Anyone else actually given up on trying to make friends?

[Iusedtoshopatsafeway]

I’m mid 40s

Never had great luck with friendships despite (at least IMHO) being chatty, caring, loyal, kind and a good friend.

A few years ago I made a new friend, really clicked and after a year or two I considered her to be a close friend. We communicated frequently (few times a week) but neither of us were demanding & we both respected we each have busy lives, jobs, kids etc. It felt really balanced.

Heard from her a bit less than usual over Christmas, but didn’t think too much of it, given that it was Christmas.

Few weeks ago she messaged to say she’s trying to use her phone less, so I might be hearing from her a bit less than usual.

We used to send voice-notes, so I sent one a couple of weeks back and she just responded with a short text (she always used to send voice notes). Not heard from her at all for ten days or so now.

I am going to contact her and check she’s ok, but in my heart I think she’s cooling off or backing out of the friendship and I’m feeling really sad.

I really thought I’d finally found someone I click with.

I honestly can’t face trying to make friends any more. Think I’ll just focus on DC, and make small talk with my neighbours & folk at the gym and that will have to do me.

(Please don’t tell me to “join a club”. Been there, done that. Got many t-shirts, but zero friends.)

FrostyFlo thats awful but look you dont need crap friends like her. My family the same you only get calls when they want something)

What I wish someone had told me back when I was failing at making new friends was to find ways to stay interesting. I should have bought myself a loom or a saxophone or something and learned how to use it and learn something new.

Sometimes you don't come across the right people and it's no one's fault but the negative effects of living like that are real. You have to find ways to get through it and stay as a well rounded person.

It was nearly two years ago now , but even before then , I should have had an inkling to how she was . During covid and when we could meet up at a distance dh and I used to visit her and her dh and talk in her garden , they never visited us and she once said I was coping with it all better than her because I was so insular ! All these years later I still remember that .
Sorry to hear about your family , must be hard .

Thanks yes it hurts as you say. I got good advice on threads here match their energies. My friend is shocked as her family are close so she doesnt really get it!

I had the same think happen this time last year, my friend hardly contacted me all year. Then just before Christmas she reached out and said she’d been depressed, was now on meds, feeling a lot better and can we meet up? We did get together and had a lovely time. After a brief message exchange in January she’s gone quiet again. I can’t be doing with it now and have put her in my mind as my once a year Christmas friend.
I found last year too painful and had really moved on by the Autumn.

OP you said there’s a couple of school mums who you do really like. Why don’t you message one of them and say do you fancy grabbing a coffee?

I really do hope that your friend has just having a break from her phone and it’s not the end of the friendship. I’d do what others have suggested, just message her and suggest catching up in person

I lost all my friends when they had kids and I couldn’t have any because obviously they preferred to spend time with other mums. Honestly you get used to it in my opinion. While it would be nice to have friends, I know I’m an anomaly not having children so I’ve given up. I’m quite happy now in my mid 40s without friends. You really do get used to it and learn how to enjoy life without friends.

I have DC but three of my good friends don’t have DC, I’d never really thought about it before.
You may find as you get older and other women’s DC grown up they have more time for friends and to make new friends.

Im not sure I want new friends now. Im 50s. People super flaky. God its hard. People happy sit in. My circle is small.

I think I’m happier staying as I am. Reading about other people’s experiences it will likely happen again when grandchildren come along so I’d rather just stay as I am I think. I do understand why people would rather hang out with others who have kids/grandkids. I can’t join in with the conversations so I do get it. I’m not really complaining. Just giving another perspective that you can be happy without friends in the long run even though it hurts to start with.

I realised a few years ago that I don't have any friends. I'm not sure that I ever have had friends really. There have been people that I've spent time with as a group while we've been in the same situation (education, hobby, same age kids etc) but it hasn't continued once that thing has ended.

I'm divorced too with a tiny family so when the kids move out if I died suddenly I don't think anyone would notice for weeks.

I have 2 very good friends. I did have 3 but she has disappointed me of late. I am sensitive at the moment and I know she thinks a lot of me, but I feel let down.

Looking back to when I was younger, I was bullied in primary, that has stayed with me through adulthood. I have been a people pleaser all my life, I have seen the light in my 60s though. I’ve never had a group of friends, mostly individual, and that is exactly how it is now.

To be honest I think I’m ok with it, I’m worn out with how fate has treated me so I am
just accepting my lot. It’s not so bad.

Meant to say in my message that I don’t trust easily, that’s also been a factor with friends over the years. I think I may have kept people at arms length. It would make sense that this would have a knock on effect forming connections.

Same here. Can’t make friends and also losing friend. She also doesn’t respond anymore for an unknown reason. I told her I thought our friendship was fizzling out and she said it wasn’t then had no response after that. It’s very sad.

@Iusedtoshopatsafeway I wouldn't write that person off as friendships dont need to have a set pattern of comms. However id observe who was making the effort. Ive gone low effort with a friend because we have a similar family set up as each other and she comes across as boasting. So ive compartmentalised her as a friend from years ago but not someone id be friends with now. I never make time to see her in person.

I treat friendship making as a challenge. Even with school parents, if I meet someone I know would enhance my life, I ensure I see them separately, like arrange a tea, even though I work full time. I suss out the chemistry then really make an effort to nurture it. Essentially I go all out because i want them in my life. There are lots im not fussed about either. If you want that dynamic with anyone, you need to put yourself out there.

I feel exactly the same. My best friend of 10 plus years has sacked me off completely in the past year as she’s in a new relationship, any messages I sent took to get a reply and when I did it was half hearted, no interest etc. another friend moved to Australia so it’s hard to keep in touch and obviously we can’t meet up any more. I don’t have much family around me so I’ve always worked hard on and valued my friendships and I’m finding it really odd suddenly being lonely in my 40’s with no one to send a funny meme or have a voice note chat with.

What sort of groups did you join out of interest?

People are busier in jobs now too and wends are packed. Its hard though. My friend is great will do cinema or shows if Im stuck. Otherwise I be on my own. I tried hobbies and no major friendships through that.

This is great to hear. I need to keep making friends (I have had some success though already) as I have no family. I need my friends to be my family.

Exactly! Some people don't seem to understand that not all of us have lots of relatives. I don't have children (not by choice). I have no siblings (also not my choice). Without these you can't have grandchildren, nieces, nephews etc.

OP why don’t you suggest a night out? Maybe like I did with 2 neighbours who are mums suggest a cinema evening out (with a drink). We did this a lot.

Exactly. I have another neighbour who’s older than me and retired but we love doing brunches or coffees out. We happen to get on despite age difference. My best friend as I said moved back to the area after her job went weird and she resigned, it was also a train ride away. I originally popped round for tea then suggested walks out. With a cafe along the way. It took time and effort though.

Just a social group with Meetup and I run it myself now. I joined the ones in my local town and even the ones in nearby towns. I also pursue other things like, I do ramblers; they are all a lot older than me but still nice to chat to. Other things I do is spinning and weaving and I am in groups for those. Aside from all that, I pursue academics and I'm always on some kind of course. At the moment a Masters but other things I've done is embroider courses, art classes etc.

I have lots of friends because I persevered and I put the effort in.

I have family but they aren't close and I don't want to socialise with them. PLEased you have had some success. I run a meetup group so I meet people all the time who want to make new friends. I always tell them to keep coming because each event has different people and it takes time to get to know people. Even so, a lot of people don't come back or they just joined for dating, which is not what my group is for.

You sound great! Well done on getting involved in so many activities, and it's lovely that you have made so many friends!