Might need to leave home tonight with DS, big fight with H!

[DexterMorgansmum]

Hi I have another thread on here that spans months where I have been waiting and biding my time till son finishes Nat 5s this May for us to leave home, or to ask H to leave - H also said he might leave in August. Things have been strained with some almost normal like days where conversation is pleasant, but some ugly scenes now and then
Think H thinks when push comes to shove we love him and hence we will stay - we do love him as family (with him 23 years) but I dont think we can stay anymore

Today, he had some sort of blow up verbally with DS15 (turns 16 this weekend !, and we are in Scotland) and he asked DS15 to stop rolling his eyes and show respect, he needs to study 2 hours a day etc the usual - suddenly I heard him from upstairs say to DS to leave home and come back when ready to apologise -its 8pm pitch dark cold and lonely at this time of year outside in west lothian outside edinburgh

I went with son which angered H further , we walked around the estate once and came back as I could not walk anymore in the cold - I promised him if he gave a fake apology for now, we could discuss what to do when back upstairs warm and dry
So, my son does not want to wait till summer hols and wants us to leave now - he has already texted his friend and said his father's body langauge was physically threatening toward me , his mum, when I said I was going to go out with him and would not let him walk around alone (instead of siding with H on the too harsh punishment)
I am thinking of either taking a taxi tomm morning and getting a hotel room near DS school as Nat 5 assignments this week and he cant take more than one day off I would have thought at max - or to wait till saturday and then we leave. Hotel till funds run out and find an air bnb /spareroom co.uk/ rental. as early as possible. I have told son if there is any intimidation by H tonight I will call the police , I almost think DS was planning to just stay out as late as he dared tonight if I had not gone with him, and how safe would that have been for him???
I cant let this go on.....

Even though I have known for a while H leaves me with no choice, my mind is still extremely confused about taking this step , now instead of slowly over the summer.
Any advice pls ?

@DexterMorgansmum

Why are you scared?

Genuine question - does it matter if they ask questions? Is there someone you could trust where you could say H is abusive and controlling? I do get that, in some cultures, there is perceived shame in leaving a marriage, even if it’s abusive. Is this the case?

Aaargh

I posted a JPG here but it didnt show

Maybe see solicitor before you set any plans in motion to go to England. You dont want to end up renting in Watford while paying mortgage because STBXH refuses to move out. Solicitor will know what is best process. Great news that school fees saving will cover cost of uni fees. Ask solicitor about how you avoid son being whisked away if STBXH has parental rights.

You’re not listening to anyone - you’ve had great advice on here since February, and now you’ve finally decided to take action you’re doing the exact opposite of what every poster has recommended.

It’s not about you having a community near your family etc, it’s about giving your DS the best chance to finish his school education, stay close to friends and apply for uni without incurring massive debts.

Why are you so set on moving to fucking Watford, when staying local will be the best thing for your DS? Is it another stalling tactic as it means you don’t actually have to take any action? You’ll start looking for places in Watford, your DS will stay with his dad, you’ll go and stay with family for a weekend to look at rental places and then go home when your H apologises and says he wishes you were home. Then you start the whole “wait 2 years” bullshit again.

Either make your peace with staying put or make a change that benefits your son. This half assed half plan isn’t it.

I agree with this 100%.

I honestly feel sorry for the DS - the plans seem to change from day to day and there's no stability for him. Really unsettling and not what he needs when he has important exams.

@DexterMorgansmum why are you so insistent on going to Watford when your own sister has said to not go there. You said you want to slip away due to your local community not understanding or turning against you/gossiping about you, and yet it seems you would not be welcome in Watford. What makes you think you will be happy there if your sister feels you are bringing embarrassment on the family.
I had a quick look and there are Hindu communities in Glasgow, Edinburgh, Aberdeen and several other places in Scotland, not just the two that you know of. Maybe a fresh start in one of these would be good for you?
Wouldn't it be better to remain in Scotland in a different Community, where your son can still see friends and get his university paid for. In February your son said he wanted to go to university in Scotland but now you are ignoring his wishes.
Edited for correction

Taking these words seriously given its from Henry VIIIs 7th consort Queen and all

but I think moving far away is best for me and I will be happier and therefore so will son

He is an intelligent kid with all As and I dont think England A levels are THAAAT hard compared to Scottish Highers and Advanced highers

I’m sure he is clever, however there are key differences in the duration, timing and structure of Scottish Highers versus English A levels - have you explored this/investigated it thoroughly? You need to understand the situation around this.
i am genuinely struggling to understand why you can’t move out with your DS and stay in Scotland?
You seem to be lurching between “I have to stay in this toxic relationship for my DS’s education because it’s the most important thing” to “That’s it I’m moving to England”!
Why can’t there be a happy medium, which is “To give my DS and myself peace and the chance for him to finish his education in a calm, safe environment, I’m leaving H and we’re moving to a new location in Scotland”?

To add - you seem to be focussed on moving ‘far away’, but actually just moving is enough!
Get legal advice this week, find somewhere to rent and move out. You say that if you’re happy then DS will be too, but you can both be happy - and you can make this happen really quickly.

I'm grappling to fully understand myself ...

Take legal advice this week, find somewhere to rent in Scotland and move out. One step at a time! You were going to stay with your abuser for 2 years -you can live apart from him with DS in Scotland for 2 years and, as soon as he goes to Uni, move wherever you want.

Ultimately your DS will have to choose between staying with you or his dad. Every compromise he has to make to choose you over his dad puts him more at risk of feeling he is obliged to stay. For a privately educated academically motivated student to take the big, unnecessary gamble of moving to England so close to the end of his education would feel exceptionally fraught. If you really want to put him first, if you are really worried about keeping him safe, stay in Scotland and make it as easy as possible for him to come with you.

The idea that wherever mum is happy, the child is applies to young children, not to 16 year olds aiming for A grades and aspirational universities.

Son heard me talking to my uni friend down south on phone and came in after and said ' you know I would rather live in India than England right'

When I said okay then the only option is I take a flat near your current school, he said nah lets just stay here in our big house here, just ignore dad and he will stay quiet

20 years living under STBXHs thumb and I am on my way to neatly slotting under DSs thumb

Why am I trying to make a decision with a teen who changes his mind everyday

I should be telling him my decision

I'm sorry I've followed your thread for a while, and I get you are in an incredibly toxic and abusive relationship but you are being ridiculous. As everyone has repeated many times you need legal advice. You need to stop living under the same roof of your toxic husband and move out. I think it would be so unfair of him to move to England when you actually only have 18 months to go. Why are you even talking about council houses. You clearly own a massive property and can afford private school fees. You have an excellent and extremely well paid job. If you get a flat close to your son's school, he can finish. Having access to the city centre as he gets older will surely be a draw for him. Who cares if you get difficult questions, it's hardly the dark ages plenty of people get divorced and you are being pretty silly if that's what is stopping you.

Hi @Starfish1021
Here is my current take home 3.5 K net salary,

Mortgage 750 per month (I couldnt find a rental as low as this, currently in a 5 bed with DS having own big bedroom and own study , hence his on off reluctance to leave it)
CT 300+
School fees 2K per month

I move to 3.0 days a week for six months to a year now from next week due to some health issues I have

take home 2.3/2.4 K per month
School fees - 2K per month

you should still see a solicitor, to get some sound advice. Perhaps if you are paying the mortgage and all costs, you can get STBXH to move out, or agree that he has to pay towards costs, or something that will help you and DS in the long run. Sounds like you are better off staying in Scotland until DS is a bit older, and perhaps he might not be averse to a change in location, post uni.

Like DS has the first idea of what living in India is like ...even I don't as I left 20 years ago but it will be a bigger adjustment than England for him for sure

Ppl in India do not even understand his scottish accent and he knows no other Indian langauge to converse in,

Sorry just upset and rambling at this point

THanks all for the good advice

Back to apartment near school then , or wait 2 years till uni

thanks, yes hopefully....

I get the feeling you are nervous to make the move, and that’s totally understandable. I also know how hard it would be to uproot your son at this critical time in his education, especially as you have been paying lots to privately educate him you want him to excel. This again is totally understandable . I’m going to go against the general view here and say maybe you should stick it out for another year or so, get yourself sorted financially and make a new start once he’s flown the nest. It’s not easy either way but I think it’s what I would do

Thank you .....I just know after two more years school here, he will do uni here too ...and I won't move to near family and uni friends there if he is here ...

I suppose I could visit more often and will have to be happy with that

Starting to realise I am meant to do this , forging my own path, alone here ....without family around.....I think I will be brave enough soon.....every year that DS is a year older, freedom for me from my marriage seems closer

@DexterMorgansmum

Don't do some vague arithmetic based on a handful of figures you've grabbed from your current situation, OP.

Bear in mind that your husband has been stashing away his salary.

Let your solicitor do the Maths for you. That will give you a much better picture.

Freedom from a marriage which is causing you such despair could be much closer than you think, OP.

One piece of advice I would give you is to not wait until your husband is on the other side of the world.

He told you that he wants to go away and spend a huge chunk of time with his father.

Don't put yourself in a position where he has "disappeared" and no member of the family knows where he is.

It's quite possible that his stash of money will have "disappeared" too.

See a solicitor this week.