DP ‘perfect’ but I can’t bear it!

[Suffocatedlove]

Will try and get all the info in as not to drip feed. NC but long term on mumsnet.

I am 36 & DP is 41. I have 17 yr old DD and he has 7 yr old DD. No children together. No plans to have any. We live together in my house. Been together 4.5 years, lived together for 3.

Start of the relationship went well, although love bombing in hindsight. Then just after he moved in I discovered he was an alcoholic. A very traumatic year passed as he lost his job and was drinking by daily. Long custody battles in court for his child, his family completely toxic encouraging drink and actually trying to ruin my life (maliciously calling my work, SS, etc I fell out of love with him in this time and asked him to move out. He begged for a 2nd chance and said he would get sober and do all the work on himself for a chance to be with me.

He did. He has been sober for 18 months, back in work (quite profitable business). He does everything ‘right’ puts money in the household; probably does more in the house and garden than I do, has built a relationship with his DD, gone NC with his whole family, buys me surprise presents, makes sure we spend time together, books trips away, walks my dogs if I am busy, literally on paper, everything absolutely right.

However. He is so full on. Bordering desperate. He constantly complains I don’t spend enough time with him, that he wants more of me, he wants to work on our relationship, he is constantly asking me to come back to bed after the school run etc (we don’t live near my selective DD’s sixth form so I have to drive her), how I am always busy with work. He says all the time how I am his priority, how he has put ‘everything’ in to me and us and it almost feels that I owe him for this. If I am not hanging off him he feels rejection. It’s suffocating!

But I feel awful. He has done and does everything ‘right’.

I read posts on here and see how shit men can be and look at my life and think I am being so ungrateful.

I just want him to chill. But I’ve spoken to him about it loads and he says that he wants our relationship to be intense and ‘obsessed’ and that ‘he won’t be told it’s not amazing to feel the way he does about me’.

What shall I do????

He’s replaced one addiction with another.

Like a couple of other people I think he sounds like a toddler running after his mummy and demanding her attention all the time, at all costs.

I too think that like a toddler, only a giant one with an adult's brain, he could be very destructive when he's denied something he believes he needs.

Please be careful.

I understand everything you have said and I have even said to him in arguments that he only wants the house and the ‘life’ he denied this obviously.

He tells me that all his thoughts and all his decisions are about me and basically why can’t I do the same.

He is off with me tonight as he has ‘read the room’ 🙄 I feel stronger today from posting and not bowing to his incessant demands as much. Obviously in doing so he has created the same narrative that there must be something wrong with me tonight that I’m not telling him

how exhausting it must be for him to just exist

So what are you going to do about it??

Do you feel strong enough to meet his "I love you" with "No you don't"?

Do you understand that OP only posted this morning? This isn't a soap opera episode that you want concluding.

He couldn’t sound less perfect, he sounds awful and you sound like you’ve got Stockholm syndrome.

It sounds like he has an attachment disorder. Especially given the info about his family. You cant fix him. He cant relax in a relationship, he feels he has to work hard to keep you close. You should suggest he gets some therapy, but it doesnt mean you should stay with him.

The thing is, he isn’t the man you first knew and fell for, and invited to move in. Or the drunk you gradually discovered him to be.
He’s a third person. One you didn’t know when he moved in. One you didn’t invite into the life of you and your DD. One you didn’t choose.

Tonight's behaviour just reinforces what I tried to say earlier.

In his mind you only exist as an object in his orbit, not as a whole person with needs and feelings of their own.

So when he sees you acting differently, his immediate concern is himself, and how it affects or might affect him. Notice he didn't ask if you were OK, offer support etc like a loving partner would do if they sensed something was wrong.

This is a very good way of putting it! I actually have no idea who he is anymore.

He isn’t the first guy, not the drunk abuser, but this hybrid of both but it’s almost uncanny

But hes not perfect. He's controlling and weird. End it if you want to and dont worry about it.

He has an addictive personality and one addiction has turned to another.

how exhausting it must be for him to just exist

Why do you even care? Stop thinking about him and his life and his moods and his needs and start thinking about your young daughter's needs and your own.

Tell him it is over - no need for big post mortem about why or what or anything just "this is no longer working for me I need you to move out" and repeat. If he insists on staying because he is on the tenancy tell him you are giving notice to the landlord and will be moving out yourself when the tenancy is up. Actually talk to the landlord before hand and see what you can do.

You got a humdinger here - make getting rid of him your priority.

He’s performative and that’s it. He might seem happy and proud as he knows that is what he’s meant to do and it keeps you in your place. He is at best a manipulative sex pest and at worst, has narcissistic traits.

@Suffocatedlove sound alike he had put that addiction from alcohol to you.
Dependency and obsession

I had a boyfriend like this. I broke it off eventually, he threatened suicide to try and force me to stay. I got the police to do a welfare check and stuck to my guns. He didn’t do anything, but if he had, it wouldn’t have been my fault.

You haven’t made him like this OP. This is how he was and is- it isn’t your job to mould him into somebody you can live with. He is a desperately insecure person in constant need of attention and you are totally incompatible. You’ve crossed his path and you can leave whenever you like. I think it will help you to feel better if you’re kind to him about it, but please don’t be manipulated into staying. You’re sacrificing your happiness to keep him happy- what about you?

He's also 'me me me me me me' under that superficial covering of 'us' and 'you', isn't he?

Does he even know, or see, you at all? Or is he blinded by his own all consuming need and phantasies?

Oh no. When I first read the post I had some sympathy with the guy but after reading about the comments he makes, it’s clear that he spends his days guilt tripping and manipulating you, distorting reality in a massive way. It is rooted in his insecurity and he needs help but unless he sees that himself and seriously pursues it no real change will happen. This is very serious. Please keep your head clear. It would crush me to see him crumble but sont feel sorry for him, you won’t be able to see reality clearly if you do. The best thing you can do for him is to put a stop to this.

It reminds me a bit of my first love. He said he loved me way too soon and it left me with an uncanny feeling of the opposite as he hadn’t taken the time to know me yet. I’ve never felt so loved before but it was intense in an unhealthy way that I could not put my finger on, I just I kept rejecting him and taking him back. His fiancé had broken up with him and I think I was the replacement. Engagement was pushed and once he jokingly put a ring on my finger without asking permission. All flattering things except pushing boundaries isn’t flattering. There wasn’t that level of pestering or neediness you describe and he wasn’t as manipulative verbally (or was he) but something was just a bit off. How overly emotional side scared me i guess. I believe he had a sex addiction as a result of a childhood abuse trauma. I only mention that as I see some similarities and thought it might be worth mentioning.

He may be behaving perfectly but how long can he keep that going. You know he isn’t perfect he is suffocating you. If the relationship was perfect you wouldn’t feel this way.

@Suffocatedlove

I suggest that now that you know you need to end that you go 'stealth'. Do what you've always done, don't change or challenge him based on the way you feel now. You don't want him to get suspicious that you've 'woken up' and are planning to leave. That can be the most dangerous time for a woman who is planning to leave a relationship. So duckies in a row with plans for a quick exit. And a place to go if you need to leave suddenly. I know, I sound paranoid. But better to have it and not need it, than need it and not have it.

You've said he was a 'drunk abuser'. No, he is an abuser, period. Being drunk just brought it out. But you don't know what else may bring it out. So you must be very cautious and assume that the abuser is still in there, hiding just beneath the surface. Go carefully and quietly.

Men like this will swear that they'll do anything for you.

But they won't do the one thing that you actually ask for which is to leave you alone and let you go. They will do anything for love, but they won't do that.

They are entirely selfish. It's all part of control and manipulation.

OP I hope that once you see it you can't unsee it and that you take back control of your life for yourself and your daughter.

Ok, how can finishing the relationship work in practical terms?
I think getting advice from Women's Aid is a good idea; they will be used to dealing with narcissist, possibly dangerous, men. But do you want you and your daughter to have to move, initially into a WA place (if available)? Or would you rather stay at your rented place? Though I suspect you would never ever get rid of him even if you changed the locks.
I like the idea that someone proposed of you simply saying 'This is no longer working for me' but I just cannot imagine he would accept that without major manipulation and trying to change your mind.
Would it work that you and your daughter leave to go somewhere for a few days - to friends or a hotel or an Airbnb ...? Don't give him any indication but he would come home from work and find you gone and a letter explaining why you are finishing with him in a letter. Give him two or three days to get out and tell him you have told the landlord he is no longer a co-tenant? You might need to pay him for some notice period, but you do not want him to return. Change the locks of course.
He is such a master manipulator that I doubt he would take you decision lightly, however, it must be done for the future happiness of you and your daughter.
All the best, op.

OP can't just tell the landlord he is no longer a co-tenant. If it's a rolling tenancy (rather than a fixed period tenancy) any joint tenant can give notice and that ends the lease for all tenants. The landlord might be willing to give the OP a new lease in her name only, or they might not. Landlord might choose to put the rent up or might think I don't want this hassle.

If landlord is willing the new lease can't start until the notice period expires.

And OP can't just change the locks.

I haven't RTFT but I have read all your posts OP.
Honestly - this man is very scary. And SO far from perfect!
He insists on everything being the way he wants it, or you 'don't love him enough'. That's not a relationship of equals. That's coercion.
He has manipulated and gaslit you to the point where you doubt your own memories, experiences, and emotions. You're not even allowed to sit on your own sofa in your own house!
You have to leave, for yourself, but also for your DD.
He will make it very difficult- he is obsessed. You will need support, both practical and emotional.
If it's a rented house, which i think it is because you said he's on the tenancy , look at how much notice you need to give. And look for somewhere else to live. If you can afford it, move out ASAP, take your name off any utility bills, just pay your half of the rent and leave him to it.
If you can't afford to just move out, can you move into another bedroom? With a lock on the door and a Ring camera? Document any abusive, manipulative, or controlling behaviour - this could help you get an 'ouster' order to make him move out.
You cannot stay with this man, but you must be prepared for a very messy ending. Protect yourself and your daughter as much as you can.
Good luck. 💐