Might need to leave home tonight with DS, big fight with H!

[DexterMorgansmum]

Hi I have another thread on here that spans months where I have been waiting and biding my time till son finishes Nat 5s this May for us to leave home, or to ask H to leave - H also said he might leave in August. Things have been strained with some almost normal like days where conversation is pleasant, but some ugly scenes now and then
Think H thinks when push comes to shove we love him and hence we will stay - we do love him as family (with him 23 years) but I dont think we can stay anymore

Today, he had some sort of blow up verbally with DS15 (turns 16 this weekend !, and we are in Scotland) and he asked DS15 to stop rolling his eyes and show respect, he needs to study 2 hours a day etc the usual - suddenly I heard him from upstairs say to DS to leave home and come back when ready to apologise -its 8pm pitch dark cold and lonely at this time of year outside in west lothian outside edinburgh

I went with son which angered H further , we walked around the estate once and came back as I could not walk anymore in the cold - I promised him if he gave a fake apology for now, we could discuss what to do when back upstairs warm and dry
So, my son does not want to wait till summer hols and wants us to leave now - he has already texted his friend and said his father's body langauge was physically threatening toward me , his mum, when I said I was going to go out with him and would not let him walk around alone (instead of siding with H on the too harsh punishment)
I am thinking of either taking a taxi tomm morning and getting a hotel room near DS school as Nat 5 assignments this week and he cant take more than one day off I would have thought at max - or to wait till saturday and then we leave. Hotel till funds run out and find an air bnb /spareroom co.uk/ rental. as early as possible. I have told son if there is any intimidation by H tonight I will call the police , I almost think DS was planning to just stay out as late as he dared tonight if I had not gone with him, and how safe would that have been for him???
I cant let this go on.....

Even though I have known for a while H leaves me with no choice, my mind is still extremely confused about taking this step , now instead of slowly over the summer.
Any advice pls ?

Have you got a bank account he doesn’t know about or at least can’t access? If not set one up and get paperwork sent to a relative or friend. You can then transfer money securely

I will share one thing a child psychologist said to me which was extremely helpful.
Your son’s relationship with his father is your son’s relationship with his father; it’s not your relationship with his father. If your son is 15 going on 16 or 16 even, it is up to him how he relates to his father and how his father relates to him.
The second thing I learned was that what my ex wanted was to continue to control and engage me, once we split and DS was the way he did that. We had to go to court as DS was little. You won’t have to do this. You made the decisions to stay before because your DS was little and you were manipulated and threatened.
But now, here is the thing - the reason you need to get a rental is for you. And your DS is old enough to decide where he wants to spend his time. You have weathered the storm of last night and bought a little time to get yourself out. If you do that, your DS has somewhere to go if he wants to go with you. If he wants to stay in the house with his dad over the summer or split his time, he can also do that. But the decision you make if your son is 16, is the decision which is right for you.
(My DS gets on with his dad fine now as his dad has a new partner and DS just goes when he wants).

thank you @DaffodilTuesday , yes agree.

Yes @gototogo n others, thanks, asked HR re bank account on teams today, and initiated it

Just wanted to send you a hug OP. I’m still in the treading water and planning to leave phase. I’m also an educated professional - but DH makes me feel like a child, so I understand a little of how you feel. You’re incredibly strong. You will feel better when you’re free of him.

Right, so I am not surprised that my son came up to me a while ago and said 'After we come back from London/visiting Aunt a week from saturday - lets just wait till summer to move out mum' - he loves this big house and it's comforts and he has had a good day today where he just chilled out all evening with no one saying he has to do two hours study from 5-7pm.

Be careful you don't give your son too much power here. When it gets to summer, it will be 'after the holidays' because he wants to hang out with his friends. Then he'll be going to college and it will be 'after he's finished'.

You matter in this too, and you have to consider your own needs and your own mental health.

Excellent advice

Sorry, I appreciate you’re in a difficult situation, but absolutely no way would I have left the home and walked around the block with my son. I would have stood up for my son by telling your dh that your son would not be going anywhere, and if he didn’t like it, then that’s just too bad. What an absolute utter arsehole and bully he is.

OP, I read your other thread earlier and one thing which caught my eye was the following.

"Yesterday H came in and sat our son down while I was also in the same room(living room) and told him that he (H) was leaving the UK in July of 2026 once the school year was done - and was moving to the same country where my FIL has retired to - he intends to live the expat retired life there enjoying the low cost of living there - he will be 55 this year (7.5 years older than me) and his dad is 90 - and also be a companion for his dad (his father is still relatively healthy and active and a Carer role is not yet required)."

I've said earlier in this thread that you should see a solicitor this week about the current situation, which is very volatile, but I think that it is imperative that you tell the solicitor what you said in that paragraph as soon as possible.

If your husband is looking at leaving the UK this summer, he may already be identifying various assets and liquidating them/transferring them overseas with a view to preventing any access to them on your part during the divorce process.

Obviously, that you are safe from harm/abuse is paramount, but be aware that he might already be looking at which assets he can move away from the UK in preparation for his life abroad.

Open an online banking account with your bank and transfer your money out of it

I see what you mean, but I thought leaving and cooling off was best for us in that moment - except it was freezing not cooling outside - and I made us double back in like less than 10 minutes as I literally could not walk even if son wanted to.

The point was H said apologise or leave till ready to apologise to DS - yes I thought DS had nothing to apologise for too and asking him to walk outside in dark and cold was not acceptable. But I waited till early this morning to say that to DH that it was unacceptable on text when he would have gone back to temporary sanity not anger mode - but you are right I do see that.

I can also see that in 10 pages of this thread not a single person said I was overreacting and it is normal to want the kids to get all As and to study two hours every evening and asking them to time out outside the house at 8 pm is acceptable.

Time out for a 16 year old ?? for getting only 4 A2s and 4 Bs? Is it safe for teens to walk outside in the cold winter? I hear news all the time of missing teens ffs. Yet H looks at me like I am the crazy one , it is so hard to not believe it in the moment , coming here gives me perspective as does talking Dsis/ best friend from school+ best friend from uni who all know. My mother is from a different era and is not my go to person for balanced advice on H, she falls for his gaslighting and crazy making a lot

@Livelovebehappy also recalling , I heard all this from upstairs and my son coolly saying I wont be apologising I did not roll my eyes at you and I have studied enough for today , okay I will go outside and take a walk' and proceed ever so coolly to get his coat and shoes on while I was scrambling around to get more layers on for outside and shoes, bag , coat terrified I would not make it on time before my son vanished into the dark.

He sounds such an awful bully OP, it really does seem sensible to remove yourself and your son as soon as possible and not wait for this fantasy day in the summer.

H had had the cheek to lock the door behind us when we left even though we don't usually lock up till bedtimes

So I had to ring the bell, he did not ask for the apology before letting DS in and I strode past him even before the door was open as the bloody rain and cold had my bladder screaming urgently - I am 47 with perimeno and fibroids

Sometimes he does weak/semi apologise a few days later ' My God I was wrong to be hard on DS/you wasn't I - it was a bad day at work - yada yada' but this is unacceptable at this point.

He needs mental health counselling /therapy/support and me & DS leaving is the only way to force him to get it, for his own sake and DS sake

Nobody with more than 3 working brain cells is going to say that your husband is a reasonable man, or that his approach to your son is normal.
Outsiders do have a different, cooler, less emotional perspective on what you describe than those immediately involved.

When you have opened your new bank account, please do not transfer any money from the joint account until you are safely on the train and away, don't give any hint of what is really happening, it may well be that the account sends notifications to both
account holders whenever a transaction takes place.

Good luck!

Does it have to be you who gives up the home? Is it owned/rented/jointly? Does his behaviour justify him being "required" to leave in order to safeguard the child? I hope you have good support and access to legal advice.

This whole thread is making me furious on your behalf, OP. The locking you out was designed to humiliate and put you in your place.

I've had this with a narc ex in the past. I know you're making plans and putting everything in place but PLEASE don't hang around any longer than you have to. It never will be the perfect time to leave. DS will look back when he is older and thank you for taking charge.

I have been here, I understand. One thing I do know is that the relief you feel when you're finally away, even if you start again with nothing is immense. Life will be calm. I bet you have forgotten what inner peace feels like.

Good luck OP, you've got this.

DS just came and said he wants to go with his dad tomorrow morning per usual to get dropped to his ride to school - he had earlier said he was taking a stand and walking instead. I told him okay , whatever he is comfortable with of course.

I told DS we are still moving out asap when back from half term and not waiting till summer, and he can visit his dad whenever he wants/stay over when he wants, he said he will visit maybe one or two days a month , again that is up to him.

Another option is to apply for divorce yourself

Investigate
next week when you are away

You won't leave him, you're making excuse after excuse after excuse.

Go on open rent right now and arrange viewings for two bed flats and get out. You owe your ds that, not pandering to the twat you live with and running away pissing money up the wall on Airbnb.

I would now stop telling your son things , of yoit plan, as you are not out of the woods and it seems your son is a bit torn to be honest. As parents, sometimes we need to keep them out of adult issues and tell them things in a matter of fact way. In this case I know you have prepared your son for what’s ahead but can I ou 100% trust your son won’t say something to his dad? I don’t mean your son will be acting maliciously but he might be scared to leave ect.

Thank you that is my worst fear that I will back down this time too @BoarBrush

I already contacted my friend who is in the rental agency business here near the Gyle and she is looking at one beds with a sofa bed for me in the living room or reasonably priced two beds in the area we used to live in during DS primary school days as city center also looks expensive

I will always have H's voice in my ear asking me not to spend ANY money even after I leave after 23 years of hearing it everyday - I barely spend any of my salary on any given month, after school fees, mortgage and council fees going out there isn't that much left but what little there is, he makes me feel extremely guilty spending on shopping or holiday - he generously spends on groceries and other bills like insurance and also generously tops my account and puts his salary into joint savings (as far as I know)

I am also managing to hunt down the tiniest Air B&B lets known to man so don't worry - I just think we need the half term break well away from here and this nonsense, I am so looking forward to it now. My sister will put us up happily if I do not book anywhere too, but we cant really talk about anything important with her H there mostly wfh too at hers.

Agree yes thanks @AnonAnonmystery

@DexterMorgansmum I wasn’t wearing my glasses so sorry for the incoherent message / spelling.
Your husband is an A grade abuser as he manages to pull your son back in by being “nice” after a cycle of abuse. This is what abusers do sadly. When they are nice it makes us doubt ourselves, makes us question if we are the problem and that maybe we are just over reacting?

I feel so awful for you. I was in a similar situation over twenty years ago. I know you said you want it to be gentle for your H, but for safety's sake for you and DS, inform the police of your plans for the morning and ask for their support. Don't feel that you are overreacting , or worry about H's reaction. In terms of school, explain everyrhing to them and ask for their support. They will want to help. Open a Monzo account immediately and transfer any money straight away so that you are able to support yourselves. Good luck. Better things are ahead.

Yes, @AnonAnonmystery he appears to have reeled DS in with just one day of peace and quiet nothing more - this is how I was throughout my 20s with H and DS is only a teen so its not on DS ofc.

I only just noted that two hours ago, H had put on group about a sports thing on saturday , his way of asking DS if the two of them should go to it

DS has put ' but we will be in London then won't we on saturday....' Aarrrrrrgh

H has then left the family group so its just me and DS now - presumably offended he wasn't 'invited' to the trip given DS 16 birthday upcoming during half term
He seems to be holding the victim card now and DS seems confused or I dont know what DS is thinking about this evening apart from Anime, Dexter and his best mates recent break up. But I have ten pages of this thread to remind me I am not crazy , I am not overreacting, it WAS abusive what we faced yesterday and we are leaving.