DP ‘perfect’ but I can’t bear it!

[Suffocatedlove]

Will try and get all the info in as not to drip feed. NC but long term on mumsnet.

I am 36 & DP is 41. I have 17 yr old DD and he has 7 yr old DD. No children together. No plans to have any. We live together in my house. Been together 4.5 years, lived together for 3.

Start of the relationship went well, although love bombing in hindsight. Then just after he moved in I discovered he was an alcoholic. A very traumatic year passed as he lost his job and was drinking by daily. Long custody battles in court for his child, his family completely toxic encouraging drink and actually trying to ruin my life (maliciously calling my work, SS, etc I fell out of love with him in this time and asked him to move out. He begged for a 2nd chance and said he would get sober and do all the work on himself for a chance to be with me.

He did. He has been sober for 18 months, back in work (quite profitable business). He does everything ‘right’ puts money in the household; probably does more in the house and garden than I do, has built a relationship with his DD, gone NC with his whole family, buys me surprise presents, makes sure we spend time together, books trips away, walks my dogs if I am busy, literally on paper, everything absolutely right.

However. He is so full on. Bordering desperate. He constantly complains I don’t spend enough time with him, that he wants more of me, he wants to work on our relationship, he is constantly asking me to come back to bed after the school run etc (we don’t live near my selective DD’s sixth form so I have to drive her), how I am always busy with work. He says all the time how I am his priority, how he has put ‘everything’ in to me and us and it almost feels that I owe him for this. If I am not hanging off him he feels rejection. It’s suffocating!

But I feel awful. He has done and does everything ‘right’.

I read posts on here and see how shit men can be and look at my life and think I am being so ungrateful.

I just want him to chill. But I’ve spoken to him about it loads and he says that he wants our relationship to be intense and ‘obsessed’ and that ‘he won’t be told it’s not amazing to feel the way he does about me’.

What shall I do????

He's not perfect, he's a sex pest with lots of other annoying habits.

I do push against all of this. But it’s at an emotional cost because he moans and whinges on. I don’t feel scared of him. In fact I feel quite sorry for him.

I am more drained and bored of it all and how constant it is

He has said before he will never ever leave me or leave quietly.

That sounds ominous. You will need to seek help from women’s aid and the police by the sounds of it.

She has one child, her 17 year old that told her how horrible it was having to live with this alcoholic. The other child belongs to him and unfortunately will continue to be impacted by his behaviour regardless.

OP, does he refer to himself as your husband because he’s deranged or because you’ve actually married him? I really hope it’s not the latter.

I mean I’d actually be worried about stalking once you do split up. Have you ever broached separating?

Why can't you tell him straight that your relationship has run its course? There's no point waiting.

If he’s in active recovery, ideally with a twelve step programme then he should know damn well that this is co-dependent behaviour with added love / sex addiction. He is what people in recovery would call “using on you”. Trying to escape his feelings by viewing you as the answer to everything. That’s why it feels so uncomfortable and inauthentic to you.

Google “dry drunk”. Without truly looking at the underlying causes of his drinking, chances are he will relapse or continue this kind of addictive behaviour.

Try attending an al-anon meeting online. You might find it helpful as the partner of an alcoholic

I don’t think you mentioned his bad temper or that you are scared of him but the more you write the more i get a distinct feeling that he can be dangerous. I mean it is there, right under the surface, the way i read it. He manipulates you, in a cheerful voice i imagine, but dared you actually have an argument with him… the anger in him would soon come out. Anger of an addict who needs a fix and can’t get it. He has obviously internalised it and coped by drinking but who is to say he would not become volatile and violent?

Reading your posts makes me want to scream at him to piss off and chuck his things out, today. Have you had shouting arguments with him, how does he behave then? Does he make thinly veiled threats? Does he intimidate you? Have you seen that side of him? Be careful.

Perhaps it’s time to gather your allies in your friends who hate him anyways.

When does your tenancy end, perhaps it’s time to come up with plausible reason why you must move when that’s up, e.g. to be closer to your daughter’s school? Find a place for yourself which will be too small to accommodate him. At least then you have your space where he can’t let himself in. I don’t know if that is feasible.

We are not married but he refers to himself as my husband and gets annoyed if I mention he is my partner

Jesus OP, I feel anxious at your description of how he's been since getting home from work. It's like you are all he thinks about. The comment about how he's said he would never leave quietly is so fucked up!

'Then just after he moved in I discovered he was an alcoholic.'

So ending this relationship is 3 years overdue.

It's not even worth putting any more thought into. Who has time for all that drama? Free yourself and enjoy life with your daughter.

Has he moved into your owned/rented property OP?

What do you want to happen?

I am concerned about your safety, and that you might not see the abuse for what it is. You don't think you owe him anything, do you?

Again. Stalker.

None of this is 'for you' because he has absolutely no interest in what you want. He's only interested in building the fantasy in his head.

If he were living in your hedge, claiming he left his job 'for you', bought nightvision goggles 'for you', stares through your window 'for you', set fire to your boss's car 'for you' ... you'd not feel guilty about calling the police and having him removed, would you?

The fact that the things he's doing 'for you' are (for the most part) supposedly nice things doesn't change the underlying reality.

He's not doing anything 'for you', he's doing it all for himself.

You aren't a person to him. You're a vending machine. He's putting 'nice' tokens in and thinks he therefore deserves his fantasy out. He doesn’t. Even if he genuinely were 'perfect' instead of a suffocating nightmare that still wouldn't entitle him to an automatic ideal fantasy relationship. Or any relationship.

As it is, he's not perfect. He's vile. You know that.

Genuine question - does he have a personality disorder?

I think you are going to have to move. Sorry. I mean, you can try, but you’ll need support from women’s aid. Please start that ball rolling immediately.

Does he inspect your phone? Because you may need to take steps with that, too.

As for him making it clear he cut contact with his family and stopped drink8ng ‘for you’, well that’s fine then. He will be pleased to get back in touch with his family with their abusive ways. That is his normal. The way they behaved to him, which you recognised was dysfunctional, is his normal. Beware.

I do I feel I owe him a chance, and the love he appears to crave because he got sober and has actively changed his life to be better, he says for me. He only changed when I told him it was over and he knew I meant it (at the time)

FFS. This is tiresome.

You “owe” your Daughter

I have no idea. He is odd. He has an odd look on things. Feels he is ‘owed a relationship with his daughter at all costs’. Feels he is owed forgiveness for giving up drinking etc.

He feels that love is obsessional or it’s not real love. He has form for sharing locations and cheating in previous relationships and actively says that people who cheat are ‘not getting what they want’. He seems to play down quite anti social behaviour

I don't think you realise quite how bad this is OP, his behaviour is so far removed from normal it's actually scary and you're definitely going to need to think carefully about your (and DD's) safety as you try to extricate yourself. PP's have already pointed out the risks of him escalating to stalking etc but sadly we all know it can be even worse than that and from everything you've said he's not likely to take the rejection well is he so your focus has to be on keeping you and DD safe.

So it's either the official route, Women's Aid, police, non-molestation order etc or gather your people around you and scare him off mob handed. Just don't try to do this on your own, I honestly don't think it would be safe.

What do you think you owe him? A chance at what?

This is his chance and he is using it to pester you for sex and demand that you be obsessed with him. Every day he has a chance to show you who he is. Every day he is showing you who he is.

What do you owe yourself?

Peace? Happiness?

Is this it?

Would you say you recognise that you are being coercively controlled?

He feels that love is obsessional or it’s not real love.

He's been grooming you.

But you don't love him?

This man is freaking me out.

As far as your children are concerned, I'd bet my house they are freaked out by him, too. Does he ever let you spend any time in the house without him in the room? Are you ever able to sit with your children and have a chat without him?

I'd be afraid - terrified - that my children would leave home as soon as possible and never return. In fact if I were them I'd be looking at New Zealand as a possible place to live.

OP - this. You owe your daughter a safe, drama-free upbringing, and she's not getting that when there's a nagging sex pest living in her mum's house dictating her every move and trying to shag her on the sofa. No teenage girl should be experiencing that. Stop prioritising this sad excuse for a man and think about your girl. Why aren't you putting her first?