DP ‘perfect’ but I can’t bear it!

[Suffocatedlove]

Will try and get all the info in as not to drip feed. NC but long term on mumsnet.

I am 36 & DP is 41. I have 17 yr old DD and he has 7 yr old DD. No children together. No plans to have any. We live together in my house. Been together 4.5 years, lived together for 3.

Start of the relationship went well, although love bombing in hindsight. Then just after he moved in I discovered he was an alcoholic. A very traumatic year passed as he lost his job and was drinking by daily. Long custody battles in court for his child, his family completely toxic encouraging drink and actually trying to ruin my life (maliciously calling my work, SS, etc I fell out of love with him in this time and asked him to move out. He begged for a 2nd chance and said he would get sober and do all the work on himself for a chance to be with me.

He did. He has been sober for 18 months, back in work (quite profitable business). He does everything ‘right’ puts money in the household; probably does more in the house and garden than I do, has built a relationship with his DD, gone NC with his whole family, buys me surprise presents, makes sure we spend time together, books trips away, walks my dogs if I am busy, literally on paper, everything absolutely right.

However. He is so full on. Bordering desperate. He constantly complains I don’t spend enough time with him, that he wants more of me, he wants to work on our relationship, he is constantly asking me to come back to bed after the school run etc (we don’t live near my selective DD’s sixth form so I have to drive her), how I am always busy with work. He says all the time how I am his priority, how he has put ‘everything’ in to me and us and it almost feels that I owe him for this. If I am not hanging off him he feels rejection. It’s suffocating!

But I feel awful. He has done and does everything ‘right’.

I read posts on here and see how shit men can be and look at my life and think I am being so ungrateful.

I just want him to chill. But I’ve spoken to him about it loads and he says that he wants our relationship to be intense and ‘obsessed’ and that ‘he won’t be told it’s not amazing to feel the way he does about me’.

What shall I do????

@Suffocatedlove I've read countless threads on here about abusive men, sex pests and men who will try anything to control and keep their partners but I've never read one that disturbs me more than yours. He has a terrible family so likely a really bad childhood, he took refuge in drinking and was so used to drunkenness you didn't even see it until it was too late, now he's sober but he is the biggest, biggest human pit of need and always will be.
He's trying to make your relationship make up for all that pain and insecurity as a child, even though it's in a sexual way he's still clinging to you like a child clings to it's Mother because he has no emotional resources to fall back on.
He's a danger to you Op, when you blow up his fantasy of his perfect, obsessive love he will turn on you. Please, speak to the police, woman's aid, anyone who can help you to leave safely

This. 💯

Ah, even more telling op
He didn't want your fears to be confirmed.

I am going to speak to women’s aid and I have recognised that this is more than annoying or tedious, he is not just bumbling through life and relationships and not getting it right. I have always had an inkling it was more than this but when you are in it it is harder to see.

Obviously like all abusive relationships there are times he is ok, more normal and I think ‘oh’ but it never lasts.

He sounds very needy, co-dependent and annoying. How is he "perfect"? I'd certainly not date him.

Does the Ops partner need help? I believe he does & counseling would be a pathway to seek more professional help. I don't believe it's dreadful advice given my instinct is if OP suddenly leaves it would be more dangerous than if it was baby steps which also included his obvious need for mental health support.

I would stress this is an opinion. It is definitely not advice. It's totally up to the OP what she decides to do. Posters here can only add what they would do under the circumstances.

OP I am a recovered alcoholic. In my youth I was very interested in sex too. My family called me The Slapper! I still have a shopping habit and most drunks relapse, no one is cured.

I absolutely take responsibility for my drinking. It started with a bereavement but you know one day you have to look in the mirror and own it. Your chap is blaming everyone else. It doesn't need a medal either!

This guy sounds smutty and that would give me the ick. I personally need my space. I don't like people pawing me.
Id leave this relationship, it doesn't sound healthy.

I was with a sex obsessed alcoholic unfortunately he didn’t like ‘no’ for an answer, was sexually coercive and raped me one night.

please get rid of him as soon as possible - you will meet someone better.

Ew, he sounds like a complete PITA. Ever heard of a dry drunk? My exH was the same. Kicked the drink but the weird, obsessive behaviours remained.

Constantly asking you to come back to bed after the school run? Jesus, that would get completely on my tits. Just what everyone wants - to be pestered to undress, get back into bed and perform once you're up and dressed and have started your day!

Anyway, you've completely fallen out of love with him. Get rid. Don't let him guilt you into staying in a relationship which clearly makes you drier than the Sahara Desert.

Hes swapped being addicted to alcohol to being addicted to you and your attention. Alot of addicts replace one addiction with something else.

@Suffocatedlove back in work (quite profitable business). He does everything ‘right’ puts money in the household; probably does more in the house and garden than I do, has built a relationship with his DD, gone NC with his whole family, buys me surprise presents, makes sure we spend time together, books trips away, walks my dogs if I am busy, literally on paper, everything absolutely right

Having a job, doing housework, spending time with children, going on holidays, and walking the dogs are all completely normal-ass things that the overwhelming majoirity of men do.

You say further up that you’ve saved all the money he’s given you for rent etc. Is there enough to be able to give it all back as a deposit on a flat for himself? At the same time, give him his suitcases packed with all his things. As you say, he’s odd, so a couple of large male relatives or friends to help him on his way would be advisable too. You have to ask yourself how much longer you want to carry on like this…5, 10, 20 years? Life is too short, live it for yourself, not him.

He's got addiction in his soul still. Addicted to alcohol, addicted to you.

He needs addiction therapy. He's using other things to numb out and avoid his true feelings. Sounds like has a past. He needs therapy.

I was all ready to give you a bit of a virtual kick up the bum to bin him off OP, but then I kept reading, and your posts got more disturbing, and this one gave me the shivers:

he will not go quietly. He has said before he will never ever leave me or leave quietly.

I think you need to contact someone - Women's Aid, the Police, some burly blokes in your family, a work Employee Assistance Plan thingummy - just get some advice on how to navigate your way out of this shit-show, because he's already told you he's not going without a fight, and frankly he sounds like a right basket-case.

Instead of feeling guilty that “he did al that just for you” consider the fact that he is in a better, healthier place when you end the relationship than he was at the start. Whether he reverts to alcoholism or his family is nothing to do with you and wont be your fault. He sounds utterly repulsive and its like you’re only now realising just how much as you’ve written it all down

she may still feel deep discomfort from seeing him in her home.

I had an alcoholic stepdad. If he “recovered” and we carried on living there I would still have hated him and would have resented my mum….

DBT (dialetical behavioural therapy) would be best for him. it deals with obsessive compulsions like this and self-harming behaviour.

OP you really need therapy separately too. You have a track record of going for emotionally unstable or avoidant men. I'd suggest being alone for a very long time. I'd also suggest that you never remarry and you never co-habit again. By all means have relationships with someone new but never give up your space again for someone, you owe that to your daughter, at the very least.

I think this is quite common behaviour for an addict. I would consider couple counselling

And if he won't go quietly and he's this obsessive and odd I'd find a way to withdraw with the least dent to his ego. He sounds very fragile... you need to find a covert and covered way out. I actually feel a bit scared for you.

He’s addicted to you now.

No. Do not do this. Get your own individual therapy, he can go to his own individual therapist if he chooses but never ever ever go to therapy with someone who is abusing you either emotionally or physically. All it does is make you more vulnerable to their manipulation/gaslighting/abuse.

I'm really proud of you, OP. You seem to have processed it a lot through interacting on this thread. I hope you continue to process and work things out for the best for yourself and your daughter.

Because he’s an alcoholic sex pest with zero interest in what you want?

Sadly this is the behaviour of a addictive personality. Hes swapped his alchol addiction to you And addicts will do anything to manipulate to get their "fix" which sounds like he is using gaslighting techniques to change the narrative of your conversations from we need space, to I'm glad you agreed you are neglecting me. Hes trying to manipulate you as you are his new supply.
I've seen several clients with similar situations.

Replacing Your Addiction With A New Addiction - Gateway Tips https://share.google/5ra3n27blBXJHUYRf

A little more information here.