DP ‘perfect’ but I can’t bear it!

[Suffocatedlove]

Will try and get all the info in as not to drip feed. NC but long term on mumsnet.

I am 36 & DP is 41. I have 17 yr old DD and he has 7 yr old DD. No children together. No plans to have any. We live together in my house. Been together 4.5 years, lived together for 3.

Start of the relationship went well, although love bombing in hindsight. Then just after he moved in I discovered he was an alcoholic. A very traumatic year passed as he lost his job and was drinking by daily. Long custody battles in court for his child, his family completely toxic encouraging drink and actually trying to ruin my life (maliciously calling my work, SS, etc I fell out of love with him in this time and asked him to move out. He begged for a 2nd chance and said he would get sober and do all the work on himself for a chance to be with me.

He did. He has been sober for 18 months, back in work (quite profitable business). He does everything ‘right’ puts money in the household; probably does more in the house and garden than I do, has built a relationship with his DD, gone NC with his whole family, buys me surprise presents, makes sure we spend time together, books trips away, walks my dogs if I am busy, literally on paper, everything absolutely right.

However. He is so full on. Bordering desperate. He constantly complains I don’t spend enough time with him, that he wants more of me, he wants to work on our relationship, he is constantly asking me to come back to bed after the school run etc (we don’t live near my selective DD’s sixth form so I have to drive her), how I am always busy with work. He says all the time how I am his priority, how he has put ‘everything’ in to me and us and it almost feels that I owe him for this. If I am not hanging off him he feels rejection. It’s suffocating!

But I feel awful. He has done and does everything ‘right’.

I read posts on here and see how shit men can be and look at my life and think I am being so ungrateful.

I just want him to chill. But I’ve spoken to him about it loads and he says that he wants our relationship to be intense and ‘obsessed’ and that ‘he won’t be told it’s not amazing to feel the way he does about me’.

What shall I do????

I’m glad you’re contacting Women’s Aid and hope you get helpful advice including what to do as next steps. I agree with previous posters, this is more than ick-worthy it’s really worrying, and I think the ending needs to be handled carefully. If threats of self-harm follow there is guidance about this exact issue on domestic abuse websites, and you can take it seriously by calling 999 - not by letting him manipulate you with it into doing what he wants. Good luck OP.

He sounds a utter nightmare. Like a sex crazed teenager. He needs help, professional help that you are neither qualified nor obligated to give him.
I feel for his DD too. Poor soul doesn't have one decent parent. Your DD will notice all this behaviour too, no mstter how much you think you hide it, she will notice and if shes any sense, use it in the future as a reminder to never follow in your footsteps. I would put money on him having a porn addiction too. X

This is just another form of addictive behaviour. He's replaced Alcohol with you ! . He obviously has an addictive personality so will always be full on with something .

He’s a manipulative and controlling sex pest and you need to get as far away from him as possible. He will not change! Get in touch with women’s aid you need help.

This.

I’ve just read all your comments op and glad you now realise you are a victim of some horrendous emotional abuse. He has you so tightly wrapped around his finger you can’t see straight. Women’s aid are a great shout, I actually feel uneasy reading all this as he closely resembles my ex, whom I am sure ( contrary to other diagnoses) actually has a personality disorder. You owe this man nothing, he’s made you believe that. In fact he owes you, for supporting him through some appalling behaviour. Honestly get help to get this creep out your life. Good luck.

Why on earth did you get involved with him?

I think the reason Iv stayed is because I can’t work out whether it is genuine love and I am just being cold or whether it is over the top

Ohhhhhh OP, you've got a right one there 💐💐💐

Genuine love does not look like this. Someone who loves you would not be pestering you, measuring your input to their obsessive needs, running a constant credit check on you like this. They would notice how YOU feel, and care about that, and want YOU to feel happy - not suffocated and in debt.

It's utterly exhausting to read about, I don't know how you have survived as long as this (although I do, because I've had partners in the past who were a little bit like this).

Please find a way to leave. Carefully. Soon.
Good luck 💗

OMG I think I would just run from the house screaming.

Stop putting up with this suffocating insufferable shit and get out!

@PhaedraWas your appalling post has been reported.

This is coercive emotional manipulation.

this is quite distressing to read. This man believes he has more rights to your time than you do! he is constantly expecting you to fulfill his wants at the expense of your own needs.

he’s gross, manipulative, controlling and he won’t let you go. when dump him you need to block him and completely cut him off otherwise he’ll stalk you and guilt trip you until you back down. He wants you, and what you want doesn’t matter (to him), so it’s going to be hard and you need to be 100% sure you want out when you break it off so you can’t be reeled back in.

Except OP added him to the tenancy agreement. It's not so simple as just "get him off the tenancy". It's his home too.

This phrase really stood out to me: "He only wants me." I have only ever heard this expression used in reference to small babies!! That says a lot, doesn't it? You are not his mother and although he sounds like a damaged person, that's not your responsibility to try and solve. I think this is all much more about control than you seem to realize. It's not that he's obsessed with you, it's that he's trying to control you. Constant sexting is about trying to control what you're thinking about and making sure it's only him. Staying up whilst you're working - trying to keep tabs on you and not let you have enough space that you might have contact with others and perhaps realize he's not so great. In fact, he can probably feel your mounting doubts and he's trying to stifle them by turning up the intensity.

OP, I don’t know how you live with his behaviour, it sounds utterly suffocating.

You need to speak to someone and make plans to separate. Please have any conversations with him with someone else close by. You say you aren’t scared of him but his behaviour is irrational and obsessive

As a PP have said, he has replaced his obsession with alcohol with an obsession with you

I just want him to chill. But I’ve spoken to him about it loads and he says that he wants our relationship to be intense and ‘obsessed’ and that ‘he won’t be told it’s not amazing to feel the way he does about me’.

he ignores you and sounds like he's replaced his alcohol addiction with another obsession.

Id get out of it as quickly as possible and don't look back.

ETA I didn't read the whole thread but it seems there's a few of us thinking the same!

He is not “reading the room”, he is micromanaging your behaviour to ensure your focus is constantly on him and on doing what he wants. It sounds like he has deep insecurity and need for attention, which I hasten to add is NOT your problem to alleviate.

I’m also glad you’re gonna ring woman’s aid. If he starts threatening suicide, remember that that is also a risk factor for violence against you. So please be careful.

Funny you should say that. My partner has a personality disorder and used to be behave in an almost identical way.
Run dont walk OP. It took years for my partner to accept there was something not right with his behaviour, and more years to access help and change. Alot of people like this don't change as they are to arrogant to even consider the possibility that they are the issue.

Good for you. It's yet another thread where children are the real victims.

What exactly has he done "for you" OP?
Not had a billion more horrible drunken experiences and died a grim early death from alcohol?
Not remained unemployed?
Not continued to be abused by his family?
Built a relationship with his own daughter (can't believe you listed that tbh, says a lot about how much he's mashed your head.)
Done the sort of household stuff a lodger might have done?

Where is the hardship in any of that OP? Why do you feel guilty that he's improved his life? That's nuts. You supported him with getting sober, with getting work, with a custody battle...you have nothing to feel bad about.

The rest of the stuff he does "for you" - the trips away, the gifts...you know that's not really for you don't you?

18 months sober isn't that long so brace yourself for a spectacular fall off the wagon and lots of emotional "don't want to live without you" and genetal unhinged shit.

Well done seeing the light and best of luck OP. If in doubt please err on the side of caution because I feel he may be unpredictable and when he realises he's losing you you may see a different side to him.

He sounds insane

Unfortunately he's transferred his alcohol addiction, to a " you" addiction. Which is not a good thing as you obviously feel like you are being suffocated. The problem is, is this going to turn into controlling, coercive behaviour. He needs professional help. If he refuses to get any help , i think your going to have to make some difficult decisions.

He didn't do it for you. Not one little bit of it.

He changed for himself, because he has a nice cushy life with you - a home, a stepmother for his child, companionship, sex.

He's going to fight tooth and nail to keep this lovely life. It has absolutely nothing to do with you or with love.

You need to start being more like him OP - think only about your own needs and your DD's. You're wasting precious headspace worrying about what he thinks and why he does the things he does, I guarantee you he is not spending a second doing the same for you.