DP ‘perfect’ but I can’t bear it!

[Suffocatedlove]

Will try and get all the info in as not to drip feed. NC but long term on mumsnet.

I am 36 & DP is 41. I have 17 yr old DD and he has 7 yr old DD. No children together. No plans to have any. We live together in my house. Been together 4.5 years, lived together for 3.

Start of the relationship went well, although love bombing in hindsight. Then just after he moved in I discovered he was an alcoholic. A very traumatic year passed as he lost his job and was drinking by daily. Long custody battles in court for his child, his family completely toxic encouraging drink and actually trying to ruin my life (maliciously calling my work, SS, etc I fell out of love with him in this time and asked him to move out. He begged for a 2nd chance and said he would get sober and do all the work on himself for a chance to be with me.

He did. He has been sober for 18 months, back in work (quite profitable business). He does everything ‘right’ puts money in the household; probably does more in the house and garden than I do, has built a relationship with his DD, gone NC with his whole family, buys me surprise presents, makes sure we spend time together, books trips away, walks my dogs if I am busy, literally on paper, everything absolutely right.

However. He is so full on. Bordering desperate. He constantly complains I don’t spend enough time with him, that he wants more of me, he wants to work on our relationship, he is constantly asking me to come back to bed after the school run etc (we don’t live near my selective DD’s sixth form so I have to drive her), how I am always busy with work. He says all the time how I am his priority, how he has put ‘everything’ in to me and us and it almost feels that I owe him for this. If I am not hanging off him he feels rejection. It’s suffocating!

But I feel awful. He has done and does everything ‘right’.

I read posts on here and see how shit men can be and look at my life and think I am being so ungrateful.

I just want him to chill. But I’ve spoken to him about it loads and he says that he wants our relationship to be intense and ‘obsessed’ and that ‘he won’t be told it’s not amazing to feel the way he does about me’.

What shall I do????

Also to add, you don't need to feel guilty that he got sober for you. He should have done that for himself and his daughter. You don't owe him anything for that.

I've read your responses very quickly while on a coffee break so apologies if I've missed anything.

The whole thread has perturbed me greatly. I honestly don't know how you cope with this OP. If you do want to end the relationship I think you need to ask yourself if his obsession with you could turn to aggression or worse. Although I am not qualified to suggest what you should do, you could consider couples counselling to ease you both into a suitable decision. It may result in him changing his behaviour towards you which could reignite the spark or at worst an amicable separation he would be willing to accept.

I hope whatever happens you find a way to manage this sorry situation. Stay strong 💐

He doesn't get to decide how you feel about him and you absolutely can hold him responsible for his own choices.

Get legal advice about ending his tenancy and get him out of your lives.

WHO CARES. The woman is in a worryingly controlling relationship and you are having a go at her because she used a word that was accurate but you feel was unnecessary? Get some fucking perspective.

I really wouldn't suggest couples counselling. I think it's beyond that. And anyway he's, from what op has said, quite controlling and manipulative to say the least.

He sounds like someone I went out with. He also had a problem with alcohol but I suspect that was a symptom of some kind of personality disorder. His way of thinking was sometimes quite alarming. Regardless of what is really going on with your partner, he sounds exhausting and you would be better off and happier without him. Be prepared to be VERY firm and have back up when you want him to leave.

He is not perfect. He is a suffocating creep. I couldn't live like this and nor should you.

Get rid but as PP said be careful.

The reason I suggested it is to help him accept the whole situation rather become aggressive. He is obviously mentally ill & shouldn't be messed with. It's a way of easing him into separation rather than OP suddenly walking out. I feel this could be bordering on dangerous. Regardless the man needs help. He may accept seeing a relationship counsellor if the OP can persuade him it would help them both.

if I booked the day off work to just lay around watching tv, doing face masks etc, he would also book the day off to ‘be around me’ or would rush home from work to finish early because ‘you are at home waiting for me’ I’m not

Christ, I couldn't stand being with a man like that, makes me fell ill

Women should never go for couples counselling with an abuser. And this man is seriously abusive.
She needs to seek her own support from family, friends and professionals who can help her get herself and her daughter away from this dangerous man.

He absolutely does. And will say it plainly. We will be laying on the sofa together (because me wanting to sit up on the sofa means I don’t love him and don’t want to be close to him) and he will say ‘I love you’ I will say it back and he will say ‘I am obsessed with you’ and I don’t say anything and he insist that ‘all he wants is my obsession for him to come back and he is a good boy so I should be obsessed with him’

FFS. Why are you wasting your time on this man?! Just one or two of all the things you've said about him would be enough to send any sane woman running. Is it guilt? Do you feel you owe him a relationship? Hint: nobody owes anyone a romantic relationship.

No, perfect was put in quotation marks and if you had read the thread the op said it was him saying that.

@Suffocatedlove your posts initially gave me a strong ick, but my ick has turned to genuine concern for you and your DD.

He is emotionally controlling. Not even being subtle about it. On and on about what’s he’s given for you, trying to force you to do things or say things against your will by guilt tripping you. That is not normal behaviour.

The constant sex talk / pressure for you to engage is revolting.

He is sexually coercing you by bombarding you with sexts and pressuring you to go to bed with him. You’ve been clear you don’t want this so he sulks to try and get you to change your mind. That is sexually coercive behaviour.

He controls how you sit on the sofa. Again more guilt tripping if you’re not “close” enough for his liking.

He controls what you say. He doesn’t like your choice of words as they don’t fit with his idyllic version of your closeness/togetherness. He is delusional. Delusional people can be very dangerous. They can become quite unhinged when their delusions are eventually shattered.

He refers to himself as your husband and gets annoyed when you refer to him truthfully. This is delusional and controlling.

He twists your words/fabricates what you said in discussions. He isn’t listening. He hears what he wants to hear. See above: delusional.

OP, I am quite worried for you. This is not a perfect man by any means. His behaviour is really disturbing. Is it possible he could have a form of narcissistic personality disorder? There are some very loud alarm bells ringing. Please will you seek some support from a domestic abuse charity or organisation. I don’t think you realise how bad things actually are. You know you need to end this. You don’t need to feel any guilt about that. He is not a good man. Please don’t be fooled by the acts of service. This is not done out of love. This is done out of control. You are so deep in you can’t even see it. Please get help. Please be careful because men like this are at their most dangerous when the partner is trying to leave the relationship.

Good god no! Do not enter into couples counselling with this man.

In the bigger picture at least there would be a recorded record of his responses. His responses could obviously be manipulated to make him out to be the perfect partner & the victim. I would hope a professional would manage to tease out the real person behind the mask and put it on record while advising the OP on the steps she should take to make a separation easier on them both.

No amount of friends and family support could protect the OP if this man isn't dealt with in a way which recognises he needs professional help to accept his frightening obsession with her is not normal behaviour.

To further explain my thoughts the counselling would have nothing to do with staying together. It would be to assist the separation & prevent this man from turning the obsession into physical. aggression which imo would be more likely if she just walked out.

Absolutely agree. He is already very, very emotionally aggressive and with his past I would be very aware that he might get physically aggressive too. In fact, with his behaviours towards op with sexual coercion, regarding constant sexual texts and the constantly having to be with her every minute, I would Absolutely be very, very concerned.

Intentionally or not, I think he's setting you up.

He's doing everything "right" so if you don't behave exactly the way he wants you too, he will relapse and go back on the drink again

... and he will blame you.

As soon as I read "Start of the relationship went well, although love bombing in hindsight. Then just after he moved in I discovered he was an alcoholic. "
I thought this is not going to end well. He hid it from you until he could move in.

The situation sounds very intense... it doesn't sound sustainable.. something will come undone.

Its' your house.
You are not married
This is stressing you out.

You are only 36... is this how you want to spend the next decade or two. Doing everything you can (as he wishes) so that he doesn't relapse?

That’s the creepiest thing I’ve ever read. It so fucked up op. This is abuse dressed up as neediness. You need to end this. I really don’t know how you’re living like this.

you gave him second chance and he wants to squeeze out of this second chance, which happens to be you, your body, sex, time and access to housing. You choose ....

You gave him a chance. He used that chance to become a disgusting creepy controlling weirdo. So what if he's a sober creep? He's still a creep. It's actually painful to read how you're diminishing yourself to become his reward for becoming sober. He's not sober anyway - he's a dry drunk, using sex and coerced affection to replace the high that drinking used to give him. So what if he falls off the wagon when you ask him to leave. That's 100% his choice. If he only stopped drinking for you then he never meant it anyway.

@Twoporridges I‘m not sure that tearing the OP down is very helpful here. She is in an abusive relationship. She is a victim of this awful man and she has been coerced to the extent that she can’t actually see it. Yes, you’re right, she sounds initially as though she thinks he’s kind and well meaning but a bit annoying. But I think sometimes when posters start a thread like this, they can start to realise that things are actually very very wrong. It is much easier for us, on the outside, with no investment in the relationship, to see things plainly. It is fucking hard to admit you’ve been blinded and abused and allowed this person into your and your child’s life. We need to support this woman to make the right decisions, not tear strips off her. Because that is not helpful.

A report from a private counsellor is worth less than nothing in any kind of legal proceedings and most counsellors aren't skilled enough to even recognise coercive control let alone skillfully call it out. This is terrible advice all round.