Fallen out with mum

[Bubseybooba]

I am getting married in the summer. My mum met a man 3 months ago and is now in a relationship with him. She asked me after 1 week if he can come to the wedding and I said no. We had a big argument and later agreed to leave the conversation until nearer the time.

between then and now we’ve had 3 further arguments about him coming and agreed on him coming to the evening as a compromise. My venue has now informed me evening guests aren’t allowed as it’s a twilight wedding. ( never planned to have evenings guests, he would be the only one)

I told my mum and she said she is very disappointed and it will be a hard day for her. I said I want her to be happy and present on the wedding day and she said she can’t guarantee that and she’s allowed to feel how she feels.

i told her she should be as happy and the day should be as special with or without him. I don’t understand how someone she has known 3 months holds so much importance on her daughter’s wedding day.

I said to her maybe it’s best we leave him coming because it’s causing added stress and strain on our relationship when I want to be happy and excited in the lead up to the wedding. She started shouting at me, told me to fu*k off twice and hung up the phone on me. In my 30 years she has never spoken to me like this.

I am so upset as the day shouldn’t be about him. I just want my mum to be happy and present regardless of who else is/isn’t there. She is meant to be walking me down the aisle, getting me in my dress ect but I feel like this will change between us after this.

please share your opinions. Thanks

If my mother had wanted to attend my wedding accompanied by a pet chimp I would have let her. She raised me and sacrificed for me and she was entitled to enjoy my wedding any damn way she wanted. Your mother from the sound of it raised you largely single-handly Parents have feelings too you know and not all of us want to live vicariously through our children. It is not compromising either to offer some fall back provision of an evening invitation if the wedding venue won't allow it.

I am sorry to say you sound ready to destroy your relationship with your mother for the sake of an extra invitation. You realise your mother might not even attend at this rate? A wedding is one day and your mother is the one who lives locally - how do you think your relationship will be in the future if you behave like this now?

I understand your point and thank you for the feedback but my mum should be happy and relaxed on the day regardless if he is there. We should be able to get on in the lead up to the wedding regardless if he is there.

This is my point. It shouldn’t be dependent on someone she has known for 12 weeks and that is my issue.

If it were me I would say he can attend the evening only still (and take the hit financially) to compromise for mum and stop things turning sour.

Sounds like you usually have a great relationship with your mum, I personally think you need to find a solution so things don’t spiral as I’m sure you would be devastated to not have your mum at your wedding or have your mum there but knowing she feels miserable.

The quicker this is dealt with the quicker you can move on and focus on positive things.

I’d just say I’m not having any strangers at my wedding. So if you want him to come he’ll have to stop canceling our meet ups.

Make his behavior the issue not yours.

You are both as stubborn as the other
I can see both sides
People often have guests at a wedding as a plus one they have never met .
Your mum is clearly very anxious about the day .her behaviour on the phone sounds completely out of character for her ,from what you say .
I expect she feels very anxious about meeting your dad and his wife ,she doesn't want to be seen to not be in a relationship
Why can't you understand that for her ..
Why are you determined to ruin your relationship with your mum by digging your heels in ..at this rate she will end up not coming to your wedding..not being in the photos and that will ruin your relationship permanently.
Op ,you need to apologise and invite her partner

You can say your mum should be happy and relaxed on the day regardless until you're blue in the face, the fact of the matter is she has told you she won't be. That might be about the new bloke, he might be controlling her, he might be a scam artist, it might be about her own insecurities in front of your Dad, it might be something else entirely. At marrying age, you should be old enough to have realised you are not actually the centre of your Mum's universe.

You can stand firm all you like, but you might wreck your relationship with your Mum (who might actually be quite vulnerable) over one guest on one day. I'm coming up to my 18th wedding anniversary, and trust me this bloke is one of the things that won't matter in 18 years...but your relationship with your Mum will.

Sounds like a lot of pointless conflict over nothing, frankly.

I can only assume there's a back story which made it likely you'd be using this as an opportunity to alienate your mother, for reasons of your own.

Fair enough, but why ask our opinions?

I’ve been to a few weddings by myself and it isn’t fun. Obviously super happy for the people getting married but there is an element of feeling pitied by well meaning friends / family who invite you to be their third wheel so you’re not alone. They are also incredibly long days and I’m sure she feels at least a little bit embarrassed about coming alone.

I don’t think your mum has handled this well, but you only get one mum and you described your relationship so positively that I’d suggest letting her invite him but not have him in many photos. Also say to your photographer exactly who you want in photos.

It is your big day and you’re absolutely entitled to invite whoever you like but if someone drops out (which always happens) it would be kind to say to your mum that because it must mean so much to her so you’ve made it work.

Why should she ?
You can't control how someone feels..much as you would clearly like to .
Have you no empathy or understanding for your mother ?
She raised you ,while your father remarried and left you .
I wonder what your mum's side of this would be
I feel very sorry for your mum ..I think your being harsh , controlling, unfair,and unsympathetic to the woman who raised you and cared for you and fed and clothed you

Yep, a sensible comment.

spot on . Mum is not happy as much as she supposedly should be !

why hasn't your Mum arranged for you all to meet ?

read the full post: There were three dates to meet arranged over time, and on all three occasions the boyfriend cancelled.

I understand completely why you don’t want him there, you don’t know him! I’m surprised he actually wants to come, or is it yr Mum who is pushing his attendance. Having a partner by her side in the face of her ex’s long marriage, I think is the real reason behind her insistence.

As an aside, her language to you is totally out of order. Has she lost sense of this special day, it’s her daughters wedding. Not a day to be pushing her own wants or needs.

Exactly. It’s so childish to just keep repeating this 🙄. Hence my framing it as a loyalty test.

Right. Unfortunately she has been abusive to you and behaved like a brat, and so has made it impossible for him to come as you'd just be giving in to that abuse even if you met him and he turned out to be wonderful.

And even if he did the chances of them still being together in a year are not particularly high, so why should he be in photos with your mum?

She was dating him a week when she asked you if she could bring him. That should never, ever have happened.

Unfortunately, I don't see how this is fixable, given her fixation on him. She wants to win, far more than she wants your wedding day to be special.

Does she have form for throwing you under the bus for her latest shag?

However you are being unreasonable to tell her how she should feel, but as she seems to have made it all about her feelings I suppose it was unavoidable.

I mean, if your own mother says she'll be miserable without the man she's been shagging for a few weeks when she is attending her daughter's actual wedding - it must be hard to know how to respond to that.

You’re behaving like a petulant child.

I understand you’re upset at the way your mum spoke to you, but if you acted towards her the way you’re acting on this thread then it’s no wonder she snapped and told you to fuck off.

At the moment, she’s known him for three months.

By the time the wedding rolls around it will be nine months.

So it’s not going to be a case of inviting someone she’s only been seeing for three months is it?

Plus people invite plus 1’s all the time they’ve never met. In fact many invites include partner, whoever they may be.

I don’t get this obsession with not wanting a stranger at a wedding. They may be a stranger to you but they’re not to the person they’re going with, who isn’t a stranger to you.

this is one day.. one party. and you’re prepared to potentially lose your relationship with your mum just because you’re afraid that she’s going to give some of her attention to someone else on the day?

Grow up.

This is what I'd say too.

When did dm last see your dd?

Pay for him as a day guest but he doesnt turn up til the meal. Ceremony and photos will be complete. Venue wont know/care if one guest arrives late they just arent offering seperate price option.

Invites already being out doesnt matter. Seating plans can be adjusted.

I think YABU .Mum wants her guy to come! She doesn't want to be on her own.Weddings are not all about the bride.Mum wants to relax and enjoy herself.

Your mum is clearly very anxious about the day .her behaviour on the phone sounds completely out of character for her ,from what you say .
I expect she feels very anxious about meeting your dad and his wife ,she doesn't want to be seen to not be in a relationship

were you to read all the posts by OP, you would know that her mum has been married twice since her divorce from posters dad, also sings in a band, so I just don't buy the scared and wilting wallflower you depict.

I totally agree with the OP. This is not your mums day. You shouldn't have to invite someone you haven't met.
She barely knows him. What if she wants to drag him into the photos etc? Will she throw a fit if you say no? He will be front and center with her...obviously what she wants but why should you be happy about it.
The day should be about you and she should understand that.
My sister insited that her new BF of 4 weeks should come to my wedding. I gave in to keep the peace. They couldn't keep their hands off each other all day. She dragged him into every photo regardless of my wishes. I found the whole thing very embarrassing and wished I had stood my ground more.

Good advice.

Seems ludicrous to me to fall out with your mum over her plus one.
People have guests at wedding all the time that they’re not close to that are partners or their friends or family.
Ypu are being precious. Also hardly seeing her comment makes it sound somewhat that it comes from a place of resentment. She’s an adult. So are you. She no longer owes you any your family prioritisation

Thank you everyone for your feedback. If I was defensive in my response I do apologise.

Whether you understand my point or not, this is not about her partner coming anymore. It is her actions towards me that is my major problem.

It’s been 12 weeks she has known him but this first started after knowing him for 7 days. I don’t think it’s rational to ask to bring someone to your daughter’s wedding after knowing them 7 days and meeting them once.

The first time I said no it was an argument. I was called selfish and unfair when it was wayyyy too early to be having that conversation.

it has only continued since then. The only time my mum mentions my wedding is about him coming. Had she been more laid back with it I would be more open but I feel the stress and pressure she is putting on me is not fair.

my mum sees my dad monthly at a pub quiz, she’s been married twice since him. It’s not how some posters are making out.

anyway thanks everyone

If she’s never shown such disregard for your feelings before I would wonder if her new partner is coercively controlling or it’s medical?

I get that weddings are stressful and can bring up difficult feelings but to get to the point you are swearing at your daughter?

Op you say you’ve been close up to now, close as in a healthy mutually supportive relationship, or close as in she has no boundaries and has parentified you?