Anyone else actually given up on trying to make friends?

[Iusedtoshopatsafeway]

I’m mid 40s

Never had great luck with friendships despite (at least IMHO) being chatty, caring, loyal, kind and a good friend.

A few years ago I made a new friend, really clicked and after a year or two I considered her to be a close friend. We communicated frequently (few times a week) but neither of us were demanding & we both respected we each have busy lives, jobs, kids etc. It felt really balanced.

Heard from her a bit less than usual over Christmas, but didn’t think too much of it, given that it was Christmas.

Few weeks ago she messaged to say she’s trying to use her phone less, so I might be hearing from her a bit less than usual.

We used to send voice-notes, so I sent one a couple of weeks back and she just responded with a short text (she always used to send voice notes). Not heard from her at all for ten days or so now.

I am going to contact her and check she’s ok, but in my heart I think she’s cooling off or backing out of the friendship and I’m feeling really sad.

I really thought I’d finally found someone I click with.

I honestly can’t face trying to make friends any more. Think I’ll just focus on DC, and make small talk with my neighbours & folk at the gym and that will have to do me.

(Please don’t tell me to “join a club”. Been there, done that. Got many t-shirts, but zero friends.)

I find this a bit strange because even if you lots of relatives, you still need to have friends! I really don't get why having nieces and nephews and grandchildren would mean you wouldn't need friends!

You would lead a very lonely and isolated life if you're only source of social and companionship was your siblings and their children. I don't know anyone that just relies on their family to be their friends and those that do, usually have pretty unhealthy family dynamics.

It’s hard if you have moved around a lot though as I have. I find myself now in a place where the few friends I had have dropped by the wayside as I don’t have much in common with them anymore. I find myself basically friendless apart from a few people I meet each week after a group. They are a lifeline, but the only people I see now apart from family and OH. I want to move to another area and will have to start again then.

Tennis, tennis tennis. I can't say it enough and always mention it when people struggle to make friends. It is incredibly social, even if you are crap or a total beginner you bond over how useless you all are. I have made a million close friends through it v v quickly - it is impossible not to and anyone I have suggested it to have felt the same. These are not social butterflies but people who took it up to get out there and meet more people.

Oh thank you for that idea. I quite fancy giving tennis a go and making some friends through it would be brilliant!

Perhaps the issue is a friendship where you message online a lot is hard. Something where you naturally meet in person is better? Also some times people back a way then come back, they may have something going on but are not able to speak about it just yet.

I would be tempted to suggest volunteering, some thing light but where you cross over with the same people regularly. A light commitment though. You may have more luck if you have a similar interest in the area rather then an activity/club.

I have viewed friendships differently as I got older.
I’m a teacher heading for early retirement. Many of my friendships I realise were people wanting a ‘safe’ and childcare element on tap eg they chose me for what I could provide.
Being able to ferry kids around in the holidays or have them spend a few days unconsciously or not appealed.

I met DH about 10 years ago and now he is my best friend and our children and dogs our children range from 30-13.

I am autistic- much undiagnosed in women I think. 🤔 I didn’t find my tribe until I met my knitting club. I went a couple of times a gentle lady runs it in a church and you just go if you want - I went twice when the kids were younger and then took a break for 6 months as work was stressful and then gradually I found the two hours a week gave me (female) friends. The lady who runs it is like a magician she is friendly and quiet and keen to learn about you with boundaries and suddenly you are part of a family. There are about 12-15 of us every week and if you don’t go - it’s no pressure but you know you are missed. It’s wonderful t’ai chi is my other passion.

I have just set up a book club early days but it’s working as is a pub quiz on a Sunday.

Aww that's lovely that the knitting club feels like a family. 🤗

God I hated tennis. Temped in a club. Were quite snooty. Anyway. Im trying join new things as dont want get to 60 and nobody to go out with. It can happen so easily. People quite flaky now so you nearly afraid do things if they pull out of plans. I have one great friend she great but dont want over rely on her.

A friend of mine plays tennis and has done for years. She loves it. Unfortunately I am rubbish at it. Badminton might be an alternative?

I’m 57 and recently started Tai Chi and have met some really nice people.

But what will one of them do if the other has to move into nursing care, or when they die? It's great if a strong friendship occurs naturally but best to widen the circle as much as possible imho.

How are you finding it, @ForAmusedHazelQuoter? I started taking classes in my 30s, but couldn't get the hang of it and have always wanted to try again, but the local classes are outdoors, which I find too distracting.

Either that or you don't!

I'm also a single woman, no kids and a couple of long term relationships behind me. Life would be unimaginably bleak and lonely without friends. I recently came out of an abusive relationship and one of the terrors about ending it was "what will I do with my time? I can't spend every evening on my own in front of the telly eating a meal for one". I'd honestly rather die.

I've had to be really brave and put myself out there. I joined a FB page for women looking for friends and after you sort the wheat from the chaff a bit, this can give you promising leads. Last Friday evening I went out with a man from my sports club and we talked about me joining a dance class he goes to. On Saturday I went out with more people from the sports club. On Sunday I met the dancing man again to practice. Last weekend I went to the cinema with two of the women from the FB group and we had a drink afterwards. We do fairly regular walks too. And this morning I met an older friend from a choir I used to go to. None of this stuff comes easily to me AT ALL but it's way better than the alternative. In fact reading that back, I feel quite proud of myself for doing it.

In short, if you want friends you simply have to go out and find them. They won't all instantly be close, but it needs time and persistence.

Yes, I think I might actually enjoy badminton more. Thank you for the suggestion.

Badminton is easier!

How often did you see this person IRL?

Apart from those who live overseas, I would say the only people I consider really close friends (as opposed to more causal pals, good acquaintances, friendly colleagues) are friends who I see face to face at least once every three months. I probably have about 8 people in that category, but I put a hell of a lot of energy into making those meet ups happen.

I’m wondering if you considered her a close friend but she has people who she sees more often IRL who are in this space for her? And whether a remedy in future might be making much more effort to be in physical proximity rather than just in contact? Are you naturally introverted and therefore naturally more comfortable with text/contact and find face to face meetings higher pressure? Totally understandable but it may pay off for building firmer bonds. It does take a lot of energy and admin but for me it’s totally worth it.

apologies if I’m way off the mark here, that’s just the vibe I got from your post

Joining a choir is always a good way to meet people

Yes a choir great. I met 2 lovely girls through walking. We still in contact. Its nice.

I have loads of friends I sometimes don’t contact for months. Then we’ll pick up and chat for a bit. Meet up a couple of times. Have a great time. Get busy again. I still consider them good friends. Some friends I consider I contact ‘a lot’ will still be much less than every 10 days. Honestly, it’s normal and fine, I don’t think you should worry. I couldn’t cope with friends who were demanding anything much of me. Work and children are the demands. Friends are meant to be fun. I’d be there for them if they really needed something, like in a crisis. But for the every day it’s normal to be quite chill.

I don’t think I’m a natural but I’m going to keep at it as it’s good to try and learn new things. I started Qi Gong too which I absolutely love and I feel it’s making me happier.

@workshy46

Tennis, tennis tennis. I can't say it enough and always mention it when people struggle to make friends. It is incredibly social, even if you are crap or a total beginner you bond over how useless you all are. I have made a million close friends through it v v quickly - it is impossible not to and anyone I have suggested it to have felt the same. These are not social butterflies but people who took it up to get out there and meet more people

I have a tennis mad neighbour. She considered the entire tennis club her friends. Then she tripped and broke a bone playing tennis and was out of action for a few months. Only one of them contacted her. Turns out they were acquaintances not friends.

I agree with you here. You have to search out friends and then make the effort to meet up.

This is a big factor

After friends disappeared because of lockdown having children, etc etc I have made a few acquaintances. I don't know if any of that has crossed over into friendship.

I find it quite hard to motivate myself to go out and meet acquaintances. I'm doing it and if anyone is ill, as one actually is at the moment, I will always volunteer to help.

But I have no idea what's going to come of it. I think when most people are busy married with children, there is an odd vibe around me being single and child free as well.

I think you can see somebody at a weekly activity for years and they'll give you a big hug and act like they're overjoyed to see you, but if you're low or unwell, that doesn't necessarily mean they'll volunteer to help.

One of those people has invited me to a book group next week but I'm not sure I want to add in more acquaintances as it can be more lonely going out and doing superficial chat than it is to stay at home on your own.

I do think my generation has a massively different view of community and friendship than my parents generation.

And for Gen Z and A it seems pretty common to only mix with family and only have online friends.

I thinks sports - like tennis - can be hard to break into.You need someone to play with and if you have difficulty making friends then you are right back into feeling awkward asking strangers to play with you ( esp if you are a beginner)

I had two bad experiences with Meet Up too. One v snooty and one taken over by people with an unpleasant agenda.

I think the trick. Is forget about doing xyz to make friends and just do the things you enjoy. That’s way you have more chance of meeting like minded people. It’s hard though - I tend to like solitary stuff!

It's all very worrying for those of us without family. I worry endlessly about my future. Being possibly alone feels so scary and bleak.