Page 9 | DP ‘perfect’ but I can’t bear it!

1000StrawberryLollies · 10/02/2026 13:04

Tbh it's a bit worrying that you are even asking what to do. You don't love him and he behaves like a controlling, manipulative, sex-pest nightmare, regardless of what other things he's technically 'doing right'. He doesn't get to expect love and the continuation of your relationship as a reward for (what he thinks is) good behaviour! That's no basis for a real relationship. The time to end this would have been at the initial love-bombing stage, but better late than never!

greencheetah · 10/02/2026 13:04

He’s not perfect, he’s a weird sex pest.

Get rid of him and reclaim your life!

CarlaLemarchant · 10/02/2026 13:09

Would he actually go if you ended it. I think you’d have a problem getting him to leave.

pinkyredrose · 10/02/2026 13:10

Op why on earth did you put him on the tenancy? It's yours and your daughter's home and now he has legal rights to it. Was it his idea?

Mapletree1985 · 10/02/2026 13:16

You don't love him, so leave him.

Original poster

Suffocatedlove · 10/02/2026 13:16

Miranda65 · 10/02/2026 12:57

He thinks obsession means love. It absolutely doesn't.

He absolutely does. And will say it plainly. We will be laying on the sofa together (because me wanting to sit up on the sofa means I don’t love him and don’t want to be close to him) and he will say ‘I love you’ I will say it back and he will say ‘I am obsessed with you’ and I don’t say anything and he insist that ‘all he wants is my obsession for him to come back and he is a good boy so I should be obsessed with him’

can’t actually believe I am writing all this out tbh.

he really thinks that if I want a bit of space then he it’s because I dont love him.

OP posts:

Mangelwurzelfortea · 10/02/2026 13:19

Suffocatedlove · 10/02/2026 13:16

He absolutely does. And will say it plainly. We will be laying on the sofa together (because me wanting to sit up on the sofa means I don’t love him and don’t want to be close to him) and he will say ‘I love you’ I will say it back and he will say ‘I am obsessed with you’ and I don’t say anything and he insist that ‘all he wants is my obsession for him to come back and he is a good boy so I should be obsessed with him’

can’t actually believe I am writing all this out tbh.

he really thinks that if I want a bit of space then he it’s because I dont love him.

Show quote history

You know he sounds mental, don't you?

FFS OP - get this ended now and get on with a normal life!

Ihaveneedofwaternear · 10/02/2026 13:19

The more you write about him, the more of an absolute nutter he sounds

Original poster

Suffocatedlove · 10/02/2026 13:20

1000StrawberryLollies · 10/02/2026 13:04

Tbh it's a bit worrying that you are even asking what to do. You don't love him and he behaves like a controlling, manipulative, sex-pest nightmare, regardless of what other things he's technically 'doing right'. He doesn't get to expect love and the continuation of your relationship as a reward for (what he thinks is) good behaviour! That's no basis for a real relationship. The time to end this would have been at the initial love-bombing stage, but better late than never!

I suppose I feel awful he has done all this in vain really. He is clear he only stopped drinking for me, only cut his family off for me, only got the job he has now to be able to spend more time with me, he tells me he makes every decision for me, even now only having his daughter one night a week is for me. Although I don’t believe that for a second he does what her mums wants really.

so I feel guilty. I also read lots of threads about how women want their man to do things with them etc so I want to check I’m not being ridiculous

OP posts:

AngelinaFibres · 10/02/2026 13:23

Suffocatedlove · 10/02/2026 08:57

Will try and get all the info in as not to drip feed. NC but long term on mumsnet.

I am 36 & DP is 41. I have 17 yr old DD and he has 7 yr old DD. No children together. No plans to have any. We live together in my house. Been together 4.5 years, lived together for 3.

Start of the relationship went well, although love bombing in hindsight. Then just after he moved in I discovered he was an alcoholic. A very traumatic year passed as he lost his job and was drinking by daily. Long custody battles in court for his child, his family completely toxic encouraging drink and actually trying to ruin my life (maliciously calling my work, SS, etc I fell out of love with him in this time and asked him to move out. He begged for a 2nd chance and said he would get sober and do all the work on himself for a chance to be with me.

He did. He has been sober for 18 months, back in work (quite profitable business). He does everything ‘right’ puts money in the household; probably does more in the house and garden than I do, has built a relationship with his DD, gone NC with his whole family, buys me surprise presents, makes sure we spend time together, books trips away, walks my dogs if I am busy, literally on paper, everything absolutely right.

However. He is so full on. Bordering desperate. He constantly complains I don’t spend enough time with him, that he wants more of me, he wants to work on our relationship, he is constantly asking me to come back to bed after the school run etc (we don’t live near my selective DD’s sixth form so I have to drive her), how I am always busy with work. He says all the time how I am his priority, how he has put ‘everything’ in to me and us and it almost feels that I owe him for this. If I am not hanging off him he feels rejection. It’s suffocating!

But I feel awful. He has done and does everything ‘right’.

I read posts on here and see how shit men can be and look at my life and think I am being so ungrateful.

I just want him to chill. But I’ve spoken to him about it loads and he says that he wants our relationship to be intense and ‘obsessed’ and that ‘he won’t be told it’s not amazing to feel the way he does about me’.

What shall I do????

People who are addicted to something and then give it up need to replace it with another addiction. Lots of addicts become born again Christians because its very intense.and fills the giant hole alcohol removal has left. Your partner has given up booze and wants you to be his addiction. That only works if you are always there/ always up for sex/ always put him above everyone and everything else. No one with a normal life can do that. It's probably time to call it a day.

Original poster

Suffocatedlove · 10/02/2026 13:24

Mangelwurzelfortea · 10/02/2026 13:19

You know he sounds mental, don't you?

FFS OP - get this ended now and get on with a normal life!

Show quote history

It gets worse, he has put a ban on me telling him how much time we have actually spent together because he doesn’t want to hear that an evening together is time spent together, he wants to hear about us actually having ‘quality time’ which I have discovered is pretty much impossible to illicit what that actually means

OP posts:

Mangelwurzelfortea · 10/02/2026 13:25

Suffocatedlove · 10/02/2026 13:20

I suppose I feel awful he has done all this in vain really. He is clear he only stopped drinking for me, only cut his family off for me, only got the job he has now to be able to spend more time with me, he tells me he makes every decision for me, even now only having his daughter one night a week is for me. Although I don’t believe that for a second he does what her mums wants really.

so I feel guilty. I also read lots of threads about how women want their man to do things with them etc so I want to check I’m not being ridiculous

Show quote history

He hasn't chosen to stop killing himself with alcohol 'for you.' That's not how addiction works. It's just what he wants you to think so he can control you. Which I know you know! You just need to get yourself out of the guilt mindset.

thepariscrimefiles · 10/02/2026 13:25

Suffocatedlove · 10/02/2026 10:31

I have, recently we had a 6 hour conversation about this - he loves to talk. He just says ridiculous things like ‘maybe I’ll just go camping in the woods alone to give you time to yourself’ or he will give examples of how he hadn’t drained my time.

But a day or so later he comes to me and says ‘I am so pleased with our conversation, the way you admitted you are neglecting me, the way you promised to do more to make time together is so refreshing’

im like what?????? I didn’t say that?

Show quote history

He's a master manipulator and gas-lighter. Please leave him or throw him out for your own and your daughter's sake. She should not have to share a home with this dreadful man. You feel pretty repulsed by him and you chose him to be your partner at one time. Your daughter has no choice but to put up with him because you can't bring yourself to get rid of him. Please put her first.

Nearly50omg · 10/02/2026 13:32

Suffocatedlove · 10/02/2026 13:20

I suppose I feel awful he has done all this in vain really. He is clear he only stopped drinking for me, only cut his family off for me, only got the job he has now to be able to spend more time with me, he tells me he makes every decision for me, even now only having his daughter one night a week is for me. Although I don’t believe that for a second he does what her mums wants really.

so I feel guilty. I also read lots of threads about how women want their man to do things with them etc so I want to check I’m not being ridiculous

Show quote history

He did all this for HIM and him only!! He’s an abusive manipulative horrible person! Get him out of your house and out of your life and go on the freedom programme women’s aid run! In fact also speak to them to get advice as they will help you with getting rid of him!

Starlight1979 · 10/02/2026 13:37

Suffocatedlove · 10/02/2026 13:20

I suppose I feel awful he has done all this in vain really. He is clear he only stopped drinking for me, only cut his family off for me, only got the job he has now to be able to spend more time with me, he tells me he makes every decision for me, even now only having his daughter one night a week is for me. Although I don’t believe that for a second he does what her mums wants really.

so I feel guilty. I also read lots of threads about how women want their man to do things with them etc so I want to check I’m not being ridiculous

Show quote history

Well yes, but along with "doing things" you also need a partner who is actually that. A partner. Not a dependant, needy and manipulative drain who is making your life significantly more miserable and stressful.

FWIW (and I don't mean this to sound smug but just so you can see the actual difference) my DH buys me little presents, walks the dogs so I can have a lie-in some days and books days and trips out for us. All of that is lovely.

But he also deeply cares for me and my wellbeing, makes me laugh when I'm not feeling great, doesn't ever interfere with my work or my hobbies and accepts that's "my" time, actively encourages me to spend time with my friends and family without him, he would never, EVER try and make me feel guilty for not having sex if I didn't feel like it and ultimately he always says "as long as you're ok, I'm ok".

Every single thing you have posted about your partner is all about him. Absolutely NONE of his behaviour shows that he cares about you or ever puts you first.

As someone else said, if you ended it then he would just move onto someone else and replicate this behaviour with them. It's completely cold, non-personal and transactional.

waitingforthehallmarkedman · 10/02/2026 13:41

I get the ick just reading about him. I have no idea how you continue to live like this. Imagine the peace if he goes!

foreversunshine · 10/02/2026 13:44

You've clearly stated that you don't love him, actually hate him and you know he sounds deranged. However, you haven't indicated what you are going to do about it?

pinkyredrose · 10/02/2026 13:44

Suffocatedlove · 10/02/2026 13:16

He absolutely does. And will say it plainly. We will be laying on the sofa together (because me wanting to sit up on the sofa means I don’t love him and don’t want to be close to him) and he will say ‘I love you’ I will say it back and he will say ‘I am obsessed with you’ and I don’t say anything and he insist that ‘all he wants is my obsession for him to come back and he is a good boy so I should be obsessed with him’

can’t actually believe I am writing all this out tbh.

he really thinks that if I want a bit of space then he it’s because I dont love him.

Show quote history

Well he's right isn't he, you don't love him. Get rid of this millstone round your neck . A good relationship enhances your life not makes it worse.

Frugalgal · 10/02/2026 13:45

Suffocatedlove · 10/02/2026 08:57

Will try and get all the info in as not to drip feed. NC but long term on mumsnet.

I am 36 & DP is 41. I have 17 yr old DD and he has 7 yr old DD. No children together. No plans to have any. We live together in my house. Been together 4.5 years, lived together for 3.

Start of the relationship went well, although love bombing in hindsight. Then just after he moved in I discovered he was an alcoholic. A very traumatic year passed as he lost his job and was drinking by daily. Long custody battles in court for his child, his family completely toxic encouraging drink and actually trying to ruin my life (maliciously calling my work, SS, etc I fell out of love with him in this time and asked him to move out. He begged for a 2nd chance and said he would get sober and do all the work on himself for a chance to be with me.

He did. He has been sober for 18 months, back in work (quite profitable business). He does everything ‘right’ puts money in the household; probably does more in the house and garden than I do, has built a relationship with his DD, gone NC with his whole family, buys me surprise presents, makes sure we spend time together, books trips away, walks my dogs if I am busy, literally on paper, everything absolutely right.

However. He is so full on. Bordering desperate. He constantly complains I don’t spend enough time with him, that he wants more of me, he wants to work on our relationship, he is constantly asking me to come back to bed after the school run etc (we don’t live near my selective DD’s sixth form so I have to drive her), how I am always busy with work. He says all the time how I am his priority, how he has put ‘everything’ in to me and us and it almost feels that I owe him for this. If I am not hanging off him he feels rejection. It’s suffocating!

But I feel awful. He has done and does everything ‘right’.

I read posts on here and see how shit men can be and look at my life and think I am being so ungrateful.

I just want him to chill. But I’ve spoken to him about it loads and he says that he wants our relationship to be intense and ‘obsessed’ and that ‘he won’t be told it’s not amazing to feel the way he does about me’.

What shall I do????

You read about people who manage to break an addiction to one thing only to replace it with another. Quite often they replace addiction to drink or drugs with religion or exercise.

Sounds like your chap has replaced his alcohol addiction with another unhealthy addiction in terms of how he approaches your relationship.

It all sounds very unhealthy, controlling and unsustainable. Most people would feel suffocated by it all - actually wanting a relationship to be obsessive is creepy.

He's not your responsibility and whatever he chooses to do with himself if you end the relationship is not your responsibility. He's an adult who has managed to stop drinking once, if he chooses to go back to it, knowing what he knows about himself, that is not your problem..

Everything he's done was done for himself, he stopped drinking for himself (as he should) but all the effort he's putting in to the relationship is his way of channelling his addictive propensities.

MissSpindle · 10/02/2026 13:47

Suffocatedlove · 10/02/2026 13:16

He absolutely does. And will say it plainly. We will be laying on the sofa together (because me wanting to sit up on the sofa means I don’t love him and don’t want to be close to him) and he will say ‘I love you’ I will say it back and he will say ‘I am obsessed with you’ and I don’t say anything and he insist that ‘all he wants is my obsession for him to come back and he is a good boy so I should be obsessed with him’

can’t actually believe I am writing all this out tbh.

he really thinks that if I want a bit of space then he it’s because I dont love him.

Show quote history

That is vile. What a weirdo. I don't understand why you haven't LTB already.

Cheekycoffee · 10/02/2026 13:55

Suffocatedlove · 10/02/2026 13:24

It gets worse, he has put a ban on me telling him how much time we have actually spent together because he doesn’t want to hear that an evening together is time spent together, he wants to hear about us actually having ‘quality time’ which I have discovered is pretty much impossible to illicit what that actually means

Show quote history

What kind of an example are you setting your kids here @Suffocatedlove

What kind of family environment are they growing up in?

Come on. You really really need to put them first for the first time in long long time.

dreichluver · 10/02/2026 13:55

Suffocatedlove · 10/02/2026 08:57

Will try and get all the info in as not to drip feed. NC but long term on mumsnet.

I am 36 & DP is 41. I have 17 yr old DD and he has 7 yr old DD. No children together. No plans to have any. We live together in my house. Been together 4.5 years, lived together for 3.

Start of the relationship went well, although love bombing in hindsight. Then just after he moved in I discovered he was an alcoholic. A very traumatic year passed as he lost his job and was drinking by daily. Long custody battles in court for his child, his family completely toxic encouraging drink and actually trying to ruin my life (maliciously calling my work, SS, etc I fell out of love with him in this time and asked him to move out. He begged for a 2nd chance and said he would get sober and do all the work on himself for a chance to be with me.

He did. He has been sober for 18 months, back in work (quite profitable business). He does everything ‘right’ puts money in the household; probably does more in the house and garden than I do, has built a relationship with his DD, gone NC with his whole family, buys me surprise presents, makes sure we spend time together, books trips away, walks my dogs if I am busy, literally on paper, everything absolutely right.

However. He is so full on. Bordering desperate. He constantly complains I don’t spend enough time with him, that he wants more of me, he wants to work on our relationship, he is constantly asking me to come back to bed after the school run etc (we don’t live near my selective DD’s sixth form so I have to drive her), how I am always busy with work. He says all the time how I am his priority, how he has put ‘everything’ in to me and us and it almost feels that I owe him for this. If I am not hanging off him he feels rejection. It’s suffocating!

But I feel awful. He has done and does everything ‘right’.

I read posts on here and see how shit men can be and look at my life and think I am being so ungrateful.

I just want him to chill. But I’ve spoken to him about it loads and he says that he wants our relationship to be intense and ‘obsessed’ and that ‘he won’t be told it’s not amazing to feel the way he does about me’.

What shall I do????

So he's swapped one addiction for another...you.

Sorry but I'd be dumping him pronto. Your relationship sounds toxic af.

He'll probably go back to the booze. But that would be entirely his choice.

myfriendsellshouses · 10/02/2026 13:58

OP, he hasn't done it all in vain, he has done it to get better. But you can't stay with him forever when he behaves like this. He seriously needs counselling.

His behaviour is not normal and you clearly don't have a future with him. It isn't normal to be so clingy, or to send unwanted sexual texts all day. Most people have a job and a life to get on with.

You are not responsible for him, so whatever happens next, is down to him and not you.

If you leave and get any crap from his family, then log every incident with the police.

Original poster

Suffocatedlove · 10/02/2026 13:59

Typing it all out in chunks it is awful:

Day to day, it’s much more insidious. For example he has been home 5 minutes appears in a good mood, chatting about work but has already made comments about how I could have come back to bed today after the school run, how he works so efficiently so that he can have time with me as that’s his priority and then asked if I had mentioned to my dentist (had an appointment earlier) ‘if you can suck on your husband big dick now’ he laughed as though it was a joke but he has been in the door 5 minutes.

I have some thinking to do about how to get out of this. As people have said it won’t be easy, he will not go quietly. He has said before he will never ever leave me or leave quietly.

OP posts:

Dinnaeeatallthecheese · 10/02/2026 14:00

Of all the threads about controlling men on here I dont think I have ever read anything as bad as this
You are not allowed to sit on the sofa and have to lie down?
You are not allowed to work alone
You are not allowed your own thoughts or feelings
6 hours of his monologues and twisting your words
WTAF
This man is potentially dangerous, this is not love, its a prison