DP ‘perfect’ but I can’t bear it!

[Suffocatedlove]

Will try and get all the info in as not to drip feed. NC but long term on mumsnet.

I am 36 & DP is 41. I have 17 yr old DD and he has 7 yr old DD. No children together. No plans to have any. We live together in my house. Been together 4.5 years, lived together for 3.

Start of the relationship went well, although love bombing in hindsight. Then just after he moved in I discovered he was an alcoholic. A very traumatic year passed as he lost his job and was drinking by daily. Long custody battles in court for his child, his family completely toxic encouraging drink and actually trying to ruin my life (maliciously calling my work, SS, etc I fell out of love with him in this time and asked him to move out. He begged for a 2nd chance and said he would get sober and do all the work on himself for a chance to be with me.

He did. He has been sober for 18 months, back in work (quite profitable business). He does everything ‘right’ puts money in the household; probably does more in the house and garden than I do, has built a relationship with his DD, gone NC with his whole family, buys me surprise presents, makes sure we spend time together, books trips away, walks my dogs if I am busy, literally on paper, everything absolutely right.

However. He is so full on. Bordering desperate. He constantly complains I don’t spend enough time with him, that he wants more of me, he wants to work on our relationship, he is constantly asking me to come back to bed after the school run etc (we don’t live near my selective DD’s sixth form so I have to drive her), how I am always busy with work. He says all the time how I am his priority, how he has put ‘everything’ in to me and us and it almost feels that I owe him for this. If I am not hanging off him he feels rejection. It’s suffocating!

But I feel awful. He has done and does everything ‘right’.

I read posts on here and see how shit men can be and look at my life and think I am being so ungrateful.

I just want him to chill. But I’ve spoken to him about it loads and he says that he wants our relationship to be intense and ‘obsessed’ and that ‘he won’t be told it’s not amazing to feel the way he does about me’.

What shall I do????

How much longer is on the lease @Suffocatedlove? Do you think there's any chance your landlord would let you break it? Because honestly, I'd move myself ASAP just to get away from him rather than deal with the shitstorm that will happen when you tell him the relationship is over. WA is a very good idea!

Do you have an 'interim' place to go in order to hasten your departure? Because frankly, he sounds a little frightening and I do not say that lightly. Someone that obsessed and possessive isn't going to make this easy for you. And in this case chances are he's going to be losing not just a partner, but someone who takes some of the parenting burden off him. It may be better just to get the fuck out, put your things in storage, and then worry about a new place to live.

Has he transferred his addiction to you?

he definitely doesn’t sound perfect

You don't love him.

He's replaced one addiction with another and dressed it up as love or quality time etc.

You don't need anyone's permission to call an end to it. You don't even need a "big" reason (even though this is a pretty big reason).

In 5 years when you're free, you'll wonder what took you so long.

I agree. And there's good links for advice and help on this thread OP. I hope they help you to navigate this situation safely.

Also
"Then just after he moved in I discovered he was an alcoholic. "

It struck me that he's already practiced at hiding it.

He sounds like he has done the hard work of getting sober but alcoholism is often a result of the person not being able to manage adult relationships and that may be the case here

he still has work to do

Agree with those saying that you are another addiction.

I would tread carefully in your exit - you are right to worry that his obsession could be dangerous once he is rejected. With men like this, it's not important to tell then 'home truths' or give them examples of what they did wrong, it's far more important to extract yourself safely and irreversibly. Don't worry about your ego - just stay safe.

I think the best route to take would be along the lines of how you are not good enough for him - how you can't match up to his overwhelming love and someone like him deserves an all encompassing love. He is amazing and deserving of someone who is as intense and 'all in' as him. Tell him that you tried to feel those things but it's not him, it's you. It's just not in your nature. Blah blah blah.

Honestly, it's not about being a dormat (because it's all bullshit), it's about letting him leave with his ego intact for safety reasons.

Just out of curiosity but how do you end a relationship when someone is like unbalanced like this, Text? letter? Phonecall? Or do you not just come home one day, block them on everything and let them work it out?

Think you’re wise to ask for support from a domestic abuse agency. Might help to ask if they could refer you to some therapy too.

Have read all your posts and what you describe certainly isn’t a healthy relationship: ‘obsession’ is unhealthy. It sounds like emotional abuse and coercive control, including sexual harassment.

No one should address a health issue (including substance dependency) or damaging relationship for someone else. It should always be done for oneself. He’s guilt-tripping you. You rightly made it clear the alcohol dependency and toxic family were a red line for you, due to the impact on you and your DD. If he chose to tackle it to respect your boundaries, that’s great. But you don’t ’owe’ him anything for doing so.

Now, he’s breaching your boundaries in other ways: not giving you space, pestering you sexually, emotional blackmail (if you have therapy they might tell you to leave him!) etc. It’s v disrespectful.

He clearly needs to do more work on himself. He needs his own life, which doesn’t revolve around you. He should be happy on his own, rather than dependent. If you think there’s still hope for your relationship if he addresses it, then tell him that’s what needs to happen. It’s not controlling or unreasonable to assert clear boundaries, if they keep being breached.

But it sounds like you’ve had enough. That’s fine too. You can care about, and even support (if you want), him without being in a relationship with him. You must do what you want and what’s best for you. But get advice and support before you tell him it’s over, as that can be a dangerous time with abusive men.

Good luck 💐

This. Remove yourself. Back to bed after the school run, wtf?? Needy is such a turn off.

Very very carefully plan your exit and just go with help of WA and Police when he is not there

Do not do what @Piknik suggested or go to couples counselling-this type of ridiculous advice is dangerous
These obsessive type of men are often violent and he has already warned her aka threatened he would not go quietly

This

His behaviour is coercive and controlling and love bombing is a big feature of domestic abuse in the initial stages of a relationship so take care.

@Suffocatedlove my previous partner/children's dad was a lot like him. I met him and i didnt know he was an alcoholic, it was all very love bomby, but the truth came out when he moved in and had kids. We split up after having children, he got sober, but has been so for years now. His whole treatment of me gave me the ick and although im hugely proud of his achievements, id never go back. I think your partner is simply focussing hard on being your ideal man, and id wonder if hes really done the work on himself or whether this is a means to an end to get you back before he lapses into previous behaviour. My ex was like this (before I knew what he really was). But I think the love has gone for you now, and you deserve happiness too. I wish id never had kids with him too as im stuck.

My ex met someone within weeks of splitting with me BTW, got sober when they were on a break, and they are seemingly happy together now. His new obsession is work. I can completely see how one obsession has transferred to another. Im so grateful we arent together.

Adding if you have a joint tenancy, it could be tricky to get him off it.

Best to get advice from a domestic abuse or housing rights agency. Depends where you live and type of landlord/tenancy you have. If your landlord is willing and can be trusted to sign you straight up for a lone tenancy (as you presumably had before he moved in), which a good landlord should agree to in case of domestic abuse, then you should be able to end the joint tenancy on behalf of both of you. And then immediately re-sign a new sole tenancy.

But, you’ll need advice on this, as it may affect your tenancy rights and (again) could be dangerous if he reacts badly. So timing is vital and you shouldn’t let him know you’re considering it.

If you live in England: https://england.shelter.org.uk/professional_resources/legal/housing_options/housing_options_for_people_experiencing_domestic_abuse/housing_rights_of_domestic_abuse_survivors

Let’s cut to the chase @Suffocatedlove He’s unhinged.

You need to end this before things get worse.

Your daughter should not be around this shit.

I have just this afternoon done a work training course on coercive control. OP, your relationship is textbook. The 'obsession', him demanding constant attention, not giving you time to yourself, isolating you from your friends through his previous behaviour, trying to control you through sex, gaslighting and making you question yourself, (you are writing down when you have sex as are doubting your own mind), you 'toeing the line', i.e. acting compliant and against your nature and desires to keep yourself safe, the 6 hour conversations to overwhelm you and deprive you of your time / space / sleep, you manufacturing work or other commitments to get away from him, your sense of morally owing him or being trapped, created by his emotional blackmail, him controlling how you sit on the sofa!!!! The damage he's done to your daughter. His dysfunctional and chaotic family and history of substance misuse, indicating a longstanding background of unaddressed mental health issues.

He is not in love with you - he is controlling you, to fill a need within himself which will be deep seated and he won't necessarily be conscious of. He will not change, he will not acknowledge any of this. He will grind you down, further isolate you, make you feel like you're going mad and constantly treading on eggshells, and will potentially escalate to more aggressive behaviour. Coercive control is a form of domestic abuse and there's a really clear pattern of behaviour. When you leave it is not unusual for perpetrators to make suicide threats to emotionally blackmail you into staying, 'can't live without you' etc - be practically and emotionally ready for this, with a plan. Look at your local council website - they will have a domestic abuse team who are familiar with coercive control and will be able to offer you support and signposting or just talk you through it to help you to fully appreciate your situation. There's lots on youtube about coercive control to get the idea. Sorry you're going through this - you deserve - and will find - better.

I have some thinking to do about how to get out of this. As people have said it won’t be easy, he will not go quietly. He has said before he will never ever leave me or leave quietly

This is the most worrying part of your thread to me.

Get out asap. And ring the police every time he harasses you because he will.

He replaced booze with you?

Good luck with it.

You don’t “owe” him a relationship because he’s got (technically) sober. It’s not working for you. That’s all that matters.

when you do end it - pick a line - as unemotional as possible. And stick to it “I am very glad that you have stopped drinking as you needed to do that for yourself. I was hopeful that the relationship might work for me after that happened. But it doesnt and I wish you well”

Dont get drawn into the whys and wherefors of his family any of that. He’s an adult and responsible for himself. You are an adult responsible for yourself and your daughter.

He may threaten self harm. To start drinking again. That’s on him.

Speak to Women’s aid as you say about leaving safely. He won’t make it easy. Stay strong.

Op stop worryingly about him, your different kids and life now. You already have all the problems sussed.

What you need is the vision to leave him and get on with life.

Focus on your hopes and dreams and for your kids . Theres so much you could achieve without this clingon.

Of all the controlling threads I’ve read over the past 10 years, this is one of the worst. Coercive control, gaslighting, emotional abuse… you name it, he’s doing it.

And this “he has said before he would never ever leave me or leave quietly” gave me absolute chills.

I know you say you’re not scared of him but please please do not underestimate what this man is capable of.

I rarely ask the OP to stay in touch but I think, like a lot of posters, I’m quite worried about how this will unfold.

Please do speak to womens aid as you intend and I hope they give you some good advice

Sounds a good idea OP. I hope you get a helpful response.

I feel suffocated just reading about it. I don’t know how you have put up with this but you need to make a plan to get rid. Brace yourself for a huge amount of emotional manipulation - you’ll need to stay strong. Confide in your friends, I’m sure they are hoping you bin him asap.

I have experience of these kinds of situations, and finding ways to leave whilst leaving egos intact can be a great pacifier for dangerously obsessive men. Taking the blame and planting the seed that they can find better is a known tactic that can sometimes (not always) prevent things escalating.

Thank you for everyone comments and concerns. I just want to say that currently I don’t feel at any risk from him, I understand that could change and I will give this some thought. He is just so intense.

always going on about ‘reading the room’ so I am constantly being questioned about why I am not on top form, if I am tired or even just a bit quiet because I have nothing to say, he has ‘read the room’ and worries he has does something wrong and goes on about it