Anyone else actually given up on trying to make friends?

[Iusedtoshopatsafeway]

I’m mid 40s

Never had great luck with friendships despite (at least IMHO) being chatty, caring, loyal, kind and a good friend.

A few years ago I made a new friend, really clicked and after a year or two I considered her to be a close friend. We communicated frequently (few times a week) but neither of us were demanding & we both respected we each have busy lives, jobs, kids etc. It felt really balanced.

Heard from her a bit less than usual over Christmas, but didn’t think too much of it, given that it was Christmas.

Few weeks ago she messaged to say she’s trying to use her phone less, so I might be hearing from her a bit less than usual.

We used to send voice-notes, so I sent one a couple of weeks back and she just responded with a short text (she always used to send voice notes). Not heard from her at all for ten days or so now.

I am going to contact her and check she’s ok, but in my heart I think she’s cooling off or backing out of the friendship and I’m feeling really sad.

I really thought I’d finally found someone I click with.

I honestly can’t face trying to make friends any more. Think I’ll just focus on DC, and make small talk with my neighbours & folk at the gym and that will have to do me.

(Please don’t tell me to “join a club”. Been there, done that. Got many t-shirts, but zero friends.)

Most of mine are reason or season I'd say. I don't have any for the latter. I did, but then she ghosted me as I didn't put enough effort in apparently.

Perhaps at the start but nothing will bond you quicker than being on court with them, plus you have a common interest so something to talk about. My friend has hardly played the weather has been so bad but she still meets up with the girls she met for coffee, walks drinks. She has made it her mission to be more proactive though. Choir is also v good but once your kids are beyond a certain age and if you don't have any avenues in work making friends is difficult and I am only suggesting the one thing that has worked for lots of people I know

I’m somewhat surprised by people considering that friends they meet in one situation have to show up in very specific ways in another situation like the tennis friends not showing up when the friend had to quit tennis. That is simply not how adult friendships work in my experience. Friends for a reason, season, life and all of that

In my book, the people who you chat to at tennis but who don’t keep in touch when you quit tennis through injury are friendly acquaintances not friends.

Friendly acquaintances do have a place, but they are not true friends.

I’ve been injured and not played and away and we still meet and go out and talk all the time .. they fill me in on what’s going on. Now I’m maybe “friendly “ with 20 people but five I’m friends with so sure not all but still better than none. We’ve been away on trips .. maybe I’m been lucky but I see it across the board tbh and one friend single hasn’t played a huge amount , beginner , non sporty has made lots of friends .. there are always social nights , beginner nights , competitions etc I’m not saying do it if you don’t want to but you clearly want to make more friends and have a wider social circle and personally .. along with choir which seems to be great too I haven’t seen anything more effective

Yes having temped in a tennis club its a great social thing. You meet lots through it. My son met loads through his soccer in Dublin. They go away a lot. Sport is good that way.

Hi OP. It's tough out there. I think the trick is to invest in a few people and hobbies, then when one or more is not around or quiet, there's still other people to be with and things to fill your time with.

I think it's trendy to drop people and not make much effort under the guise of prioritising "wellness". Also, people can "fill" a life up with phones, partners, kids etc and don't want more than that. That's ok and just shows different values and priorities.

I don't bother with people who think it's ok to not respond to a text for months on end because they're sooooo busy. Aren't we all. I think some people treat friendships as disposable and a transaction and don't think they owe anyone anything. Tbh this is good to find out as I wouldn't want someone like that in my life anyway. Don't give up, there's some lovely people out there who value the kinds of friendships you do.

Have I missed something that the real test of friendship is if someone takes you to A&E at 3am? Who are these people that can just drop everything or are available at 3am?

I have wonderful friends, some of whom I've been friends with since school so nearly 30 years and we've been through a lot together but I wouldn't expect any of them be to dragging me to a&e at 3am and I'm pretty sure none of them expect it of me. Most of them have jobs and families and other commitments. As do I. If I need emergency treatment then I either go by ambulance or taxi.

Jjkate its hard. You see it on threads here nobody owes you anything. My circle small now as finding people really flaky lately..

I don’t think the 3am A&E thing has to actually be that. I was away one year and my young adult DC was going through a crisis of some sort and I knew if I contacted my best friend she’d be able to help and she did.
I wouldn’t have asked my aqua aerobics friend, friends who live abroad, school friend who live 100 miles away etc.
My best friend and I give out the others details if there’s an emergency etc, a bit like a friend next of kin.

@ForAmusedHazelQuoter friend next of kin! It's the dream. I would've done it for so many people. My parents did it. Other people in their circle did it before they got too old.

Totally sympathise.

When I was younger, I had no idea how many people make most of their friends at university, college or school, and that's pretty much it. I also didn't know that a lot of people hate change so much and need a sense of belonging to the point they'd rather stick to their childhood circle of friends, even if they don't have that much in common in with them anymore.

It's so hard, and a very difficult pit to get out of, once you're in it. People understandably are quite reluctant to make friends with someone with no friends because they're fearful and think there's something wrong with you. I wonder if that what your friend was starting to sense from you. Even if you didn't tell her this about you outright, people can tell by the lack of stories you have about other friends that you don't have anyone else or other social engagements, and so they back away because they just don't want to be that only person for you. It's too much pressure.

I've tried joining Facebook walking groups for women but most of them seem rubbish. They're filled with outdoorsy / nature influencers who are only there to promote their social media accounts, and many seem to have serious social anxiety. The whole point of those groups is to organise walks, but no one came to mine and I've heard of other women being disappointed when their were booked by several people, but no one turned up on the day and no one let her know they weren't coming :( Ramblers is pointless as the last ones I've gone to have included mainly people who are at least 70+ years and up.

To add to what you were saying, I've learnt the hard way that if communication with someone is confusing, if they don't reach out when expected, or rarely, that it's likely that they're a user, and you're just not a priority from them.

In that, the 'friendship' isn't based on how good of a chat you had last time, that reciprocal exchange that should flow naturally when people have good time or get on.

It's based on what their needs are in the moment. So you might expect some kind of reach out from them, but they don't because they just consider their own needs. They have a nice time with you, they've enjoyed themselves, and now they're fine. You're just there to fill their cup. If they're not bored, if they don't need advice or someone to listen to them, if they don't want something from you, you won't hear from them.

Sadly true. This describes my sister.

I don't get all the sooooo busy people. What are they doing that makes them so busy? Most of them seem very ordinary to me, certainly not Nobel prize winners or anything.

Ultimately you prioritise what you care about and a harsh lesson for me was accepting that these "I'd love to meet but I'm sooooo busy people" don't really care about me and I'm wasting my energy.

My experience of people who are “soooo busy” is that they’re actually just incredibly disorganised and can’t seem to get even the most basic jobs done without faffing or complaining or telling everyone about it.

I also think it’s what some people think is a socially acceptable excuse to get out of things. If you tell someone you’re busy or want to use your phone less, it saves you from having to tell then you actually find them dull as fuck 🤣

My experience of people who are “soooo busy” is that they’re actually just incredibly disorganised and can’t seem to get even the most basic jobs done without faffing or complaining or telling everyone about it

Yes - I work (4 days, professional job), DH works (very long hours job), we have a primary school child, a large house which we maintain without a cleaner / gardener etc. I exercise 4/5 times a week. And I still have time to keep in touch with those who matter to me.

I think different people get exhausted by different things. Social interaction is exhausting for many people who are natural introverts. There's the whole thing of what to wear, putting on make up, getting things organised and the effort of being positive and interesting when sometimes you don't feel positive. I think many people have become sensitised by social media to feel like they have to be perfect and nothing else is acceptable. This extends to inviting people over. We compare our houses to what see on instagram or p interest or whatever and feel they have to be perfectly, clean, perfectly organised, and the food must be great. It is just so much pressure. Sometimes it's easier to stay at home with your loved ones, if you have them.

Also there is the whole trap of comparison. Some people are quite boastful. What job they do, what they earn, what they've been doing, how successful their children are, blah, blah blah. If you are struggling with something difficult it's hard to hear. I'm not speaking for myself here but I do think society has changed a lot in that way, It's a harsh and judgemental world we live in, not a kind and tolerant one.

That's so true. I spent several years playing croquet socially. It was great. Met loads of people, had a lot of fun and many of those I thought of as friends. However I had an injury and couldn't go for some time. After an initial show of interest when I returned, I didn't actually get the feeling I had been missed. I then had another couple of bouts of absence due to the same issue and gradually stopped going. I never hear from them. I realised they weren't friends at all. I've noticed this happening with other members who die or fall away. No one mentions them again . It's very strange and has upset me quite a lot. .

Hate this soo busy too. Had a friend there was never a spare wend so I gave up suggesting dates. Its def disheartening. You wonder do they want friends at all. Have another friend she great for cinema etc

I had a ‘too busy’ friend too, she reappeared at Christmas but has gone down the too busy route again so I’ve mentally changed her to my once a year Christmas catch up friend. Otherwise it’s such a waste of energy and I hate not knowing where I stand with people.

Yes ForAmused done with time wasters now! Im too old for this crap ha

@Iusedtoshopatsafeway hello, in a similar situation. I'm in my 40s (female) with a teenage DS. Coventry. Feel free to get in touch.

It is hard. My friend works full time so her wends book up fast. Tomorrow Im meeting a work colleague and Saturday 2 girls for coffee that I met through walking. Its hit and miss met an old neighbour last may. It fizzled out as I felt I was doing all the chasing.. it is disheartening at times op agree.