Might need to leave home tonight with DS, big fight with H!

[DexterMorgansmum]

Hi I have another thread on here that spans months where I have been waiting and biding my time till son finishes Nat 5s this May for us to leave home, or to ask H to leave - H also said he might leave in August. Things have been strained with some almost normal like days where conversation is pleasant, but some ugly scenes now and then
Think H thinks when push comes to shove we love him and hence we will stay - we do love him as family (with him 23 years) but I dont think we can stay anymore

Today, he had some sort of blow up verbally with DS15 (turns 16 this weekend !, and we are in Scotland) and he asked DS15 to stop rolling his eyes and show respect, he needs to study 2 hours a day etc the usual - suddenly I heard him from upstairs say to DS to leave home and come back when ready to apologise -its 8pm pitch dark cold and lonely at this time of year outside in west lothian outside edinburgh

I went with son which angered H further , we walked around the estate once and came back as I could not walk anymore in the cold - I promised him if he gave a fake apology for now, we could discuss what to do when back upstairs warm and dry
So, my son does not want to wait till summer hols and wants us to leave now - he has already texted his friend and said his father's body langauge was physically threatening toward me , his mum, when I said I was going to go out with him and would not let him walk around alone (instead of siding with H on the too harsh punishment)
I am thinking of either taking a taxi tomm morning and getting a hotel room near DS school as Nat 5 assignments this week and he cant take more than one day off I would have thought at max - or to wait till saturday and then we leave. Hotel till funds run out and find an air bnb /spareroom co.uk/ rental. as early as possible. I have told son if there is any intimidation by H tonight I will call the police , I almost think DS was planning to just stay out as late as he dared tonight if I had not gone with him, and how safe would that have been for him???
I cant let this go on.....

Even though I have known for a while H leaves me with no choice, my mind is still extremely confused about taking this step , now instead of slowly over the summer.
Any advice pls ?

Sorry @DexterMorgansmum but this is fantasy bullshit. You don't get to choose the Hallmark movie ending because it is not real.

I know I need to be kind because you are in an abusive relationship…
but as the child of disfunctional abusive parents I am angry that you cannot recognise the daily damage your child is suffering. It is wrong to keep him living in a house - not home - where he has to tread on eggshells, where he has to perform academically to earn love and respect, where his parents enact daily examples of dysfunction (silent treatment ffs).

Stop blathering on about moving to England… your son is in the Scottish education system and needs to stay in it for university. Just go and rent a 2 bedroom flat near his school. Do it. Do it next week. Let your son live between his parents as he wishes. He will be happier. You will be happier. You don’t even need to think about divorce rn just somewhere nice to live.

Go on, if not for you, for your son.

I agree with the above post, esp as it has already been explained to you the difference in the education systems.

Totally agree with all of you, but the situation is more complex and nuanced because of me being originally a first gen Asian immigrant I think...

I still have PTSD from the time H kidnapped son at age 6 for ten days to South India to coerce me against daring to seriously contemplate leaving the marriage.

I am terrified of my father in law still alive now at 90 ...who is the epitome of patriarchy gone wrong while pretending to be pro women's rights - FIL is also an accused child abuser by one of his daughters who does not talk to him for almost 20 years now (no one knows where she is)

I am terrified H will convince son and take him to India for sixth form and uni and raise him in that household run by my FIL again

Having a panic attack here triggered by wondering what I was so scared of in response to your posts above, and then hearing his voice talking on video call in the other room from India

Son must not be taken away from me, to there - he is much safer here. He is still too young at 16 to not be influenced or coerced once there.....must hold fort till 18....

Part of me waits for FIL to die hopefully, after that I am not horrified at son being taken there by H even for weeks at a time.....

Son can say no, but hes too kind to his grandparents now to say no to visits on his own

Im not explaining this right

If FIL is 90, how much longer can he stay around as a terrifying malign influence

Please tell me this is just PTSD ...DS is not 6 anymore he's 16......

All of what the above, but particularly this:

As the child of dysfunctional abusive parents I am angry that you cannot recognise the daily damage your child is suffering. It is wrong to keep him living in a house - not home - where he has to tread on eggshells, where he has to perform academically to earn love and respect, where his parents enact daily examples of dysfunction (silent treatment ffs).

My mother did what you are planning to do...but in the end, the decision to separate and divorce was taken from her, my father left exactly 6 months after my younger brother turned 18...I'd just turned 21. He'd made an attempt to do so a decade earlier, and it was obvious he was waiting for his youngest child to turn 18 so he wouldn't have to pay child support.

Myself and my two brothers had a shit childhood - my older brother has told his wife that he has no happy childhood memories - because like you, my narc mother didn't have the guts to leave my abusive narc father. She put her marriage above her 3 children.

I'm now 58 and do you know who I blame for all of the above? Both my parents. I've been no contact with my father for 37 years, and very low contact with my mother for 30. I deliberately moved to the other side of the world and haven't actually seen her in 17 years. No plans to, either. My mother also emotionally blackmailed us to 'take her side' which was disgusting. She dragged us into her divorce and made it clear she couldn't give a shit about our feelings.

I feel no pity for you at all. I feel pity and sorrow for your son for having such shit parents.

@FreeRider ...... sorry you went through that

Its so hard to know what the right thing to do by DS is ......

I can only say though this is not an eggshells house where Im being nice to his dad inspite abusive outbursts

DS knows I am only cohabiting from his perspective for practical reasons and financial till hes 18 and seems okay with it...in fact seems pro being sensible and us not rushing to leave the comfortable family home , he has two big rooms here none of his friends do, Mortgage and private school fees is largely paid for by me

Why cant I get this right

@DexterMorgansmum

You are paying the mortgage and the school fees, OP?

Come on. Why would you stay in such a dreadful situation when you have options?

Any chance you could start prioritising your DS over your own wants needs and feelings OP?

You are talking bullshit.

If you'd asked my mother when I was 18, she would have come out with this exact same load of crap:

"DS knows I am only cohabiting from his perspective for practical reasons and financial till he's 18 and seems okay with it"

Which was a complete lie. I had a massive nervous breakdown when I was 17 and tried to kill myself, due to the stress both parents put me under. My mother also had the nerve to make me her confidante when I was 11, parentifying me.

I was diagnosed with CPTSD 15 years ago and have been having treatment for it ever since.

These triggering posts today have been very useful

I think there may be a chance I am prioritising him staying safe in the UK with me albeit with his dad in the same house, to be taken away somehow (talk him into it?) by his dad to India to FILs house

That was a legitimate fear in 2016....dunno if its just PTSD now

yes TSM , its coming out of my salary at the mo, he saves most of his salary and used to say 'its for both of us'

omg freerider :-(

ok will go see CAB on my day off this wednesday about free legal advice, entitled to and council house near school

No.

You need to see a solicitor.

https://www.lawscot.org.uk/find-a-solicitor/

You don't need to see the CAB - and you'd need to make an appointment anyway, they are always booked solid, you can't just 'drop in' - you need to see a solicitor.

Or even better, do what you said you were going to do months ago and leave.

"it just seems like the most amicable respectful way to leave STBEXH is the way he wants to do it..."

The way he wants to do it is to keep you dancing to his tune for as long as he pleases.

Move within Scotland. Keep your job, keep DS at the same school or at least within the same school system. You've forked out for private school to give his education the best start - don't throw all that away by forcing a change to the English system at this critical time, it's a completely disproportionate price for him to pay for living vaguely close to some relatives you don't even see very much. Get your life back and give your son a shot at learning about more normal relationships.

If you were me, would you leave Right-away, or would you worry about son being taken to India by convincing him sixth form is easier there or something, away from here.

OP you’re saying you want to be amicable and then in the same thread that your H tried to kidnap your son and your FIL is a suspected child abuser!
What message are you giving your son by staying after all this?
You think if you live together he won’t take your son to India?!
Surely, if you leave with your son and create a safe space for him to live, he’s less likely to accompany his F on any trips? By staying you’re showing your son that you don’t think his F is that bad. You can see that can’t you?
Genuinely, and I know you’re in an abusive relationship, so you have been brainwashed and coerced by this man, but what the hell are you playing at exposing your son to this?
Get out! I know I sound unkind, but I think you need to wake up and get a grip - please OP sort this shit out - you can if you try, I promise!

I forgot to add that my parents also constantly moved us between countries, starting when I was 9 and only ending when I was 14. During that 5 year period we ended up missing a total of 2 years schooling. It went:

Australian school system
No schooling
UK school system
No schooling
Australian school system
UK school system

One fucking year we changed countries and school systems 4 fucking times!

I was 'lucky' to leave school with a few O levels. My younger brother ended up leaving school with no qualifications at all. We were also privately educated...

16 year olds change their mind everyday ......on what they want

Yes I see that ......

OK then act OP - come on, you’ve got this!

when did your mum finally leave your dad then.....