the space she requesting your friendship may not break

i think normal for things to ebb and flow
and if your too intense or needy it might pressurise her off

i I think alot of times people have multiple friends and who they spend the most time with varies due to what’s going on in life etc
sometimes you might kinda lose contact a bit with someone then months even years later your close again

so I’d say try n keep her mother her some space and tyy try and build some other friends too so you not too reliant on that one

I think sometimes this can be a blessing in disguise.

Something is off either with her or the relationship but either way you need to focus elsewhere.

I have definitely changed how I participate in friendships over the years. I’m now looking for fun and good energy from them because like everyone else life has thrown some curveballs my way and before friendships were far too demanding so I’ve pulled way back in those types of relationships and left those people to find people better suited to what they need.

Ironically I would say I’m finding my friendships and relationships far more rewarding now than before too. Could you consider changing your expectations and how you show up in the dynamics in your friendships?

Exactly. There have been times where, for my own reasons, I’ve backed off from a friendship or friendship, but it resumed just as strongly. Good friendships can cope with fallow periods. It’s not all or nothing.

It is hard op. Met a nice girl through our school reunion. We both 50s. She brought lovely flowers. I thought great we keep it going. I was ghosted last year. Its def made me cautious not to make new friends now. I just feel people are flaky and too busy.

Hopefully it’s literally just as she says - she wants space from her phone for a bit. I’m feeling like that as well atm, think it’s the time of year. I know that may sound a bit silly, but I’ve gone into hibernation mode a bit because it’s been a long winter and it’s still going. I’ve also been on my phone scrolling because of that and I’ve got myself sick of it 😂

I have five close friends and we’ve all got into a natural rhythm of just messaging every now and then or just to make arrangements to meet in real life, then catch up and have a good time. Everybody is so busy, perhaps she just really is fed up of her phone like I am. Possibly suggest a date to meet then leave her a bit until that day. You never know, she may be struggling with the time of year and just needs to be rid of technology for a bit but still wants your friendship.

Hope it works out well

I wonder if she doesn't like communicating with voice notes if her last reply was a text? Maybe leave it a few weeks and message saying you hope she's ok and ask whether she'd like to go for a coffee. If you see her in person, you could then bring up the texting/voice notes thing. It could be she doesn't like such frequent messages, but would still like to meet every few weeks in person.

I wonder if she doesn't like communicating with voice notes if her last reply was a text

She started the voice notes thing - I had never used them before. Appreciate she is allowed to change her preferences though!

A friend I have known for the best part of 35 years went ‘funny’ in December 2024. Stopped answering texts where I would ask a question (she would ignore the question) most unlike her. I was (and still am) going through a bad time at home with my DS. She knew this but I rarely ‘burdened’ her with my problems. We were not in each others pockets or texting/calling daily, maybe every few weeks. I received a birthday card and sent her one. She text to thank me for my card (we would normally text each other on birthdays but nothing last year) I’m ‘old’ now and really do not have the mental energy for this. I’d have preferred “isthis I would rather we were not friends/in contact anymore because of…” than what she has done. I felt very disappointed that she knew what I was going through but decided to treat me like this. Apart from the birthday (and she sent a Christmas card.i didn’t) I have heard nothing from her. I have no desire to contact her. No desire for her friendship. I would speak to her in the street (she doesn’t live anywhere near me) and don’t want to ‘fall out’ per se. But I will never actually be friends with her again.

My friendship circle is almost the size of a pin these days. I have a few friends who I connect with. That’s enough. I am done with trying, that’s all I’ve ever done really so it’s quite liberating.

I’ve no idea what the issue is with your friend, I hope it’s nothing, but friendship can be hard work if you don’t have a true connection.

Have you tried friendship groups? A friend of a friend set up one on Gumtree with meetings and outings and I met my 3 best friends from there. I also almost 20 years ago got close to my mum’s neighbour whose adult daughter had moved home. Whenever I visited I saw her and we then started the friendship. She’s now also one of my best friends. It does take time arranging things to do though.

Isthisit yes its disheartening. My friend cancelled tomorrow but was a genuine reason. Takes weeks plan anything in general. Sometimes I think should it be this hard and can I be assed with it all!!

How often do you see her in person?

I have 10 friends ….people I meet up with at least every 6weeks…some I see more….I couldnt be arsed with any more ….too much hassle….I know friends of friends and will go out as a group but they are not my actual friends ….I mean, I like their company but not enough to make an effort to become real friends…..my friends are in clusters….so 3 groups of 3….plus one random friend! ….mosty I message them all weekly…..one cluster I go to festivals with and trips to London and regular local theatre trips ….also go dog walking and the pub with this group….we also socialise with partners at times…..the 2nd group, we tend to meet up at each others homes for tea and have days out with our GC …..the 3rd group ( ex co workers) is mainly lunches or nights out …my last ‘random’ friend I met whilst volunteering as a steward at festivals….so we do this together 3 times a year still ….plus meet ups in 2 cities equidistant from where we both live ….apart from that I have 3 SIL who I see regularly and my DM and my AC and GC so I do not have time or inclination to be making any more friends now ….I’m 60

How often do you see her in person

@Cat1504 I would say we average once every 4/5 weeks in person

I don’t have any friends.
I’ve made a new Mum friend who I’m meeting tomorrow for the first time.
I’m very “bubbly” and chatty and I know I’m easy to get on with but keeping friends absolutely exhausts me.
I had a tough time during high school for 5 years and I now find it really hard to relax around new friends so eventually it just burns me out.
I almost want to find a friend who I can sit in silence with and be comfortable 😂 not complete silence the whole time but just… a coffee on the sofa while we natter about whats on the tele.
It’s so hard OP, I hope you hear from your friend soon x

This.
Don’t write off your friendship on the basis of a few quiet weeks 🫤