Anyone else actually given up on trying to make friends?

[Iusedtoshopatsafeway]

I’m mid 40s

Never had great luck with friendships despite (at least IMHO) being chatty, caring, loyal, kind and a good friend.

A few years ago I made a new friend, really clicked and after a year or two I considered her to be a close friend. We communicated frequently (few times a week) but neither of us were demanding & we both respected we each have busy lives, jobs, kids etc. It felt really balanced.

Heard from her a bit less than usual over Christmas, but didn’t think too much of it, given that it was Christmas.

Few weeks ago she messaged to say she’s trying to use her phone less, so I might be hearing from her a bit less than usual.

We used to send voice-notes, so I sent one a couple of weeks back and she just responded with a short text (she always used to send voice notes). Not heard from her at all for ten days or so now.

I am going to contact her and check she’s ok, but in my heart I think she’s cooling off or backing out of the friendship and I’m feeling really sad.

I really thought I’d finally found someone I click with.

I honestly can’t face trying to make friends any more. Think I’ll just focus on DC, and make small talk with my neighbours & folk at the gym and that will have to do me.

(Please don’t tell me to “join a club”. Been there, done that. Got many t-shirts, but zero friends.)

I don't consciously try to make friends. I mean, I come across as nice, polite and kind. However, I work very long hours, and when I come home, I just want to get on with 'home' things, then curl up and go to sleep! I also have a job where isolation can be part and parcel of it, and I work on my own a lot, but I'm happy in my own company. I find big groups overwhelming, and then I need to go home to re-charge on my own!

I do go to language classes and music lessons. I meet people that I wouldn't otherwise have met (and still don't see, on the occasions that I go into town). The language classes have meet-ups, but I don't go, because they're either on weekends when I am in work, or if I'm off, I can think of more important things to do than go to meet-ups.

A lot of people seem to like having superficial relationships that are confined to, say, work or a particular club. They don't necessarily want a relationship outside of that, though don't mind the odd text here and there.

There's no harm in just focusing on DC and making small-talk with neighbours and people that you come across at the gym. However, you might need to branch out a bit more when the time comes for your DC to leave home, as my mother did! She goes to a lot of art-related classes.

I have a couple of old friends I keep in touch with but don't feel like I really have headspace for more. Perimenopause, teen DC and elderly parents are enough for now.

I think you can see somebody at a weekly activity for years and they'll give you a big hug and act like they're overjoyed to see you, but if you're low or unwell, that doesn't necessarily mean they'll volunteer to help

This is very very true. I wonder how many people who claim to have 5/8/10/20 friends or whatever actually just have acquaintances……

It’s so easy in these days of WhatsApp groups etc to feel like you have more “friends” than you really do

I totally respect that

It's one of the reasons I am realistic about this now

What I feel now is that the younger cohort are simply going to go down the same road. I tend to find that younger people are more likely to be friendly towards me, but I have no faith in it lasting. The two people I think might be actual friends are late 20s and early 30s. One is already trying to get pregnant. She'll forget I exist when that happens. I don't invest too much because I've been down that road before.

@Iusedtoshopatsafeway do you mean on this thread - people talking about having lots of friends? Or just in general.

It’s frustrating but don’t give up. Clearly you have had friends, you are capable of friendship, you know when you click with someone, you’re interested in people, and you get what friendship is about.

I saw something on IG the other day about making friends in adulthood that rang true for me. It was about how clubs and activities don’t lead to friendships unless you’re actively collaborating with other people.

That’s why people make friends at work, or when they’re on the PTA, or doing community activism or playing in an orchestra or being on the stage crew at a local theatre or whatever.

The relationship comes not from doing something alongside others (like life drawing, or pottery classes, or yoga) but getting stuck into solving problems with others, or making something together.

All my best friendships formed in adulthood came from work, or from being on the board at my DC’s nursery. You get to share eye rolls about pointless or tedious meetings, or laugh at the absurdity of events, and pull together to make nice / important things happen.

I always think a gym buddy for example becomes a friend when we start meeting up outside the gym or wherever we met. So for example a lady I met at Aqua aerobics four years ago she is now my friend, we go to the theatre and have lunch together. Another couple of the ladies I do really like and we hang out together in the jacuzzi and at the Christmas do but I only see them at this setting so they are my friendly aqua buddies not my friends. I still think they are in a positive in my life as I do enjoy chatting to them.

I avoid all WhatsApp groups because I find them draining . My Aqua ladies asked me to join their one but I don’t need to read lots of messages about why Sue can’t go to the class next Tuesday.
I WhatsApp friends one to one, and friend wise I’m very much a one to one person too.

I'm in the same situation. I totally get you.

I’m somewhat surprised by people considering that friends they meet in one situation have to show up in very specific ways in another situation like the tennis friends not showing up when the friend had to quit tennis. That is simply not how adult friendships work in my experience. Friends for a reason, season, life and all of that.

You can still have really lovely friendships with people and they are actual friendships. I mean friendships end whenever we end a stage like school and university and various stages of parenting, activities but that doesn’t mean they are not friends or were not friends during that stage it just means we need to start a new stage. That is normal and it is not a reason to feel resentment.

I think it's difficult in your 30s and 40s as everyone is busy with their kids and/or jobs.

Some of my closest friendships were formed at uni or workplaces when you saw the same people day in day out and they were all there for the same reason or had something in common.

Now I'm self employed and so many of those friendships have fizzled out. It became too much effort to stay friends with people after uni as they all just scattered in different directions.

Nowadays I don't really have any 'close' friends. They're mostly wives of my husband's friends, friends from the school run or through my hobby but it's a hobby that relies on good weather and having the funds so you can go months without seeing people.
I wouldn't say they were people I'd message if I was having a hard time. I've got my husband and parents for emotional support when I need it.

I do feel a bit sad about it sometimes but I doesn't affect me 90% of the time. It's good to read this thread and see that I'm not alone.

Surely that comes down to what your definition of a friend is though?

For example I mostly saw my uni friends at uni. Occasionally we'd go for a few drinks but not that often as we were commuting to uni from different directions. I still considered them friends.

@ChocolateHobbit I consider those people to be acquaintances. They have value but they're not friends.

And honesty in an age where everybody is glued to their phones, I think that people are not interested in friendship.

We have arrived in "the man who fell in love with a robot" - the song by The 1975. We are living it.

Actually this thread has made me feel a bit better about things - at one point I thought it was just me-

I agree entirely. I mean, if you haven't been interested enough in this person to get to know them outside the context of a weekly meeting to do whatever activity over a period of years, then of course it remains a purely situational friendship, and it seems a bit much to then expect that person to 'volunteer' if you're 'low or unwell.'

Though, TBH, I never think the metric of 'whether someone will take you to A and E at 3 am' or whatever is a good friendship indicator. Most of the time, we're not in an emergency. We're just friends because we like one another's company. And some people just want to see one another weekly playing tennis or making pottery. Whereas I, if I meet someone I like and find attractive as a personality, will often suggest meeting outside that context, or they will.

I've been going to a twice-monthly activity since last autumn, joining a pre-existing group of very disparate women -- we all had a pre-Christmas dinner together, and one woman has invited us to stay with her for the weekend at a cottage she is renovating by the sea in a couple of weeks. Everyone but one has children, everyone has a job, some are married, one has a serious chronic illness, and several have additional caring responsibilities for unwell elderly parents or supporting immediate family members through chemotherapy, one has a teenager with significant special needs who will never live independently. But they all have in common that they take friendship seriously, and recognise its importance to them. So they are prepared to put themselves out there.

'Friends' is pretty subjective, though. I mean, on Mn it appears to cover terrain like 'someone I don't much like but have known for years'.

Like the Dowager Countess 😂

That's really nice that you found people who find friendship important. Who knows, maybe I have as well. Only time will tell.

I mean, I think there are a lot of them out there -- this is just a recent group I've met. Most of my friends from other contexts also have a lot going on, are married or single with children and pets and demanding jobs and other responsibilities and are dealing with illness, caring responsibilities, volunteering etc. But they see friendship as an enrichment, rather than a chore or extra demand.

I hope you do find some, too! They're definitely out there.

Yes its harder as an adult. I work hard with my friendships. Some cooled I let it go. Theres no point one sided efforts. I met a girl through walking. We met this morning was nice catchup

im going to put this out there because this is the internet and I can, but I think it is clear where the OP and others like her are ‘going wrong’ in terms of enjoying friendship as adults in 2026. I don’t mean this to be nasty at all, I’m trying to be helpful. The minute you stop expecting anything of your friends, stop imposing tests or thresholds for what ‘proper’ friendship looks like or what is ‘worth’ investing energy into, everything becomes much better. And there’s no need to downgrade them to ‘acquaintance’ if they don’t meet these tests. People are busy. They probably do really like you. They maybe live in a different area of town to you. They have a thousand demands and they owe you - honestly - precisely nothing. They probably don’t have time to take friends to a&e. If it’s that much of an emergency, call 999. They don’t want to pick anyone up from the airport. Get a taxi or a train. They might send a text every few months. But if a friend is having a shit time they probably still will want to meet up for a coffee and a chat if asked directly. We live in a fast paced, capitalist, increasingly blade runner-esque society not in an 1890s village. We are all over burdened by demands. We need social connection nonetheless. You do have to adjust the expectations though I think. Idk, just my thoughts on the matter.

@Usernamedulychanged I think you are correct - the thing is if you stayed in your home town or maybe your college/uni town or city you probably still have old school friends , old college friends - it’s one bonus of that kind of staying where you know - if you have moved away or moved around as an adult it’s often more complicated and the expression friends for a reason or season kicks in - WFH has also had its big bonuses , but also downsides when it comes to making friends too - particularly for those who as mentioned have moved around as adults.

@Usernamedulychanged some interesting contradictions in your post

In the 1890s, the vast majority of people would have been working longer hours and would have had very little money - but you seem to have brought it up as an example of an easier life?

I don't think it has any relevance here anyway.

You speak of the fast paced "Blade Runner" society we live in now. But you also suggest that people don't question what is worth investing energy into. Surely in this Blade Runner society, that is the expedient thing to do.

The moment I stopped saying "I must go to this thing to be sociable because I might make friends out of these acquaintances if I just show up enough times" - everything became much better. It's all just a game of chance.

I don't see anyone setting tests. Referring to someone as an "acquaintance" is not a "downgrade". It is a descriptive term.

did anyone here ask a friend to drive them to A&E? I don't think anyone's asking for that much.

you say "people are busy" as if it's news. Maybe you think we're not busy because we're chatting on here. I'm on a tea break. I'm not going outside because I'll get blown away. I like the conversation on here. But yes, I'm also very busy. Probably most posters are.

My parents generation were busier as they didn't have access to so many labour saving devices, things being delivered, easy options for cooking. But they seem to have had a sense of community that my generation does not. Over the years,I put in a lot of effort to establish that community and to be active in that community. People are not interested so I don't do it anymore. That's my thoughts on the matter.

@Crikeyalmighty i'm not sure I 100% understand that expression

It's basically saying friends won't be around forever, right? It seems so weird to me. There's two deaths in mum's circle this month. Both in their 90s. Both people who had friends for lifetimes. Neither of them living in their original part of the country but I guess they've been local to us for about 30 years.

Yep - it usually means friends who are around at a particular time in life ( ante natal, school mums , uni , a hobby, ) but once that ‘reason/season’ ends or fades, the friendship often does too , or at least declines in amount of contact - the underlying ‘friendship’ may still be there but you see them twice a year not twice a month etc

They don’t want to pick anyone up from the airport

They probably don’t have time to take friends to a&e.

But if a friend is having a shit time they probably still will want to meet up for a coffee and a chat if asked directly.

So “they” really can’t be bothered/are too busy to see friends if it benefits the friend. However “they” might drag themselves out if “they” feel like it. As long as their friend organises it though.

I don’t think I really want “they” at a friend to be honest.

Well, it’s more saying that some friendships are primarily situational or specific to a particular period of your life, while some last long beyond whatever it was that initially drew you together. I don’t think the situational ones aren’t valid, either. Something doesn’t have to last forever to be meaningful.

I agree.

Friends for a reason, a season or a lifetime and all that.

Not all friendships are take to you to A&E at 3am but they are still friendships and can enhance your life.