DP ‘perfect’ but I can’t bear it!

[Suffocatedlove]

Will try and get all the info in as not to drip feed. NC but long term on mumsnet.

I am 36 & DP is 41. I have 17 yr old DD and he has 7 yr old DD. No children together. No plans to have any. We live together in my house. Been together 4.5 years, lived together for 3.

Start of the relationship went well, although love bombing in hindsight. Then just after he moved in I discovered he was an alcoholic. A very traumatic year passed as he lost his job and was drinking by daily. Long custody battles in court for his child, his family completely toxic encouraging drink and actually trying to ruin my life (maliciously calling my work, SS, etc I fell out of love with him in this time and asked him to move out. He begged for a 2nd chance and said he would get sober and do all the work on himself for a chance to be with me.

He did. He has been sober for 18 months, back in work (quite profitable business). He does everything ‘right’ puts money in the household; probably does more in the house and garden than I do, has built a relationship with his DD, gone NC with his whole family, buys me surprise presents, makes sure we spend time together, books trips away, walks my dogs if I am busy, literally on paper, everything absolutely right.

However. He is so full on. Bordering desperate. He constantly complains I don’t spend enough time with him, that he wants more of me, he wants to work on our relationship, he is constantly asking me to come back to bed after the school run etc (we don’t live near my selective DD’s sixth form so I have to drive her), how I am always busy with work. He says all the time how I am his priority, how he has put ‘everything’ in to me and us and it almost feels that I owe him for this. If I am not hanging off him he feels rejection. It’s suffocating!

But I feel awful. He has done and does everything ‘right’.

I read posts on here and see how shit men can be and look at my life and think I am being so ungrateful.

I just want him to chill. But I’ve spoken to him about it loads and he says that he wants our relationship to be intense and ‘obsessed’ and that ‘he won’t be told it’s not amazing to feel the way he does about me’.

What shall I do????

This is so scary for his DD. Does he emotionally blackmail her too? Does he also tell her she owes him love and attention?

He's a dopamine adventurer. Nothing you give him will be enough long term. Time to get him out and protect your self worth, this type is draining. Best of luck

This!
You don't owe him anything, you don't need to go into huge reasons about why you want to leave him.
I do think it's a very good idea to get advice from a domestic violence charity though.

You’re centering him again. If it’s too exhausting for him up to him to change. Your thought should be it is so fucking exhausting for ME to be existing in the same house as him.

How long had you been in the relationship? Had you seen the signs?

I think given you have already answered the question Do you love him and your inner voice is screaming No
You have to ask yourself why you are staying

What do you really want?
What would your daughter want?

And if it isn’t him, if it isn’t this life of being controlled by someone’s obsession/addiction then you need to focus on resetting your life without this person in it.

If you are struggling to come to terms with the idea that you are dumping someone who “loves” you. Think of it in terms of finishing this relationship because you are standing in his was of getting the help he clearly needs.
You can’t change his delusions and addictions, you don’t have the qualifications.

Then later, when he has actually worked through his addiction issues you would be in the way of him finding someone where the attraction is mutual and they could go on to create their own family and life together.

Equally you stepping aside would mean you too could be free to find someone you can have a long and happy life with.

Together you are both unhappy. You feel suffocated and his need for control and obsession over you comes from a place where deep down he knows you and he aren’t right together. He knows you don’t love him to the extent he wants and this results in him being delusional and more than a little unhinged trying to desperately hold on to you.

I really feel the whole situation with him and his DD is another thread entirely. Genuinely he and his ex have some very odd views about having a child. Both feel that she is property that they are owed and entitled to, unless they don’t want her then she is up for grabs so to speak in terms of contact.

This isn’t relevant to your situation beyond confirming you need to dump and run

I think he does know I don’t feel the same about him. We had a huge argument last year and I told him repeatedly that I didn’t love him because of what he did. He cried for hours and refused to leave. My DD was due home from her dads so I had to smooth it over because he was being so dramatic I couldn’t have her in the house with him too. And life just continued after that. He still brings up to this day how much I hurt him in that moment.

It’s really hard because throughout this relationship even in the really bad times I have tried to protect DD and her peace. But he knows this, he knows that I will try and smooth things over for her so he can remain steadfast in his emotions as long as it takes.

I am calling Women’s aid today while at work to see what they suggest.

I want to stay in my home: it’s a beautiful home my daughter and I created before him and after her dad left. She had spent all her childhood moving around because of her dad’s issues so I want the stability for her. I also have various pets that I can’t just leave for a few days and have never trusted him with. I don’t have family I locally I can stay with.
The thing I probably regret the most (after the obvious) is allowing him to bend my arm about the tenancy because that has made all of this so much more difficult.

My daughter is going away this weekend with her dad, so I am planning to lay it out to him then.

How long have you got on the tenancy

I hope you do tell him this weekend op, this sort of coercive control isn’t going to get any better and it is no way to demonstrate a healthy relationship with a child in the home.

I am not exaggerating when I say it makes my skin crawl how you’re living, he knows what he’s doing, he knows the impact and he’s doing it to continue to damage you, it’s horrible.

but I keep coming back to the fact you have chosen to continue with this man, to let him treat you like this and even wrote in your op he was perfect. Which indicates you simply can’t see how sickening it is.

Your partner is very, very big on owning people isn't he?

That poor girl. She has very little chance of understanding healthy relationships, unless by sheer chance she's one of the relatively rare people who instinctively understands. Most of us have to learn - either we see it modelled (in which case personally I think it's part of the duty of parents to teach children what warning signs to look for) or we learn over time by getting into bad relationships. Sometimes appalling ones, like this one.

I really think you need to watch out for your safety, @Suffocatedlove

Again, as you are contacting Women’s Aid, follow their advice re: leaving the relationship. I’m not sure without sorting out the tenancy agreement issue or having somewhere else to go that having it out with him this weekend is a good idea? Won’t you be in the same situation, a hellish weekend with him that you then need to smooth over before your daughter gets back? I think you need to, as they say, get all your ducks in a row because he’s not going to leave just because you say it’s over.

But he also told me that he ‘can’t and shouldn’t be held responsible for his past when he has made so many positive changes’

Another huge red flag OP, surely. We do all have to take some responsibility for how we have been in the past, even if we have done the work to change. It is being an adult.

I am so shocked at all of this. I mean, I know there are people like him out there, but wow. And I do think you are in so much more danger than you realise.

Can I give 4 pieces of advice:

1. Follow what Women's Aid says.
2. Have an action plan of how you want the relationship to end with clear timelines. Don't be ambiguous, he will sense any doubt and play on that.
3. Have some stock phrases ready. Tell him it's over and you will not be discussing it. He will try to wear you down and talk you round and he is so manipulative he will talk circles around you.
4. Warn your daughter that you are doing this. That way she can be prepared if things go sideways and you don't have to do any smoothing over of things.

I wish you all the luck.

Agreed. And he is profoundly unstable, unable to accept any responsibility for his actions and obsessed with you.

I think you need to play this very carefully OP. I would be considering him capable of anything - move any paperwork and anything you value very highly out of the house now, and take Women's Aid advice very seriously.

This man doesn't know you, but you don't know what he's capable either. I've had dealings in a semi-professional level with people like him and seriously, "hope for the best but prepare for the worst".

He sounds insecure. Have you tried couples therapy? It might help you establish boundaries which sound like all you need.

Aaaaaaaaarrrrgggghhhh RTFT

But he still is the alcoholic abuser op. Just that he’s not currently drinking.

I feel so suffocated on your behalf. I really hope you can extricate you and your DD safely. She’s told you what you need to do op. Good luck

Same here. I feel really sorry for her having this mess imposed on her.

Please OP make sure you have someone with you when you tell him, he sounds very unstable and whilst you say you feel safe I don’t think it could harm to have another man present (ideally). If I’m wrong great, no fuss, but it feels like he could kick off, you rejecting him and removing his home, he will not be happy. It is not your problem and you have to get rid of him. Hopefully Women’s Aid are helpful today.

In reality, after reading your posts, he still remains in your life because of your joint rental.
So,
Could he afford the rent/expenses alone? Would your owner rent to him alone ?.
Can you get his name off the lease ?

When you tell him that it’s not working for you, he Will say he is not leaving. This is the battle now.
So you have to be immediately strong & dominant. with the affirmation it was DDs home before he arrived. The relationship is over & he has x time to find an alternative. ? (You could tell him the owner will not rent to him solo in view of his alcoholic history. which you can prove …. Bluff, do whatever it takes)

or, potentially, say you need a break, its overwhelming, blablabla, just get him out. Then get the lease changed

At the end you may have to sacrifice your home to sever this limpet from your life.
You may have to accept that.

He knows you don’t want to move, for all the reasons you have stated, he Will use this.

Is your tenancy still in the fixed term or has it moved to periodic? Can you afford it alone - I don't just mean financially but can you meet affordability checks with the landlord/agency?
If the tenancy is periodic or coming to the end of the fixed term you can discuss with the landlord whether they would be willing to accept your notice to end the tenancy and give you a sole tenancy on the same day. It's a bit legally dodgy and if your DP was on the ball he could potentially take legal action to challenge it but chances are he wouldn't. You'd have to tell him when you serve notice though and enforce getting him to leave which would not be easy