Might need to leave home tonight with DS, big fight with H!

[DexterMorgansmum]

Hi I have another thread on here that spans months where I have been waiting and biding my time till son finishes Nat 5s this May for us to leave home, or to ask H to leave - H also said he might leave in August. Things have been strained with some almost normal like days where conversation is pleasant, but some ugly scenes now and then
Think H thinks when push comes to shove we love him and hence we will stay - we do love him as family (with him 23 years) but I dont think we can stay anymore

Today, he had some sort of blow up verbally with DS15 (turns 16 this weekend !, and we are in Scotland) and he asked DS15 to stop rolling his eyes and show respect, he needs to study 2 hours a day etc the usual - suddenly I heard him from upstairs say to DS to leave home and come back when ready to apologise -its 8pm pitch dark cold and lonely at this time of year outside in west lothian outside edinburgh

I went with son which angered H further , we walked around the estate once and came back as I could not walk anymore in the cold - I promised him if he gave a fake apology for now, we could discuss what to do when back upstairs warm and dry
So, my son does not want to wait till summer hols and wants us to leave now - he has already texted his friend and said his father's body langauge was physically threatening toward me , his mum, when I said I was going to go out with him and would not let him walk around alone (instead of siding with H on the too harsh punishment)
I am thinking of either taking a taxi tomm morning and getting a hotel room near DS school as Nat 5 assignments this week and he cant take more than one day off I would have thought at max - or to wait till saturday and then we leave. Hotel till funds run out and find an air bnb /spareroom co.uk/ rental. as early as possible. I have told son if there is any intimidation by H tonight I will call the police , I almost think DS was planning to just stay out as late as he dared tonight if I had not gone with him, and how safe would that have been for him???
I cant let this go on.....

Even though I have known for a while H leaves me with no choice, my mind is still extremely confused about taking this step , now instead of slowly over the summer.
Any advice pls ?

I was about to post something similar to this, agree with all of the above and would add the point to have your salary moved over to the new account.

Im worried that you mentioned Airbnb as a way to let him "cool down". Please look at support from wa and rentals and don't keep going back to him, however temporary, as your back up option.

get a new phone!

I was on your other thread, god how things were escalating - I don’t think you could do another 2 years of this lovely. I hope you both get to England safe and have a bloody good time and rest your head. You have been in fight or flight mode for far too long @DexterMorgansmum

Darling, I think your employers will be understanding given the reasons why you'll need the time off, no?

Hi, I have experience of working in social services in West Lothian. You can also contact DASAT, it stands for Domestic Abuse and Sexual Assault Team. They are very helpful, they have their own dedicated housing officer who could support you with accessing temp accommodation in WL. They can give you your own worker to support you with making safety plans and if you stay in WL in temp accommodation they can support you to ensure the temp accommodation is safe.

Hi OP.

As someone who lived through DA as a child, I can absolutely 100% say that you are so brave. I wish my mother had left earlier. You are amazing. Sending hugs xx

Hi OP. I agree with previous comments about Monzo-their verification is a selfie video and maybe driving license or passport, and you can get the card sent to any address (so would recommend it goes to your sisters!) you can then get your wages paid into that account. If payday is soon, contact HR, explain situation, ask for it to be temp paid into your sisters account and they should be able to do so.

OP should be contacting a solicitor to try to get an injunction and occupation order until end of exams.

There are 2 ways to get an emergency injunction - physical violence or threat of physical violence.

First OP should report to the police the incident at the weekend as follows:

• Verbal abuse from husband to son after which son was excluded from family home for a period at night.

• DS’s concern that DH’s body language was physically threatening (if he mentioned that in text to his friend that will be supporting evidence)

Second, put it on record that they’re both fleeing the house for a week to stay with DSIS but this is not tenable long term due to DS exams.

Nope. You need to tell work today and contact solicitors today.

Ask work for permission to make Teams appt with solicitors so you can do online thus limiting time off.

Thanks everyone, have read through and noted all the suggestions and tips and my to lists have to do lists but will get sorted for Saturday with some to do's for next week.

I tried leaving when son was 6 - H said he would never ever stand by and watch me try and rebuild with someone else , would never accept another hypothetical man playing dad to his kid e.t.c - I tried convincing him I would stay nearby and we could each have DS 3.5 days a week
He decided to 'teach me a lesson I would never forget' and took excited 6 year old on holiday for ten days without running it past me (came home to it) - I ended up being 'grateful' that he was keeping me updated everyday every few hours with happy pics of DS enjoying the holiday. I was grateful he kept DS safe without losing him in a crowd or forgetting to keep an eye on him in a park when climbing and playing , and a million other potential dangers I was paranoid about)
I never talked of leaving again for a very very long time - I played right into his hands. I was left with PTSD from those ten days as I worried myself sick for DS safety and also missing him that I fell sick halfway through and had to cope with blood pressure diagnosis e.t.c. right after

@Aluna, @EternalFogInMyNotSoSpoltlessMind and others, thanks I did look up DASAT and apart from housing help, I can see counselling is on offer too, I probably still have recurring anxiety from the PTSD and should be talking to someone for that - also checking into whether it is on offer through work - I had been meaning to progress so many things but thought I had time till the summer at the very least and potentially upto 2028 uni entry, till now

He is full time work from home remote, as am I - maybe that is why I want to wait to travel on saturday before making all those calls.

You can message your work HR on teams and explain you’re not able to talk

@DexterMorgansmum I think after reading both your posts, your son is also becoming a direct victim of domestic abuse. Your husband seems like a cruel bastard taking your son away on holiday like that. It’s very clear he’s been slowly torturing you for years. However here you are, making necessary and brave decisions. Life on the otherside will be ordinary but priceless and fear free I hope. Please be very very careful right now. Do not hint at anything, lock your phone and laptop and keep everything top secret: I cannot wait for Saturday to cone for you and your son x

I haven't RTFT but DH has ringfences on our phones and is alerted when we cross in or out of an area e.g. a mile from home.
I don't know if it's part of Find My Friends, which we all have on each other, but since your H is also the techie one it is worth being aware, and maybe turning off your phones before you leave till you are safely away.

I really think the key here is to ensure you can leave safely. So act normal, be tech savvy and stay safe x

What an evil man your soon to be ex is, @DexterMorgansmum . I wish you success in your escape. Sending positive vibes, cannot add to any of the good advice already given.

So, he will be gone on Saturday for you to make those calls or will you and DS make up a reason to be out of the house?

Just be very cautious. I don't know exactly why, but abusers seem to have a 6th sense when we've started to pull away and/or quietly making exit plans. I don't know if we give off subtle 'vibes' or if there's some change in our facial expressions. So just be aware of your behaviour. Might not be a bad idea to randomly say you think you have a cold/flu coming on if it seems like he's acting oddly. That might throw him off the scent.

Good luck.

Just keep yourselves both safe as a priority op. Sister sounds a good idea. You can sort the rest with her support from the safety of her home.

Have you got your passports yet?

You can report those lost or stolen if @DexterMorgansmum can’t get hold of them.

You’re being so brave and strong, hold hard both of you, you will get away

OP, as someone who left with their kids, please don't do what i did. Get him removed from the house. Ask him to leave and if he refuses/gets abusive, pick up the phone and call the police. I know its easier said than done, but please contact womens aid and work out a plan with them.

Thanks MNers , will do

Right, so I am not surprised that my son came up to me a while ago and said 'After we come back from London/visiting Aunt a week from saturday - lets just wait till summer to move out mum' - he loves this big house and it's comforts and he has had a good day today where he just chilled out all evening with no one saying he has to do two hours study from 5-7pm. I had sent a message to his father this morning that said 'you have completely ruined your own relationship with your son, and you will have zero chance of EVER winning back ANY of his loyalty and affection if you can't see that' maybe that was why H backed off the whole evening military routine that he was forcing on a child who is just not interested in all A1s.

I also noted that DS put the score screenshot on a game he had done well on the group with his father and me so his dad could see he had done really well (I think it was a good score) - a game his dad plays too a lot

I also further noted DS asked me why I was making dinner only for two and not extra to leave on the kitchen counter for his father.

I think I am going to have to be the grown up here and I still think I should get the rental (probably council rental) near school sooner rather than later. I should move out for sure with DS and let him study at a reasonable and steady pace an help him achieve his goals but not force push him to his goals - and I think if DS feels his dad his changing towards him slowly and wants to spend some more time with him (hopefully not more than every other weekend) till HS graduation - then he should be free to make that decision. But make it clear to his father that he will chose never to come over if there are any pushy/bullying behaviours again

If I lose momentum now it will be square one again from the summer in many ways.

@JanuaryBug thanks, I may have mentioned this on my older thread but H had told us a week or two ago that he intends to leave us if the Nat 5 results were all less than As and move for his retirement to an Island - not sure if he was talking hot air or he really will leave and leave the family home to us.
But that does not mean I have to wait till Nat 5 results to get a rental - I can always move back into family home if he leaves. This is too big anyway for a single parent with one kid, it was too big for two adults and a kid when we bought it but we thought post pandemic two home offices was a good idea , plus he runs his side hustle from the extra space at home

Your H won’t leave because of exam results. That is yet another example of threats and manipulation/coercion.

Just wanted to wish you and your son the very best @DexterMorgansmum . I think you are very brave 🍀