Might need to leave home tonight with DS, big fight with H!

[DexterMorgansmum]

Hi I have another thread on here that spans months where I have been waiting and biding my time till son finishes Nat 5s this May for us to leave home, or to ask H to leave - H also said he might leave in August. Things have been strained with some almost normal like days where conversation is pleasant, but some ugly scenes now and then
Think H thinks when push comes to shove we love him and hence we will stay - we do love him as family (with him 23 years) but I dont think we can stay anymore

Today, he had some sort of blow up verbally with DS15 (turns 16 this weekend !, and we are in Scotland) and he asked DS15 to stop rolling his eyes and show respect, he needs to study 2 hours a day etc the usual - suddenly I heard him from upstairs say to DS to leave home and come back when ready to apologise -its 8pm pitch dark cold and lonely at this time of year outside in west lothian outside edinburgh

I went with son which angered H further , we walked around the estate once and came back as I could not walk anymore in the cold - I promised him if he gave a fake apology for now, we could discuss what to do when back upstairs warm and dry
So, my son does not want to wait till summer hols and wants us to leave now - he has already texted his friend and said his father's body langauge was physically threatening toward me , his mum, when I said I was going to go out with him and would not let him walk around alone (instead of siding with H on the too harsh punishment)
I am thinking of either taking a taxi tomm morning and getting a hotel room near DS school as Nat 5 assignments this week and he cant take more than one day off I would have thought at max - or to wait till saturday and then we leave. Hotel till funds run out and find an air bnb /spareroom co.uk/ rental. as early as possible. I have told son if there is any intimidation by H tonight I will call the police , I almost think DS was planning to just stay out as late as he dared tonight if I had not gone with him, and how safe would that have been for him???
I cant let this go on.....

Even though I have known for a while H leaves me with no choice, my mind is still extremely confused about taking this step , now instead of slowly over the summer.
Any advice pls ?

Please think of your situation . If you stay as your son has now requested, and your husband harms you , then your son would never forgive himself ,and if he harms your son , you would never forgive yourself . Please get out while you can . Just one question ,if your husband is tech savvy , is he accessing your computer and reading your plans . and our advice ?

Hi Elfie, no son still wants me to leave per original plan and he wants to come with me and visit his dad only 'a few days a month'

I would never do what H does at times and make DS feel he has to choose or cut one of the two off to be loved by the other one.

I feel less panicky about DS being influenced or brainwashed by H now at 16 than 6. Feels more improbably despite H giving it his gaslighting, crazy making and reality bending best - which he will when I move out 'wasting on rent and CT which cud be DSs college fund , when there is plenty of space to stay away or separate under the same roof.....'

@elfies , DS only tentatively asked about reverting back to summer move out rather than right after back from half term, but I said I do not want to lose momentum gained over past few days....'

I will have to think about what DS said re saying the summer move was always better from a Nat 5 perspective though - and see if I can still move with no practical impact on him and letting him get on uninterrupted with his work

Its only 12 weeks either ways and I have waited for the most part of 12 years now

Having been through several lots of exams etc I would say that this is actually a crucial time inyou son's life. He has ambitions to go to university.
He needs positive encouragement to get through this exam phase onto the next one... not constantly being berated and told his efforts are not good enough and that he is not good enough... he's probably heard that too many times already. He needs freedom from this to get through this stage of his life and onto the next one.

Leaving is the sane thing to do.

But the FOG makes it ever so hard.

And it can take many years after disentanglement to realise fully how deep the coercion goes.

The freedom is almost instant, though. And transformative.

Agree @DuckbilledSplatterPuff , thank you

Thank you yes....I felt such a sense of peace instead of the impending doom he hoped for , when H anounced his unlikely dream of leaving the UK for an island life in August if me and DS were still not fulfilling our potential (every time there is a dirty dish not washed in the sink , I have failed my potential you see, even though I work full time just like him and earn as much, and much more at various points)

He is not fully sane I think ...but that is not making excuses, he won't get help for it as long as I am normalising his life .....

He is one of those misogynists who think women are put here on earth to either f*ck him or serve him
It took me stupidly long to figure this out
Such people are supposed to have had trauma in childhood, but he has categorically said he needs no therapy and his parents were the best parents in the world (I have a lot of contradictory evidence, but these were the useless arguments of my 20s , he will go to his death bed never divulging why he became the way he is, because he won't do the shadow work to analyse it and resolve it, unless a really strong woman had married him and made him do it, I guess)

Sorry if that was not coherent. But even the above doesnt explain the 'bad' dad bit.

If he wants to move to that island, let him!

Begin to make that possible by speaking to a solicitor this week.

You need to start focussing on an independent future for yourself.

Thank you Square mile, you have been here repeatedly asking me to see a solicitor and I really am grateful ......I was going to see someone near my sister's next week to start with , with her along and leave DS with grown up 23yo nephew (Cambridge Grad, so good from exam motivation perspective) during.....probably no where as useful as seeing a Scottish one though as I know there are legal differences....)

You need to see a Scottish lawyer especially if you married in scotland, the process and outcomes are soooo different! I.e. pre marital assets cant be used (only in rare situations worth alot of money are considered)

It would be better to arrange a telephone appointment with a solicitor in your part of Scotland, as Scotland is where your divorce will be processed.

My thinking is that you could speak without being disturbed while at your sister's; you can then see the solicitor in Scotland in person when you get back.

You would be better off spending the money you would give to the solicitor in England on lunch for you and your sister.

As I said yesterday you could utilise the events of the weekend (and past history) to try to get an injunction which would mean DS could stay in the house until the end of his exams and DH would leave.

But not if you dither - it’s already Thursday - the argument for an emergency injunction weakens by the day as you continue to live with him.

One of the subject teachers from the school has emailed H (must have gone to my spam on hotmail and disappeared I don't know how) , H forwarded - it says your son missed an A by 3 marks (67/100) and we need to see a lot of engagement now to get to an A1 as he is capable of A1. He has not engaged himself enough on the assignment last week that can only be done during class'

H said I should handle this which I said I am going to speak to the school asap. I have emailed said teacher asking for number to call him on a priority basis.

My queries to teacher -

1. These emails since the prelim results are unfortunately not being handled well by H and he has been trying to force X hours of study evening on DS but DS is choosing to do pre-med entry UCAT prep , Brighton med work exp modules, and A*s only on the three subjects needed for pre-med, though we have tried to explain to him Nat 5 all 8 subject scores matter.
2. On monday DS was asked to leave the house till he would be ready to apologise for not doing the required hours of study and refusing when asked to do the required hours of study by his dad much to my horror- we can take the horse to water, how can we force the horse to drink the water, what does school suggest
3. If the assignment is only to be done in class, how can we oversee the quality of preparation now at home, his email does not clarify how. Would be very grateful for guidance.

I will also explain how fearful I have been that asking him to go on a walk and apologise if he refuses to study , is borderline /well into category of abusive and hence have started looking at rentals near school /nearest to school as affordable to leave so at least if SW remove Hs access to DS, mine won't be removed too as being a silent complicit enabler. I so am not for disciplining to make them get As, what does school suggest.

I have told H , I think he abusive DS on Tuesday by asking him to leave in those circumstances - he was so shocked and gave incredulous laughs and also said how will SW remove him from my home if he is over 16 and sees I mean well for him , how else do we get him to do what the teachers want him to do.
He said he wants me to move out so he can sell the house and he cant walk away from me without half his money, he would rather leave than be called an abuser for trying so hard to get his kid to study. So I said fine yes lets sell asap take whatever money you want and leave.

I am waiting for the teacher's call.

Spoke to School, told them about the incident on tuesday where DS asked to leave home for not studying/rolling eyes at studying by H into the cold dark night endlessly and how I feel this might have caused him not to focus in class yesterday & today even more for friday's assignment and how I was planning to move out soon near the school and that might help DS focus better and more time for after school drop ins.

They have asked me to sit with him this evening for the Business assignment and make sure he covers the marketing strategy for the company he chose in more detail (at least 500 more words) - I said I would make him do it even if I had to break down in tears to guilt him to do it.

Teacher also said lots of work to do during half term , its up to you if you feel taking him on holiday to Lnd for his birthday will take away from his study at time during this crucial time

Holiday off I guess, will spend next week solicitor, therapist for my impending breakdown, rentals here

OP, you mustn't say things like "Fine yes lets sell asap take whatever money you want".

You really do need advice from a solicitor.

I’m not sure that the school have heard what you were trying to tell them OP.

It got lost in the comments about DS’s work.

They need to know that there are problems at home between DH and DS to the point you or he may have to leave. Thus is the context of what DS is dealing with at home.

You sound like a fantastic mum, OP, and agree that solicitor is a priority for you too

are you crazy??? Why would you break into tears and guilt trip him??

sorry. This was my honest reaction.

School made this about academics. But this isn’t about academics. This is about serious problems at home.

and why should the holiday be off now? You have a good plan re: studying with his cousin, some academic workshop etc.

You also ought to consider the importance of stability and reliability: You told your son that you would go to London. You told him that he would escape for at least one week. So what would canceling the holiday meant to your DS?
And if you’re going back on your words, you become an unreliable and therefore untrustworthy entity to your son. That’s at least my opinion.

stop getting delayed by your H or even well meaning teachers. Get legal advice and leave. And if 7 days away is what you need to recharge, escape the fog and get some clarity? Then go to London and visit your DSis.

edit: and yes, a solicitor needs to be one of your priorities.

You are being inconsistent here

on the one hand your DH is putting pressure on academics and you are pushing back on that

but then because the teacher has had a go you are now going to potentially manipulate your son by crying?

I think everyone needs to step back and potentially a meeting with your DS school to discuss a way forward as the messages are all mixed up

The school’s job is to champion his learning and academic achievements. Yours is to keep him safe and to advocate for him. You shouldn’t be guilt-tripping him with tears to donate school’s job and you shouldn’t be letting them decide when he gets taken to safety.

Posters predicted that you wouldn’t safeguard your child any time soon.

Thanks MNers for the tough love

When I said I would make him do it even if I had to cry, I was trying to emphasize I had asked a 100 times over the last 5 days 'do you need any help prepping for Business assignment , shall we over pricing, employee retention (teacher confirmed this one isnt required), product range, promotions using open source data, look up competitor data' , he said he had it all in hand - teacher now says its short by 400 words at the very least and needs a few hours this evening. I meant at this point, thats all I can do to get him to do it if he refuses that he has more work to do on it as I am against harsher discipline than taking the phone away for 2-3 hours.

Not my finest hour that I broke down talking to the teacher - maybe I am a shit mum, probably am actually but no one has a manual and I am doing the best I can. Next week its going to be my boss asking what happened to me this week.

This was supposed to be classwork I thought not homework, all so confusing