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Original poster

Anyone else actually given up on trying to make friends?

148 replies

Iusedtoshopatsafeway · 11/02/2026 22:07

I’m mid 40s

Never had great luck with friendships despite (at least IMHO) being chatty, caring, loyal, kind and a good friend.

A few years ago I made a new friend, really clicked and after a year or two I considered her to be a close friend. We communicated frequently (few times a week) but neither of us were demanding & we both respected we each have busy lives, jobs, kids etc. It felt really balanced.

Heard from her a bit less than usual over Christmas, but didn’t think too much of it, given that it was Christmas.

Few weeks ago she messaged to say she’s trying to use her phone less, so I might be hearing from her a bit less than usual.

We used to send voice-notes, so I sent one a couple of weeks back and she just responded with a short text (she always used to send voice notes). Not heard from her at all for ten days or so now.

I am going to contact her and check she’s ok, but in my heart I think she’s cooling off or backing out of the friendship and I’m feeling really sad.

I really thought I’d finally found someone I click with.

I honestly can’t face trying to make friends any more. Think I’ll just focus on DC, and make small talk with my neighbours & folk at the gym and that will have to do me.

(Please don’t tell me to “join a club”. Been there, done that. Got many t-shirts, but zero friends.)

OP posts:
Original poster
Iusedtoshopatsafeway · 12/02/2026 22:27

@Peonyperfection @UneasyMe

I really hope you are right and it is just a quiet patch.

OP posts:
KitsyWitsy · 12/02/2026 22:27

I was in a similar position a couple of years ago. I joined meetup and now have more friends than I know what to do with. Close ones too. I've been on holidays with them, spa days, drinks, meals. My life is so full now.

But, I put effort into it. I made it happen. I got out there and I talked to people and I persevered.

Mary46 · 13/02/2026 07:12

It has to be two way efforts though Kitsy. People went weird after covid.

Original poster
Iusedtoshopatsafeway · 13/02/2026 19:27

@KitsyWitsy @Mary46 indeed it does need to be two way.

I appreciate people are well meaning & say join a club / volunteer etc. I have tried both.

Volunteering just led me to realise everyone wanted things to be done / organised but didn’t want to do it themselves. I put a lot of effort into it but didn’t lead to real friendships. Same with clubs.

I think I just have to accept I’m just not someone that is liked or people click with, even though when I’m with people I feel like things are fine, I don’t feel like I’m not getting on with people or anything.

School mums at the school gate are chatting about their half term plans and a few families are going away together. I just kept thinking, how come I never get friendly enough with people to do stuff like that, despite the fact I attend the social stuff, make an effort, host things. I honestly give up.

OP posts:
Cat1504 · 13/02/2026 21:01

KitsyWitsy · 12/02/2026 22:27

I was in a similar position a couple of years ago. I joined meetup and now have more friends than I know what to do with. Close ones too. I've been on holidays with them, spa days, drinks, meals. My life is so full now.

But, I put effort into it. I made it happen. I got out there and I talked to people and I persevered.

But why do you want more friends than you know what to do with….far too much effort to sustain that …I’ve got 10 friends….just couldn’t be arsed having any more ….I’ve got 3 kids….3 GC ….my DM….3 SIL ….2 nieces with 4Gnieces …..who take up enough of my time before I even think about friends …plus I work 2 days a week….why complicate life with loads of friends

Original poster
Iusedtoshopatsafeway · 13/02/2026 21:11

@Cat1504 I agree, I just want one or two good friends.

I currently have:

DH (always working), my child.

DH’s family are kind of there but I’m not “friends” with SILs/BILs

My mum (lovely, but miles away)

I’m not close to my dad, siblings or their partners

No cousins or wider family I speak to

In terms of friends, there was just the one I saw maybe monthly who has now gone quiet.

Lots of local acquaintances but they are not friends (I know this because they didn’t contact me during a tough time when a friend would have made contact)

A couple of old friends from school who are lovely but live miles away and aren’t keen to chat regularly, maybe speak 2 or 3 times a year

OP posts:
OldReliability · 13/02/2026 21:21

Iusedtoshopatsafeway · 13/02/2026 19:27

@KitsyWitsy @Mary46 indeed it does need to be two way.

I appreciate people are well meaning & say join a club / volunteer etc. I have tried both.

Volunteering just led me to realise everyone wanted things to be done / organised but didn’t want to do it themselves. I put a lot of effort into it but didn’t lead to real friendships. Same with clubs.

I think I just have to accept I’m just not someone that is liked or people click with, even though when I’m with people I feel like things are fine, I don’t feel like I’m not getting on with people or anything.

School mums at the school gate are chatting about their half term plans and a few families are going away together. I just kept thinking, how come I never get friendly enough with people to do stuff like that, despite the fact I attend the social stuff, make an effort, host things. I honestly give up.

But most people you meet in the school yard, volunteering, at work, or at a club won’t become your friends, any more than a set of people you share a bus with. You can’t just think of people as an undifferentiated mass who don’t like you. Do you like individuals among them?

Isthisit2025 · 13/02/2026 21:50

@Cat1504 I think you have an awfully complicated life with the amount of commitment you have, you are incredibly lucky though. Clearly you are able to handle that amount of company, OP appears to want true connection, so quality over quantity, therefore an uncomplicated life.

OP I get true and sincere connection. Rare as hens teeth, and never to be taken for granted.

I too wonder why I’m not ‘flavour of the month’ I look and question, I can’t fathom
it. I’m the truest loyal friend you could ever have. As old as I am I’m always surprised at people’s behaviour.

Original poster
Iusedtoshopatsafeway · 13/02/2026 21:52

@OldReliability I get that. I don’t want / expect to make friends with them all. For example, the school mums. Some of them I recognise aren’t my kind of people.

But some of them I do really like. But I never seem to make & maintain a friendship, despite efforts.

OP posts:
Heyhelga · 13/02/2026 21:53

I feel everyone is generally becoming more recluse whether by choice or unconsciously.

EmeraldRoulette · 13/02/2026 22:48

Heyhelga · 13/02/2026 21:53

I feel everyone is generally becoming more recluse whether by choice or unconsciously.

I agree with this and it may be a factor in what your experience experiencing @Iusedtoshopatsafeway

I'm sorry to hear about your situation.

it was helpful to learn on here that some people feel harassed by their phone. I didn't realise how big a deal it was until I read it here.

But it seems incredibly unfair that some friendships have gone to pot when we are not the ones making demands by phone IYSWIM.

KitsyWitsy · 14/02/2026 10:01

Cat1504 · 13/02/2026 21:01

But why do you want more friends than you know what to do with….far too much effort to sustain that …I’ve got 10 friends….just couldn’t be arsed having any more ….I’ve got 3 kids….3 GC ….my DM….3 SIL ….2 nieces with 4Gnieces …..who take up enough of my time before I even think about friends …plus I work 2 days a week….why complicate life with loads of friends

Show quote history

It's just an expression.

Sounds like you have a full life, good for you. For other people, I've seen them heavily rely on one friend or just their partner and then when they lose them, they have nothing. It's good to have plenty of different people in your life.

I have friends in interest groups, friends to drink with, friends to spa/cinema with. I also have my partner. He's American and is back in America at the moment. I have lots of friends to keep busy with so it's not too bad.

KitsyWitsy · 14/02/2026 10:07

Iusedtoshopatsafeway · 13/02/2026 21:52

@OldReliability I get that. I don’t want / expect to make friends with them all. For example, the school mums. Some of them I recognise aren’t my kind of people.

But some of them I do really like. But I never seem to make & maintain a friendship, despite efforts.

That is a shame. I never saw the school mums as potential friends myself... I just used to drop my kids off and run off. We didnt have group chats then or anything like that. I did make a good friend at one of my kid's parties though.

I think all you can do is persevere. I really do recommend meetup and following your interests. For example, I met one friend at a walking group and made some other friends at craft groups.

Mary46 · 14/02/2026 10:11

People stay in now so makes things harder. My circle small but you need a few friends. I have found flakier now wont set plans etc.. op as you say its hard. Im 50s. Met a few nice girls through work.

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 14/02/2026 11:33

A neighbour of mine who’s had a tragic time (her second child was stillborn) texted me recently to ask me out for a coffee and walk with her 3 month old. Her DD (5) doesn’t like going out much or play dates and she doesn’t seem to want to do baby friendly groups and also said when she tried to be friends with another neighbour who’s since moved (was American) she spent the whole visit complaining about everything so it put her off making other mum friends. I’ll see her again for coffee and a walk though.

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 14/02/2026 11:34

KitsyWitsy · 14/02/2026 10:07

That is a shame. I never saw the school mums as potential friends myself... I just used to drop my kids off and run off. We didnt have group chats then or anything like that. I did make a good friend at one of my kid's parties though.

I think all you can do is persevere. I really do recommend meetup and following your interests. For example, I met one friend at a walking group and made some other friends at craft groups.

Show quote history

Second meet-up (I said it before!) lots of them are just women of a certain age group who want to meet up either for drinks, brunch, walks etc.

Climbingrosexx · 14/02/2026 12:14

Similar situation to me but I am guessing I am a lot older than you and while it was horrible for me in my younger days as I have got older I expect a lot less of people and just get on with my own life. Sorry that probably doesn't help much but I really do find it doesn't matter so much to me now.

Might be worth making sure she is ok and there isn't some other reason she seems to have backed off. Maybe see if she wants to meet up. If you feel you are really not getting anything back then maybe your gut instinct is right.

PembeGreyfurt · 14/02/2026 12:20

"I’m in the same boat. Friend of 40 years is refusing to speak on the phone, text or sm unless it’s on her terms. So I no longer have a friend imho."

I have this exact situation with a friend of 36 years...

Also lost another friend whom I considered close at the beginning of December. We had known each other for more than 10 years. She ghosted me out of the blue when I had a crisis.

Tonissister · 14/02/2026 12:28

OP can I make a suggestion?

I have been in your situation a few times over the years.
I finally realised that I was looking for a very close friendship and most people aren't. They find it too intense or too demanding. I shifted my aims and decided instead to develop acquaintances. People I catch up with maybe once or twice a month for coffee, a walk, or maybe have a shared interest with - go to a fitness class together or to the theatre or a gig. I stop caring if we haven't spoken in months. Life gets busy.

You'll find loads more people who are happy with this sort of less time- consuming friendship, and you'll see more people, but less often.

If you rely on a certain person or a specific pattern for friendship eg. voice messaging, the other person can feel a bit hemmed in, or it can get needy. Widen your circle and reduce the intensity. It worked for me, and I am pretty happy now. I still have a couple of people I can rely on if I have a problem to discuss, but we see each other maybe once a month, and most of the time it's for a fun catch up not a deep heart to heart.

Cat1504 · 14/02/2026 15:41

Isthisit2025 · 13/02/2026 21:50

@Cat1504 I think you have an awfully complicated life with the amount of commitment you have, you are incredibly lucky though. Clearly you are able to handle that amount of company, OP appears to want true connection, so quality over quantity, therefore an uncomplicated life.

OP I get true and sincere connection. Rare as hens teeth, and never to be taken for granted.

I too wonder why I’m not ‘flavour of the month’ I look and question, I can’t fathom
it. I’m the truest loyal friend you could ever have. As old as I am I’m always surprised at people’s behaviour.

10 friends is hardy complicated!! It’s 3 lots of 3 friends….plus 1 single friend..,,I think most people IRL have more friends than that!! I mean on MN you would think that no one ever went out with friends ever.
I went to the theatre on Tuesday with 3 friends…..I met 3 friends at the pub with partners on Friday….I will go dog walking on Monday with another 3 ….the single friend I won’t see until the 23rd , when we will meet for coffee…..what’s complicated about that?!

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 14/02/2026 15:46

Tonissister · 14/02/2026 12:28

OP can I make a suggestion?

I have been in your situation a few times over the years.
I finally realised that I was looking for a very close friendship and most people aren't. They find it too intense or too demanding. I shifted my aims and decided instead to develop acquaintances. People I catch up with maybe once or twice a month for coffee, a walk, or maybe have a shared interest with - go to a fitness class together or to the theatre or a gig. I stop caring if we haven't spoken in months. Life gets busy.

You'll find loads more people who are happy with this sort of less time- consuming friendship, and you'll see more people, but less often.

If you rely on a certain person or a specific pattern for friendship eg. voice messaging, the other person can feel a bit hemmed in, or it can get needy. Widen your circle and reduce the intensity. It worked for me, and I am pretty happy now. I still have a couple of people I can rely on if I have a problem to discuss, but we see each other maybe once a month, and most of the time it's for a fun catch up not a deep heart to heart.

My nana when in a private retirement flat made another close friend (best) with another woman there. You wouldn’t see one without the other and they were constantly in each others flats or calling for each other on the way to the common room. So yes you can make close friends when you’re older.

Isthisit2025 · 14/02/2026 15:53

@Cat1504 That amount of friends would be too much for me to manage to be honest (neither you nor I are wrong or right just different) I have lots of acquaintances but not proper friends. The few I have is plenty. I think the older I get the less I can mentally cope with.

Cat1504 · 14/02/2026 16:01

Isthisit2025 · 14/02/2026 15:53

@Cat1504 That amount of friends would be too much for me to manage to be honest (neither you nor I are wrong or right just different) I have lots of acquaintances but not proper friends. The few I have is plenty. I think the older I get the less I can mentally cope with.

I’m 61 …hardly young! ….so what do you do with acquaintances? …..I live in a market town where everyone know everyone……I say hello to around a hundred people if I walk into town….is that what you mean by acquaintances….of those hundred I will probably stop and speak to 10 of them for ask how they/their families are……but they are not my friends….So what do you do with your free time? Spend it with partner and kids and GC? …that’s fine too ….but I always think I need something outside of family….like I go to Glastonbury with 3 of my mates…..and go to another festival with another 3 ….we have a great time….a couple of hi lights of my year….I get to feel young again! Wouldn’t be the same with my family….I think it must be a northern thing maybe ..,( I’m NW) because I actually think I have fewer proper friends than most people I know

Isthisit2025 · 14/02/2026 17:02

@Cat1504 I wish I was more like you (I’m 64) maybe I’m in a rut. I work 4 days a weekand look after my GC 1 day a week. Partner/keeping the home (relatively) tidy and a friend meet up 1 x weekly. People would say I’m very sociable but I’m actually not, I must put on a good show though! There is definitely a north/south divide.

FrostyFlo · 14/02/2026 17:19

My ' friend ' of 10+ years basically dropped me when I became ill ( long term ) as I had become less useful to her .
I used to be able to take her places , do jobs for her like gardening , some shopping now and again and pet care when she went away .
The crazy ( and sad thing ) is she doesn't work and class herself disabled and I now realise I was a skivvy with benefits ( no not those ! ) but as soon as I can't do that for her , it was bye bye to me .