Fallen out with mum

[Bubseybooba]

I am getting married in the summer. My mum met a man 3 months ago and is now in a relationship with him. She asked me after 1 week if he can come to the wedding and I said no. We had a big argument and later agreed to leave the conversation until nearer the time.

between then and now we’ve had 3 further arguments about him coming and agreed on him coming to the evening as a compromise. My venue has now informed me evening guests aren’t allowed as it’s a twilight wedding. ( never planned to have evenings guests, he would be the only one)

I told my mum and she said she is very disappointed and it will be a hard day for her. I said I want her to be happy and present on the wedding day and she said she can’t guarantee that and she’s allowed to feel how she feels.

i told her she should be as happy and the day should be as special with or without him. I don’t understand how someone she has known 3 months holds so much importance on her daughter’s wedding day.

I said to her maybe it’s best we leave him coming because it’s causing added stress and strain on our relationship when I want to be happy and excited in the lead up to the wedding. She started shouting at me, told me to fu*k off twice and hung up the phone on me. In my 30 years she has never spoken to me like this.

I am so upset as the day shouldn’t be about him. I just want my mum to be happy and present regardless of who else is/isn’t there. She is meant to be walking me down the aisle, getting me in my dress ect but I feel like this will change between us after this.

please share your opinions. Thanks

I'm with you on this OP. He shouldn't be there as he's only been with your mum very short time, even by the time of the wedding and he's not met you. If she's anxious about coming alone, she can bring a long term friend who you actually know. I'd stick to your guns.

Isn’t it interesting, I was reading and thinking how many entitled and main character ‘brides’ we have 🤣. I just don’t buy into the ‘it’s all about you on your special day’ hype and think if we could soften the edges of that, half these issues would disappear

I think you’re both being unreasonable.
You, for making statements like “I don’t want the day to be about him.” Why would it be? He’s just a guest. I know you’ve never met him but so what? Meet him. You say before all this you had a good relationship with your mum, so just jet her partner come.
But on the flip side I think she’s being unreasonable for her reaction to this and the way she has spoken to you.

I'm surprised you didn't just give your mum a plus one in the first place.

Its such a minor thing?
Why didn't you just allow it?
From the first time she asked you?
It's like you want all her attention.

What? Why isn't he invited? Surely your mum of all people should be allowed to bring a plus one? You are being very unreasonable.

The day is not about your mum and she should not have spoken to you that way. However I don’t think you are putting yourself in her position. Ex husband moved on and has been in a long marriage since. It sounds like she is panicking. Is there a back story about your mum and dad’s relationship? It sounds like maybe she wants what your dad has. I would have given her a plus one regardless even to bring her best friend. I dread the day I have to be in the same room as my exs wife she has been a lot over the years.

The problem now is if you do reluctantly invite him , the atmosphere will be awkward. She's got her way after insulting you and you will meet him for the first time with him knowing you didn't want him there. I couldn't get over being told to F off by my mother. It will be awkward whether he comes or not.

I would not allow it. I didnt let my adult child's partner come to ours as they had only been together 6 months, yes my DC was disappointed and although they stayed together a couple of years, the partner was controlling and everything became about them, every single family event was ruined in one way or another because they created some kind of drama so I am glad they didnt attend my wedding and they're not in any of the photos.

Weddings always seem to bring out these kind of issues. I do get it OP, our wedding was really small and I wanted only people who were close to one or both of us. Didn’t work out that way, one friend asked if he could bring his new girlfriend (who we had never met and have never seen since except at their wedding!), one friend of mine wanted to bring a friend as she wouldn’t know anyone else, I very quickly realised it couldn’t be the way I wanted it so we just said yes to all that. It’s just a day at the end of the day and I found it all quite stressful anyway, certainly was not the happiest day of my life! I don’t agree with the way she is behaving at all and I may well feel the same as you but I would probably just let him come especially as she might be off with you on the day otherwise. People do expect to bring partners to weddings, rightly or wrongly.

“should be happy” “shouldn’t be dependent” - but she clearly isn’t, maybe she’s anxious, worried and feeling insecure.

Hurt people hurt people, her lashing out and swearing at you probably is because she’s hurt that you don't understand how she’s feeling. It’s probably nothing to do with this particular man, more about how she feels she is seen on the day.

Could you add one person on to the booking and they wouldn’t bring out his meal but he would be catered for in the evening? Or if it is a buffet would they notice one more person arriving later on?
im with you. I would be very uncomfortable to have a stranger be so prominent especially when you have only invited partners you know. I’m sorry this is happening. Does your mum usually act like this early on in relationships? Is she possibly getting pressure from him?

It’s not fair your dad gets a plus one and not your mum,

I totally get this. We had this at our wedding but not as important as a parent. We said the new person can come but not be in any family pictures. As it turns out they are married now and still together today.

OP has said several times that she has already offered this compromise, but the venue cannot accommodate it.

It's not the OP who is 'wrecking' her relationship with her mum!

You sound incredibly stuck in your viewpoint, no give whatsoever. Also, like your mum ‘should’ be happy and that’s the end of it- no allowance for the fact that she is a person with feelings too. All sounds like a lot of hard work and drama needlessly.

If you’ve always had a good relationship with your mum, and the swearing is out of character for her, I’d wonder if she was well.

Weddings are not as special as you seem to think they are, it’s not an honour for everyone to be there- they’re pretty boring usually, and most people would want a partner there given the choice, I should imagine.

It’s probably nothing to do with this particular man, more about how she feels she is seen on the day.

and this is what op has clocked. That her mum is comfortable enough to harm her daughter to get her way. Op’s mum has decided that the thought of strangers seeing her unmarried at a function is so terrible that that gives her the right to abuse her daughter into compliance.

Maybe think why this is so important to her. She will feel a bit of a wallflower with your dad their with his wife and her all alone. You think she should be more considerate but if you are hosting something you should also consider your guests feelings.

At the end of the day you are being stubborn, she's your mum, you love her, don't let this spoil your day or your relationship. You are able to say no and win but I fear it will be a hollow victory.

I don’t think you should invite him and I’m going to reframe it from his position to explain why.

His new partner who is clearly smitten with him has fallen out with her daughter in the lead up to her wedding. A decent, genuine man would either tell the mum that it doesn’t matter and to leave it, or he would insist on taking the daughter and her fiancé out to dinner to meet them properly and smooth things over.

The fact your mum swore her head off at you suggests she is stressed and feeling under pressure to get him to the wedding. Is this coming from him? If so, it’s a massive red flag, not to mention you and her grandchildren have barely seen her since they got together.

I’d stick to your guns OP, because inviting him to the wedding is just the start. What happens if your mum insists he is in the family photos? It’s another row waiting to happen.

Tell her you are worried about her and that you love her and she’s of course still welcome at the wedding. Then make sure you can find out as much about him as you can, just in case.

I could see your point until you said your father will be there with his wife. If he has a plus one she should have a plus one. You’re not being fair to her.

Weddings are not as special as you seem to think they are, it’s not an honour for everyone to be there- they’re pretty boring usually,

wow. Op weddings are wonderful. I love weddings. I cry at every wedding.

You really are burnt out aren’t you…,
the dm has been married twice since divorcing ops dad!

Unfortunately you are both now in entrenched positions which isn't helping. The compromise unfortunately turned out to be an empty gesture, since it wasn't possible. It is your day, but weddings are also wider family events. Despite her rudeness (which is not acceptable), I think you should be the adult in the room this time - both for her and you. Meet her partner and see what you think. I wonder if it is possible that he is putting pressure on her?

I agree with this.