Might need to leave home tonight with DS, big fight with H!

[DexterMorgansmum]

Hi I have another thread on here that spans months where I have been waiting and biding my time till son finishes Nat 5s this May for us to leave home, or to ask H to leave - H also said he might leave in August. Things have been strained with some almost normal like days where conversation is pleasant, but some ugly scenes now and then
Think H thinks when push comes to shove we love him and hence we will stay - we do love him as family (with him 23 years) but I dont think we can stay anymore

Today, he had some sort of blow up verbally with DS15 (turns 16 this weekend !, and we are in Scotland) and he asked DS15 to stop rolling his eyes and show respect, he needs to study 2 hours a day etc the usual - suddenly I heard him from upstairs say to DS to leave home and come back when ready to apologise -its 8pm pitch dark cold and lonely at this time of year outside in west lothian outside edinburgh

I went with son which angered H further , we walked around the estate once and came back as I could not walk anymore in the cold - I promised him if he gave a fake apology for now, we could discuss what to do when back upstairs warm and dry
So, my son does not want to wait till summer hols and wants us to leave now - he has already texted his friend and said his father's body langauge was physically threatening toward me , his mum, when I said I was going to go out with him and would not let him walk around alone (instead of siding with H on the too harsh punishment)
I am thinking of either taking a taxi tomm morning and getting a hotel room near DS school as Nat 5 assignments this week and he cant take more than one day off I would have thought at max - or to wait till saturday and then we leave. Hotel till funds run out and find an air bnb /spareroom co.uk/ rental. as early as possible. I have told son if there is any intimidation by H tonight I will call the police , I almost think DS was planning to just stay out as late as he dared tonight if I had not gone with him, and how safe would that have been for him???
I cant let this go on.....

Even though I have known for a while H leaves me with no choice, my mind is still extremely confused about taking this step , now instead of slowly over the summer.
Any advice pls ?

Open a revolut. You can do it online and then can use it immediately.

OP, please be extremely careful until you have left on Saturday. Do nothing that might give H a hint that you won't be returning. You are downplaying how dangerous this situation potentially is - don't say to yourself "he would never be violent" because there are loads of women every year in the UK who probably thought the same who are sadly no longer with us.

For free temporary accommodation can I suggest you join a UK house sitter site and see what is on offer. I belong to House and Pet Sitting UK on Facebook and you can reply by private message to any posts from people needing free housesitting. There was one in Edinburgh quite recently and they are all over the country so you might even find one near your sister or in London for next week (it's school half term next week so lots of posts for people needing someone last minute). It will make your money go further even if you have to use the odd hotel/B&B in between. Some can be 2-3 weeks or even longer.

Good luck and stay focused and positive. Whatever you do - make this the last time you leave.

Hi Op. if you work for who I think then speak to your HR as they have done a push on DV recently. They will help ensure your salary is paid into another account for example.

your bank should also assist in quickly setting you up a separate account

I think the Saturday plan is sensible. Can you keep out of his way as much as possible until then? If you’re near a local leisure centre or library just go there so you’re out of the house while your ds is at school.
I do think it can be very overwhelming to try and make so many big life decisions in one go when you are already anxious and upset. I think the best thing you can do is go away on Saturday, speak to your family and try and make a sensible, long term plan from there. With support. A jumbled plan in the middle of the night will not be controlled and well thought through.

Ok I’m near Edinburgh and if it’s the school I’m thinking of it might be then they’d be very helpful and I’d let them know everything in a private meeting.
Obviously you don’t need to disclose which school.
Definitely let your employers know , get a new bank account set up today for your salary to go into .
Also contact Women’s Aid , a close friend of one of my children approached them when in a family situation where she was at risk .
She was given a city flat in Edinburgh in a perfectly decent neighbourhood.
Then went on to be allocated another flat in an incredibly convenient and nice neighbourhood

I honestly don't think you should be working out a temporary plan - there's no point in going away for a couple of weeks and then stepping back into the same situation. You need a permanent plan that is less dramatic. Is there DV in this relationship? Do you ever have discussions with H when emotions are lower? Are you driven by the high emotion moments? it's impossible to think straight in those situations.

@DexterMorgansmum OP it sounds like you’ve made the right decision along with your son.

Apologies if I’ve missed it, what about your work? You’d said you’ve got a senior corporate function in an earlier post - will they let you take a one-week holiday without much notice give your seniority? Or can you wfh?

Good luck OP. I agree with contacting WA; if he is abusive then he can potentially be excluded from the family home (although this would need police involvement IIRC). I went through this with my EX DP, and the exclusion gave me head space (much needed, as these levels of stress affect your ability to think clearly.

As a note of encouragement, after separation myself and my teenage son flourished. Leaving was definitely the best thing. This part is probably the worst and it does get better. Do think of rhe future and what you'd like to do next.

For now, you and your son's safety are paramount. Put that at the centre of every decision and things fall into place around it.

As a footnote, my son got straight A''s in Highers and AHs, and is applying for PHD places in his f8nal year of university. He came through this and so can you both. We have a lovely relationship, and if i had stayed his life would probably be much worse. We travelled together throughout Canada and USA post separation.

Put yourself and your son first, not your husband. It is also tempting to keep on good terms with the ex to try to facilitate the father/son relationship... from experience this doesn't work.

Please reach out if I can help, you can probably tell by the user name that I am not far.

Can you change your payment details
with work so the money doesn’t go into the shared account.

buy a couple of phones for when you leave.

go on Friday night not Saturday. Can you take a half day? Pack up yours and DSs stuff put it in a locker at the train station. Meet DS after school and go straight there

First bit of great news in the past 15 hours ! Air BnBs for a whole week 14-21 feb school mid term week in South West England in the town my sister lives, in an hour by train outside London waterloo, are so much cheaper than Edinburgh Air BnBs and looking more available /not fully booked up as well forcing us to move every few nights !

The match at Murrayfield that a PP mentioned might be part of the reason for why the air bnbs here look so high for next week

I strongly suggest that you speak to the school & tell them that you are having issues. Schools have links to all sorts of help & contacts with all sorts of people that can help you & your son.

Your priority is the safety of yourself & your son.

Stop worrying about your exHusband.

Look at prices for Travelodge & Premier Inns.

Good luck

Can get a day or two next week at short notice and must work remote the rest

There are lots of deadlines to complete today to friday as well before travel

This. Leave ASAP. If son can stay with grandparents or other safe place temporarily maybe he should go first.

Apologies. I posted before reading updates.

Thank you yes, and the school know about 2023 as well already, will speak to form teacher and head of S3/S4 - both are lovely.

@DexterMorgansmum

Have you arranged to see a solicitor this week, OP?

I really think that you should.

Thank you so much for sharing your story , got a bit teary in a good way , so glad it worked out for you and your son

Nice to see so many of you are not far off ....has felt very supportive......thanks

@DexterMorgansmum I'm not far from you, msg me if you need anything

Worried about asking time off this week with wanting a day or two next week and going to wait till next week to let boss know re situation at home as well as speak to solicitors

There is no custody sharing that the court needs to enforce as I understand it from 16+ , DS can now choose and it is upto H to be nice and a better dad (if he is capable of that) if he wants to see him even two days a month

which is why I backed off ten years ago from leaving when H said he would fight dirty with a SHLawyer to make sure I never saw my son etc etc

@DexterMorgansmum

I would try to see a solicitor before the weekend. The situation sounds very volatile and you are not going to be at home for a week.

Find a suitable one near you, so that you can at least make an appointment. You may be able to see someone first thing or around the end of the working day.

www.lawscot.org.uk/find-a-solicitor/

The school should have a safe guarding team which your son & yourself should be referred to today.
Please ask the school today

You've had some excellent advice here. Proud of you for making this change in your life.

Set up a Revolut or Monzo account now (takes five mins) and move your money into that, also contact your employer and tell them to pay salary into that from now on.

Never be alone with your husband again.

When women leave they are at the absolute most risk of violence and being killed. I’m not sugar coating it because there is firm statistical evidence that this happens. If he threatens anything like he is going to kill himself do not react. A friends of mines husband threatened this, I said he won’t but what if he did? It would save solicitors fees and you would get his death in service and it is ultimately his decision. I know that’s harsh but I escaped DV when I was very young and my life was at risk and he did some awful things to me. I have zero time for DV perpetrators which is what he is.

OP I can understand why you've stayed until Saturday but please be as safe as you can.

Use these few days to prepare. Try to act as normally as you can in the meantime.

• Contact women's aid.
• Tell the school. Everything. Including that you're looking for somewhere to stay near school.
• Set up a new bank account, online via your work laptop.
• Buy a new pay as you go phone and hide it somewhere. At work/in your /in the cleaning cupboard (somewhere he won't come across it.)
• Book an appointment with a solicitor.

Maybe a zoom on your lunch break?!

• Does your work offer free counselling? I'd really really recommend some that's just for you.

I was the poster who said try and get all your documents. Only take it out of his safe if you can do so without him knowing. You don't want to risk him realising you are making plans.

I think you’ve made a wise decision not to go early hours this morning. Take your time, plan it, don’t get into arguments x