DP ‘perfect’ but I can’t bear it!

[Suffocatedlove]

Will try and get all the info in as not to drip feed. NC but long term on mumsnet.

I am 36 & DP is 41. I have 17 yr old DD and he has 7 yr old DD. No children together. No plans to have any. We live together in my house. Been together 4.5 years, lived together for 3.

Start of the relationship went well, although love bombing in hindsight. Then just after he moved in I discovered he was an alcoholic. A very traumatic year passed as he lost his job and was drinking by daily. Long custody battles in court for his child, his family completely toxic encouraging drink and actually trying to ruin my life (maliciously calling my work, SS, etc I fell out of love with him in this time and asked him to move out. He begged for a 2nd chance and said he would get sober and do all the work on himself for a chance to be with me.

He did. He has been sober for 18 months, back in work (quite profitable business). He does everything ‘right’ puts money in the household; probably does more in the house and garden than I do, has built a relationship with his DD, gone NC with his whole family, buys me surprise presents, makes sure we spend time together, books trips away, walks my dogs if I am busy, literally on paper, everything absolutely right.

However. He is so full on. Bordering desperate. He constantly complains I don’t spend enough time with him, that he wants more of me, he wants to work on our relationship, he is constantly asking me to come back to bed after the school run etc (we don’t live near my selective DD’s sixth form so I have to drive her), how I am always busy with work. He says all the time how I am his priority, how he has put ‘everything’ in to me and us and it almost feels that I owe him for this. If I am not hanging off him he feels rejection. It’s suffocating!

But I feel awful. He has done and does everything ‘right’.

I read posts on here and see how shit men can be and look at my life and think I am being so ungrateful.

I just want him to chill. But I’ve spoken to him about it loads and he says that he wants our relationship to be intense and ‘obsessed’ and that ‘he won’t be told it’s not amazing to feel the way he does about me’.

What shall I do????

I have quite clearly said to him, you had to get sober you were vomiting blood, you had to go NC with your family as are abusive and one member tried to run you over and the other harmed your child, but he still says he cut contact with them ‘for me’ it’s delusional.

he asked me the other day what I would say if he got back in contact with them. I said I would be disappointed after everything they put him though and he told me I was controlling 😐

He did, I almost remember the moment I realised I didnt love him, fact I hated him.
and I don’t think those feelings can come back after that

I work from home. So I am always there he just stays up with me.

You don’t love him and there’s no indication you’re afraid of him. Yet you won’t leave him. Not really sure what you want anyone to say.

I was the person your partner is. It took the end of a relationship to make me actually do the work on myself and change; even then, it took years. I had to learn it wasn't normal or healthy rely on another person to love me / spend time with me to fill some emptiness in myself. I also had addiction issues. I told my partner I loved him so many times a day, I was devastated if he didn't say it back. I look back in horror, as I was also terribly manipulative and completely driven by fear. Please end the relationship for the sake of your daughter and yourself.

But he also told me that he ‘can’t and shouldn’t be held responsible for his past when he has made so many positive changes’
But he remains responsible for his past.
It's great that he stopped drinking but he still has a lot of work to do. AA and the 12 step programme might be the way for him to go. Thinking that he deserves everything his own way because he has managed to stop drinking is not going to serve him well; neither will claiming he's doing everything right when he's actually being demanding and needy. Manipulating other people to get his needs met is part of the addict's MO and he hasn't dealt with that yet.

Get rid of him. Sounds very unhealthy.
get the locks changed the same day.

Very good advice OP!

He's far from perfect. He's needy and demanding and treating you like a commodity in his life. I'd hate to go back to bed after the school run. I want to get on with my day, not service some horny pestering creep.

On the upside, his obsession is not with his daughter. Could you imagine trying to cope with this as a child not the sex part obviously but the rest. OMG.

I would be making plans to leave the tenancy and get out because I agree with others, he has the potential to be very nasty.

If you don't, I don't think you will see your DD for dust when she goes to uni. Who would come home to this, bring friends home or feel remotely safe for that matter.

This is screaming BPD/EUPD.

He's got an addictive personality OP. I know because my late DH was similar. He was an alcoholic who tried to go sober. During that time he became fixated with all sorts of things, even TV programmes. He actually started to weep on my shoulder about one episode of Heartbeat and asking me if the character involved would be alright. It sounds comical but it was actually quite frightening. He eventually started drinking again and it killed him. Don't forget, alcoholics have damaged brains.

Thank you for this perspective. I honestly believe he has insecurities dating back to childhood which are unresolved. I have encouraged him to do his own thing and get some help too but at the moment he only wants me and for me to be a certain way towards him 100% of the time.

Exactly this!!!!

OP, I really feel for you. I was once in the situation of feeling like I couldn't end my relationship because of what the other person might do and because they'd changed "for me". I can see looking back how unhealthy and inappropriate it was, but at the time it can be so hard to untangle things like this.

I can see from your posts how you are realising this isn't ok and his actions are selfish and manipulative. I really hope you can break free of him soon, and realise how suffocated you've been.

There is also a huge crossover with NPD

The lovebombing, manipulation, control and victim hood scream Narc* to me.

The biggest clue is that the Op will always be to blame

*Its a very overused term and not used lightly here

He might genuinely love you or you might just be his alcohol replacement

Either doesn’t mean you should stay

It’s not all about what he wants or does. This is about what you want.

When he says he has done everything right have you ever pointed out that he hasn’t

Taking the day off work when you just want to relax on your own as a starter
Sending you explicit texts every 5 minutes at the supermarket.
Smothering you with demands for sex. The amount of text messages you get when you aren’t in his sight.

It wouldn’t matter if he “fixed” these issues. That inner voice is telling you, you don’t love him.

It sounded like when he was drinking you fell out of love with him. He stopped drinking and he expected you to just erase from your mind everything that had happened before.

People don’t work like that
Just because he was too drunk to remember the shit he did doesn’t mean everyone else also forgot.

He won’t take ownership of all that happened and has no emotional intelligence to figure out you don’t want him or his idea of being the perfect partner.

I agree with this. A close family member is an alcoholic and they've not been drinking for years now but does swap one addiction for another. It then became weed and now it's smoking.

Which bit of him is ‘perfect’!!! You lost me at (recovering?) alcoholic. That alone would be enough for me to say bye. You’ll never trust him really ever.

@Suffocatedlove
The reason you dont love him is that you have no idea who he really is, because he doesnt know who he is, hes lacking a real sense of self.
Every interaction is to manipulate you into maintaining his fantasy version of himself
It doesnt really exist

He thinks obsession means love. It absolutely doesn't.

I feel trapped for you ...and nervous.
He's very controlling..wanting sex and sex talk and texting. its making me cringe .
He sorted himself out but actually gone the other way and gone over the top
I can feel that you feel suffocated by him.
I had a relationship similar to this.Luckily we lived miles apart so it was a lot easier to end it than it would have been if he lived with me.

He may have dealt with his alcohol use, but he hasn’t dealt with the underlying issues.

you don’t owe him a relationship just because he got sober. You also aren’t responsible if breaking up causes his sobriety to falter.

It's time to give your daughter her home back OP.

She needs her home to be a sanctuary so that she can enter young adulthood with her mental health intact.

So it's time to end the relationship.

I know it seems overwhelming and almost impossible right now, but the only way to do it is to break the task down into tiny manageable chunks and work through them one at a time.

So:

1. Contact Women's Aid, or a local domestic abuse charity if you have one, to explain the situation and ask for their advice. This is crucial. You don't know how he'll react to your ending the relationship and you need to be fully informed and prepared.

1. Get independent advice from Citizens Advice or Shelter about where you stand legally re the tenancy. You'll either need to get his name removed from the tenancy, or end the tenancy agreement altogether and start afresh elsewhere.

1. Write down what do you need to do, based on the advice you've got from 1 and 2.

Do all of this behind his back. Get all your ducks in a row without him knowing and get your friends onside. (They will be absolutely delighted for you).

Then, with the support of Women's Aid or equivalent and the police if necessary, you can take the final step of ending the relationship and living apart from him. Make sure that your safety is the top priority at this time. You may need people physically with you, quite possibly male friends and/or the police, at this time.

You've got this OP. One tiny step at a time and you'll get there, to a place of peace and freedom for you and your DD.

He might have addressed the drinking itself but it doesn't sound like he's done ANY work to address the reasons for the drinking. So because he hasn't dealt with those issues he's gaslighting and manipulating you so you don't leave he and he has to face those issues,

You need to leave and he needs to get help for himself if he wants to.