Fallen out with mum

[Bubseybooba]

I am getting married in the summer. My mum met a man 3 months ago and is now in a relationship with him. She asked me after 1 week if he can come to the wedding and I said no. We had a big argument and later agreed to leave the conversation until nearer the time.

between then and now we’ve had 3 further arguments about him coming and agreed on him coming to the evening as a compromise. My venue has now informed me evening guests aren’t allowed as it’s a twilight wedding. ( never planned to have evenings guests, he would be the only one)

I told my mum and she said she is very disappointed and it will be a hard day for her. I said I want her to be happy and present on the wedding day and she said she can’t guarantee that and she’s allowed to feel how she feels.

i told her she should be as happy and the day should be as special with or without him. I don’t understand how someone she has known 3 months holds so much importance on her daughter’s wedding day.

I said to her maybe it’s best we leave him coming because it’s causing added stress and strain on our relationship when I want to be happy and excited in the lead up to the wedding. She started shouting at me, told me to fu*k off twice and hung up the phone on me. In my 30 years she has never spoken to me like this.

I am so upset as the day shouldn’t be about him. I just want my mum to be happy and present regardless of who else is/isn’t there. She is meant to be walking me down the aisle, getting me in my dress ect but I feel like this will change between us after this.

please share your opinions. Thanks

She’s an adult. So are you. She no longer owes you any your family prioritisation

Great. You understand how people shouldn’t be bullied into complying. Now extend that autonomy to the op.

Just let her bring him. She’ll enjoy her day a lot more if he is there and - providing he doesn’t get drunk and punch the DJ - it won’t make a jot of difference to your day.

also if they are still together by the summer they’ll have been together for 9 months, which is not inconsiderable.

I remember when I was getting all worked up about my wedding guest list a good friend said to me - ‘your wedding isn’t really about you’. Which I completely get. If it was, I’d have just gone to a registry office with dh. But a bigger wedding is about celebrating friends and - importantly - family. If you’ve had a good relationship with your mum and she’s done her best (and made mistakes I’m sure, as you will do if you become a mum) then it seems very unkind not to let her bring her boyfriend.

I repeat my point. If he’s there or not will make no difference to your day. But it could make all the difference to hers.

If this really feels out of character for your mum, making it all about your wedding day and feeling relaxed in the run up and on the day is both foolish and selfish--there is obviously something going on for your Mum, and in your shoes I would be worried.

If it is in character for your Mum, then you're not being honest with yourself about the relationship you've had with her until now, and she's only been lovely and supportive because you've done what she wants.

Only you can know which it is, and act accordingly. I would note, though, that this thread is really not representing you well--you come across as rigid and quite self absorbed, even where your Mum's behaviour has been poor. Maybe take a step back and reflect on what you might have contributed to the situation too.

OP, you are absolutely right and I would do the same in your shoes.

You don't want a random man you have never met at your wedding. Totally understandable. Your mum might break up with him or he may turn out to be a twat and you will still have him in your wedding pictures! You don't even know how he will behave at the wedding.

You have also tried to compromise and the venue said no. That's fine too (and kind on your part). Not sure why people are suggesting you force the venue to do something they have already said no to (and their insurance might not cover it).

Also, your mum's behaviour is astonishing given you usually have a good relationship. Her abusive language and insistence on something so unreasonable suggests she is in a controlling relationship, might be in the early stages of a mental health condition (or decline such as alzheimers) or is completely naive/ inexperienced about relationships that she is willing to put a man she hardly knows before her daughter.

It is down to your mum to repair this. I hope she sees sense.

You sound like an absolute spolit brat. Makes me wonder just why your mother has never remarried or had a new partner. Just to busy with her "amazing relationship" with you i guess. You're making a choice here that will impact the rest of your relationship. Consider all the choices she made for you.

That gives the impression that if you meet, he’ll get an invite. What if you meet him, don’t like him and double down on the no invite?

Let him come for gods sake!!! I would do anything to make my mum feel happy, you sound awful. You are more worried about your Mum getting a bit of a fuss about her new relationship and taking the shine off you than your own Mums happiness. You should be ashamed of yourself.

OP, there’s not much point in asking advice if you’re going to dismiss it.

I know what you mean. She’s making it about her isn’t she? That would get my back up too. How frustrating for you. It’s bloody awful having an emotionally immature Mother. They spoil so much. Is she worried what people will think if she’s on her own do you think? I’d probably let him come but not have him in the photos. The alternative is too painful for you. You must be so angry with her. Let him come and accept that she has bad behaviour and will never change then move on to plan the rest of your day. Enjoy it! Xx

You're making a choice here that will impact the rest of your relationship.

you're taking about the op’s mum yeah? You’re taking about her behaviour towards op and the fact that she is choosing to harm her daughter to get her way?

Yes, your mums behaviour is not great, but I would definitely let her boyfriend come to the wedding.

I got married in 2017 and almost half of the people I invited I don’t see anymore! Your mum will (hopefully) never be that person and maybe, just maybe, the boyfriend might stick around forever. If he does then you’ve done the right thing, if not, also fine as she will be happy in the day.

Just make sure you get some photos with and without him. Maybe say to your mum ‘he can come but we must get some photos just you and me, and some with and without him’. Falling out with your mum will bring you zero happiness in the end.

The alternative is too painful for you. You must be so angry with her. Let him come and accept that she has bad behaviour and will never change then move on to plan the rest of your day. Enjoy it! Xx

Right so basically do the intellectual gymnastics required to acknowledge that a, your mum doesn’t care about your feelings and b, you should tolerate it or you’re a terrible person.

Falling out with your mum will bring you zero happiness in the end.

this isn’t a falling out. Op isn’t doing whatever her mum wants. That’s not a disagreement, that’s someone powering over you.

(the wanton enabling on here is a rough wake up this morning)

We allowed most of my guests a plus one except for the 2 big groups of friends that were coming as exactly that - big friend groups where no one had a plus one.

I had several friends bring a plus one i had never met before, and it was my pleasure for my guests to have someone come with them. So in that way, i think you are being a bit harsh.

On the other hand, my mum was also a total knob about my wedding (as she wanted it to be all about her) and as a result, I didn’t have her around on the morning to help me get ready. So there’s an option for you. As yes, her behaviour towards you has been poor.

So you didn't offer a plus one to any of your guests? No one could bring a partner?
If you didn't allow plus ones, surely you would make an exception for your mum?
You're acting spoilt. It wouldn't make much of a difference to you, but it would make a huge difference to her. You've likely really hurt her.

I think op has said she only offered plus ones where they know the plus one personally.

Why are the venue saying no evening guests? Is it a cost thing? I would discuss with the venue again, explain the situation, pay for him to be there the whole time, but not gave him there for the ceremony and meal.

Does he know any of the other wedding guests that he could hang back with until your mum is free later in the evening?

Is this behaviour completely out of character for your mum, or have you seen her behave this way with other people @Bubseybooba ?
Weddings do send people a bit mad, guests and the couple. Remember it is only 1 day.

OP's mum sounds like a narcissist and a nut. No way would the new bf be invited to my wedding given the antics. Is he expected to be in the pics and sit at the head table, too? Lovely. 😵‍💫
OP should walk down the aisle to meet her dad to walk her the last bit to the alter.

This is one of the most important days in your life. You mum is one of the most important people. seems like an easy win to let him come. It’s not about her ‘getting her own way’. .its about her enjoying the event with people she values, even if you don’t like him. Trivial. Move on, enjoy the event.

Why don't you park the discussion of the wedding for now.

Tell your mum that the whole thing would be easier all round if you'd actually met him and focus on making that happen.

Say you can both revisit the discussion in a month or two when you can see where you are all at.

From your point of view you think you've compromised by asking the venue but from your mum's it's highly unusual not to have evening guests and feels like you gave it lip service and nothing more.

Out of interest, how did you feel about the man you are away to marry after three months? Maybe try and put yourself back in that mindset. I'd also wonder if it really was only a week when she told you.

You’ve got into a pissing competition with your mum and it has absolutely nothing to do to do with who she wants to bring to the wedding at this point, it’s about how you think she should feel and behave.

You're just digging your heels in now and I guess you need to decide whether this is worth losing your relationship over because it sounds like you’re both as stubborn as each other.

I feel like this post has really brought out all of the toxic mothers into the comments!!

OP, at what point does your mum think she will be spending time with him during the day? In the morning, she’ll be with you getting ready + travelling to venue, then walking you down the aisle and sitting at the front, then at the top table with you + family and the reception - realistically they wouldn’t be seeing each other until the dancing anyway! He’d be getting ready at home, at the back of the church, not sat on the top table etc.

I think it’s really odd that she is being so stubborn about it, mentioning after one week and then shouting + swearing at you when she didn’t get her own way a few weeks later. You tried to compromise and it’s not possible at the venue, she needs to accept this!

He also doesn’t sound bothered about meeting you if he’s cancelled three times 🤷🏻‍♀️

Her mum remarried twice??

She’s remarried twice, op has said that in some later posts

You’re as stubborn as each other - very rigid… She shouldn’t have spoken to you like that