Might need to leave home tonight with DS, big fight with H!

[DexterMorgansmum]

Hi I have another thread on here that spans months where I have been waiting and biding my time till son finishes Nat 5s this May for us to leave home, or to ask H to leave - H also said he might leave in August. Things have been strained with some almost normal like days where conversation is pleasant, but some ugly scenes now and then
Think H thinks when push comes to shove we love him and hence we will stay - we do love him as family (with him 23 years) but I dont think we can stay anymore

Today, he had some sort of blow up verbally with DS15 (turns 16 this weekend !, and we are in Scotland) and he asked DS15 to stop rolling his eyes and show respect, he needs to study 2 hours a day etc the usual - suddenly I heard him from upstairs say to DS to leave home and come back when ready to apologise -its 8pm pitch dark cold and lonely at this time of year outside in west lothian outside edinburgh

I went with son which angered H further , we walked around the estate once and came back as I could not walk anymore in the cold - I promised him if he gave a fake apology for now, we could discuss what to do when back upstairs warm and dry
So, my son does not want to wait till summer hols and wants us to leave now - he has already texted his friend and said his father's body langauge was physically threatening toward me , his mum, when I said I was going to go out with him and would not let him walk around alone (instead of siding with H on the too harsh punishment)
I am thinking of either taking a taxi tomm morning and getting a hotel room near DS school as Nat 5 assignments this week and he cant take more than one day off I would have thought at max - or to wait till saturday and then we leave. Hotel till funds run out and find an air bnb /spareroom co.uk/ rental. as early as possible. I have told son if there is any intimidation by H tonight I will call the police , I almost think DS was planning to just stay out as late as he dared tonight if I had not gone with him, and how safe would that have been for him???
I cant let this go on.....

Even though I have known for a while H leaves me with no choice, my mind is still extremely confused about taking this step , now instead of slowly over the summer.
Any advice pls ?

Why are you giving a 16 year old so much power? He doesn't get to decide where he lives/where he goes to school, that's your fucking job!

So that’s why, as the adult, you make the hard decisions-he’s relying on you to do this for him. You have to!

She didn't. He left her for another woman 6 months after my younger brother turned 18.

So all the crap they both put us through, just so she could stay married to him, was for nothing.

If I were you, I would not leave immediately. Nor would I dwell on random thoughts about future events.

I would see a solicitor.

You need your wits about you, OP.

You have been paying the mortgage on the family home plus school fees and your husband has been saving his salary for his own use who knows where.

www.lawscot.org.uk/find-a-solicitor/

What if I just left on my own and went to live near my sister in a flat of my own?

And gave DS the option to finish school here with dad, or move with me to get away from here

The thing is moving out to just 10 miles away feels like such a white person bold move to do , like out in the open splitting up

While slinking away far away and then telling Indian friends in scotland I left for work and then quietly never coming back is I think the immigrant way of doing it

So that H can save face and say she went for work or say whatever he wants
I can do the same there if I want

I AM SUCH A COWARD

Mate, I know you've posted more since this but im trying to catch up.

With all due respect, get some estrogen cream. I swear it helped me finally leave my kids dad. 16 years we'd been together and I just couldn't live with him any more.

Luckily I had somewhere for the kids and I to go to but estrogen cream gave me bigger balls and courage than ive ever had before.

On a more serious note, its not going to be amicable. Hes a nasty person and you're always going to be the bad one.

If you want to live nearer your friends family etc and let's face it.... why wouldnt you want to move there?? No eggshells. No more being controlled.

Tell your family and friends of what's going on (apologies if this has already been suggested or done) and let them support you.

But leave, soon.
Its not the fairytale you want x

OK booking in with someone from your link now for wednesday or friday , thanks

Can you help when you have time pls for questions to ask him/her

Mate, I know you've posted more since this but im trying to catch up.

With all due respect, get some estrogen cream. I swear it helped me finally leave my kids dad. 16 years we'd been together and I just couldn't live with him any more.

Luckily I had somewhere for the kids and I to go to but estrogen cream gave me bigger balls and courage than ive ever had before.

On a more serious note, its not going to be amicable. Hes a nasty person and you're always going to be the bad one.

If you want to live nearer your friends family etc and let's face it.... why wouldnt you want to move there?? No eggshells. No more being controlled.

Tell your family and friends of what's going on (apologies if this has already been suggested or done) and let them support you.

But leave, soon.
Its not the fairytale you want x

My son could see it this way too then, that it was all for nothing , when it was actually all for him.....

@DexterMorgansmum I don’t know where you get this idea that you will be given a council house? You have a house and as a buyer, you will not be entitled to council housing. I know this from experience as when my ex husband went bankrupt I had three very young children. The courts decided that my ex’s assets in the house needed to be realised and that the house had to be sold. With a young baby ( he left when baby was 3 months old) and two other young children I wasn’t working and so was unable to buy a property myself. When I approached the council for housing, I was told as I had been a previous buyer, they wouldn’t even put me on the waiting list and my only option with the council was to declare myself homeless and go into a homeless hostel in one room.
That was 40 years ago and things are much worse now, with very little housing options available through the council. You will have to either privately rent or sell your current property and buy somewhere for you and your son.

Oh now comes the martyrdom, self-pitying bullshit. Thought that would turn up again soon.

Stop kidding yourself that you are doing it for him. You are doing it because you don't want your life to be uncomfortable for a short period of time, that you care more about other people think - when in reality it's none of their fucking business.

Don't you dare put the burden of your poor decisions and inability to have agency in your own life on your son, or use him as an excuse to do nothing.

The best preparation will be being ready to answer the solicitor's questions, OP.

When you have time to yourself, draw up a list of all the assets within your marriage, including property, money in bank accounts, investments and pensions.

In one breath you’re saying you’re being triggered and doing what you can to stop DS going away with family

Then in the next you’re suggesting you move out alone

Which is it?

if your husband has been saving his salary you need to find out where that is and how much that is, as it will be very pertinent to the divorce settlement

Okay folks thanks for the tough talk today I need it

This is what I am going to do, get legal advice to avoid property or DS being whisked overseas without parental consent and financial agreement advice

I am going to move to watford, I am going to book a small rental right now from 25th June for when S4 is done. I move there and I hope my son agrees to come with me, and understands why I am doing this

Will put in a free school there where his cousins of his age go two of them boys, and I can continue my job from there as I am remote working. What I save on school fees for two years I will save up for uni there.

If his dad wants to see him regularly he can move there too near his family and have him every other weekend

Fresh start, this is the only way I know how to proceed

As a parent of a child in uni in England, I suggest you stay in Scotland for the next couple of years so that your son gets the free education that he is currently entitled to. It is costing us a fortune and she already has a huge student finance loan balance.

the savings on school fees for two years 20 months into 2K per month is 40K he can use that and do uni there and student loans

bigger problems in my world

this isnt the same situation as your mum and dad dear @FreeRider

did you read my post about slinking away in the night far away etc

The only concern I would have for your son is, the switch from Nat 5 to Highers is tough, but switching from Nat 5 to A-levels would be way more difficult. I see the value in slinking away, but can you slink somewhere in Scotland, just for a year, to allow him to continue on the same curriculum?

OP there is lots of support for women out there including support for S Asian women.

https://www.hematgryffe.org.uk/about-us/

Helpline, refuge, advice, etc

Don't be ridiculous

Divorce is not the same in Scotland as it is in England.

So

1. you see and pay for legal advice
2. the house goes on the market
3. you rent a 2 bed property or 3 or 4 or 5 however big you want ! in Scotland
4. your son moves with you
5. you stop hoping your family will back you / support you
6. you can do this yourself
7. do not remove your child from his school !!!
8. you will not get local authority housing because you own half a house already
9. you will not be paying 100% of the mortgage when you move out, he can pay his 50% until it is sold

Great that you have a plan OP, but would suggest, as others have said that you look to stay in Scotland. It doesn’t have to be near H, but would help DS with education. You don’t have to tell H where you are and Scotland is still a fairly large place!

Indian/Hindu community is tiny Sloth, there is one mandir/temple in Leith where I go and everyone I know here from the same community goes and H as well.

To avoid him I would have to go to the only other one option in Scotland would be the one at rutherglen but we know ppl there too and everyone would ask questions

compare that to huge Disapora down south where one can easily keep one's head down n stay invisible while healing for a few years....

I never knew I was this scared .......till I said it out on here.....Jesus....