Might need to leave home tonight with DS, big fight with H!

[DexterMorgansmum]

Hi I have another thread on here that spans months where I have been waiting and biding my time till son finishes Nat 5s this May for us to leave home, or to ask H to leave - H also said he might leave in August. Things have been strained with some almost normal like days where conversation is pleasant, but some ugly scenes now and then
Think H thinks when push comes to shove we love him and hence we will stay - we do love him as family (with him 23 years) but I dont think we can stay anymore

Today, he had some sort of blow up verbally with DS15 (turns 16 this weekend !, and we are in Scotland) and he asked DS15 to stop rolling his eyes and show respect, he needs to study 2 hours a day etc the usual - suddenly I heard him from upstairs say to DS to leave home and come back when ready to apologise -its 8pm pitch dark cold and lonely at this time of year outside in west lothian outside edinburgh

I went with son which angered H further , we walked around the estate once and came back as I could not walk anymore in the cold - I promised him if he gave a fake apology for now, we could discuss what to do when back upstairs warm and dry
So, my son does not want to wait till summer hols and wants us to leave now - he has already texted his friend and said his father's body langauge was physically threatening toward me , his mum, when I said I was going to go out with him and would not let him walk around alone (instead of siding with H on the too harsh punishment)
I am thinking of either taking a taxi tomm morning and getting a hotel room near DS school as Nat 5 assignments this week and he cant take more than one day off I would have thought at max - or to wait till saturday and then we leave. Hotel till funds run out and find an air bnb /spareroom co.uk/ rental. as early as possible. I have told son if there is any intimidation by H tonight I will call the police , I almost think DS was planning to just stay out as late as he dared tonight if I had not gone with him, and how safe would that have been for him???
I cant let this go on.....

Even though I have known for a while H leaves me with no choice, my mind is still extremely confused about taking this step , now instead of slowly over the summer.
Any advice pls ?

@DexterMorgansmum

"....and puts his salary into joint savings (as far as I know)"

You don't know? It's a joint account, you legally have access to it. You should be checking the balance on a regular basis.

ETA I agree with PP that you now need to keep your son out of the loop. I'm sure he's a wonderful kid, but teens are apt to just blurt things out (as he's just done). If he asks you just say "I'm figuring all that out" and change the subject.

@DexterMorgansmum I'm in Edinburgh. Are you on EGG on Facebook. You can post anonymously there and people may be able to help with accommodation and advice locally free of charge

Of course it is abusive, and you are trauma bonded, as is your DS.

I'm very sorry. I hope you make it out.

Please call the police and women’s aid and tell you need help leaving. They need to arrest him and get you a non mol so he can’t come near you.

H has then left the family group so its just me and DS now - presumably offended he wasn't 'invited' to the trip given DS 16 birthday upcoming during half term

Didn't you say earlier that he was invited but categorically refused to join?

OP said "H had already said he would not come, even though actually I did not invite him"

are you driving or taking the train. If it’s train I can help. 1) you can come with me on the train for free from Edinburgh to London or 2) I can help you with discounted tickets. Please message me if you’re looking at trains but understand if not!

OP you are living with an abuser you have been since before your son turned six. I wasn’t going to comment as it’s close to how my life was once.

When my son was also six so was I, I had to put my sons best interests first and we left with nothing. I assumed he would kill me but I would get my son away. I’m still here to tell the tale and that was over 25years ago. I had a terrible court case as well and i became the only legal parent our address was unknown to ex and so on to make sure he couldn’t damage my sons life any further.

you owe your son this. No more excuses no more anything even the exams are irrelevant. You pack a bag for each of you and you leave, you don’t tell your son the plans you don’t tell anyone the plans. You chuck phones in the bin and get new ones. You get on a train and go anywhere new. You open a new bank account he cannot access . And you rebuild your life and yourself. Your son deserves the best version of his mum and the best life for himself. (All of your doubts are from the abuse I do understand).

There’s rail to refuge free train travel btw with wa. If your refuge is family the free travel should still be available you to get you somewhere safe.

Why can’t you talk about it with you sister’s husband there?

I’m sorry to say but you wouldn’t get a council rental for quite some time, even if they make you a priority

Thank you so much for sharing your story @OneNewEagle , I am glad you got clean away and your son and you survived and thrived , 25 years on. Stay blessed, so brave .......
I think with H though he will be egged on by what he will see as drama if I do anything remotely heroic, I need to leave in an extremely boring way , like greyrock,

'I live near the school you know why nothing more to say , all been said ad nauseaum, you will always be the good guy in this story in your head and I won't argue with you, maybe you did the best you knew how in your own way, but I should have left during that 10 day holiday you kidnapped DS to way back when and had a rental ready for when DS came back right near his primary, Not too late, you finally are free to find what you truly deserve - that 25 year old victoria secret model lookalike who is a Rocket scientist and cooks like your mum did and disciplined her and your new kids if they won't get an A*, its been surreal but I got DS out of it so I can't bring myself to regret it unbelievably'

They have their own marital problems and are plodding along - albeit no abuse

OP: your DS is a teen. He will most likely still love his father. He will want security, stability and what he already knows / has known his entire life. He will want to desperately believe that things get better. That things will be better now.

You should absolutely listen to your DS. You should absolutely stand up for him. But you can’t put this on him by letting him make the decisions. That’s not his responsibility and he is not mature enough to understand how insidious and damaging this situation is.

So in my opinion: Leave or make your H leave. Get advice from a solicitor and women’s aid. Your son is already 16. Why make him live the last few years of being a teenager with an abuser? You’ll also risk him moving out as soon as possible and ending up alone with your H. Is that what you want?

I totally agree with this. Happened to me for many many years until eventually we split

So sorry you're going through this OP. Just a thought adding from all the others, please turn off your location on both your phone and your son's, just incase he tries to find out where you are. Good luck x

Thank you free tickets is astonishingly kind, H has done a number on my ability to trust in real life though (I am so sorry if that sounds rude, not my intention, bue I do not trust my own judgement or my own shadow rn) , it will take a while or more after leaving him to begin to be the old me again..........

I have the money in my account still there will book either train or flight by tonight, thx again xxxxxx

I agree unfortunately.

I agree with Boarbrush. So sad.

@DexterMorgansmum I think you need to stop running through everything with your ds.

Remember, he has two parents. Yes he has had a spat with his father, but this is clearly not the first and they still seemingly have a relationship.

You can leave and divorce your husband, but he is always going to be ds's father. And in his life most likely.

In a way you are making him choose.

If you are going to leave your dh, then just go ahead and do it. Your ds will still see his father no doubt, and will most likely live between the two of you until he is self sufficient enough to live alone.

You seem to be feeding off what your ds wants to do. He cannot make that decision. It must be down to you, to make the decision and follow though with it.

Thank you @Highlighta - yes agree with you and @PumpkinsAndCoconuts totally on this. Re he will ofc always be dad to DS but DS still needs me to leave just as badly for myself and for him, so he has a safe place to go to always.

In a way it makes it easier, on tues night when we were going to leave the very next morning and DS was saying call the police lets tell them he hit you even if he didnt , lets get dad taken away and keep the house to ourselves - I felt twinges of sadness for H that he seemingly had completely lost everyone , he lost me years ago in spirit and now the one person on earth except a 90 year old probable Paedo who used to be loyal and look up to him now hates him too.

But after DS's anger disappeared in 24 hours (he woke his dad up this morning and asked for a ride to his pick up point, which ofc he can and should do, but I did not make coffee for his dad that I usually do implicitly in return for him dropping DS \92 minutes drive to drop DS), after I have fed DS breakfast , gave him ironed uniform etc) , now I actually less mixed feelings on moving asap to leave H completely because I am less sorry for him, if that makes sense

Sent STBXH message this morning ' DS and I are off to London weekend for XX workshop and back on XX , feel free to do a birthday lunch or what have you with DS when he is back, if he still wants to with you after the way you behaved with him tuesday....'

Thank God no reply, but I dont think I could ever have kidnapped or ever will even tho DS is grown now and can obviously text the other parent where he is unless he does not wish to, the way H did ten years ago for a holiday /teach me a lesson extravaganza for wanting a divorce.

DO NOT FALTER! This man has undermined you for years and it's evident in your indecision. This will only get worse and you will become a shrunken shadow of yourself.

Don't let your son see this modelled behaviour, that you're willing to put up with such abuse and disrespect. He will learn to carry it forward into his relationships.

You have held down a responsible ,well paid job and have a child you are raising to be a respectful man.
FIND YOUR ANGER and divorce the abuser.

Each and every time he is out of the house, gather all the paperwork/ info and valuables and secret stuff away to prepare for your leaving.

You say "he puts some of his salary into joint savings"....find out where and make records of everything ready for your divorce lawyer.
You are entitled to at least 50% of everything if not more.

And remember....henceforth.... THIS MAN IS NOT YOUR FRIEND so plan.
Don't use your son as a sounding board given its likely he will in future live between two homes.💐

You really need to disengage with H.

There is no need to tell him what he can do with your son OR to tell him off for his latest misbehaviour.

Turn off location on your phone.

Whilst you are away, buy a new phone, take charge of all the apps in there.

Get grip of your finances, open your own account associated with your new phone. Have your pay deposited there.

Rescue your poor son from this appalling situation.

If you are really lucky and you totally grey rock H, he will throw a tantrum and you will be able to call the police and you will not have to move.

Stop feeling sorry for him and do your best to get him out of your house (or permanently leave yourself). You do not owe your H consideration. Especially not if that makes you indecisive or leads you to star.

To give you some personal information: I was a child, teenager and young adult who had to deal with a parent whose mental illness and addiction made them abusive.

I did not want to leave. I always managed to “patch over” the hurt, make myself temporarily forget the outbursts and fear etc.

Maybe I am projecting. But DS is IMO used to this. Used to dealing with the switch up etc. And not old and mature enough to see the tactic behind this behaviour.

he still needs you. And I can tell you (from experience) that it isn’t fun to come to terms with the fact that the “healthy” / non-abusive parent did not protect you. And it definitely doesn’t improve parent-child relationships longterm…

You still have a short window of time to step up and protect your DS. Don’t miss it. Because that opportunity will never ever return.

edit: I hope I am not being too harsh. But as pp said: do not falter. Disengage from DH and do not put this on your DS. If he thinks that you’re leaving because he wanted you to / said so, he may very well end up feeling guilty. Which would make him a much easier target for his F’s manipulative tactics.