Fallen out with mum

[Bubseybooba]

I am getting married in the summer. My mum met a man 3 months ago and is now in a relationship with him. She asked me after 1 week if he can come to the wedding and I said no. We had a big argument and later agreed to leave the conversation until nearer the time.

between then and now we’ve had 3 further arguments about him coming and agreed on him coming to the evening as a compromise. My venue has now informed me evening guests aren’t allowed as it’s a twilight wedding. ( never planned to have evenings guests, he would be the only one)

I told my mum and she said she is very disappointed and it will be a hard day for her. I said I want her to be happy and present on the wedding day and she said she can’t guarantee that and she’s allowed to feel how she feels.

i told her she should be as happy and the day should be as special with or without him. I don’t understand how someone she has known 3 months holds so much importance on her daughter’s wedding day.

I said to her maybe it’s best we leave him coming because it’s causing added stress and strain on our relationship when I want to be happy and excited in the lead up to the wedding. She started shouting at me, told me to fu*k off twice and hung up the phone on me. In my 30 years she has never spoken to me like this.

I am so upset as the day shouldn’t be about him. I just want my mum to be happy and present regardless of who else is/isn’t there. She is meant to be walking me down the aisle, getting me in my dress ect but I feel like this will change between us after this.

please share your opinions. Thanks

OP you've posted this in Relationships but for some reason the answers you're getting seem to be coming from AIBU. There's every trope from the toxic parenting manual being thrown at you on this thread. I'm glad you can see clearly exactly how out of order your mum is being. You don't have to answer this here, but is it usual for
her to show narcissistic traits? Pressurising your DD to let your shag of 7 days come to her wedding is an absolute fkn joke. People on this thread calling him her 'partner' - well please @Bubseybooba , just ignore them. I would sit her down, tell her the discussion and the tantrum stops now and tell her to make her choice and STFU. If she decides not to come, just crack on and don't indulge her any more.

I would include him as an extra on the main guest list but only as your Mum's plus one. Give her the invitation for her plus one (not named) as a guest who is invited to an evening reception. In other words after the ceremony, the photos, the meal etc
She can then carry out your plans as a fully present MOB. She then has a plus one for the main party.
I know it means paying an extra meal but you can say to the venue that this person will be arriving late. No need to set a place for him/ or whomever her plus one will be come summer.

Goid luck.

You think her mum's new boyfriend should be treated exactly the same as dad's wife of 26 years? She had been seeing him for 7 days when she started the first argument about him coming to the wedding. It's absolutely ridiculous.

OP, rather than falling out with your DM why aren’t you getting to know her new BF? Forthcoming wedding aside, wouldn’t you want your DM to be in a safe and happy relationship with someone who’s kind to her, treats her well and respects her?

Just let him come. Maybe your mum is being selfish, maybe she is feeling insecure but you have a chance to do something kind for her and I'm sure she's put you first and done many things for you over the course of your life. Your wedding is about you and your partner getting married. Nothing else should matter so let him come. I had to make compromises on my wedding day even though we paid for it ourselves but at the end of the day we wanted our guests to be happy as well. Listen to all these voices of experience and be kind.

It seems as though she snapped at you after the 5th argument, not the 1st....which changes the dynamic. She has been voicing her frustrations but it seems you kept ignoring her? People snap when they are frustrated and feel helpless.

There was no compromise either. You said you enquired as to whether you could being an evening guest, was told no...and didn't fight that decision at all on your mums part.

You do seem very stubborn, and to not like your mother much. Not sure if you're enjoying this power.

And the bride normally wants her guests to be comfortable and happy. To take such a black & white view (I'm the bride...others needs dont matter) is so odd. Doesn't sound like it will be a nice day at all.

Your mum has been hurtful but you need to look at the bigger picture. Do you want her there and do you want her to be happy and focused on you, and not feeling resentful that her partner isn't there? Then you need to suck it up and invite him. You're cutting your nose off to spite your face.

Weddings are about bringing families together. I had lots of "strangers" at my wedding but they weren't strangers to my family and it was nice to include them and get to know them.

I'm not sure I understand the twilight wedding aspect, but couldn't you just pay for him as a full guest but only allow him into the evening and tell your mum he's an evening guest? The venue won't care if you pay for a full guest and they turn up late. It would be worth the cost to keep the peace. This stress can't be helping you enjoy your wedding.

You said she's walking you down the aisle even though your dad's there? And she's never spoken to you before in the way she did? It sounds like you two are close normally. I would have said you were unreasonable about the bf until I read the part that you've never met him and you don't see much of her these days. I do wonder if he's a bit controlling and would somehow get in the way of her helping you get dressed/walking you down the aisle etc. then again she might just be crazy about him and want him there as your dad's partner is there! Difficult situation for you, the day should be about you and your husband to be. I think on balance I'd let him come especially if it's a few months away. They might not be together by then! But you should definitely meet him beforehand

She's still only known him for 12 weeks and you've never met him. Nope, not a chance he should be there.

She’s been married 3 times… read the post lol

Pressurising your DD to let your shag of 7 days come to her wedding is an absolute fkn joke

😭😭😭😭

I think your mum is being utterly unreasonable but you are majorly unreasonable and maybe young / naive on this one point.
Regardless of how much your mum loves you, attending alone when your dad will be there with his wife will be incredibly hard for her.
That doesn't mean she doesn't love you enough. It's quite a self-absorbed thing to say to think she should be able to switch off shame, pain and hurt just because of your day. If anything she wants to enjoy the day and probably felt this was her one chance at enjoying it fully, and you're insisting she doesn’t.

Absolutely this, we’ve got
-it’s not about you, you’re only the bride
-a good host does whatever their guests want -your mother SACRIFICED so much for you!!!
-your father her ex husband RUINED her life!! He’s REMARRIED!! (Totally ignoring the sm
has married and divorced twice since!

Completely disagree with this, her dad has been with his wife since OP was 4. So OP has known her for as long as she can remember, she is a guest in her own right. The mums boyfriend has cancelled on meeting OP 3 times. It's not the same.

I think it comes down to peoples personal preferences for their weddings. Some people don't do random plus ones and that is their prerogative. I actually think it's a bit selfish and mean of the mum to put OP in this position. OP tried to accommodate an evening guest which would be an entirely fair type of invitation to get but not possible due to venue.

If mum wants the whole day invite she should have made sure he met OP and got to know her. I actually think it's quite interesting this hasn't happened. And I do think it's weird that her happiness on her own daughters wedding day rests on the presence of a man she has known a few months. Speaks volumes.

Don’t want to jump to anything @Bubseybooba - but with what you’ve said - asking after a week and then again and again, change in her behaviours towards her family, him cancelling meeting anyone - it kind of sounds like one of them is love bombing > only I can’t work out which one, but it certainly doesn’t sound healthy!

I am hurt by her but I didn’t and have never swore at her. Stop excusing toxic behaviour

That's why then. She wants to appear to have a successful relationship in front of her ex, rather than being on her own. It's understandable. IF you can still have a sensible conversation with her, I would arrange to meet her and this bloke for a coffee to discuss this. Hopefully she won't kick off in a public place, and it gives you a chance to meet him. However, if she's already had episodes of screaming down the phone at you, maybe this isn't possible. It's tough, but you have to think about the day overall. What's worse, a day without her there, or a day where there's a possibility she and/or this bloke kick off and cause a scene? Does she have previous form for this?

I understand your point but you're approaching this as if it's a teachable moment for a child. If you've always had a good relationship I think you should really see this just as a single issue to be resolved. You might be underestimating how vulnerable she feels with your happily married Dad there (and that's not just insecurity, that comes from a place of loneliness and pain).

If she feels like she has finally found someone great, then I'm not sure why you can't allow him to come for your mum. Is this to a degree about your own reservations about him and the fact you haven't seen your mum as much? Totally understandable that you would feel that way and I have no doubt this has been upsetting in the run up to the wedding but perhaps you are now choosing the wrong hill to die on.

my mum has been married to his wife since I was 4, I am now 30. It’s completely different to 12 weeks.
I explained to my mum I would have the same view if my dad, brother, sister ect got a new partner and wanted them to come

Hi op. Sorry to hear this and I hope you both find away to sort this out. The way she spoke to you is awful and I understand why you said no to this man coming after they were only together for a week but as the relationship grew into a few months and you're wedding being in the summer which would have added more time to their relationship , why would you say no? You keep talking about her approach and she shouldn't get her way after acting like this so sounds like you didnt have an actual reason for saying no? Its your mum, its her partner why would you insist he cant come ? I know its your wedding and all that and if it was a random guest I would understand but its your mum.

wouldn’t you want your DM to be in a safe and happy relationship with someone who’s kind to her, treats her well and respects her?

is swearing at people when they don’t do what you want treating someone well?

Don't risk losing your relationship with your mum over this. You can easily add a plus one for your mum, then concentrate on enjoying the run up to your wedding. There is no need to upset her and yourself over one more person at a wedding.

Why did you post OP? You don't want advice you just want collusion.
So this amazing relationship with your mum? What is this based on? She been called narcissistic and selfish and toxic? Is she? Has she always been like this? Or is this unusual? Because that's important?

Just let him come? It's not worth destroying your relationship with your mum. Not worth you being stressed about your wedding. Let him come. It is a non issue.

You say you have a good relationship and she is being unfair, but frankly she understandingly she asked for a plus one, you made a fuss and eventually agreed to something you couldn’t deliver and she is upset, you are being petulant and unreasonable by wanting the day to be all about you and have your mum be alone so she can focus on you. That is selfish and your aren’t asking that of your dad.
As a perennially single person by choice weddings do hit differently and you can feel very vulnerable and sad being alone. I am disappointed you aren’t considering your mum’s feelings and being so childish.