DP ‘perfect’ but I can’t bear it!

[Suffocatedlove]

Will try and get all the info in as not to drip feed. NC but long term on mumsnet.

I am 36 & DP is 41. I have 17 yr old DD and he has 7 yr old DD. No children together. No plans to have any. We live together in my house. Been together 4.5 years, lived together for 3.

Start of the relationship went well, although love bombing in hindsight. Then just after he moved in I discovered he was an alcoholic. A very traumatic year passed as he lost his job and was drinking by daily. Long custody battles in court for his child, his family completely toxic encouraging drink and actually trying to ruin my life (maliciously calling my work, SS, etc I fell out of love with him in this time and asked him to move out. He begged for a 2nd chance and said he would get sober and do all the work on himself for a chance to be with me.

He did. He has been sober for 18 months, back in work (quite profitable business). He does everything ‘right’ puts money in the household; probably does more in the house and garden than I do, has built a relationship with his DD, gone NC with his whole family, buys me surprise presents, makes sure we spend time together, books trips away, walks my dogs if I am busy, literally on paper, everything absolutely right.

However. He is so full on. Bordering desperate. He constantly complains I don’t spend enough time with him, that he wants more of me, he wants to work on our relationship, he is constantly asking me to come back to bed after the school run etc (we don’t live near my selective DD’s sixth form so I have to drive her), how I am always busy with work. He says all the time how I am his priority, how he has put ‘everything’ in to me and us and it almost feels that I owe him for this. If I am not hanging off him he feels rejection. It’s suffocating!

But I feel awful. He has done and does everything ‘right’.

I read posts on here and see how shit men can be and look at my life and think I am being so ungrateful.

I just want him to chill. But I’ve spoken to him about it loads and he says that he wants our relationship to be intense and ‘obsessed’ and that ‘he won’t be told it’s not amazing to feel the way he does about me’.

What shall I do????

He sounds utterly revolting - a needy, clingy, severely manipulative manbaby sex pest. He acts like a toddler demanding 24/7 attention from their mother, then wants sex. Boak.

He has replaced one deeply problematic behaviour with another. He’s made you into his 24/7 emotional support animal and therapist, rather than cope with the sorrows he was drowning. It sounds like he has a fear of abandonment, and his way of dealing with that is to force you to constantly reassure him, to be by his side or on call at all times, and to manipulate and control you with feeling obligated to serving his needs.

You really need to get rid of this burden, so get your ducks in a row. Do you want the rest of your life to look this this? He won’t change. He is personality disordered and they are essentially incapable of changing their thought patterns.

Sounds like a classic addict. Many people who have an addictive personality are like this. Once they get over one addiction they have to replace it with another, that’s just who they are. Like many drug addicts who get clean then “find god”. They’re always the ones most obsessed with religion. My ex was addicted to cocaine. He got clean then became addicted to the gym. He’d spend hours there every day, but it was never enough. Then he managed to let go of that and became a workaholic. He was in sales, and tbf he became amazing at his job and earned 10 times more commission than anyone else there because he just would not stop, always trying to earn more and more. He never had space in his life for anything else while in the grip of these addictions, and they completely took over his life. I don’t think your ex is going to change. I guess you could try encouraging him to redirect his need to be obsessed with something away from you and towards something that might not be too detrimental to your relationship. Like gardening or something. But I doubt talking to him will work because it’s who he is rather than a behaviour he’s exhibiting

Somehow, I don't think someone who thinks it's OK to bombard his DP with 'Dick Pics' while she's at the supermarket it going to accept bread baking or reading as an alternative. He sounds bloody horrendous

"I think the reason Iv stayed is because I can’t work out whether it is genuine love and I am just being cold or whether it is over the top."

It doesn't matter if it's genuine love (although I suspect it's not)... YOU don't love him so you need to leave. That's the end of it.

No. Remind him that he has changed his whole life for himself and his daughter. He doesn't (or shouldn't) need anyone else to complete him.

your feelings of suffocation are completely valid.

This is not a good relationship, let alone perfect.

he's gaslighting and guilt tripping you. He doesn’t love you. He’s using you. He's manipulating you.

He sounds quite scary, and I think you need to be aware that when you end it (please please end it) he may get very nasty. Because you are no longer doing what he wants. You aren’t a real person to him, you are a source of supply for his addiction

i hope you can find support for yourself and extricate yourself.

He sounds awful and I’m sorry you’re in this situation @Suffocatedlove

As others have said, it’s worth getting advice from a domestic abuse charity about ending the relationship safely.

This is not being perfect.

Hes a sex pest who tries to coerce and emotionally blackmail you into stuff you don't want to do at a time you haven't got the time to do it. He then guilt trips you for not prioritising him over your other responsibilities.

He has an obsessive personality and whilst he has stopped drinking, it looks like he has merely replaced it with another unhealthy and obsessive behaviour.

He then gets to blame you for cutting out the toxic family members.

He does not care about how you feel. It is still enormously self centred, just with a different focus compared to when he was drinking.

He needs to find something else to do. Unfortunately, whatever that might be, its liable to end up being obsessive type behaviour too.

See this for what it is. Another manifestation of an unhealthy personality trait of obsession that is becoming increasingly controlling. This is a potentionally dangerous situation for you.

He's not changed. He's just transferred the problem onto a different method.

I told him we were over, but I can't remember the details tbh it was 30+ years ago. WE were only dating so it was relatively easier to say 'I think we have to stop seeing each other, sorry' or similar. He was very upset but I didn't feel he would threaten me but we were nowhere near living together at that point . I don't think he would have - though of course I will never know.

The emotional blackmail came when I started dating someone else. He phoned me (was pre mobile phones so I have a feeling he had tracked me down to a friend's house and rung her landline, I know I wasn't at home at the time) telling me he felt suicidal because I was dating someone else. He had previously (during the relationship) told me he had attempted S. twice previously (which should have had me running a mile at the time, but it took a bit longer to realise I wanted out).

So yes big emotional blackmail, but I only felt pity mixed with contempt by this point.

You’re being EXTREMELY naive if you think she’s ok about him now, and not being further damaged by him remaining with you in her home. Sadly again you probably won’t realise till she comes to you in a few years time with black eyes from her partner.

he says that he wants our relationship to be intense and ‘obsessed’ and that ‘he won’t be told it’s not amazing to feel the way he does about me.

then he will have to accepted that he is driving you away
Little by little he is chipping away at the love you have left for him & tossing it in he garbage as he is so obsessed with his love for you, with total disregard for the fact love needs to be mutual

I had an ex that moved halfway across the country to be closer to me. From my perspective, he was a FWB in a place that I liked visiting. I told him not to do it, at least not on account of me, but he did it anyway b/c he had decided this was true love and it fit the romantic fantasy he was telling himself. He handed his notice in, moved out of his flat, and started again somewhere else. We broke up within two months. He totally upended his life "for me", but I felt no guilt whatsoever. Actually, he needed to change stuff anyway and I was just the hook that he hung it on -- and yes, his life got worse after to begin with but then he rebuilt and as far as I am aware is now in a better place. This is not about you: it's about him. Do not feel the guilt.

It’s all about him.

My ex was like this. When we split, he had a four hour phone call with me- all about how I had dumped him and he was sui3idal. Then he rang back and denied he'd said this - all through melodramatic sobbing. I ended up having to get the phone company to block his number, and tell my managers at work because he started ringing there.
It w\as awful for about a month. And then..... he found another girlfriend! Also made her life a misery- she's a teacher and he came and kicked in a window at her school.
These guys- they always find someone else and they are basically selfish and indestructible. They are parasites

I really am sorry to read this. I also feel sorry for the guy who is trying (in every sense), obviously means well but has little idea of how to conduct a live in relationship. I couldn't stand it, I'd feel suffocated.

Splitting up would be the best thing for you and please don't delay it. Explain everything to him, slowly and concisely, then get on with your life while he sorts out somewhere to go. You could help him make shortlists on Rightmove. Do your best to keep a distance while you are still under the same roof - that is not going to be easy for either of you. You must establish firm boundaries and stick to them. It would be wonderful if you and your daughter had somewhere to go while he is home hunting but life isn't like that.

I expect you are worried he will return to drink in his disappointment. You are not responsible for his actions and it sounds as though you have more than done your best. Let's hope that doesn't happen, he worked hard to get his life back and needs to build on that. At the same time he has to face up to the fact that how he is with you is not healthy, and unfair to you.

This really is an awful situation and I hope so much that it can be resolved quickly, for everyone's sake, not least his little girl's. She needs stability.

Good luck.

Not sure bread baking is really going to help her get rid of her live-in stalker tbh.

I was about to say the exact same thing. It’s probably partly why in AA people are told to swear of relationships for a while.

OP this is massively unhealthy and potentially dangerous. It doesn’t sound like he will react well if you ever try to end things.

Obsession is not love op. It’s obsession.

You’re his codependent support human and you have mixed up love here for codependency. This has never been a healthy relationship.

Going forward you need to be rid of this man who manipulated you. Use all means at your disposal to get him out. Even now you have a choice re him
and your dd does not. She too has been through more than enough already and it will likely affect her going forward too. I would urge you to get therapy for yourself re these men starting with your absent father and reset what you have learnt about relationships to date. You cannot be a rescuer or saviour in a relationship, neither approach works as you are seeing.

Chuck him out of YOUR house for goodness sake. He is a waste of space and a scrounger.

Grow up.

You don't love him.

He killed you relationship and eroded your trust with his behaviour. The fact that he has "changed" his behaviour is doesn't change that or fix it. The relationship isn't magically repaired.

He didn't change for you. I'd put a stop to those comments. He changed because he chose to. What exactly was the alternative? To carry-on being a drunk and have toxic relationship with his family. He can do that if he wants. You don't owe him anything. If he chooses to lapse if you leave him that's on him.

When you talk about him even in these belief posts I get the sense of ick and repulsion. Your done. You just feel guilty and bad about it. Most probably because he's a hugely manipulative person who's constantly spinning the narrative.

LTB, and be free of his nonsense. You don't need to justify it. You don't need a reason. It doesn't matter how perfect he tries to be. You aren't happy and you don't want to continue the relationship. Your done.

Is there no part of you that feel uncomfortable leaving your 17 year old DD home alone with this sex obsessed man whilst you work nights? I know I would be uncomfortable as the teen but also as her mother. Imagine if your DD was to come across your messages for some reason, it would be all just filth. He's not normal or healthy.

This sounds insufferable. I’d ask him to leave.

Yep, he killed the relationship and eroded her trust by being an alcoholic with all the problems that brings, which he lied to her about. Now he's trying to spin that into her being the problem - for not giving him enough sex, for not spending enough time with him etc etc - when HE is the one who destroyed the relationship. She is only still there because he's guilted and manipulated her into not leaving.

OP, please see this. He's so far from 'perfect' that it's a joke. This isn't a healthy relationship for you to be in, or to expose your daughter to, and you need to get out for all your sakes.

I've read all your posts and he is a manipulative and controlling man, as others have said.

he says that he wants our relationship to be intense and ‘obsessed’ This is just disturbing.

I hope you break free from him soon OP. He's absolutely awful.