DP ‘perfect’ but I can’t bear it!

[Suffocatedlove]

Will try and get all the info in as not to drip feed. NC but long term on mumsnet.

I am 36 & DP is 41. I have 17 yr old DD and he has 7 yr old DD. No children together. No plans to have any. We live together in my house. Been together 4.5 years, lived together for 3.

Start of the relationship went well, although love bombing in hindsight. Then just after he moved in I discovered he was an alcoholic. A very traumatic year passed as he lost his job and was drinking by daily. Long custody battles in court for his child, his family completely toxic encouraging drink and actually trying to ruin my life (maliciously calling my work, SS, etc I fell out of love with him in this time and asked him to move out. He begged for a 2nd chance and said he would get sober and do all the work on himself for a chance to be with me.

He did. He has been sober for 18 months, back in work (quite profitable business). He does everything ‘right’ puts money in the household; probably does more in the house and garden than I do, has built a relationship with his DD, gone NC with his whole family, buys me surprise presents, makes sure we spend time together, books trips away, walks my dogs if I am busy, literally on paper, everything absolutely right.

However. He is so full on. Bordering desperate. He constantly complains I don’t spend enough time with him, that he wants more of me, he wants to work on our relationship, he is constantly asking me to come back to bed after the school run etc (we don’t live near my selective DD’s sixth form so I have to drive her), how I am always busy with work. He says all the time how I am his priority, how he has put ‘everything’ in to me and us and it almost feels that I owe him for this. If I am not hanging off him he feels rejection. It’s suffocating!

But I feel awful. He has done and does everything ‘right’.

I read posts on here and see how shit men can be and look at my life and think I am being so ungrateful.

I just want him to chill. But I’ve spoken to him about it loads and he says that he wants our relationship to be intense and ‘obsessed’ and that ‘he won’t be told it’s not amazing to feel the way he does about me’.

What shall I do????

I agree with this. You gave him a chance and for too long. Now you have to consider yourself and your daughter.

I think you also need to look at yourself, you described this abusive creep as perfect. Very few women and none with any form of self esteem would live with this sort of loser. But you are, you think women want this, you think he’s perfect. That’s as messed up as his behaviour.

No . Op quoted in quotation marks. That was him. Please read the full thread.

Please stop. I mean that kindly. I agree he does need therapy. A shit ton of it. But NOT with the partner he is abusing.

She doesn’t need a record of his responses. She very likely needs her own therapy. NOT with him. I cannot stress that enough. Please can you refrain from giving this advice. It’s potentially really damaging. I’m sure you mean well, but the advice is absolutely not appropriate.

Again - dreadful advice. That's not how counselling works.

If you won't believe posters on on Mumsnet, here's what the National Domestic Violence Hotline say about couples counselling with an abusive partner:

https://www.thehotline.org/resources/should-i-go-to-couples-therapy-with-my-abusive-partner/

Agree. Op doesn't need therapy. I can't understand why you say this if you've actually read the full thread??

They say this, not you btw

I think you know you need to leave. And this is all insane behaviour. I don’t want to be dramatic, but I think you should plan your exit incredibly carefully. He sounds very dangerous - I dread to think how he will react to a break up. I don’t think for one minute he sounds like he would accept it. Make sure you lean on friends and family, and use resources out there like Women’s Aid, and the police if need be.

Agreed. My ex is almost certainly a diagnosable narcissist. He went to therapy for two years to “work on himself” after I refused to go to joint counseling because he was abusive (not physically) and manipulative.

All that achieved was to equip him with a bunch of therapy-speak that he tries to weaponise against me (poorly, as it is clear he does not understand the concepts behind the words and phrases he uses) and to cement his belief that he is a much better person than I am because he has had lots of therapy and was “prepared to work on the relationship” when I wasn’t.

The OP’s partner is clearly delusional, controlling and manipulative and therapy will do sweet FA to help him or her. Money wasted that she could spend on a lawyer.

Absolutely agree with this! You really have to be careful of going down the counselling route

The more I read the worse it gets, he's a derranged creep, get rid OP but be aware he'll threaten suicide as a way to control you, his type always do

You don't owe him anything - not somewhere to live, not attention, not the constant blow jobs, gropes of your chest and genitalia he's probably pestering you for along with the demand that you pleasure him with sexual conversation when you dare to be out from his supervision for half an hour at the supermarket.

He's holding you hostage. You're his prisoner - the only difference from a violently abusive relationship is that he deliberately chooses to make you feel like you're kicking a puppy to take away your authority over your own body and mind.

He'll flip in an instant if you dump him - threats of suicide (follows on from the 'oh, I'll just go and sleep in the woods'), threats of starting drinking again, to cut off his child (probably the best thing that could happen to them, tbh), to contact equally abusive family, messages at 3am to 'say goodbye', the works.

And then he'll accuse you of cheating on him. Because he actually hates you but is very aware that actually hitting you or raping you would make it clear, whereas whining and pleading and making threats against himself is far less effort or risk to him.

Dump him. Even if you need to find somewhere else to live (I'd suggest somewhere around 300 miles away as a starting point), it'll be worth it to have control over your own body and your own thoughts.

He sounds deranged and dangerous - I would be frightened of him and what he could be capable of when you end it. You need to speak to DV services or anyone that can support you in ending this relationship and tell as many family/friends etc what is going on.

Its brilliant you aren’t married, your savings are safe and you can end the relationship quite easily.
Please tell him to leave and consider calling the police if he gives you any cause for concern. If you genuinely can’t get him out due to the joint tenancy then find yourself somewhere else, serve notice and go. Please take care though, these types of obsessive men can be very dangerous.

Another here who thinks this man is awful and abusive. I started feeling physically sick reading about how he pesters you sexually all the time, wants endless reassurance of your feelings and his general emotional vampirism - it all sounds horrendous and terribly suffocating and the absolute opposite of anything that could elicit desire in me. You owe him nothing (as regards that: you might find "Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood a useful read).

I also think he could turn dangerous when you end things, which you really should do as soon as possible. Do you have a family member (ideally, I think, male and quite robust) who could come and stay with you for a while, as you extricate yourself? You shouldn't try to end it alone. He will likely behave extremely badly and may endanger you.

From what you have described, I think you have plenty of grounds for a non-molestation order. If he is difficult about going, I would strongly suggest applying for one of those as part of getting away from him. The NCDV can support you with this. https://www.ncdv.org.uk/ In fact, you might want to make a report to the police (someone trained in domestic violence) to let them know that you are ending a relationship with someone abusive and may need support. A dear friend of mine did that when she was about to end her marriage to her very controlling husband. She didn't need to involve the police in the end, but she was glad to have got stuff down on record first in case she did.

Exactly this!

I also think this is abuse and deliberately so. He knows what he’s doing, unless the op thinks he has learning difficulties or some form of mental health issue and can’t understand his own behaviour. He’s harassing and abusing her. Trying to control and coerce her.

but she thinks he’s the perfect man and women want this. And that’s really messed up.

It's interesting that you said you fell out of love with him but, at no time in the subsequent list of events have you said you fell back in love with him.

Thanks to everyone that has messaged, I have read them all.

To be clear, he doesn’t go on about this sexual stuff etc when my DD is around; if he does it’s via text so she wouldn’t know.

All day today I have ignored is sexual messages and feel power in that.

He is such a victim in everything, which is also not something he showed in the beginning, he is very ‘woe is me’ it’s part of his personality which makes a lot of sense with what he says now.

I’ll be honest, I didn’t think this thread would get the reaction it has. I genuinely thought it might be 50/50 between ‘ick’ and ‘he is a good guy trying’ this is where my head was when I started it. The responding response has opened my eyes a lot, even in my interactions with him today I can see things clearer.

That would make me want to kick him in the face… tell him to Fuck off…. You’ve done a night shift and you are tired. Stop being such a needy wanker and let me get some sleep.

Oh and I absolutely would not go to therapy with him, I can imagine the sob story he would tell which (and I have found out) is quite convincing.

I did mention this when he first got sober but he decline immediately because he didn’t want ‘someone else telling him how to live his life’ he also dissuaded me from accessing counselling at the time too as he said and I quote ‘what do they can convince you to leave me?’

He is forcing you to have sex, gaslighting you, trapping you in your home. What else? This is no way to live.

He is actually a criminal plus he is also is Very Very dangerous. Contact Womens Aid and the Police. Get as much help as you can to get him out of your home and life. You and your DD need to live apart from him safely.

He'd replaced an alcohol addiction with a @Suffocatedlove addiction. The man is an addict. You have the ick. This won't end well, but you should end it for your own sanity.

Christ on a bike

Run run run away

@Suffocatedlove Firstly you are living with an untreated alcoholic. He needs AA and the 12-step program. Though he probably won't go, you can get support from Al-Anon.

Al-Anon is a support network for those who have someone around there lives drinking or not where it has or is a problem.

You also need to contact Women's Aid for your area as his behaviour is coercive/emotionally abusive/gaslighting. The links are below.

You don't have to believe me. Read for yourself especially where women's aid is concerned

They can support you and help you get him out of the house. Even though his name is on the tenancy he can still be removed because of the nature of your relationship.

I've been through all this and am in the service support arena for this so please believe and get help and talk to them both

al-anonuk.org.uk/

womensaid.org.uk/